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trying to cope with narcissist lover

6K views 46 replies 18 participants last post by  NaturalHeart 
#1 ·
I'm 23 years old and have been in relationship with a narcissist since 4yrs.
I recently discovered that I am living with a narcissist. I love him a lot. At the same time, I am not able to tolerate his abuses(emotional and physical to some extent) towards me anymore. I want to help him too. To relieve him off his condition. But, feels like I'm losing myself somewhere along the line.

Please advice me if a narcissist can ever change? Am i investing my time into something that can never happen?

He never appreciates me for anything good I do. Always manages to insult n make an issue even out of smallest of my mistakes. His major mistakes are not even acknowledged as mistakes! I wil b blamed n punished for his mistakes as well! My tears,pain,suffering have no value. His pain is all that matters to him.

But at times he shows love n care, I start to hope that things would improve. They never do. Just then he gets back to his old habit. what ever happens anywhere, will always b my misake. But I still end up going back to him at the slightest display of affection!

I want to get away from away from him n I restrain myself from going away from him!Totally confused! Please help!!
 
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#34 ·
There has been a lot of activity on this thread since I was on last...lots of things to comment on.
I am really sorry to hear the things you have been going through, he has no right to be treating you with such disrespect. I've grown to hate my birthday, Valentines Day etc. because it is always the same...I do usually get something, but it is always bought the day of, never any thought put into it, I will usually cook. It kind of kicked in how bad it had gotten when I was away for my birthday this year, across the country with a couple of aquaintances and some people I just met and they threw me a party, got special cupcakes, made a special dinner, even got me some really thoughtful presents - people who really didn't know me treated me better than I am treated by the person who "loves" me. Him isolating you is all part of the control, I am so glad you have at least found some people you can talk to in here and know we are in your corner with you! I read some things in your posts that are much worse that what I have had to deal with...I can go out with my (few)friends, I can do some things that make me feel better about myself, I don't have to re-cook dinner, I'm not physically abused. Even if those things improve, it is still not the life you want to live.
I was also thinking about this after I posted you...you are getting bombarded by people telling you to leave and in your head you hear that but are also thinking about the good things too...these people don't know all of it, I am complaining about all the bad things but they don't understand the good, I am giving him a bad shake. My husband has a lot of good qualities. He is outgoing, has tons of friends, everyone likes him, he's funny, he provides financially for his family, he goes to work everyday, he spends his time at home, my son adores him, we share the same interests, we have a lot of really good times together. These are the reasons I married him. I thought the lying and the need to be right all the time would improve with time, stuff he would grow out of. It's not, the longer you disregard your happiness in exchange for his the worse it gets.
Get some help for your co-dependancy, "Co-dependant No More" is basically our bible. Read it twice, let it all sink in.
I really liked what Prodigal said: "Lied, lied, and lied some more. The scarey thing? He REALLY believed his lies." This is SO true. They also really believe they treat you great because they only remember the good stuff, and you are an ungrateful biiiatch for not seeing it that way.
I can see how you are scared of the threats, but you can combat that head-on, you just really need to summon up all the confidence that you do have left. The book will help. You need to get a restraining order, you need to tell your parents his threats. I don't know what kind of place you work in, but your boss or HR manager either already has a protocol for this or can figure out a plan with you. I know he seems really scary, but the more you have a plan in place, stick to your guns and show him he does not have power over you anymore, most likely he will just go away and look for someone else to control.
Lots of rambling, sorry....just trying to say all the things I wish I would have heard when I was where you are now.
 
#37 ·
thanks a lot guys. This forum is really helpin me out. I used to so blindly wait for him to get alright after an episode. Even without askin for an explanation. Him gettin back to normal with me was all i asked. Mayb Thats why i got only that much. I've started asking for more. After the episode , two days back, i haven't talked to him. I'm holding my stand. Its difficult for me to make up my mind to leave him right away. But I've taken my first step towards it....
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#39 ·
It has been a while since I last posted. I sort of, fell back to his trap all over again. I 've started letting him know that he can't treat me like a slave anymore. For which, he is obviously reacting violently. Sometimes over sweetly. It is very tempting when he treats me well. I can't tell you guys, how tempting it would be. So, I fell back to his trap. Felt like it would forever remain this way. But, It did not(as everyone told).

So, I've decided not to think on my own. It maybe good or bad(I'm saying this because, most of the times I would be feeling that he has become good or would become good), staying away from him is the right thing to do. However, tempting it might be. I'll just believe that I need to stay away from him.

I had sort of lost my track these days. Read this thread all over again. I constantly need to remind myself that I deserve better.

I'll buy that "co dependent no more" book, first thing today.
 
#41 ·
It has been a while since I last posted. I sort of, fell back to his trap all over again. I 've started letting him know that he can't treat me like a slave anymore. For which, he is obviously reacting violently. Sometimes over sweetly. It is very tempting when he treats me well. I can't tell you guys, how tempting it would be. So, I fell back to his trap. Felt like it would forever remain this way. But, It did not(as everyone told).

So, I've decided not to think on my own. It maybe good or bad(I'm saying this because, most of the times I would be feeling that he has become good or would become good), staying away from him is the right thing to do. However, tempting it might be. I'll just believe that I need to stay away from him.

I had sort of lost my track these days. Read this thread all over again. I constantly need to remind myself that I deserve better.

I'll buy that "co dependent no more" book, first thing today.
Maybe start on chapter 5 ( Detachment ) . It is a real eye opener ! Then go back to chapter 1 . This is a perfect book for people like us. It will give you much more insight on who you are , how your mind works and how to change it ! I have read the book twice and will keep reading it until it sinks in completely ! Let me know what you think of it. You will not be able to put it down until it's finished I'm sure ;o)
 
#44 ·
My Narc doesn't seem to even want to stay with me. She keeps leaving me and comes back when all else fails ! Then she becomes the manipulator ! I do believe it is over this time. She has found someone that makes her happy and will probably make the best of it this time.
 
#45 ·
I would never want to over-simplify a complex situation, but to me the most plain part is this...I think you said he is physically abusive? Based on that, and that alone, he has FAILED and you should get out! Nuff said. I cannot think of any time that it would be ok, so all of the psychological issues aside, get yourself out and get safe.

I would also follow the other good advice here and take some time to get yourself healthy before seeking any new relationships or risk finding another one like this. The healthier you are, the healthier the people you will attract.

Nobody deserves to be treated like this and there IS someone better out there.
Good luck,
 
#46 ·
Am I right that you are still living with him? How are you staying away from him if you are living with him?

You said that he gets violent? There are organizations that help people who are emotionally and plysically abused. Find one in your area and ask them for help in getting out of the situation you are in. Tell them of his threats to harass you, get you fired, against your parents, etc.

If he ever puts a hand on you call the police, have him removed from your home and get a restraining order so he cannot come back. And then move to where he cannot find you.

You owe him no explaination.
 
#47 ·
Am I right that you are still living with him? How are you staying away from him if you are living with him?

You said that he gets violent? There are organizations that help people who are emotionally and plysically abused. Find one in your area and ask them for help in getting out of the situation you are in. Tell them of his threats to harass you, get you fired, against your parents, etc.

If he ever puts a hand on you call the police, have him removed from your home and get a restraining order so he cannot come back. And then move to where he cannot find you.

You owe him no explaination.

I don't know how NARCs have such a hold on people but they do. I dated one in college and didn't know that is what he was at the time. When they say you spend a lifetime trying to get over a narcissist, I believe this to be true. I am married to a wonderful man now but I had to do a lot of reading (still do a lot of reading on it) to get strong and be able to kick dust in the NARCs face when he tries to come back.

If you stay with him just know that you will spend everyday wondering if he is cheating or worried about your annual blood test. That alone should be enough for you to be done. It is one thing when you have suspicions of his cheating but when you know for sure and you still stay, the end result will be all on you. He can't change because he has a problem. You will never be enough for him because his ego has to fed daily. He is a manipulator at heart. He does that best. He is not wanting you or being sweet to you. HE IS BEING SWEET AT WINNING. He wants to win and you're validating how he must be that desirable. He sees it as, this woman know Im cheating and have cheated many many times in the past but she is still here. He is looking in the mirror with the big chest saying "I'm the man"- I can cheat on THEM (all his women) and they still keep coming back - in your case you keep staying. You will have more power if you break it off and then put things in place for him to abide by. I think you have to cut a NARC off cold turkey. Better said than done but I'd rather be able to sleep at night knowing I can have a real meaningful relationship with someone and not be worried about when I could be contracting not knowing if what bed he just climbed out of
 
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