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post #1 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:23 PM Thread Starter
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What are your emotional needs.

So I was reading a blog the other day, actually a post on the blog and the female posters said that she resented her husband because he didn't meet (or provide) for her emotional needs. That got me thinking. Do most men even know what are women's emotional needs? I am sure they are individualistic but still what are women's emotional needs? Now I think I have a good idea but maybe I don't because it's not like it is talked about plainly.

So my question are. What are your emotional needs? Does your husband understand what they are? Does he meet them? If he did how would that manifest, if he does or when he doesn't?

I think this would be a good thing for all husbands to read. Me included.

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post #2 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:32 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

You are right that needs are an individual issue. Men have emotional needs as well. And to complicate matters, a person's needs often change based on circumstances.
I think that most people don’t even really know what their own needs are, much less really know what their spouse’s needs are either…that’s ‘both men and women.

A couple should know each other's needs and try to meet them. And they should talk about this fairly often since needs change based on the situation.

That's why some people here on TAM keep suggesting that people, and hopefully the couple, read "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The two books are meant to go together, to teach a couple how to identify their needs, talk about them and meet those needs for each other.

No one can meet 100% of another person's emotional needs. But if they can meet a good percentage of them, it makes the marriage much stronger.

The idea of the two books is that first the couple reads “Love Busters” and do the work of identifying the things that the other does that are love busters. Then both stop doing the things that are hurting their relationship with their spouse.

Once the love busting stops, the couple can work on identifying and meeting each other’s needs.

Here is the list of emotional needs that MB identifies. The idea is that each person ranks the list from most important to least important and how they would like those needs met. And then they both work to fill each other’s needs. The book helps people learn how to talk about their needs, and to work on meeting them, as a couple. It’s not a onetime thing either since a person’s needs change over time. So, this is work that couples need to do on an on-going basis.

  • Affection
  • Sexual Fulfillment
  • Conversation
  • Recreational Companionship
  • Honesty and Openness
  • Physical Attractiveness
  • Financial Support
  • Domestic Support
  • Family Commitment
  • Admiration

Here is a link to an article that talks more about this.

The Most Important Emotional Needs
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post #3 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:01 AM
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Cool Re: What are your emotional needs.

Preeminently, the ability to be listened to objectively!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #4 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:28 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

My ex WS and me matched up on 4 of these - no wonder we bit the dust.
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post #5 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:33 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

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Originally Posted by Horizon View Post
My ex WS and me matched up on 4 of these - no wonder we bit the dust.

Could you explain? What do you mean by your two matching on some of them? Why is it bad to have some similar needs?
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post #6 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:41 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

Actually it was 2 ! Sorry, I explained that poorly. What I mean is that out of this list of 10 needs my exWS was only fulfilling 2 of them for me. Looking at it again I believe I was fulfilling 5 of them for her.

This was dealt with indirectly at counseling we went to some time back. We didn't talk about needs directly but clearly she only needed me to meet 3 of them; as in 3 of them were important - Financial support, domestic support and family commitment.
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post #7 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:40 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
If he did how would that manifest, if he does or when he doesn't?
Recent examples, current needs. He listened when I shared the type of support I needed. He then demonstrated his support further, through his actions. When he says he's going to do something, he does. Being honest and reliable equates to trust. That includes when he tells me I'm losing him in conversation details! I'd rather hear it straight than him pretend otherwise.

He was asking about my work. Sharing various aspects, he responded I ought to be in a leadership role and nudges me consistently to consider what's next or what I can achieve. Most of the time it feels wonderful to have him believe in and encourage me. Sometimes that can also be tiring and I tell him so. He takes that in his stride, agreeing with a chuckle that he's tiring to himself at times, too. Knowing he has my best interests in mind doesn't necessarily mean I'll agree or that he's correct, but it does mean I trust his intention.

The physical affection, various touches, loving and lustful, being and feeling desired, and sharing in that desire with him is important to me. It's in the way he offers to scrub my back in the bath tub, the eye contact he keeps when we're together, rubbing my feet while we're on the couch together, to the more sexual erotic touch. The way he initiates and responds to me, body language and flirtation.

There's the responsibilities of life and he looks out for us, shares in planning, pragmatics, and fun. We might have opposing approaches and occasionally there's mutual frustration but we manage to figure it out.

He pays attention to know what I'm currently interested in, sharing articles, music, suggesting or making arrangements. Heck I even like when he's ordered a drink on my behalf while we're out. I don't have a consistent drink, it's whatever has caught my attention that week (so really he can't go wrong) but still, he pays attention! There's also a respect and encouragement he demonstrates towards my interests / hobbies.

As simple and obvious as it sounds with being married, I appreciate and value that he includes me. When he first became a volunteer fire fighter, it was a small but heart-warming thing to have members of the brigade already know me by name, introduce themselves and help me feel welcome. While that's his path, it's thanks to his actions that I feel a part of this and included. He doesn't just share, he includes me, while still having his own thing going on.

He makes me a cup of tea in bed on the weekend.....!

Knowing what speaks to your wife (to each other), what is suited to your personality and who you are in the dynamic of the relationship is what matters.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #8 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

I think they change as time goes by...or even daily at times. That being the case a woman can always say this about their man and their's really nothing he can do about it. He can try to meet the one's he knows about but could never predict when they change and what they are at any given time.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I think they change as time goes by...or even daily at times. That being the case a woman can always say this about their man and their's really nothing he can do about it. He can try to meet the one's he knows about but could never predict when they change and what they are at any given time.

Would you say it's the needs that change or the priority of the needs that changes?
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post #10 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:47 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
Would you say it's the needs that change or the priority of the needs that changes?
Both, thanks for adding priority because that's really important to.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #11 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
  • Affection
  • Sexual Fulfillment
  • Conversation
  • Recreational Companionship
  • Honesty and Openness
  • Physical Attractiveness
  • Financial Support
  • Domestic Support
  • Family Commitment
  • Admiration
Ele, I'm confused about 2 points:

1. Without Honesty and Openness at the top of the list, it seems that the rest of the list doesn't really matter. I mean, if my partner isn't honest with me in conversation, then even if he's meeting the frequency of *my* desired amount of conversation, it wouldn't matter. I wouldn't want him to talk to me unless he's going to be honest.

2. There seems to be other deeper 'needs' (possibly one common need) that drive the others. Do you notice that too?
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post #12 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
Recent examples, current needs. He listened when I shared the type of support I needed. He then demonstrated his support further, through his actions. When he says he's going to do something, he does. Being honest and reliable equates to trust. That includes when he tells me I'm losing him in conversation details! I'd rather hear it straight than him pretend otherwise.

He was asking about my work. Sharing various aspects, he responded I ought to be in a leadership role and nudges me consistently to consider what's next or what I can achieve. Most of the time it feels wonderful to have him believe in and encourage me. Sometimes that can also be tiring and I tell him so. He takes that in his stride, agreeing with a chuckle that he's tiring to himself at times, too. Knowing he has my best interests in mind doesn't necessarily mean I'll agree or that he's correct, but it does mean I trust his intention.

The physical affection, various touches, loving and lustful, being and feeling desired, and sharing in that desire with him is important to me. It's in the way he offers to scrub my back in the bath tub, the eye contact he keeps when we're together, rubbing my feet while we're on the couch together, to the more sexual erotic touch. The way he initiates and responds to me, body language and flirtation.

There's the responsibilities of life and he looks out for us, shares in planning, pragmatics, and fun. We might have opposing approaches and occasionally there's mutual frustration but we manage to figure it out.

He pays attention to know what I'm currently interested in, sharing articles, music, suggesting or making arrangements. Heck I even like when he's ordered a drink on my behalf while we're out. I don't have a consistent drink, it's whatever has caught my attention that week (so really he can't go wrong) but still, he pays attention! There's also a respect and encouragement he demonstrates towards my interests / hobbies.

As simple and obvious as it sounds with being married, I appreciate and value that he includes me. When he first became a volunteer fire fighter, it was a small but heart-warming thing to have members of the brigade already know me by name, introduce themselves and help me feel welcome. While that's his path, it's thanks to his actions that I feel a part of this and included. He doesn't just share, he includes me, while still having his own thing going on.

He makes me a cup of tea in bed on the weekend.....!

Knowing what speaks to your wife (to each other), what is suited to your personality and who you are in the dynamic of the relationship is what matters.
This sounds a lot like my wife and my relationship. I know this is not the case but this just seems like what you do when you love the person. I hope someone answers who doesn't have this so I get get a feel for what that is like. Not that I am hopping for them to have a bad marriage. I think it is important that we talk about these things as married people, to other married people. So many times you read when marriage go bad that there was a disconnect. It's kind of sad. I think people really don't know what it takes to have a good marriage assuming you are married to a person who has morals and character. I suspect that in today's society so many of us come from parents of divorce so it has never been modeled for us.
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post #13 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

I need to feel loved and taken care of.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #14 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: What are your emotional needs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
So I was reading a blog the other day, actually a post on the blog and the female posters said that she resented her husband because he didn't meet (or provide) for her emotional needs. That got me thinking. Do most men even know what are women's emotional needs? I am sure they are individualistic but still what are women's emotional needs? Now I think I have a good idea but maybe I don't because it's not like it is talked about plainly.

So my question are. What are your emotional needs? Does your husband understand what they are? Does he meet them? If he did how would that manifest, if he does or when he doesn't?

I think this would be a good thing for all husbands to read. Me included.
Clearly I do not, it was something I had never thought about and not something my STBXW ever discussed in a way that was clear to me or I understood

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post #15 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:11 AM
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What are your emotional needs.

While men and women do often have different top needs (some men list recreational companionship and domestic support higher than women list financial support and conversation, for example), Dr. Harley does state that the top 4 intimate emotional needs are most important for creating feelings of love in marriage: intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sex. If a marriage is struggling because couples are no longer in love, he recommends working on those first.

As to the Openness and Honesty question, Dr. Harley states that while most spouses list that in the top 10, it usually becomes a higher ranked need for a spouse who is recovering from their partner's infidelity or if that spouse tends to feel jealous or insecure in the marriage for any reason. Another example I've heard him say on his radio show is that if a spouse has abandonment issues, they will typically list that need higher.

Also, married couples who have kids will often list Family Time as a high need, while couples who don't likely won't.


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