Hello I am brand new to this forum. I have been married 2 1/2 years but together for almost 6 years. We have had quite the rollercoaster ride but I feel like the last year has been the worst. My husband seems to go up and down in his attitude and moods. One day I'm the best wife ever, than the next day when I ask him to do something I'm annoying and have and attitude. Sometimes when I ask him something he totally snaps and says I have a attitude and gets really mad. Then of course I cry and then he says Im just a wreck all the time. During these "episodes" he will also make rude remarcks hinting toward a divorce. He tells me that he will be more romantic and lovey when I start to be more "kinky" in the bedroom.(Which I have tried several things I would normally not do) I feel like I can't win. I don't want to try harder if he isn't going to try at all. I just don't know what to do. How am I supposed to try harder in the bedroom if he wont even hold my hand or cuddle without a fight?!
I was starting to act in a slightly similar way. I was very hot and cold, i could blow up over silly things, giving the silent treatment and constantly nagged my husband. I then wondered why my husband wasn't more loving and more complimentary towards me!!
In the end i had a good long hard look at myself. I asked myself 'would i fancy me?' the answer was no! As long as your husband is acting this way it will always be more difficult for you to satisfy his need for more in the bedroom as i imagine you probably resent him for treating you like this.
Since i have made a conscious effort to change back to the old me (fun, letting the little things go...), my husband has changed too. It has had a very positive impact on our relationship.
I think you should be very open and honest with him and how he makes you feel. If he is constantly hinting about divorce then you should ask him out right if that's what he really feels or if he only saying it to hurt you.
If he loves you and wants this marriage to work then he must make some changes but firstly he needs to recognise that he needs to make the changes. Good luck.
Maybe he is bi-polar, though typically bi-polar disorder doesn't have such rapid swings. They're usually spaced farther apart, like every two weeks or more. Believe it or not it could even be a food allergy or something like that. I've seen it numerous times, though mostly with kids.
There is no conclusive test for bi-polar disorder and the medications are very hit-and-miss, with potentially damaging side-effects. I wouldn't discount them entirely, but meds for behaviour problems are a last course of action, IMO, unless someone is really unable to function. But maybe he could see a shrink, a doctor, or even a naturopath to see what they tell him. Diagnoses can help clarify your decisions of where to go from there.
For mood problems of all kinds I find that some of the most reliable things to help are:
look from a guy's point of view who has know men like your husband... You can't win, ever. He either has some sort of mental issue or is just a class A jerk. First off, he does not respect you, i mean, if you were to berate and have someone do something they would not do, would you respect them?? And why should you do things you would not do if he wont treat you first like a man in love with his wife? He says he will be more loving if you do this or that? What kind of BS is that?? Sure as a guy, I like it when me and my wife get a little crazy in the bedroom, but only if she is into as well. I have found that treating her as an equal, not my doormat, and not her's either, it works pretty well. Sure it's not perfect and we have our down periods like anyone else in a LTR, but I still always try to treat her as an equal. All I'm saying is set some boundaries, you should never have to do something you don't like to get the affection of someone who loves you.
I just don't know what to do. How am I supposed to try harder in the bedroom if he wont even hold my hand or cuddle without a fight?!
The fact he can not even give you THIS much of himself- in the affection area , he does not sound like a husband who is caring about YOUR needs at all.
A husband who wants more Excitement in the bedroom needs to learn how to be a gentleman outside of the bedroom (for the majority of the time anyway) wooing her , making her feel loved, apprecaited & desired sexually - this will build the woman's confidence towards her man & she will in turn want to please him & get more kinky.
He is shooting himself in the foot. Sounds like he needs a class on Anger managment.
Thanks for all the helpful tips! I know he is not bi-polar but he does have adhd but I don't think that will really be whats causing it. I think he has been "self medicating" for some ridiculous reason (he thought I didnt know) and I'm wondering if thats were all this anger is coming from. I flat out told him what I think he is doing is stupid. I just think now after paying more and more attention to his daily routine he like runs to friends houses to just pick something up and is gone for hours, or he is never home when he says he will be. I think I have a bigger issue of some kind of addiction on my hands. Im not sure how handle that. I maybe should find a addiction forum! My goodness will this ever end!! Thanks again for all your help and for reading my rambling!
Are you for real?You have been married for 2/yrs and you basically are saying you don't know what to do with this man you married, and you are scared of anything remotely reminded of kink..GOD help us...and your
DH...let his guard down...give your husband what he wants sexually and stop *****in.....krimey, ......let down the noose...if you dont want to screw your man...why did you marry him....cut him some slack........stop complaining ..........no pity for u
I never said I don't want to have sex with my husband at all. Im asking for advice on how we can BOTH get what we WANT out of our marriage without it being a fight or one of us feeling unwanted. So thanks for your input
That was a very uncalled for response. She isn't whining, or expecting pity, she is hoping for ADVICE AND ANSWERS and I think she has every right to be concerned with regards to her husband based on what she has written. Thank you.
I understand that you are not feeling "special" or "desired" by him. You might think that you have agreed to do what he wants in the bedroom so therefore he should now have all these warm feelings for you. Do you think that just agreeing to be more kinky in the bedroom shows true "desire" for your husband? Over the past few years have you regularly acted like you wanted him by flirting with him, initiating sex, or just telling him you think he is hot? Men need to feel wanted by their wives. He is sending you a message that he does not feel wanted so he is becoming bitter and resentful towards you. Just agreeing to be more kinky in the bedroom is not fulfilling for him. Acting like you are attracted to him and YOU want to be more kinky in the bedroom with him BECAUSE you are attracted to him might do wonders for your marriage.....just a thought. By the way, I am not dismissing his contributions to your problems because he will need to change his ways as well....
Hey all thanks for more advice. Yes I perhaps haven't been the most doting wife. We have perhaps hit a rut. I do enjoy sex with my husband and try. My issue is half the time he doesn't ever come sleepin the bedroom saying things like " I just sleep better on the couch" or " I can't help it I just fall asleep watching TV" but of course these are said after I have asked him to come lay with me for the night or ask him to try to sleep with me. I feel like everything I do I do alone and the lonesomeness is catching up with me. I can't be more exciting in the bedroom if every attempt I make to get you to join me is ignored Posted via Mobile Device
Don't ask him to sleep in bed with you.....make him WANT to sleep with you on his own. You're a woman...use your sex appeal, flirt with him, act interested in him, have a tickle fight, whatever....But, don't be frustrated if he doesn't respond right away....keep at it. Overall make him KNOW that he is a priority to you and he is important to you. The resentment he feels will eventually go away and he will feel compelled to want to please you.....that's the theory anyway. Posted via Mobile Device
One more thing.....this is important....pick out something you two had an argument about where he was telling you something he didn't like or something that was bugging him and address the problem without him asking. Make him feel heard and he will start to hear you. Posted via Mobile Device