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Nudity.

13K views 69 replies 35 participants last post by  k-ci 
#1 ·
The GF and I were watching music videos from the 1990s last night. Nostalgia trip.

One that came on was "Smack My B*** Up" by the Prodigy.
At one point, the video enters a strip club. Topless women were shown.

The GF freaks out and turns off the video. Cue long discussion about nudity in videos, cinema, art, etc. She says she expects me to close my eyes in R-rated movies when there is nudity or sexually suggestive material. She says she thinks most women feel just as uncomfortable with their men seeing women naked and would make the same request (close your eyes, even if she's not around) if they had the courage to.

True or false?
 
#2 ·
:rofl:

What? There is nothing wrong with seeing naked people in a movie, video game (ours has nude men and women), videos, etc.

Strip clubs are not ok in my marriage, but hubs was the one who set that boundary. he thinks they're seedy and I agree.

But your gf just sounds VERY insecure about her own body...and thinks if you see other women, you'll compare her to them and then leave her.

I think bodies are beautiful. Nudity is not a big deal to me when in a tasteful situation. I'm not into raunchy, neither is hubs...unless we are being raunchy together ;)

I'd just say your gf is VERY insecure. Asking you to close your eyes? LOL Are you 5? no. You're a grown man. And just because you see a naked woman, doesn't mean you're going to go jack off or leave your woman.
 
#5 ·
I would peek between my mom's fingers. I remember seeing the guy's head explode or something in Indiana Jones...lol...I never peeked through again.

Sorry, off topic. But yea, she's not your mother. Don't let her treat you like a child.
 
#6 ·
Her response was that it makes it more likely that I will think of whatever naked person I saw in the movie when we make love (or I masturbate).

She said "You can think that's as irrational as you want but it's how most women think."

She's one of those incredibly beautiful women that every man gawks at down the street, which is why insecurity is so strange of a concept to apply to her. Though her beauty makes it no less likely, I guess.
 
#9 ·
I'm a woman, and I don't think that way at all. He's my S/O, not my child and I wouldn't tell him to do anything. If he did something that bothered me, I'd discuss it with him, explain my POV to him, but I wouldn't TELL him he had to do something (especially close his adult eyes to a nude scene). So would she make you cover your eyes if you where walking through a museum and zomg, there was a boob in a painting? I'm not making fun of her, I understand insecurity and self esteem issues, but sometimes some people go waaaay overboard.
 
#21 · (Edited)
Okay that helps a bit.

She may be really strict on that stuff, and consider you sinning when you look upon the nudity. There are a few families at my church that don't allow anything "R"-rated into the home. But she has to respect your moral values as well and know "most women" would ask that really means "most women I know".

Also, some churches, religions, self-described religious people have unhealthy hangups about sex in general (not just a belief that it should be kept off-screen).

Is your love life with her good, or do you find that she's squeamish and uptight in the bedroom as well?

ETA: just read your latest post.

You're right, she just doesn't get it.

The vast majority of physically healthy people simply enjoy sex. She did not want to have sex with her husband until the end of the marriage (and I'd bet that came about because she saw him slipping away, not because she generated enough passion to overcome her baggage). So either she married someone to whom she had zero attraction (which makes no sense - arranged marriages are uncommon) or she has serious issues.

So, she saw a therapist, who suggested she masturbate. I'm guessing this is because it's common for women to not be in the mood until they are participating in the act. So, has it worked? Have a significant sex drive emerged? Or, is it just something she does because the therapist said to - and if so then what is her plan to overcome her baggage?

So, I didn't catch for sure whether you are married. If you are I would suggest immediate IC for her to see what's up - it's just so far out of the norm. If she's still really religious, make sure you go to a church that builds up the beauty of sex in marriage and is plain on spouse's sexual responsibility to each other (my Pastor is clear on this, but it seems that most shirk the issue).

If you are not married, I would seriously reconsider committing to this person. Only you can make that decision for yourself. If it was me, I would run screaming for the hills - I don't care if she is hot enough to stop time. Never forget that she chose her aversion to sex over her first husband; do you really think you are so much better that she will melt in your hands?

BTW, her emotionality is not due to her ex-husband's affairs - it's because she realizes her failure and knows it can happen again if she doesn't fix her issues. Granted, her husband should not have cheated, but the marriage was doomed regardless.
 
#12 ·
Most women...uncomfortable ....yeah, could be...asking to close his eyes...I seriously doubt that one.

I say this with all seriousness, I would be upset if my husband didn't enjoy a little porn with me. No, I LIKE that a great deal (the softer stuff). BUt we have been together like forever - major trust there... we have even grown together in these things.

I used to be too religious too in my younger years, what a downer it was on my sexuality -accually, we was missing alot of excitement, and just plain "freedom", I knew more about the do's & don't of conservative morality than I had an education on sexuality, which was a shame.

I knew even then he used to look at Playboy magazines & his flavor of porn was strippers -had a few vhs videos, I never chewed him out really, didn't think too much of it ...

But then I would find him looking online (years later when we got a computer) & he would save pics of naken women, I did get a little bent out of shape over those things, cause I was still religious minded and basically we are taught that if a man does this, they are being unfaithful. I don't see it like that anymore- at all... We enjoy some porn, it has only enhanced our marraige, not hindered it.

And even back in the day, I loved a HOT Rated R scene, I would want him to watch every scene like that with me, it never bothered me if he got turned on , what generally happened is it turned ME on, and well, he was just thankful for that.
 
#18 ·
Deejo, some of the threads have been inspired more by my brother's situation than my own. But yes, I am thinking harder about it, especially because of the potential for sexual dysfunction.

She's beautiful, brilliant, is hilarious, and knows how to make me smile. She just is occasionally hostile to sexuality.
It's hard for me to think about. Writing here, with so many smart, sympathetic people responding, is very helpful.
 
#17 ·
She was a virgin until marriage to him. She said she never wanted to have sex until the last year of her marriage and by that point things had disintegrated to the point that he didn't want to sleep with her and had been having multiple affairs for a few years.

She went to sex counseling afterwards. Said the counselor suggested that she learn to masturbate - which she did. She has a little vibrating massage toy that she uses from time to time.
(I realize this is somewhat graphic and very personal. I hope I haven't given any details elsewhere on this forum that would compromise our privacy at all :-/ )

We had earlier in the day had a long discussion about sexual media - I had noted, while we watched some movie, that Americans seem much more comfortable showing a murder on television than a topless woman or bottomless man. She said that this is because people will be much more inclined to act on the sexual media; men will rush home and jerk off to the thought of a topless woman (and/or be more likely to rape) but will probably not rush home to kill someone.

I responded that men will probably jerk off the same amount, even without a topless woman in a movie - chimps do it, men in media-less societies do it, etc.

I think she just doesn't understand the male sexual response at all. And it's hard to explain to her, because she gets very emotional about the topic - no doubt due to her ex's infidelity.
 
#24 ·
Do you guys go to church? Seems like a purity issue more than anything else.........a respect for her not to see other women naked.

Nothing wrong with that.....I don't know how you justify to your wife that looking at other naked women is okay and good for the marriage especially if she isn't okay with it.
 
#25 ·
1. No I do not think the majority of women feel this way, though I would say many do.

2. Your girlfriend is insecure. You can deal with this specific problem but you will always be dealing with her insecurities, throughout the duration of your relationship. It comes out in situations like you mentioned, but also creates things like jealousy, depression, and self-concious sex. Wait till you're out of the "honeymoon" phase before considering spending your life or having kids with this chick.
 
#27 ·
Thanks for the helpful post, DTO.
No, we're not married. We talk about it a lot. It's been part of "The Plan" for a while, but now I'm seriously reconsidering. The hesitation on my part is more about my feeling that she might have BPD than any sex-related issues.

She seems to have a strong libido. She initiates sex about half the time.

I did not want to push premarital sex on her because of her religious convictions but she insisted (this was after some months of serious dating.)

That could be an act, of course, to make sure I don't leave.
 
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#54 ·
Dean,
There is a big difference between not wanting to make love right after that situation, and demanding that "you" close your eyes.

On a related note I would never gawk at another woman when I am with my W. She gets my focus and attention as it should be. If she asked/demanded I close my eyes in a movie - I would just give her a puzzled look and shrug.
 
#35 ·
I was this chic, not long ago.

When I first started dating and whatnot none of this stuff was an issue. I really was comfortable and secure - it never even crossed my mind that it was anything other just a movie or whathaveyou. In fact, in my early dating years, pornography wasn't even a problem with me.

Looking back, the insecurity started creeping in, in my second LTR (5 years). I watched my boyfriend, who initially had the freedom to do whatever he wanted, drift more towards porn - eventually becoming a full blown addiction before my very eyes. He stopped making love to me. Everytime I was in the shower, left the house, anytime I wasn't around, (and in the end, even when I was around) he was masturbating to porn. This damaged me badly. He no longer cared about anything else, and I mean ANYTHING. He didn't care about my feelings and I let myself deteriorate to the point where nudity in movies became a problem. It stuck with me for a looonngg time. I still struggle with all those feelings of inadequacy within myself. It hurt so much to know I was being replaced by broken women, whom I then started having an intense pity for. I didn't hate them - I saw they meant nothing and yet everything, and I began feeling that in myself.

I left that relationship, and the next one would be nearly identical - only this time I was paranoid about letting that happen again. I was insecure and sure I had to be on the lookout to make sure I wasn't being replaced.

When I married my husband I made it absolutely clear that porn was beyond a boundary I was comfortable with. Even though it has been an issue a few times, almost to the point of me leaving and never coming back, he understands I mean what I say. The insecurities grew as I learned he really could get off on anything - (once, a black and white newspaper ad with a woman in a bra - no big deal, but once I found out he masturbated to it, all hell broke loose).

I still struggle with this. When we watch movies I get sick to my stomach if anything sensual or erotic happens. I don't ask my husband to close his eyes, but if the scene doesn't pass quickly enough (and my threshold is admittedly low), I will tell him I feel uncomfortable. He gets irritated, and often trivializes my feelings, making it harder to get over because all I want is for him to understand how painful it is, even if it seems nuts. It's my reality, but fortunately I'm working on changing that. It is really hard to do!

The best thing my husband does is ask me if I'm ok when he knows something is likely to upset me, and he may even start a small conversation during one of these scenes, so he's looking at me, and I know what he's doing, and I feel glad that he is respectful - and guess what? I'm not as apprehensive as I was before. Don't get me wrong, I am still insecure, but how he treats me when I'm feeling that way is what makes it easier for me to cope with.

It's hard for me to remember how I used to be - unafraid, secure and unthreatened - but I am trying to find that person within me again. Thankfully my husband is mostly respectful, and for that I am grateful.

So I may not have been a big help, but I wanted to share my thoughts; unfortunately I can relate to your girlfriend's inner self, and I wish her the best of luck in getting through it. It's not as simple as just hearing "it's just a video/movie" - she is likely to feel invalidated and defensive. Try to be gentle. The more secure she feels with you, I think the more she'll relax.
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#36 ·
False, but I'm pissed off at the entire film industry, the American public, and a lot of other faceless entities because of the double standard for male and female nudity in film.

Bodies are beautiful and sacred and should be treated as such. They are frequently not. I agree with her revulsion at the way nudity is often used in films. However, closing your eyes will not make that go away. You have already bought your ticket and are supporting the problem.

She has a point but has made an unreasonable request.
 
#38 ·
Thanks for that side of things, Yin.
I'm very sorry about the addicted BF and the resulting psychological harm to you :(

The black and white picture thing is the problem. The GF thinks that somehow blocking out certain media is a surefire way to keep my sexual energy exclusively on her.

She - and I think a lot of women - don't understand the male sex drive. I'm quite a bit more turned on by, say, a half-second glance at the fully-clothed Brazilian exchange student from a week ago than by a random 5 minutes nude scene in a movie.

Short of blindfolding me or literally emasculating me, it's impossible for me to avoid being stimulated by other women. I'm faithful, but I don't think that fidelity requires me to repress my sexuality completely.

I did have a fascinating conversation with her brother in law about how their religious culture (he grew up in the same denomination) shapes views on sexuality and gender relations in a pretty unnatural way. Add that in with the ex-hubby who was porn and infidelity-addicted, it's not difficult to see why she's like this.

But I still think she must know it's unfair, logically. She's very very very smart. It's just hard to balance the emotional with the rational.
 
#42 ·
Religiously, she thinks it's something that belongs in marriage.
Her BIL explained to me that their religion teaches women 3 often contradictory things about sexuality: 1) To be sexually desired 2) To not have sexual desires 3) To get married and thus be able to have as much sex as possible.
 
#40 ·
The GF and I were watching music videos from the 1990s last night. Nostalgia trip.

One that came on was "Smack My B*** Up" by the Prodigy.
At one point, the video enters a strip club. Topless women were shown.

The GF freaks out and turns off the video. Cue long discussion about nudity in videos, cinema, art, etc. She says she expects me to close my eyes in R-rated movies when there is nudity or sexually suggestive material. She says she thinks most women feel just as uncomfortable with their men seeing women naked and would make the same request (close your eyes, even if she's not around) if they had the courage to.

True or false?
Rightly or wrongly, this is an impossible request in America today, with Victoria Secret's fashion shows on television and advertised on billboards, underwear modeled in magazines and newspapers, and woman in bikini's in half of the beer commercials on television.

To close your eyes at every media representation that is "sexually suggestive" is a deathwish, as you are very likely to walk out into traffic and steer your car off the road while closing your eyes.
 
#44 ·
I think this is not too far from the truth in a tounge and cheek kind of way.

But I also think its not a 'deathwish' to try and raise the bar of what you choose to consume. Im not interested in letting Abercrombie define the conversation for me, right?

I order little things from Victoria Secrets for the wife once in a while so now I routinely get the catalogs. They must spend plenty of time on them with photoshop, because - they are simply flawless. :D
 
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