Sorry for the long post. Ran across this forum and after reading more than a few threads, decided to chime in.
Married for 15, going on 16 years.
My wife was never a "sexual" person. I understand that now. She has something that happened in her past, and while she claims it doesn't effect her at all it does. I guess I should start from the beginning, again...it's going to be long.
We didn't date very long at all. Now neither of us were just out of school, so we both had relationships before we met.
She was the first and only woman I've ever loved. It's hard to explain, and I can explain anything..but explaining that is hard somehow.
Lived together for a good bit, then got married. Both decided to have a child, and she was insistent on being a stay at home mom, at least until school started. Said she could wait until we could afford it, but she wanted to be there for her child.
This makes more sense if you knew her Mother is a functioning (barely) alcoholic, and her "Father" stood by while her stepmother basically beat the crap out of her and he sister when they came to live with their Dad when my W was 12 or so.
So we had our son. He's 15 now. After our son's birth A LOT of things changed. I have a high sex drive...I'll admit that. And she is VERY shy about anything involving sex. She won't even masturbate. And NO I'm not joking and ladies I'm serious...she has never pleasured herself.
She ended up having some medical issues after our son's birth. Lactose intolerant, IBS symptoms. She saw doctors, and when they didn't give her immediate answers, she just "Accepted" her problems and stopped going to the Doctor.
At one point her Medical Doctor ended up prescribing an anti-depressant for her. This GREATLY helped for a while. Until my wife, still a stay at home mom, decided that she would take it when she felt like it. The immediate "slide back" was apparent.
She used "it's expensive" excuse. Then it was the "I'm not myself when I take it" excuse. Then the "Why should I change myself for anyone else." excuse. When in reality, she was more like herself when she took the meds.
Around this time she dropped a bomb on me and told me she didn't love me "Like a wife should love a husband". No EA's or PA's AT ALL. So we went almost TWO YEARS without her so much as touching me. I sucked it up. It was my family. All I could picture was me being a Father on the weekends, if I was lucky. No thanks.
Then she started working. I understand NOW what effect staying home with a small child had on her. But it was HER Idea and she insisted.
Things got better. Although at that point I admit anything was better.
We saw a marriage counselor at my prompting. I was surprised how open she was with the counselor. Had a couple of visits then the counselor wanted to see her alone. No problem. She had one visit, then decided "she didn't need counseling".
Things gradually improved. Although in retrospect I think they didn't so much improve as I just wrapped myself in other things.
My wife started working 3pm-11pm. She had for the past 8-9 years or so.
I became so wrapped up in my son, coaching sports, things with the house, my work, everyday life...I think I just put my feelings on the backburner and moved on. What was I going to do? Leave? It's MY family.
We bought a bigger house 4-5 years ago, the bigger house she and I both wanted, better neighborhood etc.
Now as my son had gotten older, and I have more and more free time on my hands, I realize I don't think it ever changed.
It's not just sex. It's AFFECTION.
I'm not clingy. I'm not needy. I'm the husband that brings flowers to her work every birthday and Valentine's day. I stopped doing that after she told me she got embarrassed at work "Because all the girls at work tell me how luck I am blah blah blah".
Still no EA's or PA's. If she has any, she's a magician.
She once told me that it wasn't that she didn't want sex with me, it was she didn't want sex period.
She is almost OCD about cleaning. But I'm no couch potato husband. I'm not big fat guy who sits around all day. I cook, I clean, I do laundry....but it seems whenever I do something, I don't do it the right way. Many times this makes me want to NOT do anything.
There is almost no affection. Zilch. Nada.
Our sex life "improved" BUT she has to have a few drinks in her. It's like it loosens her up and she loses some of her inhibitions. I know she enjoys sex...hell I know she orgasms...I make her pleasure my priority. She's not faking, she's not the type...and I had enough relationships with women before I was married, that I know what a female orgasm feels like. Unless she fakes the leg shakes and the heavy breathing and the flushed skin..if so...well she deserves an academy award.
If it's not one us leaving the room...I have to be the one to kiss or hug.
If I try the cold shoulder routine, it changes nothing. It's like she doesn't even notice.
Because of her schedule (3pm-11pm with rotating days off) I look forward to her days off so we can go out, have a few drinks etc.
But except for every 4th weekend, I always have to work the next day. I never complain. I normally don't go to bed until midnight or later anyway.
Lately it seems like she tries to outwait me on her nights off...so I'll go to bed before she does. She says "I can't go right to bed, I'm used to being up late."
She couldn't tell you the last time we made love...it truly doesn't seem to matter to her.
I have the be the initiator. If I'm not we don't have sex. I take that back...maybe once every few months, if she's had a drink or two, she'll "Initiate" by turning towards me in bed and asking me "Are you sleepy?". That's "her way". Okay I can deal with that.
And it's not just sex. Hell I've told her flat out...being in bed with her naked and just making out is more than enough for me. But most times she doesn't want foreplay...it seems as if she wants to just get it over with.
I feel like I'm stuck.
If I talk to her about it..."I'm being pushy. I'm blaming her."
She normally responds (without being nasty about it)
"I know. I need to be better at it. I'll work on it. We need to set date night and nights for us to be together."
Tried that. Set up a date night once...looked forward to it all week....she forgot all about it.
I'm just at wit's end. I don't want to lose my family...because it will definitely effect my son as well. Not just having both parents at home, but his everyday life. Without both incomes, we'd have to sell the house. And with the market the way it is, we'd be lucky to break even.
I can't even believe I'm talking about splitting up.
I literally feel like if I NEVER said a word to her about our marriage, she'd be PERFECTLY FINE.
I almost feel like the prime of my life (hell I'm not even FORTY YET) is done...and for what?
So if you didn't fall asleep reading this...
Ladies don't think that it's just about sex. It's about affection.
And not all men are dogs running around in heat. Meaningless sex doesn't do anything for me. I had enough of that before I got married.
The thought of being single again is just nuts. But at this point I feel like I have roommate...and that's about it.
Married for 15, going on 16 years.
My wife was never a "sexual" person. I understand that now. She has something that happened in her past, and while she claims it doesn't effect her at all it does. I guess I should start from the beginning, again...it's going to be long.
We didn't date very long at all. Now neither of us were just out of school, so we both had relationships before we met.
She was the first and only woman I've ever loved. It's hard to explain, and I can explain anything..but explaining that is hard somehow.
Lived together for a good bit, then got married. Both decided to have a child, and she was insistent on being a stay at home mom, at least until school started. Said she could wait until we could afford it, but she wanted to be there for her child.
This makes more sense if you knew her Mother is a functioning (barely) alcoholic, and her "Father" stood by while her stepmother basically beat the crap out of her and he sister when they came to live with their Dad when my W was 12 or so.
So we had our son. He's 15 now. After our son's birth A LOT of things changed. I have a high sex drive...I'll admit that. And she is VERY shy about anything involving sex. She won't even masturbate. And NO I'm not joking and ladies I'm serious...she has never pleasured herself.
She ended up having some medical issues after our son's birth. Lactose intolerant, IBS symptoms. She saw doctors, and when they didn't give her immediate answers, she just "Accepted" her problems and stopped going to the Doctor.
At one point her Medical Doctor ended up prescribing an anti-depressant for her. This GREATLY helped for a while. Until my wife, still a stay at home mom, decided that she would take it when she felt like it. The immediate "slide back" was apparent.
She used "it's expensive" excuse. Then it was the "I'm not myself when I take it" excuse. Then the "Why should I change myself for anyone else." excuse. When in reality, she was more like herself when she took the meds.
Around this time she dropped a bomb on me and told me she didn't love me "Like a wife should love a husband". No EA's or PA's AT ALL. So we went almost TWO YEARS without her so much as touching me. I sucked it up. It was my family. All I could picture was me being a Father on the weekends, if I was lucky. No thanks.
Then she started working. I understand NOW what effect staying home with a small child had on her. But it was HER Idea and she insisted.
Things got better. Although at that point I admit anything was better.
We saw a marriage counselor at my prompting. I was surprised how open she was with the counselor. Had a couple of visits then the counselor wanted to see her alone. No problem. She had one visit, then decided "she didn't need counseling".
Things gradually improved. Although in retrospect I think they didn't so much improve as I just wrapped myself in other things.
My wife started working 3pm-11pm. She had for the past 8-9 years or so.
I became so wrapped up in my son, coaching sports, things with the house, my work, everyday life...I think I just put my feelings on the backburner and moved on. What was I going to do? Leave? It's MY family.
We bought a bigger house 4-5 years ago, the bigger house she and I both wanted, better neighborhood etc.
Now as my son had gotten older, and I have more and more free time on my hands, I realize I don't think it ever changed.
It's not just sex. It's AFFECTION.
I'm not clingy. I'm not needy. I'm the husband that brings flowers to her work every birthday and Valentine's day. I stopped doing that after she told me she got embarrassed at work "Because all the girls at work tell me how luck I am blah blah blah".
Still no EA's or PA's. If she has any, she's a magician.
She once told me that it wasn't that she didn't want sex with me, it was she didn't want sex period.
She is almost OCD about cleaning. But I'm no couch potato husband. I'm not big fat guy who sits around all day. I cook, I clean, I do laundry....but it seems whenever I do something, I don't do it the right way. Many times this makes me want to NOT do anything.
There is almost no affection. Zilch. Nada.
Our sex life "improved" BUT she has to have a few drinks in her. It's like it loosens her up and she loses some of her inhibitions. I know she enjoys sex...hell I know she orgasms...I make her pleasure my priority. She's not faking, she's not the type...and I had enough relationships with women before I was married, that I know what a female orgasm feels like. Unless she fakes the leg shakes and the heavy breathing and the flushed skin..if so...well she deserves an academy award.
If it's not one us leaving the room...I have to be the one to kiss or hug.
If I try the cold shoulder routine, it changes nothing. It's like she doesn't even notice.
Because of her schedule (3pm-11pm with rotating days off) I look forward to her days off so we can go out, have a few drinks etc.
But except for every 4th weekend, I always have to work the next day. I never complain. I normally don't go to bed until midnight or later anyway.
Lately it seems like she tries to outwait me on her nights off...so I'll go to bed before she does. She says "I can't go right to bed, I'm used to being up late."
She couldn't tell you the last time we made love...it truly doesn't seem to matter to her.
I have the be the initiator. If I'm not we don't have sex. I take that back...maybe once every few months, if she's had a drink or two, she'll "Initiate" by turning towards me in bed and asking me "Are you sleepy?". That's "her way". Okay I can deal with that.
And it's not just sex. Hell I've told her flat out...being in bed with her naked and just making out is more than enough for me. But most times she doesn't want foreplay...it seems as if she wants to just get it over with.
I feel like I'm stuck.
If I talk to her about it..."I'm being pushy. I'm blaming her."
She normally responds (without being nasty about it)
"I know. I need to be better at it. I'll work on it. We need to set date night and nights for us to be together."
Tried that. Set up a date night once...looked forward to it all week....she forgot all about it.
I'm just at wit's end. I don't want to lose my family...because it will definitely effect my son as well. Not just having both parents at home, but his everyday life. Without both incomes, we'd have to sell the house. And with the market the way it is, we'd be lucky to break even.
I can't even believe I'm talking about splitting up.
I literally feel like if I NEVER said a word to her about our marriage, she'd be PERFECTLY FINE.
I almost feel like the prime of my life (hell I'm not even FORTY YET) is done...and for what?
So if you didn't fall asleep reading this...
Ladies don't think that it's just about sex. It's about affection.
And not all men are dogs running around in heat. Meaningless sex doesn't do anything for me. I had enough of that before I got married.
The thought of being single again is just nuts. But at this point I feel like I have roommate...and that's about it.