CrazyGuy

Ladies please help me. I am clueless. I have seen other women post how there guy is not emotionally there and when they go through the list of things they are describing it describes my wife, not me. But my wife has always told me that I am distant and not there emotionally. I think she has caused the wall but blames me. So if you could, what does emotionally not there mean to you? And please do not mention lack of sex as a reason. I am already jealous of those stupid men that do not satisfy there wife that way. Buy the way the only demands I get are money/security and work around the home.

lovesherman

Your wife sounds like she may be an acts of service person, so my list may not apply to her. I am a words of affirmation and touch person.

My husband supports me emotionally by listening to me and by sharing his feelings with me. When I tell him about a bad day that I've had, he listens sympathetically without giving me advice. He tells me about his day, letting me into his world. He does not bury himself in sports or video games.

When our children were young he always supported me in disciplining them. If we disagreed, we discussed approaches privately, never in front of them. We never let them play one parent off against the other.

We also learned how to fight fairly in the first year of our marriage. No name calling, no belittling, no contempt for the other person. If things got too heated, we stopped the discussion.

He makes me feel loved by hugging me for no reason, by kissing the back of my neck, by slapping my behind. He tells me that I am beautiful and that he is lucky to be my husband. That makes me feel emotionally secure.

Hopefull363

When emotional needs for either spouse are not being met for a long time, emotional separation occurs. After the emotional separation sometimes resentment starts brewing. I liked the book His Needs, Her Needs. Read the book then ask her to read it. After try and discuss what both of you have been missing. It takes a while to emotionally detach so it may take a while to reattach. Sometimes life gets so busy that each others emotional needs get put aside without even realizing it. Think back to when you where dating and first married. What little things did you do to make her feel loved and important?

CrazyGuy

Yes, she is acts of service. But I can not do enough of them to ever make her happy. Or I did them wrong.

For those little things I did when we dated she told me she does not like them.

Hopefull363

If she didn't like what you were doing before you got married, then why did she marry you?
What acts of service do you do? Maybe they are the wrong ones. Ask her what she needs and what she wants. Tell her what you need and what you want. See if there is middle ground to make you both happy.

Jellybeans

What makes someone unemotionally there?:

Not listening
Not validating
Not caring
Not communicating
Not being supportive
Not doing the little things
Not rememebering important things
Not being romantic
Not loving the wife the way she should be loved

This is a danger zone--if a woman tells you that she feels you aren't emotionally there for her, this should be a HUGE indicator to you that she is not happy w/ the marriage/relationship and it has room for improvement.

Women NEED that emotional connection to their partner to feel loved and to love (and for sex). Once this starts slipping, it's NOT good. especially if it snowballs.

Ask her what she feels you do that is emotionally distant and ask what she needs from you> Listen/validate and also tell her what things she can improve on/you can improve on TOGETHER.

Jellybeans

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

MSP

What she means is that she has dominated you to the point where she's now less attracted to you than to the guy at her office. Read this blog.

Bottled Up

You say your wife is an Acts of Service person, but this comment right here leads me to believe that Words of Affirmation may very well be just as important to her, if not more important. Is it possible she has 2 Love Languages and you've been neglecting one of them all this time???

CrazyGuy

In the test she was highest by far in acts of service. She tied in second place in three categories, words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch.

I am highest in physical touch and (2nd) words of affirmation.

All she does is criticize me and withhold sex. So yes, I know plenty about resentment.

I am starting to think that acts of service means "I am lazy and selfish, do the things I do not want to do."