No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(

Kimberley17 · 02-15-2012, 09:10 AM

I know a lot of you have felt or feel this way.. I wish so bad I could get it back but don't know how. Any advice? Has it ever left and came back for any of you and if so HOW?? I no longer feel like a wife should feel about her husband as far as love goes which I also wish I could get back. I avoid sex as much as I can but sometimes I have to give in. It's a terrible feeling and I am so lost. Any advice wouldbe great and very much appreciated.

Heavyhearted · 02-15-2012, 09:14 AM

Is he physically attracted to you? If not, how would you feel about that? What would you want him to do to get that feeling back? How would you feel if he avoided having sex with you? Do you think it would help or hurt?

SadSamIAm · 02-15-2012, 09:15 AM

Has the feeling gone away because his physical appearance changed? Is it natural change (balding, etc.)?

Is it because of resentment over other issues?

Your husband knows you are avoiding sex. If he is like most men, this is how he feels loved. It is the worst thing you can do to him.

You need to either step up and be a wife or leave him so he can find someone that can.

Kimberley17 · 02-15-2012, 09:17 AM

Yes, he says he is attracted to me and he wants me to desire him. I know it hurts him which is why I am asking for advice. Sure I can step up and be a wife but I'll be faking it. I want to FEEL it. And yes, I'm sure it boils down to buily up resentment so maybe couples counseling? I'm at a loss.

ScaredandUnsure · 02-15-2012, 09:21 AM

I would be so hurt if I found out my fiancee wasn't attracted to me anymore. It would break my heart to know he was having pity sex with me.

Kimberley17 · 02-15-2012, 09:21 AM

It does not have anything to do with physical changes. He looks the same as when we got married. I think you hit it when you mentioned built up resentment. At this point I wouldn't care if he avoided sex with me. I wish he would. If it was earlier in the marriage when everything was going well it would have hurt. I don't know what I would have wanted him to do to get it back. If I knew that I'd do it. Do you think you can get it back once it's gone??

Kimberley17 · 02-15-2012, 09:22 AM

Yes, scaredand unsure, I know! I can't help how I feel or don't feel. No one is offering any advice on how I can get it back though.

ScaredandUnsure · 02-15-2012, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kimberley17

It does not have anything to do with physical changes. He looks the same as when we got married. I think you hit it when you mentioned built up resentment. At this point I wouldn't care if he avoided sex with me. I wish he would. If it was earlier in the marriage when everything was going well it would have hurt. I don't know what I would have wanted him to do to get it back. If I knew that I'd do it. Do you think you can get it back once it's gone??

I think MC would be a good place to start. That and letting go of old resentments. Couldn't do much more damage than what's happening now, could it?

Heavyhearted · 02-15-2012, 09:29 AM

Kimberly17-

I get the feeling that sex is not the only thing you have witheld from him over the years. Do you regularly pull away when you don't automatically get from him what you want? You are doing that with sex and it will make things worse. Talk to him about letting go of the past and each of you should OWN your part in it. Then make a plan for how you will change the marriage so that each of you feels like they are receiving fulfillment.

SadSamIAm · 02-15-2012, 09:32 AM

If resentment is what is causing it, then that is what you have to deal with. Talk to him about it. If you guys can't get passed it, then maybe see a Marriage Counselor.

Are you justified in your resentment? Not sure what it is about, but you need to have an open mind.

If it is over something that you know you will never get over, then you should let him go.

okeydokie · 02-15-2012, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kimberley17

It does not have anything to do with physical changes. He looks the same as when we got married. I think you hit it when you mentioned built up resentment. At this point I wouldn't care if he avoided sex with me. I wish he would. If it was earlier in the marriage when everything was going well it would have hurt. I don't know what I would have wanted him to do to get it back. If I knew that I'd do it. Do you think you can get it back once it's gone??

just a word of warning. i am a husband with a wife with issues you describe. as a result i have become totally detached from my marriage and am at a crossroads today as to whether it will continue. I will not give her what she needs anymore when i get nothing in return. this issue can destroy a marriage.

have you thought about his contributions to your situation? are there thing he can personally do or change that might help you feel more attracted to him?

i applaud you for asking for help. i sincerely hope you find what you are looking for.

Heavyhearted · 02-15-2012, 09:36 AM

okeydokie- I know exactly where you are coming from....I'm in a similar situation.

Kimberley17 · 02-15-2012, 09:48 AM

HeavyHearted you seem very bitter. I have not withheld anything from him and I don't view this as withholding sex from him. I am not attracted to him. It is supposed to be something I want to do only I don't. It's not deliberate. I am asking for help to turn this around before I bail and destroy my family. I have young kids to think about and want to try everything to attempt to fix it if at all possible.

Kimberley17 · 02-15-2012, 09:49 AM

Ah ha heavyhearted, the truth comes out. I was hoping to get objective opinions on here, not judgement.

Heavyhearted · 02-15-2012, 09:54 AM

It's not judgement. Being that I have been in a similar situation, I can see it from another point of view than you. You have built your wall and your husband will pay the price for your lack of communication and the fact that you wish to punish him by controlling sex. I do see your point though and I know that it is hard to move past the resentment. But, if you came on here looking for cheerleaders, you should move on.