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trying to cope with narcissist lover

6K views 46 replies 18 participants last post by  NaturalHeart 
#1 ·
I'm 23 years old and have been in relationship with a narcissist since 4yrs.
I recently discovered that I am living with a narcissist. I love him a lot. At the same time, I am not able to tolerate his abuses(emotional and physical to some extent) towards me anymore. I want to help him too. To relieve him off his condition. But, feels like I'm losing myself somewhere along the line.

Please advice me if a narcissist can ever change? Am i investing my time into something that can never happen?

He never appreciates me for anything good I do. Always manages to insult n make an issue even out of smallest of my mistakes. His major mistakes are not even acknowledged as mistakes! I wil b blamed n punished for his mistakes as well! My tears,pain,suffering have no value. His pain is all that matters to him.

But at times he shows love n care, I start to hope that things would improve. They never do. Just then he gets back to his old habit. what ever happens anywhere, will always b my misake. But I still end up going back to him at the slightest display of affection!

I want to get away from away from him n I restrain myself from going away from him!Totally confused! Please help!!
 
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#13 ·
If he truly is a narcissist he does this because you feed his delusion.

If he truly is a narcissist get the hell out now because he`s incapable of giving a damn about anything other than himself and the things that prop up his delusion.

Has he been diagnosed with NPD or are you just using the term because he has narcissistic tendencies?

If he`s been diagnosed with NPD, run like hell.
 
#40 ·
:iagree:

For me it was 6 years... I thought I could help him, I wanted to help him, he even went to therapy saying he wanted to get better but I was just stuck... IMHO an abuser will always be an abuser (I know very few who actually change). You can't change him or help him. He has to help himself.

As for the signs that you think he loves you, like THAT_GIRL mentioned it's not love, it's a way to control you. People like him are naturally drawn to you because you care and want to help. Cut your losses and leave. I know it's not as easy as it sounds but you just have to adapt quick and do it.

You need to think of yourself and your future, happiness, and well being. You're not responsible for his, he is.
 
#8 ·
Physical and emotional abuse?

LEAVE NOW.

There is no way to gain respect for yourself except by setting strong and healthy boundaries between you and people who violate you.

If there is any hint of physical abuse, you should leave.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I simply can't say anything else.

Or, if it helps to think of it this way, real love is more important than intense shows of affection, right? And if you really love yourself, you'll take care of yourself, right? And taking care of yourself means... what, in this situation?
 
#9 ·
You already know he's not good for you. That's why you post about how he mistreats you and you want him to change and blah blah blah.

People don't change unless they want to. It has nothing to do with you. So if he doesn't see anything wrong w/ his behavior, expect more of the same.

Get into therapy to find out why you are attracted to someone who treats you poorly and only occassionally shows you love/affection. Stop this pattern now.



 
#10 ·
Your words, highlighted:

I'm 23 years old and have been in relationship with a narcissist since 4yrs.
I recently discovered that I am living with a narcissist. I love him a lot. At the same time, I am not able to tolerate his abuses(emotional and physical to some extent) towards me anymore. I want to help him too. To relieve him off his condition. But, feels like I'm losing myself somewhere along the line.

Please advice me if a narcissist can ever change? Am i investing my time into something that can never happen?

He never appreciates me for anything good I do. Always manages to insult n make an issue even out of smallest of my mistakes. His major mistakes are not even acknowledged as mistakes! I wil b blamed n punished for his mistakes as well! My tears,pain,suffering have no value. His pain is all that matters to him.

But at times he shows love n care, I start to hope that things would improve. They never do. Just then he gets back to his old habit. what ever happens anywhere, will always b my misake. But I still end up going back to him at the slightest display of affection!

I want to get away from away from him n I restrain myself from going away from him!Totally confused! Please help!!
I know getting out is the best solution. But, this is what is holding me back
Thanks for the quick reply and advice. I'll try to look at his love as just a tool to keep me there. Maybe i'll bring myself to some senses.
The red part, especially, is sickening. Why would you want to stay with someone who's like that???? :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

Also, anytime you are waiting for someone to CHANGE, you are wasting your TIME.



 
#14 · (Edited)
You wanting to help him is just another way of him keeping you with him. You must remember that a narcissist will never feel complete, ever. You know how when you add vinegar to baking soda there is a reaction and then it's over? Well, think of a narcissist as an endless supply of baking soda. Then imagine yourself with a bucket with holes in it with which you must ferry vinegar to continue to feed his needs. Think about carrying that bucket with the holes in it and doing nothing other than ferrying vinegar for the rest of your life. Do you REALLY think that's a helpful way to spend your time? Were you really put on this earth SPECIFICALLY to cater to another human being 100% of your time? To the detriment of your spirit? Is that fair to all the other people you could be sharing your life with who might truly appreciate your time and energy and spirit?

Personally, having been involved with narcissists, I think it's even a worse thing to do to yourself than suicide...it's like suicide for people who want to stick around to see themselves die, while simultaneously feeling 'good' about it, because they can make up some story about how they're trying to help someone. Let's get this straight...if you're not a psychiatrist you're unqualified. And even if you do succeed in rescuing someone with deep psych problems, what makes you think a person like that is going to be loyal to you and reward you for your trouble? He'll get a fresh victim, because that's what narcissists do. Then you'll be occupied trying to save her, warn her off...and she'll laugh and say you're nuts, she's heard all about you.

Listen to the advice here. Just leave. Stop thinking.
Do for YOURSELF everything you would be willing to do for him.

Every time I cut broccoli I end up thinking about the narcissist who needed it cut a certain way. As for the coffee grinder, I grind it how I like it and have stopped thinking about that issue. Good grief. I made broccoli for dinner, in case you're wondering. Then saw your post...yikes!

You know how far narcissists will go to keep you in their aura? They will even make foolish risks to keep you close. My former narcissist friend is dead, misused his insulin one too many times. Fortunately I had smartened up by then and had ended my 'friendship' with him clean and publicly, otherwise when he did OD or whatever he did, I didn't get framed for it. A real narcissist will keep you close to him even in the grave. When you do leave, make sure you document your tracks. Otherwise he will concoct some kind of issue or problem to keep you harnessed in one way or another.
 
#17 ·
You wanting to help him is just another way of him keeping you with him. You must remember that a narcissist will never feel complete, ever. You know how when you add vinegar to baking soda there is a reaction and then it's over? Well, think of a narcissist as an endless supply of baking soda. Then imagine yourself with a bucket with holes in it with which you must ferry vinegar to continue to feed his needs. Think about carrying that bucket with the holes in it and doing nothing other than ferrying vinegar for the rest of your life. Do you REALLY think that's a helpful way to spend your time? Were you really put on this earth SPECIFICALLY to cater to another human being 100% of your time? To the detriment of your spirit? Is that fair to all the other people you could be sharing your life with who might truly appreciate your time and energy and spirit?

You know how far narcissists will go to keep you in their aura? They will even make foolish risks to keep you close.

thanks.. its really helping me open my eyes. I have changed myself so much over these few yrs that, without my conscious knowledge I've given his happiness topmost priority instead of mine. First thing I should value is my happiness from now on
 
#15 ·
I've been where you are at, down to the age and how long you have been with him. It is funny how you see others story's so similar to your own and immediately think "run!!" yet don't do the same in your own life. It is good you see this now, and the best advice I can give you is to leave. You don't want to be 8 more years down the road, married with a kid and still dealing with the same stuff. It just makes it all the more complicated and your self esteem will be even lower because you have continually suffered from the emotional abuse. You are better than that. He loves the things you do for him, he doesn't love YOU. You treat people you love with respect, and he does not have respect for you. He will not change, and individual counciling will not work, he will manipulate the therapist. Don't want to be a negative nancy, but I feel like I am living your future right now if you stay, and you don't want it.
 
#19 ·


I am putting sincere effort to make myself leave him. Its really sad to know that you have also gone through all these. I feel like sharing a little of my experience just to lighten my heart.

At the beginning, everything was just wonderful. But, as time went by, things started changing. He started demanding that I dedicate all of my time to be with him. Cut off my time with my friends. I was so blinded( by the love he showed me) that I thought he can't stand being away from me even for a second n happily gave my entire time to him. obviously got separated from all my friends. Later as months passed by, all the things he used to do for me began disappearing. I used to go to any extent to please him and earn his affection. While posting this message, I'm trying to recall n it hurts me to think that like a child I used wait for his appreciation n get disappointed when I didn't get those. Instead of giving up,I used to work even harder. N somewhere when he felt I had enough he used to grant me with some affection.

I cook for him. The food should always be excellent. even a slight change in taste or if it turns out to be ok instead of excellent, he abuses me with all sorts of words n the entire dish has to redone. Doesn't do any chores. Expects me to do everything. He won't do his work n expects me not just to do it, but do it perfectly!

Nobody should insult him anywhere. If something like that happens, my peace is gone! He takes it out on me. insults me telling me that I am not good enough for him. I can't be good to anybody. That he is doing me a favor by being with me.

He involves me into his work somehow n if that work turns out well, its because of him. If it goes bad, its because of me! over the time I just started not doing any kinda work with him at all. He screws up for sure n then blames it on me.

The only time when he doesn't behave this way is in bed. He says all kind of nice things. But in the mornings, there will be this transformation in him n I'll b shocked wondering was this the same person to whom I talked to last night! But of course, such nights are disappearing too.

Only my first year birthday was celebrated. All the other years, he has made me cry on my birthday. He doesn't even wish me. I have to ask him n then after that he wishes. He doesn't celebrate his birthday either. Wonder whats the deal with that!

All these 4 years my world revolved around him, trying to make him better, making him happy, taking his blames, doing things for him. I hadn't even realized that what is happening is wrong. There should be reciprocity n not one sided.

Anyway, it has been a rough 4yr with occasional incentives.
 
#16 ·
Please, whatever you do, get away from this person asap. He will not change and will try all sorts of things to keep you under his thumb. Right now, he knows that you'll be there no matter what he does to you. Your self respect and life are worth far more than being a punching bag for someone else.

If what you've written is only the tip of the iceberg, then you'd cut your losses by RUNNING away as fast as possible.
 
#20 ·
The thing about in bed...he is using your most basic emotional and sexual needs against you. My grandmother was a wise women. She advocated total self-reliance for girls to become complete women...what I'm meaning is that you can certainly take care of yourself in that way better than a narcissist. It is so easy to fall into a sex/physical comfort addiction...every other avenue to being emotionally fulfilled has been taken away from you, so naturally you turn to this when it's offered, and he's careful to make sure you don't stray in that way and keep coming back...at the end of the day maybe you will get some comfort in bed...this is the way of narcissists. Please don't be guilty, you need to start having thoughts about how lovely it might be to someday get love from someone who gives it round the clock, not as a way to practice holding you hostage. The shackles are there, you just can't see them. Probably after you understand this, you will be revolted by his touch, and he will know what's up...narcissists are always so aware of how their captives feel...even though we all try to think that it's all about them...it's about them keeping control of their 'supply' and they absolutely fear abandonment. It's worse than death for them.

Anyway, my grandmother is long gone, but I still remember what she told me about self-reliance. :rolleyes::D;):rofl:
 
#22 ·
Narcissism is a highly powerful mental disorder. Narcissists can only survive on being desired and must have a fallback plan at all times. They suck you in with loving words and know just the right things to say to get you back after they leave. They are the most powerful manipulators in the world. They can most be related to Vampires. They feed off of your love and when they drain it all , then they get bored and go to the next victim. After they do the same to them , then they will come back and get whatever you have built up since they left. They call this " Feeding them their narcissistic supply ". They have to have this supply of games and torment to survive and if they can't find it they will wash the pain out with drugs ! They have such a trance on you that doctors say it is almost impossible to get out of without being very knowledgeable of what you are up against. This is why the OG can't stop letting my ex back in also , because he is in a trance too already. So it has been very empowering to find this info out and learn how to control this evil being. Narcissists have no conscience and cannot empathize with others feelings. I can honestly say that I am finally done , now that I know what I'm up against and also know that she can never change. Even therapists don't know how to fix a Narcissist , since they can't take blame or listen to reason ! If you wanna read my story http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32606-8-years-lost-cheating-mother.html . Hopefully it helps ! Get better and PM me if you need to talk. We could probably help each other get through this. Good Luck ! We will need it ....
 
#24 ·
To understand a narcissist you must recognize that the more they do to you the more you try even harder to get them back. That is the power they have. This is just not letting go of your average loving relationship. This goes much deeper into the mind he has stolen from her. We can't even think for ourselves after dealing with this much mental re-networking. He has stolen her decisions, self esteem and reason. It is a long process to reprogram the brain to think correctly again and in the meantime she still has to counter his attacks whenever he calls.
 
#26 ·




Very true. Its like I am going on a war with my own brain to bring some senses to myself. I'll be knowing that what is happening is wrong n yet fail to take action against it. All yesterday n today had somehow brought myself on planning my escape. Today , its like even simplest of works feels like an impossible task
 
#25 ·
My ex is here right now visiting with our son for 4 hrs and I haven't said a word to her or even looked at her. I have kept myself in my bedroom where I am safe from feeding her supply. This is the first encounter I have had since she left 4 days ago and it is very tough but we must stand firm !
 
#27 ·
Anybody living with a person who has a mental disorder (personality disorder) is a codependent. In the same way a person living with an alcoholic is a codependent. Want to know more about yourself? Read up about codependents.

Codependents are abused. Abused people have poor, if any personal boundaries. Want to stop being abused and being a codependent? Read up and enforce your personal boundaries.

It really is that simple. In essence you (1) stop trying to change the person who is abusing you and then (2) you no longer tolerate their abuse.
 
#29 ·
I realize I'm jumping in late on this thread, but as a codependent, who was married to a raging narcissist, I can read between the lines of your posts. You have no energy for your own self-preservation; meaning, getting the heck outta there and leaving no forwarding address. I've been there myself. I had a decent job, I started disliking my husband to the point that I wished him dead, but still I stayed. I tolerated physical, emotional, and verbal abuse.

He was charming. Great in bed. But he was a narcissist who had his own agenda. Lied, lied, and lied some more. The scarey thing? He REALLY believed his lies. I was drained, worn out, and didn't have it in me to leave.

UNTIL THE NIGHT I GOT REALLY ANGRY. I'd had enough of him trying to "charm" more money out of me everytime he came up short due to unemployment, running up the credit cards, or just spending money on himself for unnecessary crap.

I had to literally fight my way out of that house, but I got away. Then I got a restraining order. Then I had the cops toss him out of our home so I could pack my things without his interference. Did he threaten and make a lot of noise? Yes. But three police cruisers pulling up in our driveway to escort him out of the neighborhood shut him up.

Narcissists keep codies trapped by manipulative charm. If that doesn't work, they try hitting your fear buttons. When you build up a good head of steam and get out of the victim mentality of trying to please someone who cannot be pleased, you will leave.

You are not helpless. You are not powerless. However, you have freely handed your power over to this man. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll get p.o.'d enough to take your power back.

The night I escaped from my maniac ex-husband was the first step on my journey to being free from victimization and owning my life. You only have one shot, and it's short, so keep that in mind.
 
#36 ·
You are not helpless. You are not powerless. However, you have freely handed your power over to this man. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll get p.o.'d enough to take your power back.
:iagree:

Things with a narcissist is always wonderful in the beginning. That's how they hook ya ;)
Bingo. Every single one of them.

The slightest sign I show him that I've had enough, he threatens me. Threatens me to take my peace away from me. Its my mistake that I had shown him that I don't care about happiness also. all I want is little peace!! Is that too much to ask for? Well he is en-cashing that now. He tells me, not the cops or anybody can stop him from troubling me, He'd go to my parents n cause them trouble, would go to my work place n embarrass me there. If at all I make new friends, he would embarrass n trouble them too it seems.
He does this because you allow him to. Or rather, you make him see it's ok that he threatens you. Because you don't stand up for youself. I wish to HELL someone would threaten my family, my parents............. Nobody fvcks with my parents! They are the apples of my eye, my heart. If this fool tells you you can't call the cops, he's going to come to your work or he's threatening your parents, tell him: "Watch it. Cause I will have zero problem calling the cops on you. Do not fvck with me." Be clear. And leave him. All this aying you are going to leave is just bluffing, which he knows. He enjoys it. He gets pleasure of it. Cause he believes youa re NEVER going to go anywhere (cause you have showed him you aren't.). SO start showing him something new. Leave him.

The night before I left my ex, he'd been threatening me he was going to put me in the emergency room... saying things like, "Nobody messes with me... You will not leave this house until I leave... you go when I go!!! You won't have nice things w/o me!"

As IF I wanted THINGS. All I wanted was PEACE, love and respect.

So what I did was I waited for him to leave to go to work in the morning, I packed all my things up and moved out practically right underneath his nose. He had the audacity to call the police on me saying I'd "stolen" from him. The cops laughed. Not just that, but he rang me over and over (after never ever calling me in the weeks before, to even find out if I was alive), threatening me "If you don't come home in 15 minutes, you are going to have serious problems. Come back here right now. You have 15 minutes...!"

I never went back.

You can do it, too. You just need to realize fo ryourself that you deserve a whole lot better than this bullsh!t.

He tries this once n other times binds me to him by saying how much he loves me, how lost he would be without me, can't I give another chance to him n all those nonsense. Just showers me with lots of love
Someone who loves you and feels they'd be lost without you wouldn't dare threaten your family, friends or say they are going to go to your work and humiliate you and embarass you in front of your colleagues. Someone who cares about you wouldn't put you down, degrade you, belittle you, and try to break down your spirit constantly. They would acknowledge your hurt feelings, not use your weaknesses against you. Someone who loves you would treat you lovingly, not as if you were an afterthought.

Ever see Sleeping with the Enemy?

Watch it. That guy also told his wife he loved her. Before he tried to kill her.

I'm just saying...



 
#31 ·
The slightest sign I show him that I've had enough, he threatens me. Threatens me to take my peace away from me. Its my mistake that I had shown him that I don't care about happiness also. all I want is little peace!! Is that too much to ask for? Well he is en-cashing that now. He tells me, not the cops or anybody can stop him from troubling me, He'd go to my parents n cause them trouble, would go to my work place n embarrass me there. If at all I make new friends, he would embarrass n trouble them too it seems.

He tries this once n other times binds me to him by saying how much he loves me, how lost he would be without me, can't I give another chance to him n all those nonsense. Just showers me with lots of love
 
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