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is cybersex the same as cheating?

15K views 86 replies 43 participants last post by  Caligyrl 
#1 ·
I found out my husband was having cybersex, was really upset and couldn't understand why he would do that. I felt it was the same as cheating. He said it was nothing and he was just exploring because he says I’m too prudish. He admitted he would like me to talk 'dirty' and do raunchy things. He felt he couldn’t ask me or talk to me about it because he didn't think I would be interested so he ended up chatting online which led to cybersex. He said he's really sorry and doesn't want to loose me and it won't happen again but I just need to understand what he wants.
I'm not sure I can trust him. I know it was online and not the same as an actual affair but its still like cheating and I don't know if I can trust him in the same way.
I do still love him and I agree that I can be a little prudish but I feel he should have talked to me about how he felt. I’m confused about what to do. Please advise.
 
#3 ·
If he's justifying his actions, he's probably not fully sorry. But if he is, it wouldn't be a bad thing to have a chat where he tells you what he would like sexually. Maybe try something new.

BTW, it's really easy for chatting online to drift into cybering. The boundaries are not as easy to feel as when you're flirting face to face. I'm not excusing what he did, though. If he can't see the boundaries they need to be further back. I.e., not chatting to women at all.
 
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#55 ·
Whenever I hear about a man cyber sexing online, I imagine the man chatting sexually with a 40 year old man, with a hairy back, huge belly, greasy hair, who lives in his mom's basement who is online pretending to be a hot chick. Because seriously, without a cam, you really don't know who (or what) you are cyber sexing with.
 
#5 ·
Hi blu sky,

I will be watching this thread because that's where I'm at now, too. I've got to learn to trust my husband who has promised to stop his internet sexual activities. We are going to try to rebuild the trust and honesty. It's going to be hard: I have to trust that he will stop - he has to trust that I won't invade his privacy by snooping through his credit card bills.

I'm finding the most important tool is communication....we have to keep talking
 
#10 ·
I'm sorry but I find it awful that people just have a "black/white?" version of cheating, that cybersex and porn is cheating.....bam tey are like that's it, end the mariage, I don't like it, it's cheating.:mad:

Blu Sky my question is, has he done anything Physical? :confused:

If not, then let's see if we can "fix things"

Did you ever see the movie Grease? where ONJ was a "good girl" and turned into a "bad girl" but not really to get her man back?

Have you ever sent your husband a "dirty text message" or a "naughty picture of yourself" or a tempting picture of yourself to his cell phone unexpected? like a naughty pic stating...."can't wait for you to come home and take me!" soon as he comes home he'll bust through that door and throw you on that bed.

You see my wife was always a good catholic girl, it took her a while to "warm up" to being a sexy woman instead of the cute girl. YOu don't have to be a Vixen all the time, just enough for him to know, you like to be somewhat naughty...for him and you have sexual desires as well.

here is a good pic to start...go to the bathroom and in the mirror take a pic of yourself in just a pair of shorts and a Scarf, with the scarf over your neck and covering your nipples only, send the pic to your husband, say, " I'm cold, can you warm me up?" send it in the morning when he goes to work....tease him the rest of the day....his head will race, he will get hornier and hornier....until he gets home....where you are waiting....with a nice sexy outfit on.

Guys like the "tease and flirting" IE I'll take a pic of my wife in a sexy bra and panties or outfit, over a naked pic.....half the fun is unwrapping the "package"

my advice to women is men like to be flirted with and teased, tempt us, if marriage is just bickering and "work"...well we will take off or find someone else to play with and for the record so will women if the hubby is no fun.

For instance, my wife can't walk by me without me grabbing her butt or breasts asking if I can get some, or pulling her in the other room away from the kids to make out with her for a few seconds....marriage it is constant.
 
#13 ·
While I did say that cybersex is cheating, I didn't say it's grounds for instantly terminating the marriage. Kissing someone else is physically cheating, but I'd say that's not necessarily grounds for ending a marriage either. It's when someone refuses to acknowledge and stop the problem behavior that things really need to escalate. Or if the BS is past the point of being willing or able to try to heal the marriage.

C
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#14 · (Edited)
Try cyber sex WITH him.... it might be easier for YOU to get kinky online and then eventually take it to the bedroom!

Edited to add:

I have to trust that he will stop - he has to trust that I won't invade his privacy by snooping through his credit card bills.

Noooooooooooo..... he as to EARN your trust. You did trust him, he blew that. You are being to nice, and probably naive. He must give you complete transparency ....passwords, yes credit card bills, block his favorite sites, everything. He doesn't get off this easily. HE blew the trust, HE has to make considerations. He is no longer entitled to any privacy! Why on Earth would you trust him? It makes no sense.
 
#75 ·
Try cyber sex WITH him.... it might be easier for YOU to get kinky online and then eventually take it to the bedroom!

Edited to add:

I have to trust that he will stop - he has to trust that I won't invade his privacy by snooping through his credit card bills.

Noooooooooooo..... he as to EARN your trust. You did trust him, he blew that. You are being to nice, and probably naive. He must give you complete transparency ....passwords, yes credit card bills, block his favorite sites, everything. He doesn't get off this easily. HE blew the trust, HE has to make considerations. He is no longer entitled to any privacy! Why on Earth would you trust him? It makes no sense.


My thoughts exactly, he doesn't deserve your trust right now. YOU did nothing wrong. HE DID!
 
#16 ·
Lusting for anyone else, cyber or not, when in a committed relationship is CHEATING!!!!!

COguy said it best - If you have to hide what you're doing then you shouldn't be doing it. If DH didn't think anything was wrong with it, then why did you have to 'catch' him at it?

GAsoccerman is correct..... the sexy/hot pics from you to DH is a good idea. My DH travels extensively, occasionally as a surprise, I'll send him one (some hotter than others). The first time I sent one, the blown away response he had was priceless. There are poses/ways you can do it to where it shows very little - sometimes in this case, less is more!! DHs want to know you care enough to do what it takes to show them YOU want them. It's more of a turn on for them to see a pic of someone they know they can eventually touch.
 
#18 · (Edited)
Yes, it's cheating. He is getting some of his sexual/emotional needs met by someone outside of the marriage, and it's taking him away from the marriage. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with it.

He needs to stop his outside activities and refocus his energies on you and the marriage. At the same time, the both of you need to talk about how you go about meeting each other's needs so that this really doesn't happen again. More importantly, your husband needs to commit to earning your trust back by not engaging in cybersex or chatting with women online and being transparent in his actions and words.
 
#20 ·
Whilst i do feel it is cheating to a certain degree i also think it is easier to forgive as there is no physcial contact.

I would be deeply hurt and it would take some repairing but as his hands haven't actually touched another body i think it is something i could deal with... eventually.

He should have spoken to you about his needs and temptations first, that way you could have had the opportunity to fulfil them.

I do not think that porn is cheating and think that it can really spice up your sex life provided you both agree and are comfortable with it.

Hope you manage to sort things out.
 
#21 ·
Each couple needs t determine what their boundaries are. For some couples this would be considered cheating and for other couples this might be an ok activity. My wife, for example, does not think that kissing someone else is cheating...although she agrees it is the wrong thing to do, she does not define it as cheating. Other people might define kissing someone else as cheating. You two need to agree on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. It really doesnt matter if it is cheating though because if it bothers you so much, he should stop doing it simply because he loves you...regardless of whether he considers it cheating or not.
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#22 ·
Read my story (link in sig) My husband cheated on me over a period of nine months exclusively on line. He was also looking to hook up with someone physically. He finally did, after I kicked him out.

If you feel betrayed by it, and he hid it from you because he knew you wouldn't approve, and it involves sexy talk or emotional involvement, then it's cheating.

And saying that just because it never went physical it's somehow 'lesser' cheating is BS. People may try to define degrees of cheating just to salve their own conscience or justify something to themselves, but the hurt a betrayed spouse feels doesn't depend on someone else's opinion.
 
#23 ·
It's a matter of degree but it's still cheating. The bigger problem is that he doesn't see anything wrong with it and is completely insensitive to your hurt in regard to the situation which means he's going to keep right on doing it and quite often it can escalate to the real thing.
 
#24 ·
Obviously, to each their own...

But mine are here:

Pr0n - not cheating
Online w/ another person - CHEATING
Inter-species Erotica - illegal (insert Clerks2 joke HERE)

I also don't approve of online flirting AT ALL. I'm putting my foot down on that tonight.

Basically, if your relationship needs aren't being addressed by your relationship.... why are you in that relationship?!

Again - these are my boundaries.
 
#25 ·
Hell yea, its cheating.

I might even define it as worse than a physical affair because its creating an emotional bond first, then meeting a physical need. A physical affair could be a one off that is just to satisfy an urge (still wrong). The cyber thing is a thought process and carefully planned out action.

As to you being prudish. Only you can decide where you are comfortable and what is appropriate. Changing because he cheated is crap. He will just move the goal post and tell you that he wants more and your not delivering, so he's getting it online again.Guilt is never a motivation to give.

If he wants to experiment, then it's on him to earn the trust, take the lead, respect your boundaries, and be completely honest with you and himself. He failed at every one of those points.
 
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#28 ·
The problem is that there is no clear cut, 100% definition of cheating. On the other hand, adultery is more clearly defined (legal sense)

Excluding adultery, everyone defines cheating the way they want. Your husband may not consider what he did to be cheating but you might. Regardless of what terminology you use, the two of you must set clear boundaries as to what is acceptable in your relationship.

As to different "levels" of cheating that people refer to, once again this is completely arbitrary. Cheating can be considered unethical but one person can not decide for everyone else what everyone's morality should be. What is moral to one person may be immoral to another. This of course is very different than what is considered legal.

My point here is that just because people on here say that it is cheating does not mean that it is or is not. It's just an opinion that can be debated endlessly...but you have to decide for yourself what you are comfortable with...and even if it's not cheating it doesn't necessarily mean it is the right thing to do.
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