I have been married 10 years to my husband we have 3 sons we have been having problems and im staying with my mom bc he keeps cheating mistreatng me and the boys so he asked us to move back in with him and i told him we need counseling to learn how to communicate better before me and the kids come back bc all he does is mistreats us when he is mad,so he got mad and said he hates me he dont want me anymore and he is goin to get him someone else and he want me to die..So i asked why would he say that to me i have never did him wrong i take care his kids he isnt on childsupport even though he doesnt take care of them at all,I dont cheat i dont go out,all i do is stay home work from home and take care the kids.I try to talk to him all he does is hang up in my face and call me names so today i was trying to call him to tell him our son has to have heart surgery monday all he did was scream at me and hu so i couldnt even tell him..I have been there for my husband thru it all but he treats me like this? all i wanted was us to get help to work on our marriage but he blows up bc i didnt just run back to him..I cant beleive what he said to me..He does this to me whenever i dont agree with him,I told him it dsnt make since for me to move back in and he has been mistreating us and cheating on me until we can get counseling but instead of understanding he curses me out,and wont answer when i call him..should i just let him go and move on?
He doesn't deserve you. Move on. It won't be easy, but you have to let this go. He is not someone you should want to be with and once you can step back and look at the relationship from the outside, I think you would give yourself the same advice. You have to stop wanting anything from him. He's not going to give it and he has you where he wants you as long as you want or expect anything from him.
I have been married 10 years to my husband we have 3 sons we have been having problems and im staying with my mom bc he keeps cheating mistreatng me and the boys so he asked us to move back in with him and i told him we need counseling to learn how to communicate better before me and the kids come back bc all he does is mistreats us when he is mad,so he got mad and said he hates me he dont want me anymore and he is goin to get him someone else and he want me to die..
Divorce him. He does not care about you. Any man who can tell you he wishes you would die, refuses marriage counselling, repeatedly cheats on you and tells you he hates you and will find another woman does NOT love or respect you.
Leave his a$$ for good. File divorce/spousal support/child support. Be done. He is a piece of sh!t.
He is emotionally abusing you, and is trying to control you. This comes from personal experience, I was an emotional abuser. It takes one to know one.
He needs to go to counselling, or there is no way this is going to get fixed. I am currently in counselling now, and will be starting group therapy in about a month. I just pray that my wife who I'm currently separated from will give me another chance.
I did not know I was emotionally abusive, it took a sit down with our MC to drill it into me. I thought that I was just 'stressed out'. I was doing things like making my wife feel guilty for wanting to do her own things (we have two young kids, so I would use the story that I would have to be 'alone' taking care of the kids), I was gaslighting, several times during our 13 year relationship I broke things or put my fist through a wall in anger, I would yell (never called her names, but would raise my voice and 'snap'), etc. It is embarrassing behaviour, I can't believe that I had become that person.
The decision to seek counselling for my abusive behaviour came from my wife's decision to separate from me. It was a massive wake up call for me. The only two people on this earth that I loved more than my wife are my kids. I say 'loved' because we are having some major relationship issues right now, she had an EA due to being so unhappy in our marriage, we're like oil and water right now and are planning to go 'no contact' for probably 3 months starting next week because we are getting nothing accomplished continuing to communicate while separated, if anything it's making it worse (keep on opening up old wounds).
Now my decision to continue counselling is for me. I do not like the person that I had become, and if I can't save this relationship I need to make the next work much better. It deeply saddens me that I have hurt my wife so much that she has become a shell of the person that she once was, and she was the most beautiful person I had ever met both inside and outside. She is still absolutely gorgeous in my eyes, but her inside is shattered, and I'm responsible. She is in weekly IC counselling now as well to help her with her self esteem and self worth that I have destroyed over the years. I also need to be a better person for my kids, as my abusive behaviour was starting to spill over onto the way I was dealing with them misbehaving (they're young, both under 6). My time now with the kids is a million times better, but still needs some improvement. Hopefully one day I'll get out of this pattern fully and that my wife will give me another chance. Right now she is saying that she cannot see us together in the future however has not asked for a divorce, and we've agreed on the no contact that we will be starting next week (next week because we want to sit down and define together what no contact means for us individually, it's tough because of the kids of course).
I would also recommend a book by Beverly Engel entitled 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship - How to stop the abuse and stop abusing'. It is something for the abuser and the abused to read, it really opens your eyes.
Thanks for sharing, Testing. Your relationship sounds like the one I had with my exhusband. He never got counselling though.
I commend you for doing that. And I hope your therapy works and wish you the best, no matter how your marriage shakes out.
Thank you Jellybeans, your words mean more to me than you'll ever know. I am having a terrible struggle right now, wanting to work on our relationship and working on myself. As incredibly difficult this 'no contact' period is going to be, I feel that I need it to work on myself and my wife herself. That combined with being in 'limbo' land with regards to our relationship is really taking it's toll on me. Thanks again for your kind words.
You mentioned marriage counseling, but I suggest that you go yourself to individual counseling - so that you can have a sounding board, get some inner peace, and work on continuing to cultivate and nurture that strong woman you are - one who is complete in and of herself, one who doesn't need a demeaning, abusive, disrespectful spouse.
Some people in this world are just a..holes,period.From what you said about how he wished you were dead,the constant mistreatment of you and your sons and the apparent lack of concern about your son's surgery paints a picture to me of a person with no redeeming qualities.A self-centered cheater who bullies his way through life will never work towards a good marriage.
Life's too short and you and your kids deserve better.Move on before he does more damage to you all,because I'm sure your children feel the effects of his behavior as well.
Take care and I hope all goes well with your son's surgery.