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is cybersex the same as cheating?

15K views 86 replies 43 participants last post by  Caligyrl 
#1 ·
I found out my husband was having cybersex, was really upset and couldn't understand why he would do that. I felt it was the same as cheating. He said it was nothing and he was just exploring because he says I’m too prudish. He admitted he would like me to talk 'dirty' and do raunchy things. He felt he couldn’t ask me or talk to me about it because he didn't think I would be interested so he ended up chatting online which led to cybersex. He said he's really sorry and doesn't want to loose me and it won't happen again but I just need to understand what he wants.
I'm not sure I can trust him. I know it was online and not the same as an actual affair but its still like cheating and I don't know if I can trust him in the same way.
I do still love him and I agree that I can be a little prudish but I feel he should have talked to me about how he felt. I’m confused about what to do. Please advise.
 
#29 ·
It depends on where boundaries are set. For my husband and I it would be cheating. I don't consider porn cheating though as long as I get mine. We've even watched porn together. The more sex we have the less porn going on. Definitive boundaries should be set. Ask him how he would feel if you did the things he did.
 
#31 ·
Because it may or may not be a gateway doesnt make it cheating. It's cheating because it's using someone else to fulfill your emotional/sexual needs that's not your wife. It's a question that has to be answered by every couple. Some couples for the same reason may view porn as cheating, whereas others would not consider any form of cyber sex cheating.

The true litmus test is, does the behavior have to be hidden. If both couples are OK with it, then there is no reason to hide it. If one person feels like they have to conceal the behavior, then it's cheating.

Back to my original statement, if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, it's cheating. It can be as innocent as conversation, or as serious as sexual relations.
 
#32 ·
Hi Blu Sky sorry you are here. I would consider it a EA and i would also consider it cheating He is getting his emotional needs outside of your marriage. Normally its only a matter of time before this type of activity turns into a full blown PA or physical affair. In an effort to reestablish trust with him he needs to display transparency in all areas such as cell phone, computer passwords and emails. This type of affair is hard to break and i would also consider some MC as well. He needs to get Honest with you about exactly what he has been doing on the internet and you should be able to ask any and all questions you feel you need too. After all these are his actions Just my opinion
 
#34 ·
This isn't necessarily true. Many couples do not mind if their spouse indulges in a bit of porn and/or masturbation on their own once in a while. For them, it wouldn't be cheating. For others it would. There's a grey area where couples need to define their own boundaries, for themselves.
 
#37 ·
I was curious what my wife thinks about cybersex and whether or not it is cheating in her mind and she said that she would not consider it to be cheating.

I have never done the cybersex thing but I do live in a sexless marriage so I was curious what my wife would think if I did it. I didn't make it a big conversation but I was just curious what her opinion was.
 
#38 ·
He is not sorry he knew what he is doing

This is a huge red flag.

I'll post later what i think you should do. This man has already broken your trust and now your heart hurts and your mind and heart are fighting on what to do and its not how a marriage should go you should not have pain of your spouse lusting after others and emotionally and or physically cheating on you or both.
 
#44 ·
Let me give you two scenarios...

1) Homeless, penniless person goes into a convenience store and steals a loaf of bread because they are hungry

2) 'Person' old goes into Apple store and steals an Iphone4 because their friend has one

They are both guilty of theft.....but is one more understandable than the other?
 
#47 ·
Like has been said already many times in this thread, each couple needs to decide for themselves what constitutes cheating. And unless boundaries are clearly stated before they're crossed, don't expect to be on the same page about it either, when one spouse ends up sending nude photos and sexy chats/emails to someone else whom they've never met and tries to use the fact they've never met as an excuse.

The ONLY true thing that can be said for every couple is that if it isn't something that both spouses would agree is ok, then it's cheating. So if I have agreed to never show another man my ankles and I do, then I have cheated on my husband. And if I have agreed that my husband can hire escorts when away on business trips, then he isn't cheating when he does so.
 
#52 ·
If you have to hide, sneak, or lie to do it; then it's cheating!!

If you're guilty of any of those behaviors to have: Cyber sex, phone sex, online sex, porn sites, or all of the above, then it's obviously not consensual/ agreed upon in your relationship therefore I would consider it cheating.

I personally feel if my DH has to turn to these avenues to have a 'happy ending' then I'm not doing my job!

I also feel that when/if it gets to the point where H/W can't 'get off' with their spouse without involving the any of the other 'avenues' is when the extracurricular activities have become a problem/addiction that needs to be dealt with.

If your relationship is such that you feel free to partake of said activities, then great!!!! But let the rest of us who disagree with you have our opinions as well. Doesn't make any of us wrong; just different.
 
#53 ·
OK..you folks have taken the wrong idea-perhaps I wasn't clear that my simple explanation does not include masturbation. The porn sites I was referring to were the pay ones where you have a girl "talk" you off, or you join a porn forum, or subscribe to a "Playmate" type thing.
Just watching porn and masturbation is NOT cheating.
Also...if you and your spouse are in agreement on something-those are the defined rules and do not come into the 'cheating' arena.
Hope that helped clarify.
 
#57 ·
Just read this whole thread again. There are so many variations as to what different people consider cheating.

As I said before, it is up to you and your partner to decide what is right or wrong. No one here can do anything but give you their opinion. There is no strict/legal/universal definition of cheating that everyone must abide to. Each couple needs to set their own boundaries.
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#60 ·
Isn't the 'desire to cheat' where actual 'cheating' begins?

People typically don't do ANYTHING without first wanting/desiring to do it.

I agree with HOPE1964 - I would also consider it being unfaithful! The pain of knowing your spouse/significant other wants/desires someone else is not diminished in the least by the absence of the physical act itself. It still hurts you to the core!!!!
 
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#61 ·
I agree that often a desire must be there but the logic is not absolute. In other words it is not always the case that if someone has the desire to cheat that they will in fact commit a physical act.

With that said, it is fine that you find it wrong and unfaithful..you have every right to determine what you accept and do not accept and no one can take that away from you!
 
#64 ·
I think it is cheating to...my husband of almost 28 years hasn't done that as far as I know. He did get his feeling hurt at me - felt neglected - and I have to admit I take this wonderful man for granted - but he decided to go to the strip club. He thinks I'm really ticked off about that but the reason I'm so hurt is because since I thought that if he was hiding that what else was he hiding so I started snooping....on his computer I found that he had registered on a singles dating site and said he was 29....as far as I can tell he hasn't been talking to anyone on there. He didn't put is picture or correct state on there so at least I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning on meeting anyone. I feel very betrayed because I would never do that to him.
 
#67 ·
I imagine that he was putting up the ad because he was unhappy with his sex life and was looking for another partner.

I agree, clearly that is a very bad sign. My comment was more just thinking about doing it as opposed to what your husband did for 2 years.

Why was your ex so unhappy in your sexual relationship that he felt the need to look online for other women?
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#68 ·
Don't know if you were asking me, but here you go

1) He's not my ex, we are reconciling
2) We had a fairly good sex life while all this was going on
3) he is a sex addict
4) he has historically turned to seeking sexual release when he feels isolated and alone, whether that be in a relationship or not.
5) Despite the ok sex life, our relationship was really crappy in pretty much every other respect. He chose to solve this by seeking intimacy elsewhere.
 
#70 ·
I have learned that an important thing to remember about men is that they make mistakes just like women do. Oftentimes a man is scared of upsetting his woman by bringing up sexual things, because he doesn't want to put pressure on her to try them. Most likely he wants to try the things he chatted about "in general", meaning he would with you in real life if you were into them. I think what he did was avoid communicating with you about his feelings, and its important to think back to your previous reactions to his honesty with other things. If someone feels afraid you will get angry they might hold back, and try suppressing what they feel and avoiding the conversation. Is what he did actual cheating? I think that is only something you can decide based on your on values, and idea of right and wrong. The fact he apologized was a good thing, and he also took a step forward in expressing what he wanted (again, good). I understand you feeling hurt (i would too!), but the main issue is to help him see he can (and should) *always* communicate with you about his feelings. I always say to my fiance "ask me, the worst I can say is no". You have a right to ask for his honesty, and even tell him if you're uncomfortable with him doing that. I think you two should work it out, because his going off to fantasize about it with someone else solves nothing for either of you in the long run. In the mean time? forgive yourself as well if you feel guilty for your feelings, because we're all human. You have a right to feel hurt, I would too. You two can work through this!
 
#73 ·
I think it depends on the relationship. I think that in some relationship it may not be tolerated and in other cases it might be fine. It is best to talk to your partner and see how they feel as I think that would be the most important thing to do.

I am sure there are websites promoting many different ideas but I think it is important that every couple have open communication and dialogue to see how they feel about all different issues.
 
#74 ·
yes!! To me it is anyway..

Everyone has their own definition of what cheating it.

But cyber sex is wrong when you are in a committed relationship..

Just because it was "online" doesn't mean anything.. Cheating is cheating online or offline
 
#76 ·
You may need counseling. At first a breach of trust seems like something small, but deciet and lies are like rungs on a ladder.
If you step off a little rung, you can slide way down.

Rebuilding genine trust takes years, and can only take a few incidents to occur. I think you are very smart getting advice and attempting to find a solution to your scenario.

Do not sweep this type of behavior under the rug.
 
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