I'm sorry but I find it awful that people just have a "black/white?" version of cheating, that cybersex and porn is cheating.....bam tey are like that's it, end the mariage, I don't like it, it's cheating.
been there, done that.
it most certainly is black and white.
Lusting for anyone else, cyber or not, when in a committed relationship is CHEATING!!!!!
COguy said it best - If you have to hide what you're doing then you shouldn't be doing it. If DH didn't think anything was wrong with it, then why did you have to 'catch' him at it?
GAsoccerman is correct..... the sexy/hot pics from you to DH is a good idea. My DH travels extensively, occasionally as a surprise, I'll send him one (some hotter than others). The first time I sent one, the blown away response he had was priceless. There are poses/ways you can do it to where it shows very little - sometimes in this case, less is more!! DHs want to know you care enough to do what it takes to show them YOU want them. It's more of a turn on for them to see a pic of someone they know they can eventually touch.
Yes, it's cheating. He is getting some of his sexual/emotional needs met by someone outside of the marriage, and it's taking him away from the marriage. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with it.
He needs to stop his outside activities and refocus his energies on you and the marriage. At the same time, the both of you need to talk about how you go about meeting each other's needs so that this really doesn't happen again. More importantly, your husband needs to commit to earning your trust back by not engaging in cybersex or chatting with women online and being transparent in his actions and words.
Yes it felt like cheating to me when my ex was engaging in it. I wonder how your husband would feel if the tables were turned and it was you in front of the computer. My ex surely didn't like the thought too much.
Each couple needs t determine what their boundaries are. For some couples this would be considered cheating and for other couples this might be an ok activity. My wife, for example, does not think that kissing someone else is cheating...although she agrees it is the wrong thing to do, she does not define it as cheating. Other people might define kissing someone else as cheating. You two need to agree on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. It really doesnt matter if it is cheating though because if it bothers you so much, he should stop doing it simply because he loves you...regardless of whether he considers it cheating or not. Posted via Mobile Device
Read my story (link in sig) My husband cheated on me over a period of nine months exclusively on line. He was also looking to hook up with someone physically. He finally did, after I kicked him out.
If you feel betrayed by it, and he hid it from you because he knew you wouldn't approve, and it involves sexy talk or emotional involvement, then it's cheating.
And saying that just because it never went physical it's somehow 'lesser' cheating is BS. People may try to define degrees of cheating just to salve their own conscience or justify something to themselves, but the hurt a betrayed spouse feels doesn't depend on someone else's opinion.
It's a matter of degree but it's still cheating. The bigger problem is that he doesn't see anything wrong with it and is completely insensitive to your hurt in regard to the situation which means he's going to keep right on doing it and quite often it can escalate to the real thing.
I might even define it as worse than a physical affair because its creating an emotional bond first, then meeting a physical need. A physical affair could be a one off that is just to satisfy an urge (still wrong). The cyber thing is a thought process and carefully planned out action.
As to you being prudish. Only you can decide where you are comfortable and what is appropriate. Changing because he cheated is crap. He will just move the goal post and tell you that he wants more and your not delivering, so he's getting it online again.Guilt is never a motivation to give.
If he wants to experiment, then it's on him to earn the trust, take the lead, respect your boundaries, and be completely honest with you and himself. He failed at every one of those points.
The problem is that there is no clear cut, 100% definition of cheating. On the other hand, adultery is more clearly defined (legal sense)
Excluding adultery, everyone defines cheating the way they want. Your husband may not consider what he did to be cheating but you might. Regardless of what terminology you use, the two of you must set clear boundaries as to what is acceptable in your relationship.
As to different "levels" of cheating that people refer to, once again this is completely arbitrary. Cheating can be considered unethical but one person can not decide for everyone else what everyone's morality should be. What is moral to one person may be immoral to another. This of course is very different than what is considered legal.
My point here is that just because people on here say that it is cheating does not mean that it is or is not. It's just an opinion that can be debated endlessly...but you have to decide for yourself what you are comfortable with...and even if it's not cheating it doesn't necessarily mean it is the right thing to do. Posted via Mobile Device
It depends on where boundaries are set. For my husband and I it would be cheating. I don't consider porn cheating though as long as I get mine. We've even watched porn together. The more sex we have the less porn going on. Definitive boundaries should be set. Ask him how he would feel if you did the things he did.