Hi Everyone! I have posted once before on this forum but it was quite some time ago. I hope you guys can help me out with my issues that I'm facing in my marriage. Sorry if I'm long winded but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about all of this face to face who isn't biased towards one side.
My husband and I have been married a little over two years now. He was the doting, loving boyfriend prior to our marriage...the one who always held open a door, paid for everything, and went out of his way to make me feel special. Two years into this marriage, I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I am not a perfect person but I have gone above and beyond where I should to make sure my husband feels appreciated and loved with very little in return.
A little background: My husband is a very hard worker at his job, a quality that I'm very appreciative of. He works Monday-Friday (10 hour days) with the occasional Saturday to make a little extra. I am a full-time Nursing Student, along with holding down a Part-time job of my own to make a contribution to our income. I am totally understanding of the fact that he is tired when he comes home, as well as understanding that while he's gone, I should do my best to keep the house in order and put food on the table. However, what I am not understanding of is him constantly bringing home his bad attitude about his job home to me. Everyone hates a job they've had at one time or another...I get that. But I think it's part of what is contributing to this lack of attention/affection that I'm experiencing. Also, there is an 8 year age difference between us (I'm 27 and he's 35). Despite our being busy, there are still several hours in the day that we have to spend together.
Now, to the things that are bothering me:
- We do not have sex any more. We have not had sex since December, which is the longest we've ever gone without it. I have done everything I can think of to try and interest him, including buying new sexy lingerie, sexy surprises and other things. He is not taking any kind of medication that might diminish his sex drive, so I really don't know what the deal might be. But it bothers me immensely. He will snuggle up to me in the bed but he won't even try to become intimate. It's one thing to be tired, but not for 2 months.
- When I try to question him about something, he gets all in a wad, like I shouldn't be questioning him at all. It's quite annoying because all I'm doing is making sure that I have a full view of whatever it is we are talking about, or to clarify something. What makes this even more frustrating is when he gets mad about something because then he doesn't talk at all. There have been evenings where we have gone about our business in silence because he won't talk to me, even after questioning him.
- He will not talk to me about things he gets mad about until I pry it out of him. He says that this is because of his dad, who was the "strong and silent" type and that's where he learned that. I think that this is a line of bull to try and keep me from asking or talking about whatever the issue is.
- We constantly argue over money (a typical young couple issue) and how bills should be paid. He has basically said to me that it's his money and that he can do what he wants with it. Yes, he is the primary monetary source but there are two of us in this. Example: We came by a little monetary boost a couple of months ago and decided together that we should save a portion of it and use the rest to catch up on some bills. Well, I check the bank account later on that day and almost the entire amount of the portion put into our account was spent on a hunting purchase. When I questioned him about it, he said that he needed this particular item for an upcoming hunt and that he wanted to return the same item that he'd been using that a friend let him have. That's fine to want to try and return it but he should've at the very least talked with me about it, ya know? I go and get my hair cut and colored the same week and he flips his lid about how much it was (nevermind that it was the same amount it's always been).
- We constantly argue about family. We both have large families and there's always a birthday or a family function occurring. I have never said that we have to go to every single little thing but I've never skipped out on something without a good reason. He recently told me that he didn't want to go to anything on either side a good bit of the time because it was all too loud and that they were just going to try and get in his business. I told him I thought this was ridiculous because a family is going to act the way they want and sometimes you have to just deal with it in order to get along. At Christmas, he actually yelled at me and upset me 5 minutes before we went into a Christmas play that my niece was in because he was pissed about us playing "Dirty Santa" gift exchange at the family Christmas Eve party (which we do EVERY year). I have been to numerous functions on both mine and his side of the family without him. This really makes me angry because we are supposed to be a couple, not me being the representative for us.
- He barely touches me and constantly picks on me all the time. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve but it's gotten to a point where it really hurts my feelings, even when it's not that mean (maybe because of everything else that's happening). He never wants to hold my hand or kiss me just because like he used to. Many nights he falls asleep on the couch watching tv and doesn't bother to come get in the bed. As a way to spend time with him, I try to stay up and watch some of his shows with him and be interested in them.
Maybe I'm over-reacting but I'm just not happy. I've been dealing with all of this for over a year now and no amount of talking it out, yelling, giving the "silent treatment", or ****ing an attitude back has helped because at the end of the day, he's made up his mind that he is going to do whatever in the heck he wants. It's hard to try to work and talk things out when the other person is turning a deaf ear to you. I love my husband and I know that there must be something bothering him but I wish he would talk about it. I've racked my mind to think of what I could've done and I've even encouraged him to verbalize ways that I could be better if there's something I've done. He was never like this before we got married and even into the first few months of our marriage.
I want to fix this. I'm tired of going to bed alone and wondering what I've done wrong. I'm tired of voicing my opinion only to be treated like a 12 year old in return. I'm tired of getting up early and staying up late to make sure things get done, only to be ignored most of the time for the few hours that we have to spend together each day.
I need advice! Help! :scratchhead:
My husband and I have been married a little over two years now. He was the doting, loving boyfriend prior to our marriage...the one who always held open a door, paid for everything, and went out of his way to make me feel special. Two years into this marriage, I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I am not a perfect person but I have gone above and beyond where I should to make sure my husband feels appreciated and loved with very little in return.
A little background: My husband is a very hard worker at his job, a quality that I'm very appreciative of. He works Monday-Friday (10 hour days) with the occasional Saturday to make a little extra. I am a full-time Nursing Student, along with holding down a Part-time job of my own to make a contribution to our income. I am totally understanding of the fact that he is tired when he comes home, as well as understanding that while he's gone, I should do my best to keep the house in order and put food on the table. However, what I am not understanding of is him constantly bringing home his bad attitude about his job home to me. Everyone hates a job they've had at one time or another...I get that. But I think it's part of what is contributing to this lack of attention/affection that I'm experiencing. Also, there is an 8 year age difference between us (I'm 27 and he's 35). Despite our being busy, there are still several hours in the day that we have to spend together.
Now, to the things that are bothering me:
- We do not have sex any more. We have not had sex since December, which is the longest we've ever gone without it. I have done everything I can think of to try and interest him, including buying new sexy lingerie, sexy surprises and other things. He is not taking any kind of medication that might diminish his sex drive, so I really don't know what the deal might be. But it bothers me immensely. He will snuggle up to me in the bed but he won't even try to become intimate. It's one thing to be tired, but not for 2 months.
- When I try to question him about something, he gets all in a wad, like I shouldn't be questioning him at all. It's quite annoying because all I'm doing is making sure that I have a full view of whatever it is we are talking about, or to clarify something. What makes this even more frustrating is when he gets mad about something because then he doesn't talk at all. There have been evenings where we have gone about our business in silence because he won't talk to me, even after questioning him.
- He will not talk to me about things he gets mad about until I pry it out of him. He says that this is because of his dad, who was the "strong and silent" type and that's where he learned that. I think that this is a line of bull to try and keep me from asking or talking about whatever the issue is.
- We constantly argue over money (a typical young couple issue) and how bills should be paid. He has basically said to me that it's his money and that he can do what he wants with it. Yes, he is the primary monetary source but there are two of us in this. Example: We came by a little monetary boost a couple of months ago and decided together that we should save a portion of it and use the rest to catch up on some bills. Well, I check the bank account later on that day and almost the entire amount of the portion put into our account was spent on a hunting purchase. When I questioned him about it, he said that he needed this particular item for an upcoming hunt and that he wanted to return the same item that he'd been using that a friend let him have. That's fine to want to try and return it but he should've at the very least talked with me about it, ya know? I go and get my hair cut and colored the same week and he flips his lid about how much it was (nevermind that it was the same amount it's always been).
- We constantly argue about family. We both have large families and there's always a birthday or a family function occurring. I have never said that we have to go to every single little thing but I've never skipped out on something without a good reason. He recently told me that he didn't want to go to anything on either side a good bit of the time because it was all too loud and that they were just going to try and get in his business. I told him I thought this was ridiculous because a family is going to act the way they want and sometimes you have to just deal with it in order to get along. At Christmas, he actually yelled at me and upset me 5 minutes before we went into a Christmas play that my niece was in because he was pissed about us playing "Dirty Santa" gift exchange at the family Christmas Eve party (which we do EVERY year). I have been to numerous functions on both mine and his side of the family without him. This really makes me angry because we are supposed to be a couple, not me being the representative for us.
- He barely touches me and constantly picks on me all the time. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve but it's gotten to a point where it really hurts my feelings, even when it's not that mean (maybe because of everything else that's happening). He never wants to hold my hand or kiss me just because like he used to. Many nights he falls asleep on the couch watching tv and doesn't bother to come get in the bed. As a way to spend time with him, I try to stay up and watch some of his shows with him and be interested in them.
Maybe I'm over-reacting but I'm just not happy. I've been dealing with all of this for over a year now and no amount of talking it out, yelling, giving the "silent treatment", or ****ing an attitude back has helped because at the end of the day, he's made up his mind that he is going to do whatever in the heck he wants. It's hard to try to work and talk things out when the other person is turning a deaf ear to you. I love my husband and I know that there must be something bothering him but I wish he would talk about it. I've racked my mind to think of what I could've done and I've even encouraged him to verbalize ways that I could be better if there's something I've done. He was never like this before we got married and even into the first few months of our marriage.
I want to fix this. I'm tired of going to bed alone and wondering what I've done wrong. I'm tired of voicing my opinion only to be treated like a 12 year old in return. I'm tired of getting up early and staying up late to make sure things get done, only to be ignored most of the time for the few hours that we have to spend together each day.
I need advice! Help! :scratchhead: