DameEdna

That's what I seem to have for my hubby of 22+ years Most of the time I enjoy his company and we do stuff together and our sex life is not bad. Then other times I really find him irritating and dislike him a lot. Is this normal? Why am I feeling like this?

Nix

I guess it depends on whether you are talking about occasional irritation or TRULY feeling like you hate him.

I would say irritation is normal. Feeling hatred for your spouse is not. I would go so far as to say that disliking your spouse is a red flag, depending on what it is. For example, disliking that your husband is not as neat as you would prefer is one thing. Disliking that his values and beliefs are totally different from yours is quite another.

Riverside MFT

Sounds like life to me. Spouses are often in different states of mind, dealing with different circumstances, and struggling with personal trials. Making a marriage work means being committed to each other through the ups and downs. When things are going well, make the most of them. When things are not going so well, be patient and know that it will pass.

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Brian, Marriage Counselor
My Counseling Webpage (for California Residents)
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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

My friends and coworkers and my kids and I are like that. It's normal when you're sharing intimate space with someone. My friends and I are so tight, we camp together with our kids (our kids have disagreements too, and sometimes 'hate' each other), and even extended family and invite other friends (for briefer visits, like an evening or a day). We do get irritated with each other and sometimes it rains and everyone gets a little stressed but we always work through it. I have been known to take all of the laundry and go to the laundromat, that makes everyone feel great, including me. I love doing laundry and I like the white noise at the laundromat. My friend who works full time is more than happy to have laundry done for her while on vacation. I get up and make the coffee too, and my friend's friend wants his coffee warm, so I boil hot water and warm his cup up, and then I make a show of it, being so co-dependent LOL. At work, stuff gets hashed out pretty quickly because it's entertainment business, people come to escape, not to get workplace drama with their popcorn :-o But we have a lot of people crammed into a tight space with many staff changes at the higher level. People just talk and focus on what it is we do well together and the mission and work out stuff that is workable, or chalk it up to stuff out of our control.

If people weren't sharing, or trying to have their fill of the space or displaying their natural and usually loveable personalities and gifts/talents, (i.e. living their life but instead making too many accommodations for you whether you wanted them or not), you wouldn't have any conflicting feelings. And THAT would be abnormal.

If you mean emotionally healthy...then, yes, how you handle the irritations and feelings, as a couple (or in my case group/friends/family) is what defines normal. Abnormal could present as total avoidance/checking out/dissociation/addictions or on the other end of the scale, psychotic murder without much warning.

I think people often make the mistake of thinking that if they feel irritated by someone, then something is inherently wrong or un-Christian or unGodly about them, that we 'need' to be more generous. You can be more generous by your consideration, without being overly generous with your own emotions. There's a difference. It's likely your husband already knows this, not like he read a book, but some families are much better at living this and teaching it thus, than others.

It's easy to overcome, for instance one night my kids were really keen to go out, I was not. I explained to them I was feeling dumpy and after fixing my wild hair and getting dressed up a bit, they could help me out by trying to behave at the restaurant. Because I was more prone to irritation than normal. Of course, they forgot a bit but I was able to remind them, and together we got on a course of having a nice evening out. The food was not really all that great, so all of us admitting how we were feeling (antsy, hungry, dumpy, irritable, touchy, needy, bored...) helped. We all agreed after we were glad that we went out. Being honest about negative feelings doesn't mean there's someone to blame, it's just a factor of being human and sharing space with others, all of whom have different needs.

2nd_t!me iz_best

does it seem to be at the same time every month?

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Why not suggest keeping a diary of what the issues are to see if any pattern emerges? Maybe he does the shopping every once in a while and switches up the brand of coffee and it makes her jumpy when he chooses the espresso (or makes it strong).

I always get a knee-jerk reaction when a woman has issues and it's PMS first thing as an explanation. Or when a kid can't potty train even at age 7 and it just must be mommy's nuts instead of needing spinal cord surgery.

2nd_t!me iz_best

thats always our out, it CANT be our fault as men

AFEH

You might want to see if resentment is playing a role in this. Resentment - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Resentment (also called ranklement or bitterness) is the experience of a negative emotion (anger or hatred, for instance)[1] felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done. Etymologically, the word originates from French "ressentir", re-, intensive prefix, and sentir "to feel"; from the Latin "sentire". The English word has become synonymous with anger, spite, and bitterness.


So if you feel you have been done wrong in the past by your H then you may well hate him for that wrong doing. But at the same time you love him for the man he is and what he brings to you as your husband.

So it’s very possible you are angry with and hateful of your husband for things from the past while at the same time still love him in the present.

The seriously big problem is that you are letting things that happened in the past dominate and massively influence your feelings and behaviour in the present day.

When everything else is equal (no affairs, no money problems etc. etc.) it is this sort of behaviour that eventually brings a long term marriage down. It is absolutely classical and exceedingly predictable.

What happens over time is the anger (and it’s a passive anger which is quite deadly and exceedingly toxic in love and marriage) and hatred puts into deep shade, sometimes total darkness, the love and goodwill that is actually there in the marriage and that love and goodwill eventually dies because it is no longer being nurtured, tended to and cared for.

I believe you are at a really critical stage in your marriage. In that you are slowly but surely turning off your love for your husband. And that one day he will wake up to that and things will accelerate exceptionally quickly.

But I also think your question is exceedingly wise and self aware and your search for help even wiser.

If I were you I’d get you both on something like Alpha Marriage Course | Emmanuel Methodist Church. And then I think you will find that the love between the two of you will blossom and grow and become deeper and broader instead of shrivelling up and eventually dying.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

What AFEH says is true, and that's why it's important to be aware of how to express current feelings, and not to bury them but to take care of them when they happen. There are huge benefits to doing this.

You can't change the past, so there's no use living in it.
One thing about forgiveness, is that it does separate past hurts from current perspective. Once you are really dealing with a clean slate with someone, and you can deal with emotions and hurts *as they occur*, then you can have a much better knowledge of whether a relationship is tenable, or abusive.

In therapy, I came to understand that in my relationship, always when I was feeling upset about something, I had talked about how I was feeling. In all cases, my feelings were dismissed and I gave in to how my husband wanted to frame things, I decided to be the 'giver' and give him benefit of doubt, I allowed myself to be gaslighted, taken in by his stories and so forth. If you have issues and you don't talk to your H about them, you'll never find out how he might respond. You'll be in the dark about why you feel that way. I have the memory of sticking up for my feelings, and also the memory of having them dismissed. But if you stay silent, you have only confusion.

AFEH

I had a very big clear out of my resentment in my early 50s. It was mid life time and I looked back to see where I’d come from and where I was headed if I stayed on the same course.

Looking back I saw that while most of the time I’d forgiven people their offences against me and moved on I still had some resentment inside of me. Even for my father who was by no means a bad man. I saw this because I came to realise that just like him I got things wrong with my sons that was by no means deliberate or intentional. Resentment really is hatred and anger held deep inside for another person so I went to my father’s grave and forgave him.

Then I wrote down every single grudge/resentment I held against any person I knew and went into churches and through a process of forgiveness I’d developed. It was one of the most soulful and spiritual things I’ve ever done.

It’s taking me a heck of a long time to rid myself of my resentment against my wife. I think it’s hanging on so long to keep me from opening up any dialogue with her because I know that will only cause me yet more pain.

I think women are more able to both love and hate a man at the same time and carry on living with him. I think it something that’s in the feminine. It is something that as a man I am totally and utterly incapable of doing, I think that’s something that’s in the masculine.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well...tongue in cheek here of course...
but women gets lots of practice when they are legitimately upset or concerned about something at work, having to 'get over' other people (usually men) blaming it on PMS. Aggressiveness is prized in the work place, but if a woman does it, she is 'manly' or PMSing. If we harbored grudges, we wouldn't be able to work.


I was reflecting today on women in publishing and women's suffrage and women in the work place and divorce laws and right to travel, to have a bank account in one's own name...all of which are fairly recent developments in history, at least in our culture or where it evolved from.

I think the OP was talking about irritation, which is normal.
Grudges and deep seated hatred are very serious issues, and can harm the person who harbors them. It's always to one's advantage to find the silver lining and to claim ownership of one's suffering, even when another can be handily blamed.

DocHoliday

I have been married 24 years. I have the same issue. We had a very "smooth" first 20 - (yeah, it was not all flowers, but it was a working life)
Then all hell hit the fan. (For whatever reashons... IDK)
We have been trying to recover a life together and healthy marriage, but at times I hate what he has done, (and I am sure he hates what I do.)

Ignore comments from people who say "you can/should never hate." Stay away from any advice that tells you what you should/can feel. Those people probably never married long.

I think "hate" can be normal, or a normal reaction to certain actions... but not the way you want to life your life.

What do you want to do about it?

DameEdna

Sorry I've not got back on here to read the lovely replies you have written for me. A couple of things have caught my attention.....

AFEH. You have hit the nail on the head when you say I have been done wrong in the past with my OH. Yes this is true, right from when we were dating. If I wasn't such a doormat, I'd have left him long ago. A lot of it has been mind games. But I am wise to those now.

One main issue that's an ongoing problem is that he chats to other women (maybe he has lasting friendships on MSN Messenger??) and whilst he rarely uses the computer in the week at home, he might huddle up a corner for a couple of hours at a time at the weekend. I detest this secrecy and feel resentment about it. But many years ago I did the same. Why is he STILL punishing me?

And WHY do I put up with it?

Everything else in our lives is fine, so I don't want to rock the boat. If we have plans at the weekend and can go out and about, he's never on the computer (though he does have an Iphone)

Good question DocHoliday!!

I'd like him to STOP whatever he is doing on the computer!! My chatting to others fizzled out long ago, I find it tediously dull now and if I do chat, I'm bored within 1/2 an hour and stop. So why can't he just stop without me having to ask!

Thank you everyone for your kind replies, I shall take it all on board what you have said. Marriage is a two way thing and there's a lot of give and take.

WorkingOnMe

Maybe he punishes you because he's not getting any p*ssy. According to your other thread anyway.

norajane

He's obviously getting something out of the chatting that he wants...do you know what he is getting out of it? Who is he chatting with? Maybe he likes the attention, or flattery, or something. Is he on forums or woodworking sites, or are these sex chat sites or what?