Jaxie

I posted this in the Addiction Forum, but thought I might get more responses here. So here it is...

My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years, together for 2 before. We always had the plan that he would be the breadwinner and I would work for supplemental income if possible. However, that is not what has happened.

After dropping out of community college and then getting dropped from his online college, and THEN not applying by the deadline for ANOTHER community college,my husband still has no education and a very low paying job. However, in the time we have been together, I went back to school and got a Masters degree and work in a profession and make most of the money. I am very unhappy in my job, I commute far and worth with a population I do not enjoy. I have been "forced" to do this because if I do not, we wont have money to pay the bills.

After many years of asking and not getting real answers, I finally broke down and asked why our deal is still not happening and why he is doing this to me. He responded by telling me that he has been addicted to porn for our entire relationship and hid it from me. He said he would spend hours sleeping then waking up on his days off and watching porn for hours and then quickly try to get stuff done so it looks like he was doing something all day.

I was extremely shocked to hear this. However, it explained a lot. I finally felt like I had an answer to why he has been stagnant for years. He claims he hasn't looked at it since, and is trying to get his stuff together. But I don't know if it is really the addiction that has caused this, or if he just had a motivation problem. He wants me to wait around and see if he gets better. But I feel angry that he has wasted 8 years of my life while I built a future for us and he was looking at porn the whole time. I feel like I shouldnt have to sit by and wait for him to go through college now and support us. We want kids and were trying to get pregnant before he revealed this to me.

I just don't know what to do. I want my marriage to work out but I haven't been happy in many years and I am only 28 and we have no kids. I don't want to give up and regret it though either. Do you think it is unrealistic that he will really change? He has agreed to change and seems to be doing what he is supposed to right now. But I have heard and seen this before. In a few weeks, he usually goes right back to the way he was.
He does have an appointment to see a counselor though next week. He is an artist and also has ADD problems. Any help or insight to this problem would be great. I am really lost.

AFEH

You have a passenger for a husband. Like a lodger who doesn’t pay his way. The guy is not motivated to do the right things. I don’t think he ever will be motivated while you are there paying his bills. He probably wont even be motivated if you leave him. A lot of artists are like that. Some are massively talented but their motivation often seems somehow screwed up.



You are still young but the clock is most certainly ticking. I think you need to ask yourself can you afford to waste another 6.5 years, at least.

SomeLady

He may change, but not for you. He's got all the time in the world to realize that he lost a good thing, do the work to become a better man, and marry someone else.

You do not have that time. Tick-tock, darling!

Jaxie

That is one of my biggest frustrations. I don't like the idea of just waiting around and seeing if he changes. The only other choice I have is to leave but I can't because I will be losing my job in June. So I will have to wait until after that. So I guess I will have to wait until then. It is so hard living like this

chillymorn

most likely he will not change.


your young at 28. would you want him to be the father of your children?


if not then cut your losses.

sorry to say.

good luck

Jade247

How long ago did you find out about the porn?

Jaxie

Thanks for your responses. I found out about the porn in December. It's not even the porn that bothers me as much as what has been wasted because of it. I am mad that he didn't do what he said he was going to do. And that now, at 30 years old, he has to start college so one day he can make a living. I just feel like I have already been there done that and wish my partner was more mature in that area. I am sick of supporting him.

I actually think he would be a good dad (porn aside). It is the husband part he is not so good at.

AFEH

You really think the guy would make a good dad? How does a man who willingly sponges off of his wife for years become a good dad?


Being a good dad is all about setting an example. Children learn by mimicking their father's behaviour.

letstalkmarriage

Hi, I'm sorry your husband has wasted so much of your time but I strongly advise that you leave him before you have children. Trust me, once you have children you will be even more "trapped" to stay and you choices become more limited because then you will stay because you don't want to separate your kids from their dad. You are still so young, you can get a new work and find a man who deserves you!

that_girl

Do not have children with this person. You will be doing it alone, even if you don't leave.

But seriously, why would he change? He has a good life.

YOU can change though...stop worrying about him and what he does, and worry about you. Lord knows he's not worried about you.

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