How important is 'security' (material as well as emotional) to your marriage? Does what your partner do (or not do) affect your feeling of security? Is his ability to 'protect and provide' important to you?
Security… financial & emotional.
Financial security is important, especially when you have children. I would not want to live on the street and definitely would not want my children living on the street. But I have never expected financial security from a man. Good thing I did not, but it was not there anyway.
Emotional security- there are a lot of aspects to this. I wanted emotional security in my marriage. I wanted to know what I was loved, that he would be there emotionally, spend time with me, have a sex life, and so forth. That was apparently too much to ask.
Has the need for security become more or less important at different times of your life? For example, was security not as important early in your relationship but more important once you got going on having children?
It’s been pretty steady. Since I was not a SAHM, I did not experience a lot of what many other women do in needing a husband to provide financial security.
I have had a front row seat to more 'failed' marriages (some of which ended in divorce, some didn't) in the past several years than I ever would have wanted to have. Many/most happened within a few years of having kids. All but one divorce was initiated by the woman.
When you say initiated, do you mean that the woman was the one who filed for divorce? Or do you mean that the husband was happy with the marriage, the woman was not and she asked for dovorce against his wishes? Are you saying that the men were faultless in the failure of the marriage?
In all of them, I noticed a pretty solid trend. Almost every woman complained that she was 'sick and tired of her husband', that he was 'worthless', 'a child', 'incompetent', 'not doing enough', 'weak', 'a disappointment', 'a loser', 'an underachiever', 'needing to man up', 'didn't care about his family', etc. Three divorces were the direct result of the man becoming unemployed (and remaining unemployed for too long) during the recession.
Since I don’t know these women and their situation, I don’t know how many of the women were accurately describing their husbands. And what did their husbands say about them? I’ll bet that some of those women were right in the way they described their husbands. And some of them were just badmouthing them because they had to justify ending the marriage.
While I can't say that those complaints (and resulting actions) were entirely the result of a lack of the wife feeling secure (and content in that security), it certainly does look that way from the outside.
Interesting that you ascribe the lack of security as perhaps the cause of the end of the marriage.
My first marriage ended because my husband was abusive, refused to meet any of my emotional needs.. I later found out that he was cheating the entire marriage with various women.
My second marriage ended because from the day of our marriage, my husband stopped doing anything in the way of meeting emotional needs, refused to participate in any house work, yard work, care of his own children from his previous relationship (he had 10% custody). In the second year of our marriage he was laid off. So he spent the next 10 years playing video games and surfing the web.
I’m not sure is the lack of security of any kind could be the issue in both marriages… well except maybe the lack of emotional security… there was none in either marriage. But the complete disregard for meeting any needs at all was definitely the cause of me filing for divorce in both marriages.