needadvice_narcissist

I'm 23 years old and have been in relationship with a narcissist since 4yrs.
I recently discovered that I am living with a narcissist. I love him a lot. At the same time, I am not able to tolerate his abuses(emotional and physical to some extent) towards me anymore. I want to help him too. To relieve him off his condition. But, feels like I'm losing myself somewhere along the line.

Please advice me if a narcissist can ever change? Am i investing my time into something that can never happen?

He never appreciates me for anything good I do. Always manages to insult n make an issue even out of smallest of my mistakes. His major mistakes are not even acknowledged as mistakes! I wil b blamed n punished for his mistakes as well! My tears,pain,suffering have no value. His pain is all that matters to him.

But at times he shows love n care, I start to hope that things would improve. They never do. Just then he gets back to his old habit. what ever happens anywhere, will always b my misake. But I still end up going back to him at the slightest display of affection!

I want to get away from away from him n I restrain myself from going away from him!Totally confused! Please help!!

that_girl

GET OUT NOW.

I was with one for years (have his child) and left. Never married, and THANK GOD FOR THAT.

He will not get better. Leave him now.

__________________

Jellybeans

They don't change. Dump him.
Posted via Mobile Device

needadvice_narcissist

I fell trapped because of the occasional intense love he shows! I fell I am obliged towards that love! I know getting out is the best solution. But, this is what is holding me back

that_girl

He showers you like that to keep you there.

It's not love. It's power.
Get out.

__________________

needadvice_narcissist

Thanks for the quick reply and advice. I'll try to look at his love as just a tool to keep me there. Maybe i'll bring myself to some senses.

chillymorn

just looked up the definition of narcissist..........ugly,ugly ugly

cut your losses

alphapuppy

Physical and emotional abuse?

LEAVE NOW.

There is no way to gain respect for yourself except by setting strong and healthy boundaries between you and people who violate you.

If there is any hint of physical abuse, you should leave.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I simply can't say anything else.

Or, if it helps to think of it this way, real love is more important than intense shows of affection, right? And if you really love yourself, you'll take care of yourself, right? And taking care of yourself means... what, in this situation?

Jellybeans

You already know he's not good for you. That's why you post about how he mistreats you and you want him to change and blah blah blah.

People don't change unless they want to. It has nothing to do with you. So if he doesn't see anything wrong w/ his behavior, expect more of the same.

Get into therapy to find out why you are attracted to someone who treats you poorly and only occassionally shows you love/affection. Stop this pattern now.

Jellybeans

Your words, highlighted:

The red part, especially, is sickening. Why would you want to stay with someone who's like that????

Also, anytime you are waiting for someone to CHANGE, you are wasting your TIME.

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

needadvice_narcissist

Thats what I'm confused about! Why am i still with him. Its high time I leave.

And the contents in red part are only the tip of an ice berg.

alphapuppy

"It's high time I leave."

You said it.

tacoma

If he truly is a narcissist he does this because you feed his delusion.

If he truly is a narcissist get the hell out now because he`s incapable of giving a damn about anything other than himself and the things that prop up his delusion.

Has he been diagnosed with NPD or are you just using the term because he has narcissistic tendencies?

If he`s been diagnosed with NPD, run like hell.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You wanting to help him is just another way of him keeping you with him. You must remember that a narcissist will never feel complete, ever. You know how when you add vinegar to baking soda there is a reaction and then it's over? Well, think of a narcissist as an endless supply of baking soda. Then imagine yourself with a bucket with holes in it with which you must ferry vinegar to continue to feed his needs. Think about carrying that bucket with the holes in it and doing nothing other than ferrying vinegar for the rest of your life. Do you REALLY think that's a helpful way to spend your time? Were you really put on this earth SPECIFICALLY to cater to another human being 100% of your time? To the detriment of your spirit? Is that fair to all the other people you could be sharing your life with who might truly appreciate your time and energy and spirit?

Personally, having been involved with narcissists, I think it's even a worse thing to do to yourself than suicide...it's like suicide for people who want to stick around to see themselves die, while simultaneously feeling 'good' about it, because they can make up some story about how they're trying to help someone. Let's get this straight...if you're not a psychiatrist you're unqualified. And even if you do succeed in rescuing someone with deep psych problems, what makes you think a person like that is going to be loyal to you and reward you for your trouble? He'll get a fresh victim, because that's what narcissists do. Then you'll be occupied trying to save her, warn her off...and she'll laugh and say you're nuts, she's heard all about you.

Listen to the advice here. Just leave. Stop thinking.
Do for YOURSELF everything you would be willing to do for him.

Every time I cut broccoli I end up thinking about the narcissist who needed it cut a certain way. As for the coffee grinder, I grind it how I like it and have stopped thinking about that issue. Good grief. I made broccoli for dinner, in case you're wondering. Then saw your post...yikes!

You know how far narcissists will go to keep you in their aura? They will even make foolish risks to keep you close. My former narcissist friend is dead, misused his insulin one too many times. Fortunately I had smartened up by then and had ended my 'friendship' with him clean and publicly, otherwise when he did OD or whatever he did, I didn't get framed for it. A real narcissist will keep you close to him even in the grave. When you do leave, make sure you document your tracks. Otherwise he will concoct some kind of issue or problem to keep you harnessed in one way or another.

oregonmom

I've been where you are at, down to the age and how long you have been with him. It is funny how you see others story's so similar to your own and immediately think "run!!" yet don't do the same in your own life. It is good you see this now, and the best advice I can give you is to leave. You don't want to be 8 more years down the road, married with a kid and still dealing with the same stuff. It just makes it all the more complicated and your self esteem will be even lower because you have continually suffered from the emotional abuse. You are better than that. He loves the things you do for him, he doesn't love YOU. You treat people you love with respect, and he does not have respect for you. He will not change, and individual counciling will not work, he will manipulate the therapist. Don't want to be a negative nancy, but I feel like I am living your future right now if you stay, and you don't want it.