On the point of giving out compliments, I completely agree with the OP. Why do wives almost never say anything complimentary other than " I love you" to their men?
I tell my husband that he is handsome and hot all the time!
I feel like this is a common cause, women get so wrapped up with everything else that they forget about their marriage, as a result things like sex, flirting, etc...get pushed aside for more "important" or urgent things and then the man feels neglected or unimportant and then he withdraws emotional, which then kills any and all chances for intimacy as the women now feels neglected as well. Its a vicious cycle to break out of for sure.
Having children puts a real strain on a marriage. It is a double edged sword.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
No I am not a Nice Guy that needs affirmation in fact I did not even notice it for years that she was not givIng me much. I am not a needy guy but if we have not had sex in weeks I do withdraw out of frustration because I just get tired if being shot down it gets so old. I don't want to go to MC because it seemed to actually make it worse like affirmation for her cause I was changing we were in counseling but I never got what I needed. My wife is wicked smart when it comes to social dynamics she is a psychologist herself and she will break down analyze and cross examine me on a three minute conversation we had earlier in the day. She remembers every last word I myself have many degrees but in the moment I don't proccesss that way. So we have a minor argument and then try to discuss it later after kids go to bed. Usually in this time it is discovered that I did not clearly hear her exact words and while my actions an words were not intentionally meant to annoy her or whatever it led to an arguement. Sometimes when I tell her well I did not realize you told him to do that she will say well I explained it to you but you ignored me. Which occurred because my focus was on my conversation with my son. So I am not really listening to her because I am feeling undermined trying to be a parent and she feels undermined because I am not following through properly with her prior instruction to my son. See we were both right in our intent but if I had listened to her words exactly I would have known that but for her she says I believe you but intent us just not enough anymore you need to listen to me. Yeah but my son was talking frantically and quickly I was focused on him. I will never ever leave and she is not giving up either after our argument last night we cuddled and watched tv. Right now it seems to that she just wants an improved me and who can blame her that is I guess what I want from her but I don't thnk it is gonna happen. Jesse I reallly appreciated your perspective but the part guys don't get us why? You say he is sexy and you love him in 30 minutes or less you could just tell him please take your time pleasure me. Yeah we want to just feel you and touch you while we listen it helps us feel good to. Oh yeah we want our cookies too but really when we have had our best sex if she orgasms first sometimes we will stop cause she can't take it anymore and I am often ok with that and will not even ask her to help me finish any other ways. I am crazy in love with her she is beautiful and smart and a great mother to our children. Posted via Mobile Device
confused, have you said exactly what you just said to us about her TO her? the part about her being beautiful, smart and an awesome mother?
Yes I have told her that but lately trying to chill those type of comments after I noticed they were not coming back. I think the perspective that some women share expressed here that sex and physical affection is just not important to some and then comparing to a hobby or something is really so off to men. But really glad that was posted thank you because in some ways I think this is what my wife thinks. But it is not a hobby I mean I love sports but I can go without no problem. If I was promised good sex on the evening and I had to give up all food for that whole day I would be as skinny as Gandhi. Seriously we can't help it and I feel lucky that my wife is truly attractive to me. I do wonder about the His Needs Her Needs Book. My wife is currently reading and trying to get me to read the Gottman books 6 Essential Steps or something. I read through it and it was all common sense stuff and the examples were so extreme. I did download an audio presentation by him that was decent but really all the communication has not really worked out and my wife things we need to fix this issue. Well I don't have a masters degree in psychology but his main point appears to be that we are who we are and while we have this problem with current partner we would be having a different problem with another partner. But of course my wife harps in all the negative examples and warning signs in the book instead and I think it causes more problems. I need her to understand I will do my best but I will never communicate exactly how she wants me to and I see that I need to understand that sex is not as important to her. I feel like she does not get that I have already accepted way less sexuality in our marriage than I would prefer. But anyhow things appear to be better lately no sex but it seems we are talking a bit more and I am having some success in getting her to understand that sometimes when I don't want to talk about that I really just don't want to talk about it. Posted via Mobile Device
You should consider reading His Needs, Her Needs - together. It's quite a good book. And the marriagebuilders.com website has worksheets for helping identify the love busters you do (things that turn off your spouse) and their (and your) emotional needs (things they need you to do to feel closer to you and vice versa). The best thing ... you can write the stuff down.
You know when I was reading your original thread from some time ago, I was struck with how well you wrote about your feelings. You used it as a type of journal then and were quite expressive in how you felt as you went through counseling and especially expressive about how you felt about your wife. Have you ever considered keeping some kind of a journal - where you could write thoughts and feelings down that your wife could read when you were ready to let her? It would still be a form of communication - doesn't involve talking at all - and it might open a door for your wife to be able to see into you a bit more, which is what I sense she may want - especially in light of the tendency you have had to become uncommunicative at times. Might be worth a try.
Thank you Enchanted those both sound like good ideas. I think I will get the book this weekend and the worksheets sounds perfect as it is something we could "do". Yeah last time I did sort if write for myself as it seemed I was losing my sanity a bit an it did help. Those posts were certainly bettter written then these ones typed out on my phone. I am not so sure if that would be a good idea to share with her though as afraid she would counterpoint me on lots of things or try to explain how I got my facts wrong of course not on purpose but again I just don't understand what age really said etc. I think one thing I have learned is I am not can't play by her rules cause it never works out so well. So I we can together go through worksheets like you described or a book that includes both male and female perspectives I think that would be a good place to start from. Ladies let's be honest most relationship books are written for the female perspective because that is the target demographic. Posted via Mobile Device
Jessie, sounds like your husband is still in a better position (no pun intended!) than I am. So far this year we are averaging 4 times a month.
Your husband wants it 2 - 3 times a day? I'd kill for 3 or 4 times a week! And that may even tire me out!
Now you know how hw feels and you want to improve things, are you comfortable enough to go out of your comfort zone and maybe be with him on an increased frequency when neither of you have to worry about work or kids (like over a weekend)?
Toffer he says he wants it that often...but thats rare! I am definately willing to increase the frequency..especially if he would iniate it! We went out of town for new years and lack of sex was not a problem. We had an amazing time being by ourselves. For the last 4 years we have had a daughter and granddaughter living with us and for the last 8 months our other daughter her husband and 2 daughters have been with us. We both have high stress jobs and then coming home to a house full is stressful also. We just need so alone time to reconnect I think!
Well anyhow just wanted to update as we appear to be making some progress. After a decent day Friday we had a nice talk followed by sex. It is still a bit awkward cause she saId something like "well I know you want to and we can but if we don't does that mean you are going to be ........." Ok don't remembe the rest but I just smiled kissed her and said well ok then I want too she smiled. Anyway it was surprisingly lame but nice just the same. I seriously cannot remember the last time or ever neither if us got their cookies. Oh well. Then last night we went through the worksheets a bit from marriagebuilders. She had an issue at how questions were framed. I understood her point but I could have done it. We then both did the quick lovelanguages quiz which was fun but did not show much we did not know we both came out high in words of affirmatiion and lowest in gifts or whatever. I told her I would rather buy gifts but she laughed and said you would have never liked me if I was that way....true. The wierdest part of it all is how the marriagebusters forms showed me what my problems are in that she said things like well this is going to be too hurtful etc if I answer all of this I guess basically how she feels disconnected etc and is just not into me I guess? She still sticks to idea that my actions lead her to not feel romantically connected. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm not sure what the marriage counselor is telling you but women are soo much different than men when it comes to sex..especially after you're married.
I know guys tend to talk and say, "Yeah..once you're married..the sex just gets less and less" but that's not really what it's about for most of us women.
What it's about for us is the romance. Why is it that when two people are dating, guys are willing to wear their hearts on their sleeves..tell us all their hopes and dreams..get sappy..send us flowers, etc. but once they marry us..all the sap goes out the window??
Sex isn't all about "doing it". Foreplay consists not only of kissing and hugging..but more about giving your woman a compliment everyday and making her feel beautiful even without makeup while she'd doing the laundry wearing sweats. Take her out for dinner and make it a "date night". Leave her a "lovegram" somewhere whether writing I love you on the windshield of her car or on the mirror in the bathroom for her to see when she comes out of the shower.
Leave her a "candygram" writing I love you out of peanuts..or M&M's....or whatever else you can find, on the kitchen table when she comes home from work or on her way to work.
Kiss her on the neck while she's making dinner or doing homework with the kids (the kids will laugh but they'll think it's cute as hell!!)
Tell her she's beautiful in the morning when she crawls out of bed at 6 am to get the kids ready for school. Don't ever forget to tell her she's beautiful even when she's at her worst as she'll appreciate it more than you realize.
Tell her she smells good. Tell her you love her cooking even if she makes the same thing over and over again because she thinks it's your favorite. Watch HER movies with her even though they bore you to tears.
That's foreplay. I could make a list a mile long but if you do the little things that truely make your wife feel appreciated and beautiful..I promise you..you'll have the best sex you'll ever dream of!!
All in all..use your imagination. You know your wife better than anyone else and if you're the most romantic thug on the face of the earth...she's going to tell all her friends about it and again..you're going to get lucky soo often..you may have to cut HER off...lol!!
What it's about for us is the romance. Why is it that when two people are dating, guys are willing to wear their hearts on their sleeves..tell us all their hopes and dreams..get sappy..send us flowers, etc. but once they marry us..all the sap goes out the window??
I believe the best advice to give to newlyweds is to keep dating your spouse. This goes both ways. Men need to continue the mushy stuff like you mention - surprise gifts, neck kisses, compliments, etc. Women need to keep dressing up for the dates, flirting with their man, and pursuing in their own way.
This is especially important when kids come around, as it is far to easy to slip into the role of mom and dad.
I'm not sure what the marriage counselor is telling you but women are soo much different than men when it comes to sex..especially after you're married.
I know guys tend to talk and say, "Yeah..once you're married..the sex just gets less and less" but that's not really what it's about for most of us women.
What it's about for us is the romance. Why is it that when two people are dating, guys are willing to wear their hearts on their sleeves..tell us all their hopes and dreams..get sappy..send us flowers, etc. but once they marry us..all the sap goes out the window??
Sex isn't all about "doing it". Foreplay consists not only of kissing and hugging..but more about giving your woman a compliment everyday and making her feel beautiful even without makeup while she'd doing the laundry wearing sweats. Take her out for dinner and make it a "date night". Leave her a "lovegram" somewhere whether writing I love you on the windshield of her car or on the mirror in the bathroom for her to see when she comes out of the shower.
Leave her a "candygram" writing I love you out of peanuts..or M&M's....or whatever else you can find, on the kitchen table when she comes home from work or on her way to work.
Kiss her on the neck while she's making dinner or doing homework with the kids (the kids will laugh but they'll think it's cute as hell!!)
Tell her she's beautiful in the morning when she crawls out of bed at 6 am to get the kids ready for school. Don't ever forget to tell her she's beautiful even when she's at her worst as she'll appreciate it more than you realize.
Tell her she smells good. Tell her you love her cooking even if she makes the same thing over and over again because she thinks it's your favorite. Watch HER movies with her even though they bore you to tears.
That's foreplay. I could make a list a mile long but if you do the little things that truely make your wife feel appreciated and beautiful..I promise you..you'll have the best sex you'll ever dream of!!
All in all..use your imagination. You know your wife better than anyone else and if you're the most romantic thug on the face of the earth...she's going to tell all her friends about it and again..you're going to get lucky soo often..you may have to cut HER off...lol!!
Great advice - all true - even telling the friends part. Up until the "you're going to get lucky so often". That is just not true, at least in my case. My wife would be the first to tell you I do everything she could want (that my schedule allows). She'd prefer to read, or visit pinterest, or sleep. She enjoys sex, just doesn't think about it. This was true before the kids came.
Well anyhow just wanted to update as we appear to be making some progress. After a decent day Friday we had a nice talk followed by sex. It is still a bit awkward cause she saId something like "well I know you want to and we can but if we don't does that mean you are going to be ........." Ok don't remembe the rest but I just smiled kissed her and said well ok then I want too she smiled. Anyway it was surprisingly lame but nice just the same. I seriously cannot remember the last time or ever neither if us got their cookies. Oh well. Then last night we went through the worksheets a bit from marriagebuilders. She had an issue at how questions were framed. I understood her point but I could have done it. We then both did the quick lovelanguages quiz which was fun but did not show much we did not know we both came out high in words of affirmatiion and lowest in gifts or whatever. I told her I would rather buy gifts but she laughed and said you would have never liked me if I was that way....true. The wierdest part of it all is how the marriagebusters forms showed me what my problems are in that she said things like well this is going to be too hurtful etc if I answer all of this I guess basically how she feels disconnected etc and is just not into me I guess? She still sticks to idea that my actions lead her to not feel romantically connected. Posted via Mobile Device
Were specific actions listed from her? If not, then have her state the specific actions or give more detail.
If specific actions were listed, then you can develop a plan as to how those can be addressed.
The other thing, and you may have to hold her feet to the fire on this one, is that if she is holding on to issues and resentments about things from the past and you are making a sustained, concerted effort to improve on those actions that she did not like, then she is responsible for forgiving you and letting her resentments go and must make an honest attempt to move forward - instead of constantly staying in this holding pattern.
Thank you Enchanted I agree 100% MemyselfandI thank you for your input but that is not my problem at all. I love doing romantic things throughout the day but this has zero or little effect as my wife is focused on any negative interaction and a zillion positives will not have any effect. Don't want to go through it all again but if you want to read my first few posts to this thread you mIght better understand. So we had another talk last night focused on making marriage work from John Gottman. I read a few chapters and we discussed it. Did not go great cause she got all defensive and almost started seeming like an arguement. After I called her on it she cooled off and acknowledged that the reason I shut down or stonewall is cause she goes on the verbal attack. Anyway I really need some input regarding an issue that seems to be festering. I have told you all how I think she is beautiful and I am honestly more deeply in live and attracted now then when we first met. But I am struggling with that because i cannot be the romantic compliment giving guy suggested by MemyselfandI. She was getting ready to go out for the day and asked me how she looked and I was actually blown away she looked so perfectly stunning. But I just shrugged my shoulders and told her yeah that looks ok. You see the day before I had given her a warm hug the day after we finally had sex again and told her how beautiful she was and she sort of pushed me off like that's too much please don't. This is also an issue because her greatest compliment to me is something like you look nice today. We talked again about that last night and she said I know you want something more explicit or sexual but that is not me. I told her well I just want to be wanted and that is pretty normal I think. Not sure what I can do without all that but I am trying to make it clear to her that it will be impossible for me to communicate in the way she wants when I am not getting my needs met. I will not cheat but to me marriage is boring without sexual energy and clear attraction. Thoughts? Posted via Mobile Device
Veryconfused, have you thought about a modified 180? You know, work out, improve yourself, go out with friends on your own, develop your own life etc. Maybe if she sees that other women become interested in you (purely innocent on your part of course) she realize that to keep you she'll have to try harder to change.
In the meantime as many have already said, the only one you can change is you!
39Likes
Re: Ladies what do you really want? 
