Re: MY husband said he wish i would die
I did not know I was emotionally abusive, it took a sit down with our MC to drill it into me. I thought that I was just 'stressed out'. I was doing things like making my wife feel guilty for wanting to do her own things (we have two young kids, so I would use the story that I would have to be 'alone' taking care of the kids), I was gaslighting, several times during our 13 year relationship I broke things or put my fist through a wall in anger, I would yell (never called her names, but would raise my voice and 'snap'), etc. It is embarrassing behaviour, I can't believe that I had become that person.
The decision to seek counselling for my abusive behaviour came from my wife's decision to separate from me. It was a massive wake up call for me. The only two people on this earth that I loved more than my wife are my kids. I say 'loved' because we are having some major relationship issues right now, she had an EA due to being so unhappy in our marriage, we're like oil and water right now and are planning to go 'no contact' for probably 3 months starting next week because we are getting nothing accomplished continuing to communicate while separated, if anything it's making it worse (keep on opening up old wounds).
Now my decision to continue counselling is for me. I do not like the person that I had become, and if I can't save this relationship I need to make the next work much better. It deeply saddens me that I have hurt my wife so much that she has become a shell of the person that she once was, and she was the most beautiful person I had ever met both inside and outside. She is still absolutely gorgeous in my eyes, but her inside is shattered, and I'm responsible. She is in weekly IC counselling now as well to help her with her self esteem and self worth that I have destroyed over the years. I also need to be a better person for my kids, as my abusive behaviour was starting to spill over onto the way I was dealing with them misbehaving (they're young, both under 6). My time now with the kids is a million times better, but still needs some improvement. Hopefully one day I'll get out of this pattern fully and that my wife will give me another chance. Right now she is saying that she cannot see us together in the future however has not asked for a divorce, and we've agreed on the no contact that we will be starting next week (next week because we want to sit down and define together what no contact means for us individually, it's tough because of the kids of course).