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Old 02-16-2012, 10:03 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

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Originally Posted by Kimberley17 View Post
That's over and I want to know if I can get things back on track.
What if you ditched the selfish "I don't want to fake it" attitude and resolved that love is just as much an act as a feeling?

You don't sleep with your husband (much if at all). You were gone enough to conduct an affair, so he probably suspects something went on. Yet he remains in the home. Assuming he does not have serious self-esteem issues (meaning he wants out but is afraid to leave), he seems like a pretty good guy.

How about you recognize this, be grateful that he's still around, and let that feeling of gratitude lead you to cheerfully rock his world. This is not faking it. If you can't see the circumstances and cheerfully give to him, you have some serious issues.

The best thing you could do for your marriage is to come clean, ask for forgiveness, and give to him what he deserves but you withhold from him yet gave willingly to the OM. Like it or not, you cheated on him and if you are honest with him (and yourself) you have to prove yourself to him. This is in addition to any personal therapy you need to resolve your own issues.

If it helps, think of this sort of loving sacrifice as practice for the rest of your marriage. Do you honestly think that this (or any) marriage will work if the sexual relationship is based on how horny you are for him? What if he based what he did for you only on what he felt like?

There is a thread around where a very wise lady has resolved to take a "servant heart" towards sex. This is instead of the more usual approach where ladies base sex off of "wanting it" and possibly putting the burden on their husbands to "earn" it instead of seeing it as part of the commitment of marriage. Read it and see if it is something you would be willing to try.

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Old 02-16-2012, 10:07 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

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thats a tough one if you can truley put it behind you and recommit then maybe.

but if he find out and you didn't tell him that would be worse.

good luck
Agree.

Why would you want to keep it from him?

If you don't plan to treat him better but just do not want to suffer any consequences, that's a horrible reason. Man up and accept what's coming. You owe him honesty at least.

If you truly want to rededicate yourself to him and rock his world like he deserves, then I could understand that.
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Old 02-16-2012, 10:16 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

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fearful55, at this point I do not plan to tell him about the affair. It is my personal choice and one I know that most around here wholeheartedly disagree with. I understand the fact he has the right to know but that is my position at this point in time. How did your wife find out about your infidelity?
I gotta ask, if you get that he has a right to know, yet you refuse to tell him anyways, what is your justification? How is the effect on you from telling him so great that it outweighs his acknowledged right to know?

From here, it sounds like all your talk about getting IC is just talk. You seem interested in making yourself feel good and getting on an even keel. Being good to your husband is only a secondary consideration.

Please take what I'm about to say seriously. I was married to someone with this "I matter more" sensibility. If you think you feel bad now, try being on the sh!t end of that mindset. Treating him like he matters as much as you do is essential if you want a good, lasting marriage. If you can't suck it up enough to make this happen, you should leave him and take only the minimum, because he deserves someone who values him for him, not just for what he can provide.
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Old 02-17-2012, 09:37 AM   #64 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

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fearful55, at this point I do not plan to tell him about the affair. It is my personal choice and one I know that most around here wholeheartedly disagree with. I understand the fact he has the right to know but that is my position at this point in time. How did your wife find out about your infidelity?
This does not surprise me. Your posts come across as you believing that you are more important than your husband. Your concern about getting attraction back is about you. Your affair was about you. Not telling your husband about the affair is about you. This has been a pretty consistent theme.

Is anything about your husband? Consider that for a topic with your IC.
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Old 02-17-2012, 09:48 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

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After I stayed out too late one night with a poor explanation, she looked through the cell phone records. I kept the calls to/from my cell to a minimum but there were still enough to spot.
If we get a wrong number at the house phone Her Majesty gets weird......at me.
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Old 02-17-2012, 10:23 AM   #66 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

No matter how good a wife you become, if the truth of your affair is discovered, he will feel that he has been living in a lie. The chances of the marriage ending will be high and he will never forgive you for having robbed years out of his life that he could have used to move on with his life.
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Old 02-18-2012, 07:15 PM   #67 (permalink)
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I so feel your pain.

I am in a similar situation. I am in my sexual prime. All I do is think about sex all day long. I swear I can have an orgasm just thinking about sex. Unfortunately, when it comes to my husband I am completely numb. Sex usually ends up with my completely unsatisfied. He is still strongly attracted to me and I comply because I know it is my duty.

But it kills me because I want both of us to be with someone who can't wait to have sex with us. (Not together obviously, you know what I mean!)

I am at a loss as well. I wish you the best as you figure out your next move.
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Old 02-18-2012, 07:15 PM   #68 (permalink)
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I so feel your pain.

I am in a similar situation. I am in my sexual prime. All I do is think about sex all day long. I swear I can have an orgasm just thinking about sex. Unfortunately, when it comes to my husband I am completely numb. Sex usually ends up with my completely unsatisfied. He is still strongly attracted to me and I comply because I know it is my duty.

But it kills me because I want both of us to be with someone who can't wait to have sex with us. (Not together obviously, you know what I mean!)

I am at a loss as well. I wish you the best as you figure out your next move.
Why did you marry him? Money? Security?
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Old 02-18-2012, 08:17 PM   #69 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

Some of morturi's avatars crack me up.
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Old 02-18-2012, 11:06 PM   #70 (permalink)
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A couple of months ago some things were said to me by my husband that opened my eyes.
If you don't mind me asking, what did he say?
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Old 02-19-2012, 06:44 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

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No matter how good a wife you become, if the truth of your affair is discovered, he will feel that he has been living in a lie. The chances of the marriage ending will be high and he will never forgive you for having robbed years out of his life that he could have used to move on with his life.
Mori, why is it that wayward spouses never seem to think that their affairs will be discovered? They almost always are and it makes things 100x worse for having been lied to.
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Old 02-19-2012, 07:57 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

Most people make almost no effort NOT to be discovered. And since most people are not high functioning retarded it leaves only that either they don't care or they want to be discovered because it's the coward's way. And again, unless you're a clinical paranoid, if you THINK something's going on, it probably is, or something quite like that.
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Old 02-19-2012, 09:53 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Mori, why is it that wayward spouses never seem to think that their affairs will be discovered? They almost always are and it makes things 100x worse for having been lied to.
Don't know but whether they like to admit it or not, the affair has changed them and the change is often noted by their betrayed spouses. I can almost wager that Kim's husband has noticed the change in her. He may not be able to pinpoint the truth but he knows something is different with regards to his wife. I also felt this change in my ex-wife but it wasn't until I found that video of her and the OM engaging in sex that I finally knew what was behind that change. Sooner or later the truth does come out, just ask that Italian man in his 90's who is divorcing his wife of 60 something years because he recently discovered letters from her to her lover during WWII. To him the marriage is a huge big lie.
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Old 02-19-2012, 10:28 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Paulination, I don't mind you asking, thank you for asking. I will eventually tell my whole story. But the short version is We were married for 13 years have a 13 year old and a 10 year old. We owned our own business for 13 years as well. The business is now closed. We emotionally disconnected about 4 years ago. With our business closed, our house sold and personal bankruptcy started, I thought we could make a new start which included our relationship.

I kept hounding him to talk to me about us. He wasn't responding at all. Finally I forced him into a corner and he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I took a bullet to the heart. I thought all along he would be happy to have a new beginning for our relationship but he already left the marriage. My husband is a loyal man and I'm a loyal woman so there were no affairs PA or EA.

I was so hurt and scared of losing him I was a mess. I didn't know what to do so one day I googled My husband loves me but is not in love with me and ended up here. This was in December 2011. I've been lurking and building our marriage since then. What I've learned here and through reading books recommended on here has helped. I finally joined this month because I hoped our experience could help another marriage and for support.

We are slowly getting back. I get impatient at times. I want the connection now. But it took us a long time to get to this place it'll take a while to get out. I can see the progress weekly. I still hope that I didn't realize how much I love my husband to late.
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Old 02-21-2012, 12:10 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Default Re: No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

It's going to take a lot for me to post this, but I am...

Kimberly, I feel like I am living exactly what you are. I also had an A (yes I know I will get slack for that). It is something I regret doing, and I wish I didn't have to live with the guilt daily. My H is a beautiful person, and doesn't deserve a wife who betrayed him. He too does not know of the A, and I do not plan on filling him in as of today. We have come a long way since I ended the A, but still a long way to go.

The A started because he wasn't there for me emotionally. Someone else all of a sudden was. We fell hard and fast, and the sexual and emotional connection was out of this world. Now today, I struggle with having that intensity with my H, and being fully attracted to him because of the OM I was with, and because of the heavy feelings of guilt looming overhead.

I screwed up. I need to live with this for the rest of my life. I get that. I don't think many people can understand 'that' pain, and feelings of having done so wrong.

My H and I have been together for a long time. We have 4 young children. I owe it to all of them to try as hard as I can to 'fall in love' with my H again, and give them a life they deserve no matter how I feel.

It's a work in progress. Some days easier than others. I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone, and I am glad to have read you are on the right track. (hugs)
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