Well, I caught DH texting and calling an ex-lover. I made him call and break it off while I listened. She was angry, of course. She said that he had been lying to her for 7 years (DH and I have only been married 2 1/2 years). She said he'd been lying to her, me, and his kids. She spoke kindly to me, and told me she was sorry all of this had happened. Well, after they hung up
DH told me that they had just been texting and calling since we got married, and not having sex (yeah, right.)
So...guess what I did....I texted the other woman myself. I know that I probably shouldn't have done that, but it was a real eye opener. We did not slam each other, we were courteous to each other. She opened my eyes to a lot of things. Asked me to forgive her, and said she could finally let him go. She said that God must have meant for it to happen this way, so could get her life back. She sounded very sincere. Do you think I can believe what she said?
Avoid the temptation to listen to your husbands false words. Change is very difficult for a person like him and words will not make that happen.
If he will change, let him do it on his own. The catalyst for change may come about when you leave and you find new love. He needs to feel loss and live the empty consequences of his dissipated deceptive life.
If he takes up with the other woman, feel sorry for them not hurt. They are both deceptive and one will cheat on the other and the relationship will end.
He may cast about frantically for the next woman. He may even try to come back to you with an unhappy story. Don't stand in the way of his need to feel sorrow by rescuing him.
You may pray that your husband changes and you stay with him. But God can't make him change. If you stay with your husband out of fear of being alone, God cannot help you.
First because your husband has a God-given free will to live a dissipated loveless life.
Second staying with him will endanger your emotional and physical health (STDs). He cannot not protect you from these dangers and give your husband free-will at the same time.
You face the challenge that we all face at one time or another in our lives. A test of our faith. In order to embrace the help and new beginning God has in store for you, you have to step out into the abyss.
Take His hand like the apostle Peter did in the parable of the stormy sea. Is there any better demonstration of your faith than that?
When you succeed in doing what seems impossible to you now, you can witness for Him and help other souls in times of trouble.
Dear friends,
I am feeling very weak today. I cried most of the night, and woke up with a headache. I cannot concentrate at work today. I love DH so much, and almost feel like saying "let's work this out."
And then....I can picture him being with the Other Woman just 2 weeks ago...ugh. Why am I feeling this way? I don't hate him at all, I feel compassion and sorrow for him.....but I know the marriage has to be over.
Please keep me in your prayers. This is just so sad.
Zoey
Your compassion for him does nothing to help him or to protect you. In fact I think your feelings are foolish because they are waisted on a man who neither needs or values them.
You are casting your pearl among the swine.
How can you love a man who has been false, deceptive and does not love you? You love a fantasy and not this man. You are addicted to a fantasy.
It is easy for me say these things. If I were in your place, I think I would be as confused and desire R. I think that is why you need to consider taking strength from cooler heads.
From reading many post and histories of cheaters like your husband, they don't feel and they don't stop. It is sorrow for being found out not for cheating.
He will cheat again and again and if you stay, you will end up not liking yourself unfortunately.
Don't waiver. Take the pain in one gulp and get it over with. Dont expose yourself to years of pain. '
You said that this was no marriage at all (referring to length of cheating and length of marriage). You hit the nail on the head. You were scammed. He targeted you because you are a moral, logical person, willing to make sacrifices to your own needs and wants for the love of another person under the sacrament of marriage. Because of this, he made a target of you.
He used you as a home base and also to camoflauge himself. It is hard for the creepy loner guy to get dates. Don't even try to reconcile or seek counseling for this marriage. In addition to a divorce attorney, you need someone who specializes in fraud and property law. He has likely scammed other women, and there are these other women you can have subpoena'd to make statements.
First thing to do, have him removed from the house. Second lock down your assets as best you can. And the paperwork. Lock up all the paperwork trails, access to electronic bank statements, etc. What you will want to do is to document your earnings and asset history as well as your expenses (and his) during the marriage, and what his financial life looked like prior to marriage.
You could probably have the marriage declared as fraudulent, which would not give him the normal assets that someone obtains in a joint property state. In any case, the marriage hasn't been going on long enough for him to have much stake, but try to stick him with some debt if you can, by documenting what he might have spent of your money on other women, these trips he went on, etc.
My story basically same as yours. Scammed in order to be a front for a player. A guy with a nice wife who 'doesn't put out' or 'has mental problems' or 'is too into her work or hobbies' (that she's using because he's ignoring her...) is so much more attractive to other women with 'rescue syndrome'. They feel competitive and sorry for him, and this is how it works. Nice guy, providing for a wife, but soooooo underappreciated.
Homemaker...wow! That's it! He is a player! I was a nice wife for him....I didn't think about him using that to get other women! Nice guy, providing for a wife, so unappreciated!!! Oh my goodness!!! I think he thrives on the attention, and I think keeping secrets is a thrill for him!
Yes, he's got orders to leave the house asap. He looked at apartments today. I met with an attorney today...so I will keep you all posted. Thanks for all the comments/advice/help....I can use it all....
Homemaker you are a gem. I would never have thought of that but it makes sense. The OW was part of the plan I bet. OW was probably not so interested in him so he set up a little competition by getting married. She fell for it.
What a creep. Good advice Zoe. Get your ducks lined up and drop feeling sorry for him. He is a snake in the grass, get him out now. He can stay in a hotel till he finds a place.
Too risky to keep him in your house. Give him zero consideration, he does not see you as a person treat him like nothing.
Please do that - teach him a lesson - you are not stupid and he is way off his game. He is getting what he deserves.
I bet the OW decides to stay with her husband and kids and leave him in the dust.
I believe with salvaging any marriage that has a chance, and usually it is advised to wait a few months before starting any huge life descision (after such a blow);
But you have no common children,
Have a short term marriage,
Are not dependant on him for anything crutial to your survival.
.............hmmm.
I think the cards are laid out on the table. There are some very good websites/books out there that will help you understand what you are going through.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Thank you all so much for the wonderful answers. My blood work came back fine, and now I am having him go to get tested for STDs. I spoke with the elders at my church and they are encouraging me to at least go to a session or 2 of counselling....argh! That will just give him false hope. Any Christian counselor is going to try to do everything they can to help you save your marriage. I am not willing to do any work towards it. I know that sounds cold, but DH has lied his way all through the marriage. And to think of all the women he has shacked up with since his previous marriage makes me sick. He told me he dated 1 woman. As it turns out, he lived with 2, both in the same house he brought me to when I married him. I asked him why he didn't tell me about them, and he said "so I could have a fresh start". I am waiting for him to get his apt. !!! I do not want to sound heartless, but I am so anxious to get him out, so I can heal and move on. I have my 3 grown kids nearby, my parents, my siblings. I have decided I will be ok living alone. It will be a relief.
Thanks to all of you wonderful people.
Doc Holliday, can you recommend any of those books or websites?
Blessings!
Surviving an Affair is a good book (know that surviving mean YOU survived).
The website has some pretty self-satified crones posting, (know it alls) they can be very blunt, I know people who will not post there because of it, but as a betrayed spouse you will get a lot of support.
They also have a divorce/divorcing section.
Thing is, all waywards MUST have the same songbook. It is incredible how many times the same M.O. comes up over and again.
These people really do have a good heart, they will help you make a plan and walk a straight line, and give you hope for your personal recovery.
edit: Oh, I am sorry, it is Marriage Builders. Dr. W. Harley
Brief summary of my story: WH and I married after 6 years of dating. After a year of marriage, I found out he'd been cheating the whole time with his ex (and been while we were dating, too) and she's married to someone else with a kid! I also found a number of casual encounters with others. I was devastated because I love him. Nearly five moths later....no remorse! However, he's mad as hell that his secrets have come to the surface and his life is right there in front of him. I told him to face reality and make some changes and then come talk to me. Now, I'm staying dark.
You're doing the right thing. Be strong. Don't keep him from feeling the sorrow he needs to consider changing as a person. Don't subject yourself to pain at his hands. He didn't just do this to you, he cheated on his ex with this same OW, you said...so this isn't a one time thing. He's going to keep doing it unless he learns that there are consequences, such as losing a good woman. The OW is probably lying just to stay on your good side so you won't expose to her H, but you should expose to her H, too. My WH's APs lied right to my face in this way....pretended to be stepping away when in fact, it made them more active in their pursuit -- scavengers and vermin and imbeciles, they are. And my WH was just "rescuing damsels in distress", didn't even have the decency to admit his own stupidity. We've been separated for nearly five months. Doesn't look good for us because he is not showing any remorse or respect, though he claims he has stopped talking to OWs, I don't believe him.
I'm not trying to hijack your thread, just trying to show you that you are definitely not alone in feeling this way.
Be strong. Stay firm. You've filed. Now, let him learn his lesson while you heal....otherwise, you will lose all respect in his eyes and this will be worse the next time. He does not deserve your sympathy or a second chance (because this isn't the first time this has happened to him and he didn't change). He brought this onto himself.
Wh has been very remorseful, as opposed to my first WH. Current WH is about to lose a good thing...(not bragging), after all the undesirables he's been with, and keeps going back to. As far as I know his OW is not married. Hopefully, she will be able to move on. I am feeling free-er each day, not grieving as I was with my first WH with whom I was married 20 years, and had my 3 children with. I was desperate to save that marriage so I could keep my family intact. Now, I have no such history to make me want to work on the marriage. He is a serial cheater. You are all right that I should not give him the time of day. I do hope he will get help (without me), so that he can turn his life around. I am not feeling the compassion and sympathy that I first felt. I am getting madder and madder. On a lighter note, I praise God that all of my blood work came back normal, and for that I am thankful. Just think of all the people I exposed myself to by sleeping with someone who had slept with others, who had in turn slept with others, who had also slept with others. Mind boggling. I will no longer subject myself to this. I am working on getting him out of the house. He is currently working with a guy from my church, and I don't believe my friend from church will keep him on. He will probably move out of state with his dad, or move in with his daughter, who lives in another city. I live in a small town, and I just don't want to even have to deal with him being that close.
I am just so ready for him to get out. Most women would have already kicked him to the curb. I am trying to wait for him to get his "stuff" together. Besides, he is going to pay all of our February bills. I will be able to make it on my own...I have been a teacher for 25 years, and I make a decent salary. 2 of my kids are married, and I have 1 still in college.
Desert Rose...sorry about what happened to you..that your WH had no remorse. What is going to happen now?
Not sure about Texas, but without children, uncontested, filing yourself, getting your STBXH to sign the document, it should be a few hundred. I did one 2 years ago, we had property together, but agreed on the division of all assets/debts, and it was like $250, plus filing fees of $140, I think it was.
I dated a guy for 6 months and found out that he had been with someone else for 5 and a half months. Not only that but he had been with this girl for 5 years. He started dating me on one of their "breaks" I found out. Let her now and we waited for him to get home from work. We left together after confronting him. I left him because I realized that it was all a lie. Where he was, who he was. This person that I had gotten to know was all of a sudden a stranger to me. 3 months later, I found the guy I am now dating and he's amazing. Not too long ago I saw the ex with that same girl eating together at my restaurant. Why she got back with him, I don't know. But if I were her I would never be able to trust him again Posted via Mobile Device
I'm sorry to hear that, Mile High. These people fabricate themselves and they are almost like a fictional person. I do believe it's best to move on. I have already visited with an attorney, and am ready to move on. If he goes back to the OW, then I will just feel sorry for the OW>
I could have written this post myself...except I'm fighting for my marriage and to be honest, I'm not sure why when I read these posts because I am not sure I believe he can or will change. I do not have bio children with him, but we do have 3 sons between us and his sons live with us 3+ days a week - so I feel like they are mine. I don't want to make a rash decision to leave and I don't want to hurt the kids.
I wish I had the strength to do what you did - just kick him out. I just don't want to give up, even though I'm bracing for disappointment from him. I worry, constantly, and that's no way to live. I'm hoping that in 90 days I'll have a better handle on my feelings and where I want to be.
I'm praying for you Zoe. I wish you nothing but the best.
Thank you, Broken Hearted. I am so sad for you too. I have not kicked mine to the curb yet, as he has nowhere to go. We had just moved here a few months ago. He is going to have to find a job in his hometown, or go live with his dad. He has 2 weeks to get out.
I feel sorry for him, but I can't have this toxic relationship in my life. I am moving on. I pray for God's blessings in this.
I wish you the very best also. It sounds like your kids are younger, right? Ours are all grown and out of the house. We have just a 2 1/2 year history, of which he has been seeing another woman for over half of this time. I just can't live with it anymore.
Please let me know how you are doing. I can tell you are really hurting.
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