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Trying to connect with my wife.

14K views 81 replies 28 participants last post by  NickTheChemist 
#1 ·
I adore my wife. It loved from our first conversation and I want so desperately to be close to her. We have been married 8 years. I'm 31, she's 29. We were once very close and intimate when dating and engaged, but now we are not snd that breaks my heart. I have been, for the past 5 years actively pursuing ways to make our marriage better and to be close again.

She is not cheating, so please don't suggest that.

Recently I have decided that I would focus on meeting her needs and fulfilling her emotionally as well as non-sexual touch.

Married women, I would love your input. Can you tell me what non-sexual things you dream your husband would do for you/ say to you/ treat you?

I am a good man. I am Christian. I am healthy and attractive. My goal in my marriage every day is to treat my wife as she is more precious to me than diamonds. I try so hard, but she is so cold to me. I am not a soft man, but I tear up writing this now because I am so sad.

She stays home with our children and I earn a very good wage working only 40 hours, so I am home a lot and we are financially stable.

I do most of the cooking and at least half of the cleaning and housework do that we can have more time together.

I always hope that she will want to interact with me and most nights ask to do something with her like watch the sunset on the poarchseing or play cards, but she would almost always rather watch a show with earbuds in.

She will not kiss me. When I go in for a kiss she turns a cheek/forhead or gives me a tight-lipped peck and pulls away.

She does not want me touching her unless it is for a back or shoulder rub. Will not cuddle. Won't hold my hand for Mhire than a few minutes. Sometimes she will "let" me spoon her in bed but elbows me off when she gets "too hot" every time snd even complains if I'm touching her when we wake in the morning.

It may be obvious here that our sex life is almost non-existent. It is so difficult as a man to feel loved
When your wife will not respond to you in any way physically. Our marriage has been "sexless" for most of these 8 years. I do not use porn and have always been faithful to her.

She makes fun of me for masturbating--especially when she gets mad. I try to involve her and be open about it because I want no secrets, but she often tries to embarrass me. She has a temper and sometimes says horrible thing to me in front of our children.

She is a wonderful woman and I love her with all I am, but she has lost respect for me, I feel, and it is a deep aching hurt I carry constantly. I make sure she gets st least two evenings a week out of the house alone while I take care of the kiddos since she stays home and that is when she is happiest and wants to talk after getting home for a few minutes, but that's it. No going deeper emotionally. No physicsll expression of love and closeness.

Please help me.
 
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#14 ·
Oh my god, this is EXACTLY our relationship is today. Creepy how I am completely the description of the warm partner and the cold partner describes my wife exactly.

But what do I do? I have stopped bringing up relationship, and sex a long time ago because it angered her and we got nowhere
 
#3 ·
The standard question - in this type situation - is this: Why doesn't you're wife respect you?

But that's actually not a helpful question since there is a much more important question. Why don't you respect yourself?

You keep crowding her and she keeps pushing you away. Your heavy presence at home isn't helping, it's hurting you.

Coming across as weak and needy is a certain disaster. And yes - it is both weak and needy to keep doing stuff to/with a partner who clearly doesn't want it.
 
#4 ·
I suggest reading this article from licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Harley and showing it to your wife to get her input, as the top 5 needs a spouse has in their marriage is individual, though they typically fall into these 10 categories:

The Most Important Emotional Needs

I know that conversation, affection, recreational companionship, family commitment, and financial support are my top 5 needs.

Unfortunately, your wife may not allow you to meet her needs if she is withdrawn from the marriage. Is there a reason why she's not willing to meet your needs? What are her complaints in the marriage?
 
#5 ·
Why doesn't she love you? Are you holding back information?

What's the kid situation? Does she want kids, but you don't? Is the "plumbing" broken?

How are you sure there is no affair? Do you check tabs on her text messaging and phone calls? Does she have Snapshat, Whats App, or Kik installed? You'd be amazed how many guys think their wife could never cheat on them and find out they indeed did. It's guys like you that have their wife on a pedestal that get hurt the most.

Time to concentrate on yourself. Go the gym 5-6x a week. Buy new clothes, buy a new car. Buy whatever the hell you want and don't ask her input. Stop helping her. Do your own laundry. Time to detach and be ready to replace her.
 
#7 ·
OP,
People often do not want what they can so easily obtain. Their strongest want is for something they cannot have, why want what you already have? You are too easy to obtain. Find a hobby and entertain yourself, stop asking how she is and how her day went. Stop telling her you are masturbating and stop trying to initiate intimacy. Take up golf or some hobby that takes up your time and stop being so available. Take the kids out to the park. Also stop doing so much around the house, she is a SAHM let her do something.

This will serve two purposes in that it will make you less "easy" and it will help you detach and find happiness outside of her. We may soon be reading a post from her asking for help on how to get her husband interested again. Good fortune to you.
 
#9 ·
QFT

You really should not be cooking dinner often or cleaning the house. Your emasculating yourself. Get some guy hobbies and do the guy work (fix things, take out the trash and mow the yard types of things). Don't talk about sex. If she isn't willing, go do something else, but don't let her know what.
 
#8 ·
She makes fun of me for masturbating--especially when she gets mad. I try to involve her and be open about it because I want no secrets, but she often tries to embarrass me. She has a temper and sometimes says horrible thing to me in front of our children.

She is a wonderful woman and I love her with all I am, but she has lost respect for me, I feel, and it is a deep aching hurt I carry constantly. I make sure she gets st least two evenings a week out of the house alone while I take care of the kiddos since she stays home and that is when she is happiest and wants to talk after getting home for a few minutes, but that's it. No going deeper emotionally. No physicsll expression of love and closeness.

Please help me.
The first paragraph you state all the things she does to you. Her bad temper. The next paragraph you state she is a wonderful woman. The glasses you are wearing are rose color?

Your wife has no respect for you. Keep beating off in front of her as she gets mad looking on like you are some kind of odd ball.

What else are you doing?
 
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#10 ·
My goal in my marriage every day is to treat my wife as she is more precious to me than diamonds. I try so hard, but she is so cold to me. I am not a soft man, but I tear up writing this now because I am so sad.
The highlighted is a problem. She has no respect for you because you have her on a pedestal and [most likely] act like a doormat. You really need to act a little more like a man than a puppy. Let her see you mad, tell her no sometimes, stop doing to much around the house.

Do some reading and some introspection on yourself. You only have control over yourself, so do everything to make yourself a better person. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, start to implement some of the suggestions. Don't expect a change overnight, but if you start to become more comfortable with yourself and increase your self confidence, I bet you will start to see a change in your wife as she responds to the new you. Then read the 5 Love languages (with your wife) and see if you can start to talk each others love language.

You can repair your marriage but there needs to be a change. Since you can't control your wife, it needs to be you. Obviously if you have been trying for 5 years and nothing has worked so far, you need to try a different approach.
 
#11 ·
Been in your shoes. I have posts on TAM about how much I cleaned, etc. No good.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Your wife sees you as weak. See's you as being desperate. That you can't live without her and you couldn't get another woman.

Not attacking you. Just touching on points I learned the hard way.

Hit the gym. Get fit. But be forewarned. She's gonna push back some because right now she's getting all the cake, ie, housework is done, your earning the money, etc. And she does not need to have intimacy with you.

Here is a link for your wife - https://forgivenwife.com/the-other-side-of-the-wall/

Unfortunately, she holds the cards. She can threaten to keep the kids from you in a divorce.
Mine did, she didn't realize I'm a stubborn cuss.

I waited until youngest was teenager, then I brought up issues. I took her to marriage counselor. MC asked why I was bringing up issues, I said "Kids are old enough to know that dad would NEVER abandon them". She lost her leverage, and I told her we would either have a marriage or a divorce.

Until you get that pissed off & she knows your serious, nothing will change.
 
#12 ·
I adore my wife. It loved from our first conversation and I want so desperately to be close to her. We have been married 8 years. I'm 31, she's 29. We were once very close and intimate when dating and engaged, but now we are not snd that breaks my heart. I have been, for the past 5 years actively pursuing ways to make our marriage better and to be close again.

She is not cheating, so please don't suggest that.

Recently I have decided that I would focus on meeting her needs and fulfilling her emotionally as well as non-sexual touch.

Married women, I would love your input. Can you tell me what non-sexual things you dream your husband would do for you/ say to you/ treat you?

I am a good man. I am Christian. I am healthy and attractive. My goal in my marriage every day is to treat my wife as she is more precious to me than diamonds. I try so hard, but she is so cold to me. I am not a soft man, but I tear up writing this now because I am so sad.

You can't nice them back which is what you're trying to do

She stays home with our children and I earn a very good wage working only 40 hours, so I am home a lot and we are financially stable.

Get out and start going your own way

I do most of the cooking and at least half of the cleaning and housework do that we can have more time together.

Good relationships need to be balanced @ 50/50. Do your part and expect her to do hers. You do too much you get taken for granted and lose respect.

I always hope that she will want to interact with me and most nights ask to do something with her like watch the sunset on the poarchseing or play cards, but she would almost always rather watch a show with earbuds in.

She will not kiss me. When I go in for a kiss she turns a cheek/forhead or gives me a tight-lipped peck and pulls away.

If you chase they will move farther away. Always! If you're needy, clingy it makes you look weak which is unnattractive.

She does not want me touching her unless it is for a back or shoulder rub. Will not cuddle. Won't hold my hand for Mhire than a few minutes. Sometimes she will "let" me spoon her in bed but elbows me off when she gets "too hot" every time snd even complains if I'm touching her when we wake in the morning.

Sex is important. You've let her have total control over you and the marriage

It may be obvious here that our sex life is almost non-existent. It is so difficult as a man to feel loved
When your wife will not respond to you in any way physically. Our marriage has been "sexless" for most of these 8 years. I do not use porn and have always been faithful to her.

She makes fun of me for masturbating--especially when she gets mad. I try to involve her and be open about it because I want no secrets, but she often tries to embarrass me. She has a temper and sometimes says horrible thing to me in front of our children.

You seem to have doormatish behavior. No wonder she has no respect for you

She is a wonderful woman and I love her with all I am, but she has lost respect for me, I feel, and it is a deep aching hurt I carry constantly. I make sure she gets st least two evenings a week out of the house alone while I take care of the kiddos since she stays home and that is when she is happiest and wants to talk after getting home for a few minutes, but that's it. No going deeper emotionally. No physicsll expression of love and closeness.

You are in denial. This isn't wonderful. Quit with the Mr Nice Guy routine. What has it gotten you?

Please help me.
Read up and apply it.
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

You can't fix her but you had better fix yourself. Start going your own way. She'll follow or she won't.

You've taught her she doesn't have to do anything. People treat you like you let them.

Better wake up
 
#13 ·
Thank you so much. You are right. I do not know how to cool down the overwhelming love without pushing her away but I may try it again. I did this 5-6 years ago before we had kids for an entire summer and she didn't initiate any words of affection or physical intemacy for 12 weeks! The worst part is that she seemed completely content to be just like room mates
 
#18 ·
I have to admit that you come off as horrifically needy. That is SUCH a complete turnoff to a woman to have some guy hovering at her feet all the time, putting her on a pedestal and begging her to love him or for a pat on the head.

She's completely and totally emotionally disengaged from you and has been, for a long long time.

I don't know of any magic cure to change her feelings and 'make' her love you again.

Sorry.
 
#15 ·
Every married women I dated had a husband who believed she was not cheating. That is what made it so easy. Obviously she is no longer in love with you. That happens a lot. Love is a chemical reaction in your brain, you cannot will it into or out of existence. Nothing you can do will make her love you again. Try willing yourself to love someone and you cannot do it. So why do you expect her to love you again when she is sending clear and unmistakable signals that she does not love you. There is no magic thing you can do. Read this and perhaps it will explain why she no longer loves you anymore. The more desperate you are, the less appealing you will become to her. Desperation is not a quality women look for in a man. Hate to say this, but it sounds like your marriage is already in the coffin, just waiting for the final nail to be hammered in. When they start to turn away from your touch, the love is gone and ain't coming back. Sorry, but you are desperately grasping for a life vest on a sinking ship.
 
#24 ·
Thank you. I needed to hear this and you are right. She has lost respect for me. I believe now that I have more or less trained her to walk on me snd treat me like crap. I am now trying to change what I can about myself.

As a child I was always last priority in my family and my older brother was heavily favored. I'm starting to see that for most of my life I have believed that the people I love are more important than me my place is serving them. This, I know is total crap and I am trying to change myself.

Odd truth is that I am an alpha outside of these few relationships. I've been the foreman on construction crews. I started and ran a very successful business and had a few crews working for me. I am now a successful development chemist with authority.., but I haven't yet been able to shake the self-made doormat approach to the ones I love, but I will get there.
 
#25 ·
This duality seems to be a common trait with nice guys. My ex was also very assertive in his professional environment. I'd accompany him to some of his meetings and see the women perk up and the men nod their heads in quiet respect. He was blunt and said what the other people in the room were too meek to say out loud. Those were the rare occasions he would seem attractive and irresistible to me.

Like you he was also least favoured in the home. His step mother ruled his father and was less than friendly to him. I'm not sure what had the worse impact, him losing his mom or his father being a doormat and not standing up for himself and his son.

Do you also have few (if any) close male friends? He had zero, also common among nice guys.
 
#26 ·
Thank you. I will read this article tonight. She is a brick wall when it comes to communicating about our relationship and I've given up trying to break the wall down because it only makes things worse. When she is angry she will say horrible abusive things to me, but those may not be well thought out complaints... every now and then she will say something like "You just don't treat me like you used to." And has no clarification for me when I ask--so I make a point to be much more attentive and intentional about treating her warmly and she withdraws even more.

Maybe I have tried to hard all of this time to please her. She is willing to do very little for me. At this point I feel we are both in love with her and meeting her needs is top priority.
 
#28 ·
Thank you. I will read this article tonight. She is a brick wall when it comes to communicating about our relationship and I've given up trying to break the wall down because it only makes things worse. When she is angry she will say horrible abusive things to me, but those may not be well thought out complaints... every now and then she will say something like "You just don't treat me like you used to." And has no clarification for me when I ask--so I make a point to be much more attentive and intentional about treating her warmly and she withdraws even more.

Maybe I have tried to hard all of this time to please her. She is willing to do very little for me. At this point I feel we are both in love with her and meeting her needs is top priority.
Perhaps she also has some disorder. It sounds like she's more than just disinterested and lacking in respect for you.
 
#27 ·
Was she always this way?

Or only after marriage?

Maybe she is on the spectrum. Maybe she has Aspergers Syndrome.....with mean behavior.

Having no empathy, not knowing or not capable of real love.Having poor social skills.

She knows how to work around it.....she got you to marry her.
 
#29 ·
I have few friends outside of work that I talk with regularly. No female friends because it would be too much a temptation to me. I have been emotionally and sexually neglected by my wife for so long that I feel vulnerable and avoid it all together.

It is difficult when young attractive women make advances towards me or flirt and I'm sure I seem socially awkward to them ducking out of conversations and avoiding contact at all. I would not cheat and have not. It's heartbreaking when I am working so hard to be strong and true and my wife hardly notices me when I come home.

I wish that my wife could see other women giving me eyes or making advances--maybe she would realize that other women want what is so comepletyband hopelessly hers and hers alone.
 
#30 ·
I wish that my wife could see other women giving me eyes or making advances--maybe she would realize that other women want what is so comepletyband hopelessly hers and hers alone.
At this point it really wouldn't make a difference to her because she knows you're not going anywhere. There's no threat of you leaving her so she doesn't see the need to be nicer or do things for you. You've made it quite clear that you're hers so she's gotten very comfortable with the current dynamic of being catered to without having to give anything in return.
 
#31 ·
She is not on the spectrum, but you are very clever to think of this possibility. I am, though you would never know if you met me.

She has not always been this way. We were still in college when we got married and early on she became frustrated with our status snd income and stressed about what we didn't have. It probably started back then within the first year of our marriage. The sex frequency slowed snd almost stopped early on. It's probably at that time I began my journey to where I am now where I feel like a broken man with everything but his Wife's respect and affection.
 
#52 ·
@Farsidejunky, thanks for the callout.

She is not on the spectrum, but you are very clever to think of this possibility. I am, though you would never know if you met me.
Nick, your being on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum (aka "Asperger's") would explain why you are able to make such a good living as a chemist, LOL. Yet, because it somewhat distorts your perception of your W's intentions and motivations, it likely makes it more difficult for us to get a cohesive picture of what type of behavior your W is exhibiting.

The biggest puzzle is why you claim to adore a "wonderful woman" who -- except for a few sensational sexual experiences a year -- is cold and rude and humiliates you in front of your own children. At issue is whether your W is a normal, healthy woman who has simply lost all feelings of love and affection for you -- or, as several respondents suggest, she is exhibiting warning signs for moderate or strong traits of a mental disorder that was caused perhaps by her angry, abusive father.

I cannot answer that question. I therefore will explore a few of the possibilities in hopes that one of them triggers a flood of new information from you that fills in some of the gaps. Importantly, the following discussion is an attempt to help you lock down what warning signs (i.e., behavioral symptoms) you are seeing. Although it should be easy for you to spot any strong symptoms that occur, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

High Functioning Autism. Like @SunCMars (post 27), my first thought was that your W's aloofness, coldness, and lack of communication may be a red flag for what used to be called "Asperger's." Yet, because that is a condition that starts in childhood and persists to some degree for a lifetime, it seems to be ruled out by your statement, "She has not always been this way."

You explain that her behavior became cold and verbally abusive only "when we got married." After the wedding, the behavior issues started "early on" because "she became frustrated with our status and income and stressed about what we didn't have."

Borderline Personality Disorder.
The way your closeness and sexual activity went off a cliff following your wedding is common when a person has strong traits of a PD like BPD. During the courtship period, the partner's infatuation with you holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Her bad behaviors thus don't reveal themselves until her infatuation starts evaporating. At that point, both fears return and you cannot avoid triggering them. Moreover, several behaviors you describe -- i.e., strong verbal abuse, sudden rages, and always being "The Victim" who blames you nearly every misfortune -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

Yet, if your W really did exhibit a pattern of strong BPD symptoms, you should be seeing signs of strong irrational jealousy (i.e., fear of abandonment) and very controlling actions. And you would be seeing unstable behavior, e.g., rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you). And you would be seeing an inability to regulate her own emotions or control her impulses. Significantly, although these are essential features of BPD behavior, you seem to describe none of them occurring. The closest you get to describing instability are her angry outbursts in response to your getting close and intimate. If I understand you correctly, she otherwise is a very emotionally stable person.

Narcissistic PD. Like BPD and the other PDs, NPD is a spectrum disorder. This means we all exhibit NPD (and BPD) traits to some extent (at a low level if we are healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits NPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits strong and persistent NPD traits. If that were true, however, your W would be incapable of loving anyone, including her own children. In contrast, you are describing a woman who, despite being cold and verbally abusive, seems to love you and the three children.

Schizoid PD. Your description of her being so happy when alone by herself and expressing little affection seems somewhat consistent with a subcategory of SPD called "Secret Schizoid." Actually, it is not an official subcategory but, rather, one that is favored by some psychologists. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at this description of Secret Schizoid to see if it sounds very familiar.

Generally, people exhibiting strong SPD traits like to be alone and have little interest in expressing affection. Some psychologists believe there is a subgroup of those folks who nonetheless have learned to develop a social mask that makes them appear to be very outgoing and affectionate -- but that mask cannot be maintained for very long (e.g., past the wedding). Although I am skeptical that this issue applies in your situation, it may be worth a quick look. Take care, Nick.
 
#32 ·
In the back of my mind I have wondered if she could be, but no. Though that would make it all easier to explain. She is only into men. On the rare occasion we have sex (right now it hasent been since January), it is incredible and she is very satisfied multiple times.

I suppose it could be possible, but not on my radar. I think she is just withdrawn from all things sexual with me.
 
#33 ·
We have 3 wonderful children and we both wanted them and love them very much. We make an excellent parenting team but crappy couple right now.

The plumbing works great and I am working out, but would like to start lifting weights again--maybe I will take your advice and buy the free weights I want.

What I was not telling you I have just learned: that I have conditioned her to walk on me and she has lost all respect for me. The sex is great for both of us on the vary rare (5-10 times a year) occasion that it happens.

I would never leave her or replace her but I am thinking now that she needs to see that I could.
 
#35 ·
None of the stuff you are talking about lifting weights and getting hobbies is going to work unless you demand respect. I am not saying yell and scream, what i am saying it if she is disrespectful disengage. Your marriage is not how it is supposed work you are supposed to be a team. She is not a teammate she is you boss. How would you have dealt with it on the job if some worker treated you like that? Why is this any different?

Until you really see how poorly she has treated you and how totally unfair she is I don't believe you will change. Where is your outrage?
 
#36 ·
All the advise given is a good start. However...

You may want to look deeper into root causes. If you hadn't mentioned her behavior much I would have gone with the flow, but her behavior is not typical unless there's some serious culture, family of origin, skeletons in the closet, or mental health issues.

What culture is she from? You? How's her immediate family? How's her interaction with family?
 
#37 ·
If you won't leave her, you have already lost. You have resigned yourself to live in an awful marriage. That's on you and not on her. Maybe I'm crazy, and I am, but how could you want to be with someone who has no desire to treat you like her husband or even like a member of the family.

Anyway, your best bet is to train yourself that you can leave her. sometimes the only way to keep someone is by risking losing them. I'm a believer that, in hay case, just lose them.
 
#38 ·
Her culture is mid-west white folk. I'm more southern, but mostly Midwest hard working type. City, not rural. Her parents are together, but they bicker and fight. Her dad is passive and her mom is disrespectful to him. Her dad has an awful temper. Her brothers are pretty good guys, but super stubborn and argumentative. Both alpha type.

I have grown up a pastors son in the shadow of my brother. We are taught that we are supposed to humble ourselves and serve snd love our spouses with actions snd words and to be gracious and forgiving. She has taken advantige of this in me, so I am changing
 
#44 · (Edited)
You are so used to being verbally abused and neglected that you do not realize how horrible your marriage is. Are you really wanting to live another 50+ years under these circumstance? Sounds like torture.

Until you are willing to lose the marriage if need be, it will never change. What kind of an example are you setting for your kids? If you have sons, do you want them to marry someone who treats them like crap and have them think they have to accept it? If you have daughters, do you want them to grow up thinking it is OK to treat their husband like your wife treats you?

Can you set aside a block of time and tell your wife that the two of you need to talk (accept no excuses). Let her know that this is not the marriage you envisioned and it has to either change or end. Let her know you can no longer live in an environment where it is acceptable to be disrespected especially in front of your children. Maybe have some marriage counselling set up (and tell her she must seek individual counselling as well). Tell her it will be discussed there further, but major changes must be made for both if you. If she refuses, let her know it is time for her to get a job and get ready to help support the family since she will soon be a single mom. Yes, you will be doing a lot of CS and alimony but you can recover and build a much better life for yourself and your children who will respect you more for not tolerating the abuse.
 
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