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Giving my wife nude pictures of me.

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#1 · (Edited)
Many years ago I noticed that our marriage was boring and it was stressing me out. We did not have sex hardly at all. We were in our late 20's.

So I decided to be daring. I wrote my wife a note explaining that hey, I feel like we are being old farts, lets live and have some fun. Enclosed in the letter were some nude pics of me that I took with a camera with a self timer on a tripod.

I know this is going to come up in our marriage counseling session sooner or later.

She still brings this up time to time and how I am a disgusting perv.

Ladies how would have reacted to this?
 
#2 ·
Many years ago I noticed that our marriage was boring and it was stressing me out. We did not have sex hardly at all. We were in our late 20's.

So I decided to be daring. I wrote my wife a note explaining that hey, I feel like we are being old farts, lets live and have some fun. Enclosed in the letter were some nude pics of me that I took with a camera with a self timer on a tripod.

I know this is going to come up in our marriage counseling session sooner or later.

She still brings this up time to time and how I am a disgusting perv.

Ladies how would have reacted to this?
Well, I absolutely love it when my husband is being a disgusting perv so I would have smiled and enjoyed every picture. :smthumbup:
 
#3 ·
Dude,

The female body is a work of art.

The male body is just utilitarian, something you use to get around, like a jeep.

So. . .

Don't pass pics to your wife. . .read Nancy Friday's books (they are pop psychology all based on sexual fantasies and a lot of male sexual fantasies are based on the fact our moms/wives tell us to put "that thing" away, that it's ugly. ..thus enter exhibitionism, female domination, etc. . .).

You married mom.

See? You can skip the analysis on that part and just come to ol' Scannerguard.
 
#5 ·
Another thing is. She told me that she was so disgusted by the letter that she could not even read it. She could not get past the pictures. She told me that I needed to see a psychologist. But....

She hid that letter and pics for years in one of her clothes drawer even though she said that she threw it out. If she found it so disgusting why would she save it for so long?
 
#7 ·
Another thing is. She told me that she was so disgusted by the letter that she could not even read it. She could not get past the pictures. She told me that I needed to see a psychologist. But....

She hid that letter and pics for years in one of her clothes drawer even though she said that she threw it out. If she found it so disgusting why would she save it for so long?
I can only think of two reasons why she'd keep the letter and photos after telling you she threw them away. The first would be that she actually did like the photos but was too embarrassed to admit it. The second would be as ammo in future arguments or divorce. Only you know your wife well enough to determine which of those it could be.
 
#6 · (Edited)
Well, nudey pics wouldn't do much for me personally. But, I openly admit that I am not much of a visually titillated person - and luckily my H has that one figured out now. :)

If he had done this to me, I would likely have just smiled at him and said "you KNOW pics don't do it for me, but if you kiss my feet, it will". And I mean literally kissing my feet - I think I have a fetish for someone having a fetish for my feet - if that makes any sense. :)

I guess that's what it comes down to, though -getting to know your spouse and what they like/dislike. Maybe some chocolates or flowers or an unexpected night out would have lit your wife's fire more.

Although, crazyguy, it sounds like maybe your wife has some inhibitions/repressions (showing disgust at the pics), but maybe she doesn't want to (keeping them). I think there are likely a fair number of women who are in that kind of boat. Their chains of repression are very strong.

Best wishes.
 
#8 ·
I would only want pics of my hubby naked if he looked like a Greek god in them (that would take some photomanipulation!!) and then I would want 12 of them so I could do myself up a calendar and hang it up at work :D. Or maybe one that was good enough to hang up and frame in our bedroom.

But if he did do something like that it certainly wouldn't disgust me.

Years ago when I was hot I did my hubby a key chain of me in a sexy pose. He loved it and used it for years till it broke. He still even has it. They way I look now I wouldn't do anything like that tho. I'm too fat.
 
#10 ·
I feel confident about how I look, and my woman calls me her sexy man.

But I would never take naked pics of myself to give her. I would never think to do that. That just seems weird.

Having said that, her reaction to call you a "disgusting perv" was uncalled for and pretty mean if you ask me.

It's shaming language which is not cool.


If the genders were reversed here, most women would be very hurt if they got a negative reaction for taking naked pics for their husband.
 
#16 ·
Crazyguy.

I just have to say I can`t even imagine my wife ever saying she hoped I choked on my meal.

I also can`t imagine her ever calling me a disgusting perv unless in jest.
Or laughing at something important or painful to me.

These are pretty good indicators of how she feels towards you.
It`s not very nice.

Hell, my wife asks for pervy pics of me.
 
#22 ·
I applaud you on trying to do something. So, she's checked out and anything you do right now is somehow wrong or stupid because she does not respect you. She has the photo so she can make fun of you with one of her toxic friends. She may or may not show them the pictures, but she can tell them about it. Destroy the pictures.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#25 ·
I don't condone her bratty behavior by any means - please know this. I don't think anyone should be treated this way, especially within a marriage.

However I am curious as to what might ignite someone to respond with "I hope you choke on your food." She is very angry. Has she always been this way, or was there a turning point?
 
#31 ·
Correction: She says she doesn't remember an abuse.

The whole issue of repressed and recovered memories is controversial. My take on it is that someone who was abused will always have at least some memories. At least they will if they were over about age 4, when they definitely have memories. If she were abused she would always have some kind of knowledge or at least a vague recollection of "odd" things. A trigger later in life can bring it flooding back, and then the forgotten memories can come back. Having a child can trigger the memories, for example.

Many women think they have it under control, and they cope somewhat ok while in their teens and twenties. Then for some reason the problems crop up.

A common scenario is the teen who is sexually normal or promiscuous. She seems fine sexually. But when married the sex problems become very strong. She has trouble with intimate sex with a close person. It is frightening. So there is another diagnostic. If she was sexually normal or more, and then after the wedding (or near the wedding) she turned off the sex or turned off the wilder sex, it could be an indicator.

The only abnormal thing to me when I dated my wife in college was she never wore a bikini at the beach.

If your wife really does not have any memories of sexual abuse may not have been. There may have been physical violence abuse or verbal/emotional abuse. I know nothing about those topics.

The granny bathing suit is pretty diagnostic to me of some kind of childhood sex abuse of some sort. It doesn't have to be touching, it could be related to nudity.

Ultimately it does not matter to you or your marriage. I don't mean that in a cold way, just that it is not your concern until she is willing to deal with it. The most you can do is require she bring to the relationship whatever you need. If she is unable or unwilling, the root cause is irrelevant.

Even if you ask her point blank about abuse, she may deny it. My wife did so 3 separate times. Now she says she has always remembered everything, and has always known. She lied to protect me. :rolleyes:
 
#33 · (Edited)
OMG. :cussing: (not directed at you)

My wife came forward last July for the first time ever divulging that she had been molested as a young child. She told me nothing about the actual abuse, and only a couple of associated things. She told me a few of her latent issues and triggers.

There had been red flags for the previous 2+ years of her being in an affair. Divorce had been off the table for me and I was staying for the kids for the few previous years. But in July I reached the breaking point with a couple of closely spaced suspicious events.

I approached her with the talk of wanting to fix the marriage but it was broken too badly to do it ourselves. I wanted us to go to marriage therapy. She refused twice. My unspoken line in the sand was she go to therapy or I pulled the plug. Then she told me of the abuse. I twice again suggested therapy for us and she again refused.

So the way to bring it out of her was she, I believe, felt so desperate to deflect from the call for therapy that she had to pull out the only thing she could think of, which was the abuse. A sympathy play? A desperate attempt to forestall divorce? An attempt to deflect suspicions from an affair? Guilt? I don't know.

She has never opened up about it from there. She has made it a divorce level boundary that we never speak of it again after I brought it up in a marriage therapy session (with her prior approval).

The longer an abuse victim suppresses it, the harder it is for them to talk about it to anybody or for them to face it in therapy. We've been married 29+ years. She's kept it secret for over 40 years.

If you're asking how I got her to come out sexually, the answer is she hasn't.
 
#34 ·
I'm going to go further out on the limb here and suggest that her abuse is likely the root of her issues you see in your marriage. The light switch on sex is classic, btw. If she was abused by a family member, you as boyfriend just crossed over into the "family" category when you got married. So now you trigger her on the abuse every time you want sex!

Even if it wasn't a family member, there is a black and white difference in many abuse victim's minds between marriage sex and other sex. You as husband are very important to her, so she is terrified of your rejection. Sex is maybe seen as controlled by the husband, or at least the husband is dominant in sex. So it scares the bejebus out of her. Lots of other potential factors, too.

Sex in a non-marriage situation can put her in charge. So she is quite relaxed and capable of having sex before marriage or outside of the marriage. Abuse victims can be quite active and promiscuous before marriage and then become quite emotionally incapable of having sex with their husband after the wedding.

There are a lot of psych factors. Shame, fear, dissociation. She has trouble with a close emotional connection. She has low self esteem. She cannot accept gifts or compliments gracefully (she seems embarrassed by them). She cannot accept blame for any relationship or sex problems. That's a biggie. Huge. She may blameshift onto you because of the terror it strikes in her if she somehow is to blame for those problems.

Now you of course have been imperfect in your marriage. You own 50% of the blame. You can work on that. Your wife has to see and own her half. If her half is heavily caused by abuse, she will have to tackle the abuse head on with good therapy. It will be tough on her and tough on you.

Absent good therapy she isn't going to really change. You can't make her go to therapy. Ironically you cannot pressure her either. It will be counterproductive. If she needed some other kind of professional help, like a medical procedure, you could pressure her. But not for abuse. You can calmly ask her to think about it and state that you will support her in any way you can. You can express your love and concern, and your desire for her to be happy.

Aftersilence dot org has a good support forum for secondary survivors (loved ones of abuse/assault victims). You might wander in over there. There are some books, but the only one directed specifically at secondaries is "Haunted Marriage". It will help you understand her and what you are facing with her.

I hope there is no sexual abuse in her past. I hope my interweb diagnosis is wrong. Use your own judgment on whether she may be a victim and how to proceed.
 
#35 ·
Things are going well now. I have been here before. It will only last a week. Then it will be the same old. We have to get to the route of the problem. I think she gets nice to me so I think marriage counseling is not needed. But I am forcing the issue. Not stopping it like I did 6 years ago.

All this crap in my marriage has taken a toll on me. I thought she may have cheated. I was thinking about getting my son tested to make sure he is mine. The constant what the hell going on will do that to you. There was a point were I realized how much I hated myself for what I became. Thoughts of cheating and what not.

Stay the course for now. Perhaps divorce will be the only way she will face what needs done. Not where I want to go but this is so dysfunctional for me and my son.

Thanks
 
#36 ·
CrazyGuy, you are not alone! I have personally talked to a number of men, and have had internet conversations with many other men and some women, who have gone through exactly what you describe.

It doesn't help you solve your issues, but at least you can know you aren't crazy.
 
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