I have been in my current relationship now for 20 years. We have children. It has never been a relationship made in heaven and we have had our troubles in the past, but for a long while now I have been feeling that i just dont love my husband anymore (Maybe years rather than weeks) I always thought that if I had no desire to marry my man by time wed been together 10 yrs then I probably never would then I got pregnant...that was 10 years ago and now we have "kids" (we did get married how or why...kids?)
This last year I have just constatntlt felt stressed all the time. Im so irritable, I get depressed easily and am having some therapy. My instincive feeling is I no longer love him but I kep trying to tell my head I do to make life easier.
I feel like Im a walking time bomb and one day it will all come out in a crazy destryuctive way. I really dont know how long I can go on like this. I just feel so desperate inside.
I love my kids so much and never want to hurt them, they love their dad sooo much too. Hes a very good dad, cant ever fault him for that. If it did ever come to a split...how on earth do you sort the kids out and who they live with. How can you expect them to choose??
My life just feels so bad at the moment and I dont know how to get past this.
I also suffer with anxiety disorder and I dont know which is making which worse?
Any comments from others who have felt like this would be very very welcome, just so I know Im not the only one to feel like this. I feel like a really bad person who is failing.
The most important question would be how old are the kids?
Could the dad take them on full time?
Normally the court will decide who is best for the kids to live with. It is normally based on many factors but it has more to do with who spends the most time caring for them and who can serve them the best.
In my first marriage I had a child and it was decided he would be with me. Although I have full custody of him because the mother is so good I let her see him when ever she wants to. It works for us.
Additionally the feelings you are having about your marriage is nothing new. Have you tried to give it a restart?
To many people fall into the mundane and lose the spark that drew them together in the first place. If you look at the 100 things in 100 days I am doing for my wife you'll see I put quite a bit into keeping that spark going. I will tell you we have had ups and downs but we are doing extremely well overall.
I don't fully know your situation. When did you first start feeling you didn't love him anymore? After the children? Did any big change happen in your life (job, family, friends)?
It's good you're talking to someone. Are you getting any help for this in therapy?
I know sometimes a relationship changes and that's all normal but no one gets married to be miserable.
I dont know when it started but its been around for a long time now. Things werent particularily good before the children. But I have a thing called SA and I kinda hang on to things and dont give up so even if we had problems before the kids I wouldnt have let go, like a not wanting to fail kinda thing, not wanting to let others down.
I am having some cognitive behavioural therapy for my anxiety and will eventually bring up the subject of my marriage but am trying to work on self esteem and confidence first to see if these make a difference (although deep down I dont think they will) But I feel they will help in any future decisions. My psyhologist did ask me about my relationship with my husband at the beginning but I just said things were ok and didnt aknowledge any problems.....I went home feeling guilty and depressed that day.
We were together for 12/13 years before we got married (lived together for 6) we had our first child after 10 years.
We havent been able to talk to each other for a very long time about anything (if ever?) No intimacy, any sex... is just sex. (and infrequent) He must feel somethings wrong because he makes the odd comment about me not loving him or divorcing him etc... i just walk away and dismiss it because Im too scared to enter into those types of conversation.
Okay, you have been to a psychologist. The general idea of psychology is not to tell you the answer but to help you with guiding questions so you can find the answer yourself and understand the process of solving the problem. Also if someone just gives you an answer you may not believe it to be true so you don't use the advise.
So here is the first observation. Your husband has stuck with you through some rough times, so I would believe he loves you very deep down he still burns for your love and affection.
You have been with this man for years without divorce, do you still love your husband and/or hope things go back to where they once were?
I dont know draconis because I cant really recall a time when things were really good!
I just feel empty, when we kiss goodbye its empty. When he occasionally says he loves me (usually if he thinks theres something on my mind) it doesnt evoke anythink. When I say I love you back, I feel guilty. I sometimes find it really hard to be around him (but I do with other people too so is not a good indicator)
I just dont know because I dont really feel anything? Does that make sense.
And im not sure about the sticking with me through rough times , more like stuck together as hes not particularily supported me. But given our relationship, he must I spose to still be here with me. (although once when I said we should split up, he did comment on how these things didnt happen to him because he wasnt like everyone else, he was good? So wether or not he sees it as a failure thing too....I dont know?)
No intimacy, any sex... is just sex. (and infrequent) He must feel somethings wrong because he makes the odd comment about me not loving him or divorcing him etc... i just walk away and dismiss it because Im too scared to enter into those types of conversation.
It sounds like there are a lot of things going on here. It doesn't sound like you talk to him about these feelings, and while I understand hearing some of this may hurt him--I think you should let him know that you're worried about the relationship. If he's really committed to you he will respond. He knows something is wrong, please communicate with him so he doesn't feel like he's alone in this.
You should also be more honest with your psychologist. Talk about some of the problems you're having and maybe s/he can help you gain some insight on how your SA is affecting your marriage, or if it's your SA at all.
draconis asks some good questions. If you could focus on what attracted you to your husband in the first place, that might help.
and off topic on the love question...I wish I knew, is it me. I've got a lot of theories...
I.) Communication~ An Open line of communication can build a great relationship, keep it moving or repair it when there is damage to it. In my view there is nothing more important then being able to talk to your partner about every thing. By communicating I know my wife what she wants and what she expects. The lack of communication almost lost a great thing. The ability to communicate not only saved it but strengthened us.
A.) Listen~ A part of communication has to be the ability to listen. No one wants to spill their heart out if the other person isn’t listening or just paying lip service.
1.) Boundaries~ Listen to what your partner thinks as far as limits. Is hugging okay, how about dancing with someone else? Knowing where your boundaries are can keep you from having to repair a relationship.
B.) Acceptance~ You have to be able to accept what you are being told from your partner. Saying you do doesn’t help if you can’t or refuse to use the information.
C.) Sharing~ You must be willing to share the good and the bad of the day or even your dreams to communicate well.
D.) Conflict Resolution~ Use communication to solve your problems. Most arguments are not because people disagree but rather they can’t or will not compromise or they can’t understand what the other wants. Arguing is the worst form of talking because things not meant to be said are out of anger and most arguments would not happen if there was good communication.