Desert-Rose said on't try to change him, try to understand him and try to get him to understand you....then, you guys will be able to find a way to address some of your problems. You guys need a lot more communication. And counseling (individual or marital) would be a good idea for you both. Don't be so set in your ways that you can't compromise.
I so agree with this ^^^ ! First of all, welcome to this forum Random Dudes wife. I have been following his story for some time now and personally I am thrilled you are here !!
I know it was breaking a promise on your behalf.... but hey.....if THIS can finally BREAK down the walls of communication that has been binding you both (mostly him), then it has the potential to destroy it all (let's not allow that to happen)....or lead to higher ground, a place that needed to be Ventured.
Do not be afraid to read his words, I know he feels sickenly INVADED, but please be careful.... be open minded, he jokes alot here, says things off the cuff,
but if you look very closely, his love shines for you, even in frustration at times. Please show him GRACE in how you interpret what he says , the harder posts, he needs to feel understood, we all do. We all speak out of frustration , being able to look to the roots, understand it , even forgive the harder things.... this is lifegiving...marriage building.
Even though you FEEL 'Unloved", I feel you picked the wrong name .... I have personally been awe inspired many times by the THINGS your husband has said about you on this very forum.... how strong you are, calling you an Angel, no woman has EVER done to him what you was able to do, to break him down....I NEVER questioned his love for YOU, it was more of a struggling to "let go" ...allow a vulnerability to show
with you.....he fights that more than anything in this life because of his excruciating hurt in his past.... and come on, you can admit it....you can be a handful at times!
I must confess, I have often felt
for you and your plight... I can relate to you in many ways.... I can be a demanding aggressive woman when I want something (wanted sex 3 times a day for a time too), what has saved me in my marriage ...is I am married to a very giving emotionally romantic "no cave time necessary" man. If he was a bad boy fighting me at every turn, I'd probably want to take his head right off and tie him up too!
Drama Kings issues.... that you will read about here....
1.
SEX ... He likes to be teased, he doesn't like it too easy, I think this is true of MOST men ... He is into a little "chase" on his part, when you give him a little taste, then hold back, and make him pant for it, this is what he is looking for, what arouses him and turns his buttons, drives him C-R-A-Z-Y infact....I guess you was a master at this in the beginning. I do believe though, once he opens up more emotionally to you & doesn't feel nautious...you and him could reach new heights of not needing this "teasing game"....so in due time.....
2.
Your Religious differences has caused some REAL division. I am someone who used to be a Christian who has lost my faith, I can very much relate to RD in how he feels here. But yes, still much much wisdom in that Bible -if you take it all with an open mind, even HE agrees with that . He has even admitted your beliefs have HELPED him! Never fall into fundamentalist thinking tough, it destroys what was once beautiful.
3.
A man generally NEEDS his "Cave time". This is the norm.... women are just different .... I am sure you have heard of that book "Men are from Mars, women from Vesus"... typically very true. Yeah, it does SUCK! I think you would die & go to heaven if you had my husband, he never needs it , but he is a rare bird, also more on the passive nice guy scale......but you married the rough & tough Bad Boy type --- which I am very sure was much of the Allure in the beginning- I bet he was quite the challenge even- but you broke him down... So now you & him are facing dealing with these very vulnerable issues that come more difficult ....for his type & considering his shattering upbringing.
I once compared your relationship to Pink & her husband Cory Hart...with all the tumultous ups & downs ....they love each other to death but can't stand each other at the same time, they are both aggressive souls, very passionate, but have their issues. A "can't live with each other, but can't live without each other either" type of relationship...
4. And the whole "
his People" thing, feeling guilt over this. I don't know , he has a hang up here that many of us can not understand or comprehend. He feels he is very alone in this. Though you have tried, he has said so.
HE freely admits he has issues with
vulnerability .... He said he
admires it in others...which tells us all.... as sick as he may feel when going there- with all the "lovey doveys" ....it is something he would like to overcome, God he hates to speak it outright -Like pulling his teeth out, he would rather make a joke/swear, say F it, grab a beer & sink into his cave ! One thing I LOVE about your husband is how openly HONEST he is Here ,even to the point of making himself look like an Ass. Always hope for someone like that .
Listen to your husbands own words here >>>
In truth I admire people who don't have my problems, who aren't cold, who are open and trusting and loving. When I met my wife we were both "alpha", over time she became more "beta" and I began to admire her in a different way yet despise it because my mentality considers such vulnerability weak and dependent
I want to tell you Unloved (you need to change this name) ... me & many women here, especially Trenton as she has expressed on his threads to help him.....we can RELATE totally
to you in these things, we KNOW How damn important that is in a marraige -- She found the most awe inspiring video, then I did a thread around the issue.... Video ink in 1st line :
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
...which I have shared with your Husband in the past, he knows this is TRUTH, but his perception of how men are supposed to act, BE....he has not gotten there yet. He needs a "mindset change" I believe. He is just struggling with it BIG TIME , likely so much more than many because of his childhood. If anyone understands... it IS YOU. It sounds to me, you have been VERY patient with him, loving him every step of the way, you just get frustrated , as many of us would, it hurts to be pushed away time & time again.
There needs to come a healthy balance between the 2 of you ...out of all of this. Sometimes we are too needy and sometimes we are too closed cause we need to trust more so. It is what you need to figure out here.
I want you to look upon some of the things he has said
about you, so you can KNOW that he is even INSPIRED by you, the love is there... so much more like this "buried" in other threads, but this is the little I found in my 1st couple minutes of looking this morning...
....His words ...
When I first met my wife I had never respected, loved or admired anyone more. I literally couldn't believe she could exist; she just blew my mind away.
...
I was never a man who believed in putting my faith in anything however, except with her. Except for that one time, since coming back to her, I kept with her, because the first impression my wife gave me was too incredible to let it get lost (again). My wife may have still changed, but every time that angel in her comes out is worth the hundred times the devil comes out instead.
He was talking to a man whose wife was getting "too fundamental in her religious thinking...he was speaking about his own experience with you...
So keep who she was in memory, keep that beautiful Christian woman in your mind who was not only tolerant, but when her faith made her only stronger, loving, respectable and admirable. It may help, as it sure is helping me, and maybe in the future, once you two overcome it -> you two will only become stronger, and she will be even more amazing then you had thought possible.
More words about you ...
She walked an anointed path so to speak. I still remember one Muslim friend of hers telling my wife back in her awe-inspiring days that she wants to convert to Christianity and go up to the altar and give her life to Christ.
My wife shockingly did not encourage it, but instead told her that she shouldn't do it for the church nor is giving her life to Christ a religious act that can only be achieved through the altar, it's between her and Christ. I was going to my wife at the time "WTF?! Isn't that what you want?" But my wife informed me that Christianity shouldn't be turned into a religious fest of 'pharisees' but a true relationship between one and God. She was a shocker really, accepting and tolerant of other beliefs, yet she converted people - without using fear, without using guilt, using only love.
She got condemned by her own church many times especially when she refuses to ask for offerings quoting the bible, but they kinda shut up when she recieved offerings from people anyway without even the need to ask; people from all walks of life wanted to support her and her message - even I. You can understand how painful it was to see that change as she got submerged into her religion and to watch them break her. Was like an aura fading too... thankfully she's getting her wisdom back slowly
Your husband thinks very very highly of you, calls you an ANGEL.
If nothing else, I know the Drama King is committed to the Ball & Chain...