Unhappy Husband need advice
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Old 02-28-2012, 05:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Unhappy Husband need advice

Well here is my story again! I have been married going on 18 years with 2 kids 14 and 10 both boys. My wife and I only fight and argue about sex or the lack and quality of it. I am no push over but I do my fair share of cooking, cleaning,running the kids to appointments ect ect. My wife never ask for sex and only gives it to me to shut me up, its not intimate or fun and she treats its just like a chore she needs to get done. I always compliment her and tell her she is sexy but she just blows it off. She never tells me I look nice or any compliments what so ever. We are both good looking and in decent shape. I try to talk with her about this and it just leads to her getting angry and walking away. I am really not looking for sex every night just a few nights out of the week with some quality and a sense that I actually satisfied her after we afterwards. She does not like anything no oral, no touching her there no boob touching and 1 position only ( missionary ). I bought her a vibrator and she rarely lets me use it and I know she does not use it. She does give me Oral sometimes and it is nice but again she treats it like a chore. We both work but again I do my fair share and we have a house cleaning service so we can have time to relax and not be so busy with everything else going on. By no means do I think I am not smothering her but sometimes do show my frustration/ resentment towards her for our sexual situation. On valentines day I had already fed the kids and when she got home I had cooked one of her favorite meals and had it set up romantically with wine and had great conversation but nothing not even a kiss?? I almost cheated on her a few years back but did not and will not cheat on her. I am about to throw in the towel and seperate from her to see if we can fix this problem. Any suggestions from you ladies on what I can do to help my situation without seperation?
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Old 02-28-2012, 05:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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It's you, not her. Fix yourself. Your expecting and demanding sex is not sexy at all.

Learn to be emotionally connected to your wife, she'll desire you. Meet her needs, your not meeting them btw. You need to find out what they are.

Maybe your being to pushy in the sex department.

My husband doesn't expect anything whatsoever, therefor there are no resentments held. I do the same for him.

He's never ever pushed for sex, he meets my needs(which mainly is affection). My husband has always put his needs before mine these last 12/13 years and we have a wonderful marriage. Since we've been emotionally connected, I ask for sex daily. I fear of being to pushy. I desire him for all he does for me and he gives me the affection I need.
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Old 02-28-2012, 05:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

I do not demand sex but i do expect it as every other guy does due to the fact that we are male. When I said I DO to her it did not include I do agree to a marriage with no sex! If I dont ask her for sex we would never have it we have gone weeks without sex if I do not ask for it! There is nothing wrong with me and I do listen to her and try to figure her needs out which are a moving target! I give her affection, she just refuses it. I tried the I love you text, The have a great day text, YADA YADA YADA and Nothing nada! If I just wanted to hug I would go buy a Teddy Bear!
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

i think the spouse that doesnt want sex has to want to change and has to help work toward it. if the spouse that doesnt want sex wont participate in fixing whats wrong, the one that does want sex is out of luck.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

I only have one child but I get tired from being a mum and the housework. I know you said you help out, but maybe her energy levels are running low.
The more you demand it, the more it will put her off. You need to be intimate first, on an emotional level for her to feel the desire. But put your heart in it, without ANY expectation of sex. Sit and have talks about her day, anything going on she is worried about. Once she trusts you are interested and not just lining it up for sex, hopefully she will relax and you can become closer. Resign yourself to awhile without sex to build the connection back.
Failing that, perhaps a sex therapist if she is willing.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

Your wife doesn't want sex with you. Furthermore she has ZERO desire to fix it and ZERO desire to tell you why.

Your best bet is to stop doing ANYTHING for her. Nothing, nada, zip. Stop begging, stop asking, stop talking about it.

The only person you can change in this situation is YOU.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

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Originally Posted by I'mInLoveWithMyHubby View Post
It's you, not her. Fix yourself. Your expecting and demanding sex is not sexy at all.

Learn to be emotionally connected to your wife, she'll desire you. Meet her needs, your not meeting them btw. You need to find out what they are.



--What it feels like when a man who has run out of ideas hears that....
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Old 02-28-2012, 08:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

Read this.

Do you want to have more sex than your wife does?

Read the links. READ THEM. If you think immediately "This won't work on my wife” then you are missing the point.

Look, you are already not satisfied with your sex life, right? You don’t even expect to get sex, right? So what do you have to lose by reading the provided material and working on YOU. Work on YOU, without any expectation of more sex. Do it FOR YOU. Not FOR HER.

The “worst” thing that can happen is you become fitter, feel better about yourself, become more attractive and fun to be around and your wife doesn’t respond. So you didn’t change the sex situation, but you are in a better place.

The best outcome is that your wife responds to the changes.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

Good Luck.
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

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Originally Posted by fixmywife View Post
I try to talk with her about this and it just leads to her getting angry and walking away
...
sometimes do show my frustration/ resentment towards her for our sexual situation
You let her control the dialog by getting angry. Her anger probably shuts you up which is exactly what she wants. This leads to inappropriate expressions of your bottled up frustration which makes everything worse.

You can't stop anyone from getting angry and walking away, but you need to continue to let her know how you feel, regardless of her reaction. Be sure to use "I statements" like "I feel ... when you/we ..."

Expressing your feelings in a loving but clear manner is one of your responsibilities in your marriage. Do it and continue to do it
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

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Originally Posted by I'mInLoveWithMyHubby View Post
It's you, not her. Fix yourself. Your expecting and demanding sex is not sexy at all.

Learn to be emotionally connected to your wife, she'll desire you. Meet her needs, your not meeting them btw. You need to find out what they are.

Maybe your being to pushy in the sex department.

My husband doesn't expect anything whatsoever, therefor there are no resentments held. I do the same for him.

He's never ever pushed for sex, he meets my needs(which mainly is affection). My husband has always put his needs before mine these last 12/13 years and we have a wonderful marriage. Since we've been emotionally connected, I ask for sex daily. I fear of being to pushy. I desire him for all he does for me and he gives me the affection I need.
I'm sorry but I see this opinion being given here frequently and I just have to state that I disagree.

When you deny your partner sex it's not about what they've done..it's about what you're doing....your own actions. Shifting blame to the party that is not getting any is baffling to me. If the OP's wife is not having her needs met, she needs to put on the big girl pants and tell him why she's unhappy.
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

How much fun do the two of you have together? How often do you sit and bave an engaging conversation? How much alone time do you habe with just you and your wife?

A previous poster hit it. There seems to be no emotional connection. Women are emotional creatures. Men are physical. Without the emotion, sex to women IS a chore. You have to find a way to reconnect with her.

You've been married for quite a while so I would venture to guess there was a time when sex was more fulfilling. You have to go back to what worked then. Intimacy is the key with almost all women.
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy Husband need advice

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Originally Posted by fixmywife View Post
I do not demand sex but i do expect it as every other guy does due to the fact that we are male. When I said I DO to her it did not include I do agree to a marriage with no sex! If I dont ask her for sex we would never have it we have gone weeks without sex if I do not ask for it! There is nothing wrong with me and I do listen to her and try to figure her needs out which are a moving target! I give her affection, she just refuses it. I tried the I love you text, The have a great day text, YADA YADA YADA and Nothing nada! If I just wanted to hug I would go buy a Teddy Bear!
How often do you ask your wife for sex?

And the reason I ask is because I'm a low drive spouse and have struggled meeting my H's needs. It's getting back up there (it was a long 3 years ), but I've noticed a few things over the past few weeks. One is when he works a lot of hours and we are not spending much time together, aside from sleeping in the same bed or an hour or so before bed... That's our alone time right now, and I enjoy spending that time with him catching up on the days events, or just relaxing watching a show. He might want sex during that little time we have, but I really don't feel connected with him when he works all these hours... Reality is my work load increases when his does too (taking care of twins on my own and working full time). And two, when he is getting it more from me, I notice it's also making him want it more, if that makes sense. Sooooo he brings it up more. And right now with his workload, unfortunately it does feel more like another chore. Luckily for him this is a temp situation at work.

I still don't have a strong desire, but he's made it easier to want to please him because he's not nagging for it all the time anymore... He doesn't make me feel that's it's top priority for our connection.
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sinnister View Post
I'm sorry but I see this opinion being given here frequently and I just have to state that I disagree.

When you deny your partner sex it's not about what they've done..it's about what you're doing....your own actions. Shifting blame to the party that is not getting any is baffling to me. If the OP's wife is not having her needs met, she needs to put on the big girl pants and tell him why she's unhappy.
While I agree (and also somewhat disagree that the wife is not the problem), the fact is that it is OP that is asking for advice, not the wife. Blaming her and telling him he is right won't help him. She is not going to listen to a bunch of posts on a message board and suddenly say "You're right, I need to have more sex with you."

The OP is here, so the advice should be directed to things he can do. First off, he should change his username. He can't "fix" his wife. he can't control her or anyone else. The only person he controls and can fix is himself.

Next, he should read the Married Man's Sex Life book and blog. Some really good stuff to help improve yourself and your sex life.

As noted before, don't ask or beg. Whisper in her ear how you can't wait to get her naked tonight. Make it a statemnet, not a question. Act like sex is expected.

Also, start the process early. For women, sex does not start at 10:30 pm, it starts with the cuddling on the couch at 8 pm, the flirty text at 2 pm, the hard kiss with her pinned against the counter at 7:30 am.
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Old 02-29-2012, 02:17 PM   #14 (permalink)
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It does sound like there is something in the way of an 'emotional' need your wife isn't getting. Yes, it helps tremendously (and I commend your for doing so. There are H out there who don't/won't lift a finger) to have someone who assists with the household jobs, etc., but if that's not one of your wife's needs, then it doesn't help her connect with you emotionally. For some wives, sex isn't just about the physical act. Tall Average Guy hit the nail on the head when he said 'sex (or romance) for a woman begins way before you pull down the covers at night.

I'm not placing blame here on either one of you.....a relationship, no matter what kind, is a two-way street. Takes both parties putting in 100+% for it to work. If one, or both, are not willing to do what it takes to please the other, than it's not going to work.

You didn't really say what the 'anger' outbursts consisted of when you approached your W, but I can tell you from experience, this kind of reaction from you only makes her withdraw even further, which then makes you more frustrated. It's a vicious cycle that you'll never be able to get off of unless you, I'm saying You because you're the one asking for advice, takes the first step to get off of it. That may entail something like thinking back to when you met her, what are some of the things you used to do when courting her. There was something about you that attracted her in the first place. What are those things, and are you still doing them? If not, would you be willing to again?

I haven't seen where anyone has mentioned the possibility of marital counseling.....is this something that you and your W would be open too?
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Old 02-29-2012, 03:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I couldn't agree more, sinnister. I am always baffled by these wives who cut off their husband's sex (not literally) and expect them to just deal with it without explanation or understanding. And then when the husband goes and has an affair, the wife acts like she's been wronged. (I am not condoning cheating under any circumstances; just that the wife has some ownership in a situation like this.)

Wives DO NOT have the right to do this! That is not loving or respecting your husband, something you promised to do on your wedding day. Can't a wife say to her husband, "I don't like kissing you because you slobber on me like a St. Bernard," you know, TELL him what is bothering you so he's not in the dark and feeling rejected. Then, more often or not, the problem can be addressed and hopefully fixed.
I have to agree with this. It's cruel and wrong and immature.
But it's a defense mechanism.

And I also have to point out that I have discovered many similarities with other female friends.

Women talk. Men don't listen and follow through.
Women talk again. Men ignore it.
Women get frustrated and cut out sex because they feel used.

Just saying we only hear one side of the story.
Ever notice how posters ALWAYS ask "when you talked to her about it, what did she say". And notice how many times that question gets ignored and is never answered?

How many male posters are on here saying I talked to my wife and she said she wanted me to be more romantic and listen to her and I did that and now things are fine. Not many. But probably because by the time they come here they are already cut off. It's sad.
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