Ladies what do you really want?

veryconfusedhusband · 03-05-2012, 03:04 PM

That stuff has zero effect and just means I miss out being around my kids. I am in good shape but when I work out more and look better she says nothing nor if I gain a few pounds in the winter. I think a part of this is just her low libido. But it kills me how she seems so disinterested in sex most of the time but when we get going she can really enjoy it all even the dirty talk. Seriously the solution is to leave and let her find a man that wants to put up with all of this but I love her too much and my kids too. I bet she would be the same way with the next guy. And I would have some of the same communication issues I am sure but if I was with a woman that wanted me physically I would be much more tuned into my communication. Not on purpose just because sex has a bonding and connecting nature for me. Why doesn't she get this?
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Beowulf · 03-05-2012, 05:01 PM

Maybe you should stop communicating with your wife. Stop doing things for her. Stop trying to please her. Spend time with your kids. Do things for yourself. Go to the gym. Take up a hobby. You said this stuff has zero effect on her. Why are you doing it for her? You are letting her control the relationship...and you.

veryconfusedhusband · 03-05-2012, 05:28 PM

She gets all pissed off when I shut down communication. I guess in some ways I have done this a bit even lately but if I ignore her too much she is annoyed. For her a perfectly harmonious and mostly platonic relationship appears to be what she is striving for but when I point this out to her she just does not see it that way. I do agree she is certainly gaining control by emphasizing her emotional needs must be met first before she feels more sexually connected. But apparently a majority of women feel that way. I suppose if she knew another woman was intested in me or that I was willing to leave over this might light a spark. But again I am not going there..... to even bring that up I think would be traumatic for her as in her view she is the one whose needs have not been met in a long time because we don't have the harmonious relationship she envisions. Just now is she acknowledging that she plays a role in our problems before it was all my fault and she was merely using coping strategies to deal with me. Again thank you all for the comments this helps keep my sanity.
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Beowulf · 03-05-2012, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband

She gets all pissed off when I shut down communication. I guess in some ways I have done this a bit even lately but if I ignore her too much she is annoyed. For her a perfectly harmonious and mostly platonic relationship appears to be what she is striving for but when I point this out to her she just does not see it that way. I do agree she is certainly gaining control by emphasizing her emotional needs must be met first before she feels more sexually connected. But apparently a majority of women feel that way. I suppose if she knew another woman was intested in me or that I was willing to leave over this might light a spark. But again I am not going there..... to even bring that up I think would be traumatic for her as in her view she is the one whose needs have not been met in a long time because we don't have the harmonious relationship she envisions. Just now is she acknowledging that she plays a role in our problems before it was all my fault and she was merely using coping strategies to deal with me. Again thank you all for the comments this helps keep my sanity.
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Maybe she needs to get annoyed...a lot. Aren't you annoyed? Why are you meeting all her needs when she obviously doesn't seem to care to meet yours. If you aren't happy with the status quo maybe you need to change it. When she gets so annoyed that she comes to you and complains tell her you are giving her the relationship she wants and created. If she'd like to work WITH you to improve the relationship she has to make some commitments and actually follow through. It certainly seems from your description that she has a very unrealistic expectation of relationships and marriage.

okeydokie · 03-05-2012, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beowulf

Maybe she needs to get annoyed...a lot. Aren't you annoyed? Why are you meeting all her needs when she obviously doesn't seem to care to meet yours. If you aren't happy with the status quo maybe you need to change it. When she gets so annoyed that she comes to you and complains tell her you are giving her the relationship she wants and created. If she'd like to work WITH you to improve the relationship she has to make some commitments and actually follow through. It certainly seems from your description that she has a very unrealistic expectation of relationships and marriage.

yup, took me awhile to realize that annoying my wife in this manner wasnt always a bad thing. i was way too conscious of her feelings sometimes. take her out of her comfort zone,

veryconfusedhusband · 03-05-2012, 10:30 PM

Yeah I agree but she just tells me that when it comes to sex she can't just become turned on that it will take time. I pointed out that we have been dealing with this issue since we were married and before kids. I am starting to think that she is just low libido and is one of those women who really prefer things like Pinterest and FB as well as raising kids to things like sex. She has the guy, the kids, nice house, part-time job and we are not broke so she is done. She is really happy today - nice to see I mean I love her but that has zero chance of translating to sex tonight. She even came up behind me and gave me a nice long hug. It was nice but that was it --- see for her that was her showing affection. Yes it was great and I like it but thats it or maybe she is finally defrosting. Somewhere in our discussions later I am going to just put a number out there -- I need sex twice a week. Otherwise it is like once every week to week and half then i get grumpy and we argue about other stuff. So what you think? Sucks cause too me that is so unromantic but if your partner never initiates and shoots you down lots it might be the best alternative.

Toffer · 03-06-2012, 08:53 AM

veryconfused, I have to agree with okeydokey. If you develop other outside interests and focus less on meeting all of her needs, she may see you growing in other directions and this could have a positive effect.

What do you think will happen with this relationship as the kids get older? Do you see yourself staying around after they hit 18 or 21?

One of the talks I had with my wife was that now that the kids are older, I would expect things to change since the demands were less now. Again, it's a bit of a roller coaster for me because it gets better for a while and then goes back to normal.

I told her that I can see why men are vulnerable (and women too I guess) when a charmer comes along and expresses a physical attraction to them. Think this was a bit of an eye opener to her.

veryconfusedhusband · 03-06-2012, 09:25 AM

Yeah it is always good to work in yourself and honestly I am going to do this simply out of boredom. I just get bored at home a lot lately and I even look forward to go to work.
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allthegoodnamesaregone · 03-06-2012, 04:00 PM

I don't know if a man can win at this game, if he pulls back and concentrates on himself he'll be accused of "not meeting her needs", if he continues to be "supportive" and "give her space" he'll be viewed as a "doormat" and "Beta".

A lot of guys that go through this eventually find their wives "needs" are being met by some guy they met on Facebook and have been sexting for the last two years ;~)

I think you need to sit down with her and talk, get it out in the open. Chances are if she's over 40 she might be getting ready to give you the speech......

veryconfusedhusband · 03-06-2012, 04:20 PM

The speech? She is 34 and I can promise you she is not sexting anyone including me cause she "just doesn't like to do that". For a long time I almost wished that was the case that she had some crush on someone cause then at least I would know those playful sexual emotions were not dead. I do think she is falling hard for Pinterest though! Like I said earlier it's just getting old and I don't want to be around her as much cause I am starting to find her boring.
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veryconfusedhusband · 03-07-2012, 03:22 PM

Well here we are one more day gone and same old. Kids go to bed I do my thing and she does hers. She shows no interest in anything physical or romantic and I am really done flirting or initiating anything. We have not argued in a few days but she has said a few times that I seem kinda different. She does not like that I am not enthusiastically sharing thoughts but just don't feel like it. Coming home later from work and leaving earlier in the morning as just happier when I not at home. Hope things improve but she needs to take the next step. Still love her and want her hope she can figure out what she really wants cause this marriage is getting strange.
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allthegoodnamesaregone · 03-07-2012, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband

The speech? She is 34 and I can promise you she is not sexting anyone including me cause she "just doesn't like to do that". For a long time I almost wished that was the case that she had some crush on someone cause then at least I would know those playful sexual emotions were not dead. I do think she is falling hard for Pinterest though! Like I said earlier it's just getting old and I don't want to be around her as much cause I am starting to find her boring.
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The old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech". When they say they "just doesn't like to do that" only means they don't want to do that with you ;~). These forums are full of men who said their wife wasn't interested in sex, only to find later they were playing ' Ride em cowboy' with some OM for a couple of months.

DvlsAdvc8 · 03-07-2012, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenEyes

Woman can be selfish, but it seems on this site that if a woman is not having sex with her H it's because she is being selfish or has something wrong with her....

That's funny, my reading of this forum is that men should take the blame and women are largely blameless. lol

Its always his fault. He needs to "man-up". He needs to communicate. He needs to do more housework.

Sitting here thinking of a common theme women receive blame for... and... I got nothin'. Awesome.

Toffer · 03-07-2012, 03:47 PM

Very Confused, I hear ya!
Last night we sat on the couch, held hands, she intiated some nice little gestures (grabbed my butt when I got up, sorta tweeked me you know where) so I thought Hmmmmm, maybe something will happen tonight.

She gets in bed and cuddles up a little with me and .....falls asleep after I try to get things going. ;(

Earlier today we had an email exchange where she told me how she had trouble sleeping last night because of an issue with someone. I wrote back "Really? It was hard to tell because of your snoring!"

Didn't here back on that!

veryconfusedhusband · 03-07-2012, 03:47 PM

Well again I doubt it are there any other women who don't like sexting or explicit flirting? Please don't tell me I married the only one!
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