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Hobby getting out of control?

7K views 39 replies 14 participants last post by  Freak On a Leash 
#1 ·
I apologize if this post is seen as intrusive since I am not a lady in the ladies' lounge but I feel I need a female perspective on this question.

When my middle son moved out several months ago my wife became somewhat depressed. We both feel she was experiencing a little empty nest syndrome. We went online and did some reading and one of the suggestions was that she might consider taking up a hobby. She liked that idea and decided to take up photography. I was very supportive and helped her as much as I could. She seemed happier and more at ease so I felt good that she felt good.

However, as time has gone on she has turned this hobby into an obsession; at least in my opinion. Now it seems wherever we go she brings her camera. I wouldn't mind but her new hobby has started intruding quite a bit into our time together. For example, we have always shared walks together at a local hiking trail. Not only is this good exercise but it allows us to talk about things away from the house. We often resolve issues and discuss our troubles during these long walks. Lately though she has been bringing that camera with her every time we go. Instead of having nice conversations we end up stopping every few minutes while she takes a few pictures. Our leisurely strolls have turned into me escorting her while she practices her hobby.

When we went to visit my parents she, of course, brought the camera. When we are home she is always taking pictures so much so that when I go looking for her for some reason or another I invariably find her outside snapping off a few shots. For several years now I have always called her at a specific time so we can talk about plans for later that day or any issues that need to be addressed asap. Now I find more often than not she doesn't answer her phone because she is taking pictures. The other night she stayed up well past the time we normally go to bed because she was taking pictures that just had to be done right at that time for some reason.

I have talked to her about my concerns that she is going too far but her reply to me is always that it's better than her being depressed and eventually the excitement will wear off and she will slow down a bit. On the one hand I am happy she has found something that pleases her and takes her mind off her woes. On the other hand I am very concerned that if she doesn't start balancing things out it will get even more out of hand and will really affect our relationship. Since I have already spoken to her how can I let her know how serious I feel this is without ruining her new found pleasure and/or without her becoming resentful? I would like some opinions on how I should handle this touchy issue?
 
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#2 ·
Well, like you said. It's touchy, because you first wanted her to show an interest in something else, and when she did and went full hog, now you want her to pull back. :)

You can always tell your wife that you miss her company when she has her nose behind the camera so much. She likely is using it right now as a coping strategy.

I don't have any kids that have left the nest yet, but I can see both points of view. For a long time, I was a spectator to my husband's obsession with anything sports, and felt quite left out of his life. After several years of this in our early married life, I told him that I was done and was ready to move out. He came around fairly quickly and things dramatically improved. I hope you don't have to go to that length to open your wife's eyes. :)

And, of course, I have my own hobby - which is somewhat related to your wife's. I love to take pictures too, but then I can spend hours and hours in the evening organizing and creating photobooks online. My H will simply mention that he hasn't seen my face for awhile, and I know that I have been spending too much time with my hobby. So, we normallly set it up where we each have a block of time for 'me' time, we have a block of time for 'family' time, and we have a block of time for 'our' time. Talk with your wife about setting up the boundaries for each of those particular blocks of time.

And finally, is there anything that is of interest to both of you? We have found that one of the things we enjoy a lot is taking the dogs out for a walk together - leaving the 17 year old to manage the fort while we are gone. It gives us 'our' time, where we can talk and be away from the kids. I usually leave my camera behind - although my H will sometimes suggest I take it, but he will take it from my hand and will take snaps of me as well - he noticed I appeared in very few pictures in those albums because I was the one always taking the pictures. :)

Hope you can find a way to compromise to a solution.

Best wishes.
 
#3 ·
I wonder if you engage with her about her photography on the walks? Do you ask her what she's learned recently or what technique she's trying out? I wonder if you could be more involved with her? As Enchantment suggested, perhaps you could take a few snaps of her? This could be a wonderful way to capture the memories of all those walks you take together.

Any possibility you could enjoy her new found passion / coping mechanism with her - by creating albums at home or choosing certain photos to frame together? Perhaps your routine as a couple is going to change. Maybe the walks and talks can morph into other things now.

I do understand your concerns though so I don't mean to brush off your feelings about it. I get the importance of having each others undivided attention and being in the moment together. I'm just prompting if there's scope for change within both of you? This could be a positive new thing!

I've certainly thrown myself into hobbies/passions/distractions before. Years back my husband secretly saved up to get my first electric guitar. I jokingly say that I could have slept with that guitar. As soon as I got home, it was guitar time. I'd break to have dinner and chat, then straight back to guitar. Then I tried my hand at writing lyrics, so more focus on guitar time. Or watching musicians and getting buzzed from the music and excitement of having a guitar. Sounds ridiculous lol. Hubs said he loved hearing me play (or trying to play lol), but after a short time, he did encourage me to unplug and come to bed at the same time. It seems my creative streak unfolds the most late at night and I get excited to follow that. I paused with the guitar, for other reasons, and have recently picked it up again. I'm more conscious of not going into that 'loner zone' when he's around me now. As a reformed night-owl, I'm a big advocator of us going to bed at the same time. He shows interest, asking me to play him what I've been practicing or encouraging my progress. I love this, and I think it actually helps break me out of that loner-state that I can fall into if I'm not careful.

Good luck!
 
#4 ·
When you 1st started writing this, it sounded alot like ME, my SLR is always with me .....all of our walks - many times I have him carry the tripod.

You never did say what she is doing with all of these pictures? You mention calling her at certain times & she is off taking pictures, staying up beyond bedtime, still snapping away .....what , stuff in the house, apples & oranges ?

Does she have some goal in all of this, maybe she can take a Photography class at night at a local Technical school or something - learn some skills to put her new found hobby to use... I think when someone finds a "passion" for something if they are any good at it (??) - it gives them great purpose.

I like Enchantment's advice about the "blocks of time"... snapping away all she wants (thank God for digital!) - so long as it is not interfering with her regular schedule , getting things done for the family & her time with you, this would be very reasonable. Her not answering the phone & not coming to bed with you ...this is getting a little carried away.

They claim if you do something consistent for 17 days straight, it becomes a "habit". Work on 17 days of healthy boundaries with her new hobby -if you can get her on board.
 
#5 ·
Beowulf, you lucky man!

She took your advice, holus bolus!! Great!

You helped her tap into something that gave her comfort in an emotionally uncertain time. Enjoy her enjoyment. Don't put a block on it. She will find a natural balance.

It's already been suggested that you get a bit more involved. Offer, but don't insist or be pushy. She might feel that you're trying to take over. She could, though, be delighted that you're showing an interest.

Be patient. Her needs right now are paramount. She's the one feeling hardest hit by the departure of your son. Let her find her equilibrium and she will come 'back' to you.
 
#6 ·
I read this with some interest and have struggled with it (even though I am not a woman, my wife is a SAHM and I know that this is a bridge we will need to cross one day). I understand and fully support the idea of your wife’s hobby and supporting it. Yet it seems like there is a certain “rudeness” for lack of a better term, even if it is unintentional. She has essentially turned what was once “couples” time into her time. I am sure that is a difficult thing to handle, even if you understand why it may have occurred. Imagine for a moment that her new hobby was on-line Scrabble. If you went out to dinner once a week to talk, how would you perceive it if she took out her phone and proceeded to play Scrabble instead of talking to you.

I think it is reasonable to support her in her hobby and yet still ask for her attention during some of your time together. Perhaps arranging some time to escort her on her photography trips, as well as arranging couples time when the camera does not come along. Noting that you miss her and your talks should soften the blow.
 
#8 ·
Imagine for a moment that her new hobby was on-line Scrabble. If you went out to dinner once a week to talk, how would you perceive it if she took out her phone and proceeded to play Scrabble instead of talking to you.
I actually think this is a great way to frame the discussion - setup an example of a different scenario that has the same type of effect. Then you remove the actual object/hobby causing the problem but can still focus on the problem itself - lack of attention.

You may even want to change the positioning of the offenders in your example to create a "would you like it if I was doing this to you?" scenario that victimizes herself. She may relate to it better that way.

The key here though is making sure you have a very subtle, genuine and loving tone to the discussion. Absolutely no heated temper. Use words that emphasize mutuality and bonding like "us" and "we" and "together", etc...
 
#7 ·
I would tell her 'nicely' that while you support her new hobby you feel that she's become yes rude is the right word with it. Ask specifically for camera free times and if she doesn't go along with that then stop trying to compete with it. Let her go on the hikes alone.

If it continues you will have to up it a notch and ask her to choose the hobby or you.

Look I'm all for people having interests outside the marriage but when it becomes MORE important than your spouse that's when it becomes a dealbreaker for me. Phones, the internet, hobbies, friends, could be anything really but it's not acceptable to me.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for all the replies. There are some really great suggestions here. She has been at this for a lot longer than 17 days, lol. It seems like the camera and her are joined at the hip. She even takes it to work with her "just in case". She is really good at it. She's taken some terrific pictures. I've always said she had an untapped creative side to her. She doesn't really have any particular agenda with her pictures. Most of them are of our pets or things outside like trees, the sky etc. She has taken some really good pictures and she has posted some on her Facebook page for family and friends to see.

I have tried to get involved with her hobby but there always seems to be no room left for anything else when I do. For one week I gave all my time and attention to her and her photography. By the end of the week I realized we had done nothing else and most of the time I was relegated to holding her pocketbook or escorting her to where she wanted to go to get some good shots. That and she'd ask me my opinion of the pictures she took.

I certainly don't begrudge her finding an outlet. After all I was the one that encouraged it. My complaint mainly is that I feel it is getting out of hand and interfering with everything else. I've tried to suggest that she confine her photography to certain times a day or even certain days but she says that she has to take pictures when they happen. She says she never knows when she'll come across a great opportunity. That's why she always has the camera with her. I understand that to a certain extent but it doesn't leave much time for me/us.

I wouldn't have a problem with it but it has been like this for months now and I don't see it balancing itself out yet. I must admit I'm growing slightly concerned that it will consume her life leaving very little for anything else. I guess I'm just trying to find a delicate way of letting her know that she needs to balance things out more. Unfortunately I'm not sure she is listening right now and I don't want to squash her new interest and send her back into the dark doldrums.
 
#10 ·
Are you at the point where the next time she asks you to come along, you need to respond that you don't enjoy holding her pocket book? Sometimes, when people get so involved, the subtle nice hints we send just don't get through. Would being a bit more abrupt work with your wife, or would she get defensive?
 
#11 ·
hmm it's been like this for months? ....I can understand that she's enjoying her creative side but yes, there definitely needs to be balance coming back. I empathize because you don't want to quash this great new passion she's enjoying, yet she can't live behind the lens. As much as we love taking photos too, it's also not being in the moment, despite capturing it.

The tricky part is, if you do manage to get her to come out without her camera, there's a good chance she will complain if she sees a shot that she "could have" taken. Her mind may still be in photo-mode even without her camera with her. There needs to be balance though, because I could see that would be annoying and yes "rude" even if unintentional, towards you. I see it in myself when I get into that kind of zone, it's unintentional but it can be selfish. I'm more aware of this now but occasionally hubs will nudge me to bring me back.

Following your recent post, all I could suggest then is to be gently honest. That you love that she has this passion and you love seeing her photos - but that just for the walk, you'd like her to yourself because you enjoy her company so much. How would that go down? Or when you're on the walk together, as stupid as this sounds that you might need to remind her that you're there, she may well need reminding. Pull her in for a kiss, tell her you'll give her something to focus on. Maybe?

Best wishes.
 
#12 ·
See I don't know if I do push harder if she will react badly. About 20 years ago we had a rough patch that included infidelity, emotional abuse, etc and since that time we have always worked very hard to communicate and make a concerted effort to respect each other and put the other person first. So I'm a little out of practice when it comes to putting my foot down. Of course if needed I can certainly remember. It's like riding a bike right?

Thing is she really is good. She was comparing her photos to some pictures on a professional photographers website and her pictures were at least as good. She will typically take 50 or more pictures every day but will keep only a few and sometimes even none.
 
#13 ·
Beo, I know I'm in the minority here but I would not suggest you block her hobby or begrudge her. I would suggest you nurture her new found hobby instead.

If I were you...and you want your wife's admiration and pure joy/love and you'd really like to give her a gift by being a man she will adore...then all you have to do is adore her new love for photography. Loving our love's loves is a beautiful gift that will endear you to her.

Maybe she will grow out of it. Maybe it will only last for a year and in five more years you can laugh about it. The point is, exploring our passions are so important. Don't begrudge her lack of time, find a way to be included, to be supportive and to indulge her this joy.

You said she was good, which is awesome!

To make her feel like the luckiest woman on Earth you can do things like:

1. Help her build a portfolio (or purchase her a very nice portfolio for her work).

2. Purchase a different kind of camera for her to experiment and explore her new hobby. I love this camera and it's perfect for someone who dabbles in photography (don't forget the film). UrbanOutfitters.com > Lomography Diana Deluxe Package

3. Find a local gallery and suggest she consider approaching them to show her work. Another idea is looking for photography contests she can join online and win small prizes with.

4. Suggest turning her photos into a crafty business by making cards, etc. Etsy - Your place to buy and sell all things handmade, vintage, and supplies is a great place to then sell them.

5. Read up and learn so that when you go on walks and whatnot you can talk about her hobby with her. Then ask her to make time to talk about you as well. She'll be happy with you and much more likely to want to engage and listen to all you have to say.

6. Check out local classes for photography or even online classes and surprise her by enrolling her in one.
 
#18 ·
These are all good ideas but aren't I being dishonest if I hide my feelings about her hobby/obsession? I have already tried to get involved but I was relegated to interested bystander by her. I got the feeling she felt I was just in the way. Again, for the last twenty years we have always been able to talk and work things out when a conflict arises. I'm just not sure how to handle this.
 
#14 ·
Another great one I have is suggesting she contact a local charity that is having a big event and volunteer her services as a photographer. I work for a non-profit and we are always looking for volunteer amateur photographers that will help us capture the different fundraising events we do (5k runs, Gala's, etc.).
 
#17 ·
Well I guess that is an option but when we had our problems I gave up most of my hobbies in favor of concentrating on things we liked to do together. It's similar to what Dr. Harley advocates in his book "His Needs, Her Needs" when he talks about recreational companionship. Of course we didn't have the benefit of Dr. Harley's book. We came up with that ourselves. So for the last twenty years we have both only pursued interests we can share together when we are...well...together. There are some times during the day when our schedules force us to have time alone and that is when we do "me" things. Whenever an individual hobby or interest has encroached on our "us" time the offender is gently reminded that it is not a shared activity so it is ended. This is the first time in the last twenty years that a gentle reminder has not worked. That is why I'm a bit lost on how to handle this situation.
 
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#24 ·
I haven't confronted her but have asked her gently when we will have "us" time together. When she is engaged in her hobby it seems as if I don't exist. She doesn't involve me other than to hold her bag or look at the pictures later when she's all done. I've tried to help her and encourage her but I get the feeling she wished I would disappear. had thought about getting my own camera but I get the feeling that she would see it as me competing with her and it would cause resentment.
 
#25 ·
This seems pretty common amoung women that get bitten by the photography bug - my wife is glued to her camera and I'm just greatful that she has an addictive hobby, as I have an addictive hobby too. For the record, I'm not talking about some substance issue, so please folks don't read anything into it.

I think this is very good that she has found a hobby that satisfies her so much. Rejoice. Show interest in the hobby so she will want to have you around. Carry the tripod. Be in charge of recharging the batteries.

I assume its a digital camera. DSLR, point and shoot or some type of hybrid?

I like my camera too, but after outgrowing camera bags, I finally got one that is massive :)
 
#26 ·
I'm sorry if I write bluntly when I communicate this but I wonder if it feels like she's having an affair with her camera then? She is filling her life with a passion, instead of filling her time with you. The key is balance, which it does seem you want.

I think following a hobby, having passion and interests is healthy, wonderful and needed. I do think there needs to be a balance though and it shouldn't stand in the way of the relationship. Even if it's just on the walk - I think it's justified that you have uninterrupted "couples time". You do mention these walks have usually been the time that you talk about issues and such between you. Apologies if I have interpreted this incorrectly, but can the walks be fun and passionate instead of serious? Could you perhaps ask her to take your photograph when you're out together? Could you see if she'd set up the camera on self-time mode and pose silly shots together? Maybe act a little young and crazy? And/or without the camera bring passion to her in your company?
 
#28 ·
I've read a few of the replies but not all of them, so please excuse me if I repeat someone else's suggestions.

I think its great that you are trying to be supportive and I certainly understand your concern and frustration. I have a couple thoughts on this.

Firstly, being into photography myself, when you start trying to learn photographer you quickly realize that if you dont ALWAYS have your camera on you, it seems you always miss the best shots! For this reason, its REALLY easy to start taking your camera everywhere and snapping everything!! I'm not making an excuse for her, just saying that her behavior is easy to do with photography.

Secondly, depression is an awful, awful thing. You will certainly have MORE issues with her behavior if she goes deeper into depression. So allowing her to be a little obsessive over a pretty harmless hobby, may be the lesser of two evils right now. If she is still working towards finding happiness in her life and understanding that eventually she will need to learn this and return back to balance, then the photography obsession is probably a small temporary problem.

Now to address your needs. Just because she's having a hard time and you should support her, does NOT mean that your needs should be ignored. You're needs are just as important as hers. So, I suggest revisiting the topic with her and ask for a compromise. Tell her that you understand she is struggling and you want to be fully supportive of her photography. Ask that she spend ONE activity per week with you in which she leaves her camera at home. One hike, or a dinner date or something just between the two of you. Its not much, but it will probably begin to help your frustration and it may be a good way to help her ease back into normalcy. After a few weeks of this, maybe you could suggest TWO activities per week without the camera. This may help her return back to spending a normal amount of time in a hobby and begin to find happiness in other activities. But hopefully will NOT make her feel pressured into being all better right now.
 
#29 ·
Ok, so yesterday I asked her if she would leave her camera home while we went for a walk. Of course this lead into a discussion about how I really feel. I didn't yell but I didn't hold back either. In the beginning I could tell she was aggravated that I was criticizing her. We both have read "His Needs He Needs" and "Love Busters" together. I found the books and put them on the table in front of her. I pointed out that she was not fulfilling my need for a recreational companion. I also pointed out that she was engaged in an individualistic behavior and was withdrawing love units from my bank. She called that dirty pool but she smiled.

She said she realizes now that she was being selfish because photography was making her feel so good after feeling so bad. She apologized and promised to set aside time for us without the camera. I stressed to her that I really think she has a talent for photography and I don't want to her stop but I was feeling very lonely even when we were together.

Today we went for a walk and she left the camera home. I could tell that she was regretting not having it when she'd see something that she thought would make a great shot but to her credit she didn't complain out loud. I offered to get more involved with her photography if she let me know what she would like for me to do. I also offered some of the suggestions that were made here. She liked some of those ideas and we're going to look into them this weekend.

Thanks to everyone who responded and offered helpful insight and suggestions. I'll let you all know how things progress as time goes on.
 
#33 ·
:smthumbup:

This is great! I think you really handled that well, Beowulf. Talking about the love banks and the work you did previously through 'His Needs, Her Needs' was very good - a stroke of genius! You framed your request such that it didn't come off as 'me, me, me' but 'we, we, we'. Fantastic!
 
#36 ·
Just wanted to give a quick update:

My wife and I talked a few more times and she really didn't know how much her obsession was affecting me. She said she was afraid that if she let up on the gas even a little she would get depressed again. Since our talk she has spent less time taking pictures and more time with me doing things we both enjoy. She admits its almost a relief to be more balanced. It turns out my anxiety over her hobby and how to approach her without bursting her bubble was mostly in my head.

Btw, I talked to a friend of mine who owns a pub/restaurant not too far away. After looking at some of her pictures he agreed to put a few up in his place. We're in the process of getting some ready for display. My wife has been on cloud 9 all week. It's all good now. :smthumbup:
 
#38 ·
:smthumbup: Nice to hear that you worked it out. I'm glad it worked out for you but personally I could never do what you've done with your wife with regards to hobbies.

A few years back my husband and I tried doing everything together, much as you have done with your wife. It didn't work for us. Both of us have always had hobbies and need our own time to do the things that we want to do and we found that we couldn't change that part of ourselves.

When I tried to do anything without him my husband began to nag me and I wound up resenting him. In the first months of our separation one of my strongest feelings was one of relief because FINALLY I could pursue my own hobbies and activities without getting any grief or guilt from him.

We are still separated but one of the good things about that is that it allowed us to rethink what we'd done. We both mutually decided that we needed and wanted our own hobbies, friends and activities apart from each other and needed to respect and accept that about one another.

I like it better this way. If I want to go out with my friends and/or do my own thing I can. Last weekend I went out with friends, went kayaking and attended my class but my husband and I did spend a lot of time together as well. This weekend he has plans to go to a trade show with his friends and a poker game. Next weekend I plan to go skiing.

I like it better this way and one of the reasons I am not rushing back to live with my husband is because I REALLY do like having my own time on my own terms.

My daughter is going away to college in the fall and I don't have any problems with that. IMO an empty nest doesn't HAVE to mean that your life is empty. Just as your kids are embarking on a new adventure you can too!
 
#39 ·
I'm glad you've found a way to be happy and have your separate hobbies and interests. It's different for my wife and I. Our lives have become so intertwined over the last 20 years since our reconciliation that I'm not sure either of us would be able to separate without tearing big chunks away. I just had to approach her in a serious but loving way so that she would know what I was feeling. Things are still going great now. In fact we went hiking recently and she took her camera. I didn't even have to ask her to restrict herself from shuttering the bug. She wanted to make sure we were focused on each other. She did take some nice shots but we had fun talking most of the time. She got one really good one of a hawk that had landed in a tree nearby. It came out great and I think she should consider making it one of the ones my friend puts up in his restaurant.
 
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