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-   -   is cybersex the same as cheating? (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/39876-cybersex-same-cheating.html)

blu sky 02-11-2012 11:45 PM

is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
I found out my husband was having cybersex, was really upset and couldn't understand why he would do that. I felt it was the same as cheating. He said it was nothing and he was just exploring because he says Iím too prudish. He admitted he would like me to talk 'dirty' and do raunchy things. He felt he couldnít ask me or talk to me about it because he didn't think I would be interested so he ended up chatting online which led to cybersex. He said he's really sorry and doesn't want to loose me and it won't happen again but I just need to understand what he wants.
I'm not sure I can trust him. I know it was online and not the same as an actual affair but its still like cheating and I don't know if I can trust him in the same way.
I do still love him and I agree that I can be a little prudish but I feel he should have talked to me about how he felt. Iím confused about what to do. Please advise.

PBear 02-11-2012 11:51 PM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
As a guy who's been there, done that, yes, it's cheating. He's getting his intimacy needs met by someone other than his spouse, and investing his time, energy, and emotions in a relationship outside the marriage.

He needs to understand why he did that, so the two of you can make sure it doesn't happen again.

C
Posted via Mobile Device

MSP 02-12-2012 12:01 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
If he's justifying his actions, he's probably not fully sorry. But if he is, it wouldn't be a bad thing to have a chat where he tells you what he would like sexually. Maybe try something new.

BTW, it's really easy for chatting online to drift into cybering. The boundaries are not as easy to feel as when you're flirting face to face. I'm not excusing what he did, though. If he can't see the boundaries they need to be further back. I.e., not chatting to women at all.

blu sky 02-12-2012 12:43 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
thank you for reassuring me that it is cheating and i'm not blowing it out of proportion.
We have talked things through and he knows he was wrong.
we want to work things out but any ideas on how to build the trust again?

jourdepaye 02-12-2012 07:50 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by blu sky (Post 586008)
thank you for reassuring me that it is cheating and i'm not blowing it out of proportion.
We have talked things through and he knows he was wrong.
we want to work things out but any ideas on how to build the trust again?

Hi blu sky,

I will be watching this thread because that's where I'm at now, too. I've got to learn to trust my husband who has promised to stop his internet sexual activities. We are going to try to rebuild the trust and honesty. It's going to be hard: I have to trust that he will stop - he has to trust that I won't invade his privacy by snooping through his credit card bills.

I'm finding the most important tool is communication....we have to keep talking

2nd_t!me iz_best 02-12-2012 08:17 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
myself, i even consider porn cheating to a degree, so live cyber-sex?
absolutely.

Jellybeans 02-12-2012 08:18 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
Yes it's cheating. If you were getting off w/ someone else it would be cheating too.

that_girl 02-12-2012 09:32 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
To build trust, it just takes time. And maybe no computer for a while. I dunno.

sigma1299 02-12-2012 09:39 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
I'm like PBear. Been there done that, and yes, it's most definitely cheating.
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GAsoccerman 02-12-2012 10:02 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
I'm sorry but I find it awful that people just have a "black/white?" version of cheating, that cybersex and porn is cheating.....bam tey are like that's it, end the mariage, I don't like it, it's cheating.:mad:

Blu Sky my question is, has he done anything Physical? :confused:

If not, then let's see if we can "fix things"

Did you ever see the movie Grease? where ONJ was a "good girl" and turned into a "bad girl" but not really to get her man back?

Have you ever sent your husband a "dirty text message" or a "naughty picture of yourself" or a tempting picture of yourself to his cell phone unexpected? like a naughty pic stating...."can't wait for you to come home and take me!" soon as he comes home he'll bust through that door and throw you on that bed.

You see my wife was always a good catholic girl, it took her a while to "warm up" to being a sexy woman instead of the cute girl. YOu don't have to be a Vixen all the time, just enough for him to know, you like to be somewhat naughty...for him and you have sexual desires as well.

here is a good pic to start...go to the bathroom and in the mirror take a pic of yourself in just a pair of shorts and a Scarf, with the scarf over your neck and covering your nipples only, send the pic to your husband, say, " I'm cold, can you warm me up?" send it in the morning when he goes to work....tease him the rest of the day....his head will race, he will get hornier and hornier....until he gets home....where you are waiting....with a nice sexy outfit on.

Guys like the "tease and flirting" IE I'll take a pic of my wife in a sexy bra and panties or outfit, over a naked pic.....half the fun is unwrapping the "package"

my advice to women is men like to be flirted with and teased, tempt us, if marriage is just bickering and "work"...well we will take off or find someone else to play with and for the record so will women if the hubby is no fun.

For instance, my wife can't walk by me without me grabbing her butt or breasts asking if I can get some, or pulling her in the other room away from the kids to make out with her for a few seconds....marriage it is constant.

CruxAve 02-12-2012 11:05 AM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
No doubt. And deviant.

COguy 02-12-2012 02:07 PM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
If he wouldn't do it with you standing right next to him it's cheating...this sounds like it would go in that category.

PBear 02-12-2012 02:11 PM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
While I did say that cybersex is cheating, I didn't say it's grounds for instantly terminating the marriage. Kissing someone else is physically cheating, but I'd say that's not necessarily grounds for ending a marriage either. It's when someone refuses to acknowledge and stop the problem behavior that things really need to escalate. Or if the BS is past the point of being willing or able to try to heal the marriage.

C
Posted via Mobile Device

SunnyT 02-12-2012 02:23 PM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
Try cyber sex WITH him.... it might be easier for YOU to get kinky online and then eventually take it to the bedroom!

Edited to add:

I have to trust that he will stop - he has to trust that I won't invade his privacy by snooping through his credit card bills.

Noooooooooooo..... he as to EARN your trust. You did trust him, he blew that. You are being to nice, and probably naive. He must give you complete transparency ....passwords, yes credit card bills, block his favorite sites, everything. He doesn't get off this easily. HE blew the trust, HE has to make considerations. He is no longer entitled to any privacy! Why on Earth would you trust him? It makes no sense.

2nd_t!me iz_best 02-12-2012 02:30 PM

Re: is cybersex the same as cheating?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by GAsoccerman (Post 586266)
I'm sorry but I find it awful that people just have a "black/white?" version of cheating, that cybersex and porn is cheating.....bam tey are like that's it, end the mariage, I don't like it, it's cheating.:mad:

been there, done that.
never again.
it most certainly is black and white.


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