My ex-h and I filled out the MB emotional needs questionaire together, so I know his needs from their list (found here:
The Most Important Emotional Needs ):
Sexual fulfillment (SF)
Recreational companionship (RC)
Honesty and openness (HO)
Admiration
And his love languages were primarily touch, words of affirmation and acts of service.
Sexual fulfillment, that part was not a problem. It was just easy with us.
The RC was a bit more difficult for a variety of reasons. But when I would hear him talk about how great it was to have RC with me at all, it made me understand something new about him. He explained how companionship with guys friends or relatives was great and all but that when he could play tennis with me or take a surf lesson together or play cards on a whim on a Tuesday night...it gave him a really deep fulfillment that can't be met as well by others.
His need for HO was not easy for me because I am not an open book. I am introverted and need to be drawn out. I will not (usually) just spew forth information about myself (contrary to what it seems at TAM
). I don't do this to be secretive. It is just not my style to "go on and on" about myself. Though that then comes across as secretive.
One night I went out with a girlfriend and came home and was like "Hi honey!"
He's like "Hi, how was it?"
Me: "Great!"
Him: Pause. "So...where'd you eat...."
Me: "Such and such place".
Him: Pause. "So....how's girlfriend doing?"
Me: "Oh you know, the same, she's good".
Me: Going on with other things, checking my phone, not really realizing he even cares to hear more about my girl's night.....
Him: "Why are you so weird and make me drag it out of you!?" (with a smile and a laugh and tackling me)
Me: "Drag what out of me?" (laughing and squirming)
Him: "Why don't you just TELL ME how your night was and fill me in, why do I have to ask you these questions?"
Me: ..... deer in headlights
Me: "I have no idea!"
I had to search around to find out why this is, but all I came up with is that I'm introverted. I feel sort of like I would be imposing on him to come home and be like "hey! so we went to this place, I ate this, it was MARVELOUS!, she was wearing that blouse I got her for her birthday and it looked so good on her, so anyway the gossip on girlfriend is that she talked to so and so, remember him?, and they decided such and such, oh and by the way, I got the best parking spot right out front of the restaurant, what a score!, so anyway, they decided that and then that turned into this and OMG, did I already tell you about her surgery!? blah blah blah..."
I mean, if I gave an honest recount of the evening, it would have been something like that. And I just didn't/couldn't bring myself to unload like that on him. Even though he was right there asking me questions. I never felt like I should spill more when he asked each question, I felt like giving him the minimum answers was polite to his time and attention span for certain "girly" topics. It wasn't until he asked me why he had to drag it out of me that I realized this actually looked to him like I wasn't being forthcoming for some reason. But the reason was just something to do with my introversion, not secrecy. We resolved this one ok, and he eventually came to understand I am not hiding anything, I'm just not a wear it on your sleeve person about certain things.
Admiration...this one was always easy for me to give him because I truly did admire him. I told him in many ways. I built him up. I made sure he knew when I was building him up to others. He was self confident and didn't "need" this admiration, he just wanted it because he knew his value and wanted to be with someone who also knew it. I feel the same and also need admiration (in a different way) and I find it easy to verbally admire someone when I do truly admire them, no matter who it is. He was great at giving admiration, too. So we were a good match that way.
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My current boyfriend has a high need for touch and SF, and an "attractive spouse/partner". I think I fulfill him pretty well on all three.
His next highest need is for conversation. Which is really great, I love that one, too. We have hours and hours of great conversation. He is extremely extroverted (my ex-h was extroverted as well, but not as much as boyfriend). So he likes conversation with a huge variety of people about a variety of subjects. Luckily, that is one need that can be fulfilled by others, because I definitely could not converse with him as much as he likes to converse. But the conversation we do have is always engaged, entertaining, lively, and fun.
He has also noted my tendency to not be forthcoming with certain things, and his need to ask me questions if he wants to know things about me. I think he also now knows this is not me being secretive.
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I like MB's descriptions and hierarchy of emotional needs because it gives validity to some needs that for some people seem ridiculous and not "needs". For instance, I have always had a high need for an attractive partner/spouse, but to some this sounds so shallow.
But I know myself, and I want to feel that strong mutual attraction with a partner. It is this attraction that makes me feel sexual and amorous toward a partner, and makes me want to be affectionate, have sex with them, etc. If the sex is great, then the attraction just grows and grows and feels more and more wonderful to me. Strong mutual attraction feels like ice cream on a perfect summer day.