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DH cheated...I talked with other woman

7K views 55 replies 19 participants last post by  zoeyshope 
#1 ·
Well, I caught DH texting and calling an ex-lover. I made him call and break it off while I listened. She was angry, of course. She said that he had been lying to her for 7 years (DH and I have only been married 2 1/2 years). She said he'd been lying to her, me, and his kids. She spoke kindly to me, and told me she was sorry all of this had happened. Well, after they hung up
DH told me that they had just been texting and calling since we got married, and not having sex (yeah, right.)
So...guess what I did....I texted the other woman myself. I know that I probably shouldn't have done that, but it was a real eye opener. We did not slam each other, we were courteous to each other. She opened my eyes to a lot of things. Asked me to forgive her, and said she could finally let him go. She said that God must have meant for it to happen this way, so could get her life back. She sounded very sincere. Do you think I can believe what she said?
 
#6 · (Edited)
Don't believe what she or he says. She knew he was married for years and yet she tried to get him to leave you and his children, that is what she meant about his lies. How does a women who has been trying to destroy you suddenly care so much about you?

Answer she doesn't. In fact, I think it was an act to impress her lover that she is a good caring woman because she is nice to her rival. You forget, you are dealing with two dishonest people with our the moral fortitude to do what is right.

I don't think it is over and given the level of deception for the entirety of your marriage I don't think it bodes well. Is this the way you want to live? He is not who you thought you married.

Are you willing to let him go if the affair does not stop or if he has other affairs? He has been with this woman for a long time and it is she who he wants. Let them have each other full time.

I think you will be glad you did when you are in a relationship with a good honest man who returns your live. Watch these two crash and burn from a new and happy place. That will be their reward.

Please consider carefully, what you do now will determine the years ahead. Years from now you will regret you decision to stay. Or you can make a fresh start while you are still young and can recover emotionally from this experience.

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#10 ·
When in a snake pit, expect to experience fangs.
7 years! Lying for 2 1/2 years.
It's not really recommended to go to marriage counseling with someone like this. Individual therapy for you is much better.
You can read my story if you like.
But someone who would lie to you for 2 1/2 years and also lie to someone else for that long, is probably not someone who could ever be brought around to putting your best interests in a relationship on an equal status with his own.
Does this OW have a husband? What's been his experience?
Are there yet other women?
What is his relationship history?

What the other posters say is true.
 
#11 ·
No you can't completely believe her. You already know she's the kind of woman to have a long term affair with a married guy, so not the best of character references for her.

That doesn't mean he isn't guilty, just that she's not bring fully truthful with you.
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#12 ·
Thank you ALL for the replies. I found out he lived with 2 other women before me, at least. Yes, I'm not sure I do want to go to counseling with him. I feel like he will lie all the way through it. Homemaker numero uno, I'd love to hear your story if you'd like to PM me. I also feel there is no foundation to build on. Whether he goes back to this other woman or not does not matter....I think what matters is that he's been lying for our entire marriage. He took several out of town trips that I thought were for business, he has been calling and texting the other woman for a year and a half for sure. That is as far back as I can go on the phone records. We have only been married 2 1/2 years. I just don't know where to go from here. Should I ask him to leave immmediately? I think I will talk with the elders of my church first. Thank you all for your advice and kind words, and I would love to hear more of what you might have to say.
 
#15 ·
We live in MY house. I hope that doesn't mean that because of community property in TX that he will able to get half of it. The mortgage company actually owns it. We really have no assets, just a few bills, and no children.

Please pray for me to find the strength to ask him to leave. I feel bad that he will have no place to stay....:( I worry too much about that stuff. I am just weary of the whole thing and just want it to be over. I looked through some of his papers while he was gone. I found his old divorce papers, and a written note that he confessed that he had given gifts to another woman. Ugh
 
#16 ·
He cheated and is probably still cheating. I'm sure he'll have somewhere to stay. I hate to be blunt like that but stop worrying about him. Worry about your and your sanity.

You just found papers about gifts for another woman. For god sake, get your big girl panties, put them on and...

Kick his butt out.
 
#21 ·
I assume you bought the house before you married. Is this right?

The house is yours. HOwever, any equity that accrued while you were married to him could be 50% his. You would have to buy him out of his portion.
 
#18 · (Edited)
Did you have the house before you married? If so it is not part of comunity property. I would make sure that you know what his financial situation is before making a move.

If he has a job and travels does he have out of town bank account? What about the amount of money he has spent pusuing thios wopman. If he paid for trips to meet her that is use of marital assets.

Although you live in a no fault community property state, the judge has a considerable amount of desecration when it comes to splitting the property.

If he has been cheating throughout the marriage, has spent time and money on the the OW that has a bearing on the spilt.

Don't throw him out until you get evidence about the finances. Do your homework and plan. The house is yours but he has a right to live there because it is his home. You can ask him to leave.

Start the divorce so that you get him out ASAP. Why are you concerned about someone who cares so little for yopu?

Going to a paster? He will tell you to work on it. You know that and that may be why you will go. But it is fruitless. If you are a believer then go to the bible.

The marriage was never true and he was cheating. A kind and loving God is suffering along with you. He is asking you to put yourself in his hands and be brave.

He is asking you to go directly to Him with your troubles. Trust Him to deliver on his promise.

"Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done." Matthew 12:21

"And he said, Come. And when Peter came down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" Matthew 14 29:31
 
#19 ·
Yea. My friend was being abused by her husband and their pastor said to reconcile :eek: Is he HIGH?

She asked the people at the church to stop praying for reconciliation but to pray for a smooth transition through the divorce for her and the kids.and for her husband to get serious help.
 
#20 ·
Here's the latest:
After church today over lunch I contronted him. I prayed for strength, and was able to get through it. I told him that I knew he had been cheating for 1 1/2 out of our 2 1/2 year marriage. I also told him that I knew about him living with the 2 other (or however many) women before we married. I told him about the divorce decree I found that documented he had written checks out of a joint account to another woman as gifts. He broke the vows less than 1 year out of our marriage to go back to a woman that he had cheated with during his other marriage. I said I didn't see any way that this could work for us. Really, it was never a marriage at all. There was too much hurt for me to continue. I was not angry, I did not yell. He cried and was very hurt and asked me to give him a chance and forgive him. He is in shock, I think, that I would be this firm.
I am sad, I am hurt, I am scared, I am so many things right now, along with feeling sorry for him. He looked so pitiful.....:(
 
#23 ·
Thank you, Ele Girl! Yes, the house was mine before we married. I have owned it for 4 1/2 years. There is very little equity I think...I will have to check. Other than that, we each have our own car note and insurance. I have him on my health insurance, so I need to consider that. We each have a credit card or 2 in our own names, so that should be no problem. I guess we will have to file our 2011 taxes together? My biggest worry right now is how to finish paying for my daughter's spring semester in college. Between DH income and mine, we do not qualify for school loans. By myself, I would qualify for a lot (for my daughter).

It was a very draining thing to do today.
 
#24 ·
Looks like splitting your finance is a no brainer. With the current housing market your house probably has not gained any equity in the last few years so there is probably nothing to split there.

It would be wise to file 2011 taxes together. If you did not you both would have to file married by seperate, the tax rate for that is higher than filing single... a LOT higher.

As soon as you seperate and/or file for divorce file a FAFSA for financial aid for your daughter. Talk to her school about how you file the data for a change of circumstances since you were married and living together last year and will not be this year. This makes filing for divorce ASAP pretty important.
 
#30 ·
Stay strong! I think it's wonderful that you realize how damaging your husband to your relationship and life. I wish I was as strong as you and left my husband when I first found out he was an abuser. Unfortunately, I fell for his "tears and sadness" lies.
Kudos to you or being strong!!
 
#35 ·
easy for me to say but stay strong.
sounds like youre doing the right thing.
make sure you do check with someone who knows about taxes to see what youre choices are for sure.
catherine602 is one of the true caring and helpful god sends here.
she has also helped me quite a bit.

dont fall for his stories and making you feel bad for him.
be STRONG.
good luck to you.
 
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