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Do You Think The Past Matters In A Relationship?

16K views 32 replies 19 participants last post by  I'mInLoveWithMyHubby 
#1 ·
Do You Think The Past Matters In A Relationship? Is it ok for your husband or boyfriend to have secrets about things that has happened prior to your relationship?
 
#7 ·
FINALLY, a statement where my husband is different than you Stonewall !!

Nope, me & mine appreciate the learning of the little things , the big things, the BAD, even the insignificant - not because we "demand" it, just because if one asks, we wouldn't want silenced, put off, told it is none of our business ,or not something we need to worry about.

Neither one of us are the judgemental type, we understand people make mistakes, screw up, human nature is sometimes weak.... I even see this subject as an outward sign of "vulnerability"....which is GOOD for future marraiges.... If there were some BAD things, embarrasing, even criminal ...... the learning of those mistakes, lessons -how one overcame, the talking of regrets, growing from them......and the willingness to openly share them is ...something very very valuable..... IT even speaks of someone's character (in my opinion) -to be able to go there. (I am talking once a couple is very serious -thinking of marraige )

I understand others are NOT like this, but for me, it would seriously be a DEAL BREAKER....if a man was unwilling or gave me "attitude" for asking.....it'd be ...."another one bites the dust" - he is not the man for me!

My husband would not count it a "deal breaker", but he has told me I am "one in a million" cause of my openness which he appreciates tremendously....not that my life was so very exciting- that would be a laugh...but the willingness to allow him into my whole world.

We both feel the past can play a part in who we are today, if we have unresolved baggage....such events can help shape & mold us along the way, our attitudes, our beliefs.... whether that be for the good or the bad. I was rather angry when we met, it helped him to know the WHY's behind my attitude....

Like if you come across an old photo album at his/her parents house, to sit, Reminisce, allow the other in ..sharing those old memories... the stories BEHIND the photos ..... That builds even more of a connection, to be able to take our lover down that path with us.

This by no way means that a relationship can't be wonderful without this level of openess, but I do strongly feel ...You need to be on the same page with it. Or it CAN cause problems down the line.

 
#3 ·
Some people THINK they want to know the truth about a partner's past. But they're not really. It would depend on what kind of secrets you're talking about, though... I cheated in my marriage, and I expect that's something will have to be disclosed in any future relationship, even if it means risking the relationship.

C
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#5 ·
I agree; it depends on the secret. I believe there is a saying that the best predictor of the future is the past. If I met a nice, sweet lady and discovered she been on drugs and killed her last husband, yes, it could make a difference. I'm being a bit extreme, but I suppose everyone gets the point.

To not know major things about a person's past would just be too weird to me.
 
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#12 ·
The lady is in a difficult spot. She doesn't want to lie but she knows it will bother him.
Hurt the relationship. It's a no win for her.
The reason I disagree with you is twofold. First, she is who she is. Her past is a fact. It does reflect who he is marrying. He has a right to know. If there is something embarrassing (or worse), she can explain the circumstances to him. He has the right to make his decision, whether or not she likes the decision and whether or not anybody else would think it a reasonable decision.

Secondly, in the future the truth is likely to come out. The lie will be worse than the truth. Then the trust will be destroyed. If the truth is something he cannot live with now, it is better to get to rejection now. Actions have consequences, and if something she did in the past comes back to bite her now, that is a consequence of her choices. She does not have the right to deceive her fiance in order to protect herself.
 
#10 ·
I think the past is what makes us who we are TODAY so yes I want to know about it. Do I need to know every little insignificant detail? No.

Disclaimer: I got married young and yes I wanted to know how many partners he'd had. Not details just a number. I didn't want to marry a pick up artist.
 
#11 ·
I think a person has the right to honest answers to questions, and to open disclosure by the other person of anything possibly relevant.

If you don't feel any need or desire to know about something, you don't have to ask. For example, how many people the other person has had sex with. If you don't care, don't ask.

But if you ask, you deserve a 100% openly honest answer. If the other person does not want to be openly honest, they have the right to say they do not want to answer. You can then decide if this is enough to call off the relationship. The other person does not have the right to lie to you for any reason.

If there is something important in their past, it should be fully disclosed to you so that you can make an informed decision. This disclosure should be made without you asking, because you cannot possibly think of every thing to ask about. Many things may be culturally or religiously based, such as virginity or substance use. In addition they should reveal anything which reflects on who the person is. For example criminal arrests or bankruptcy or infidelity in previous relationships. Things which might affect you should be revealed, such as children from a previous relationship, criminal history, significant family situations, etc. Any history of sexual or violent abuse or assault should be fully disclosed whether or not the person feels any current affects from the abuse/assault.

Privacy is ok, but not secrecy. You have the right to make a fully informed decision about whether to continue a relationship.
 
#13 ·
The answer should be simple.

Both partners have the right to know anything they want.

And both partners have the right to refuse to say.

Where the two conflict, there's either compromise or no relationship.

The fallacies are in trying to attach rules that should be applicable to all, and in saying that one attitude is healthy and the other isn't. It's something between the two partners as individuals with their own individual concerns and experiences.

I never paid much mind to my wife's past, but I most likely should have. If there's a next time for me, you can bet that I'm going digging.
 
#19 ·
I don't think the past itself matters so much to me, as the openness about it does.

I am an open book. If you ask me a question about my past, you WILL get an answer whether you're going to like it or not is not my problem.

If someone is avoiding discussions about their past, refuses to answer questions or never ever seems to have anything to say about it what so ever, then something doesn't sit right with me.

Everyone has some baggage, and everyone has done something not so wonderful, but hiding it is where it poses a problem more so than whatever "it" actually might be.
 
#22 ·
I get so frustrated when I can't type what I mean. Rereading my posts, it does seem like I was irritated about it.

No, I don't think someone should lie about their past, but I don't think they should have to share in detail either. For example: I'm obviously not a virgin, I was married and have 4 children. My fiancee is obviously not a virgin, he was married and has 1 child. We have talked about things we've done in the past, but never have we went into detail.

He knows I have had a few partners, I know he's had a few partners, I don't know what he did with them, nor does he know what I did with mine. We never went into how many (mine isn't an obscene amount, and I don't think his was either) the details of their bodies (names, breast size, penis size, how good or bad they where) We did discuss our first times. I guess for myself, that is the relevant information.

I don't think it helps anyone to know that Betty had a man 20 years before she met Jim who had a 12 inch penis and could last for an hour, what good does that do Jim to know how big her past partners penis was? If she loves Jim, and she shared with Jim that she wasn't a virgin, she has a past.

I've known a lot of guys and gals who've gotten bent out of shape over the fact that they did press for details and they didn't like what they heard. So yes, while secrets are bad (like not being honest about your past) privacy is okay (being intimate with someone at a time before you ever met your S/O and not having to share the details of that partners body, or the intimacy you shared with them).
 
#23 ·
No. I take time getting to know people for who they are now--and that is what is important about the past: how someone has used it to become the person they are now.

Someone wrote that they want to know number of past partners b/c they didn't want to marry a pick up artist--but the way I see it, # of partners tells you very little about who they are now. Someone who struck out a lot in the past could have perfected his/her technique and be on their way to breaking a personal record; someone who played that game when young may have outgrown it.

1-2 years getting to know someone is so much better than anything they tell you. And if it's fun, who cares about the passing of time?
 
#27 ·
Call me insecure, but I'd want to know if her past included gender change, acts of terrorism, axe murdering former husbands, espionage, 47 marriages, or satan worship.

Just kidding, obviously, but I think there are key differences in how we apply this to former loves of another person, for instance. If something bad happened to her, or if she had multiple lovers, these are the kinds of things that I wouldn't push her into revealing. However, integrity is a big deal, so if she ever cheated, or intentionally hurt people through deception, without a dramatic life change, it would be far easier to move on.

--Whether kidding or otherwise..

Transparency and Mature Understanding with the Basis of Integrity...need to be maintained..The Past , I feel may be revealed without Fuss.
 
#28 ·
I would want to know a little, past partners no, just basic details.

It is really what ever the other person wishes divulge.

I never ever want to be involved with a passive aggressive again, but i think i'd spot it now anyway.

There is a new guy on the cards for me so this is relevant.
 
#31 ·
I want to know your past to know how bad, or good, of a decision maker you are. Now whether I accept that information and choose to date you is my choice. I do want to know how many partners you've had, did you have protected sex with them, was there ever any abuse(baggage you might bring over). These things tell me what type of people you seem to attract and if I want to have a person that comes with drama in MY life. And the other person should be able to get that from me. And like another person said, if you ask, i'll respond. Doesn't mean you'll like what you hear, but, too bad. Same goes for me.
 
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