Well again I doubt it are there any other women who don't like sexting or explicit flirting? Please don't tell me I married the only one! Posted via Mobile Device
Toffer I hear you and sometimes I think my wife fails to be playful or touch me anywhere in the evening as she has said well I don't want you to misinterpret that as wanting sex. Or why can't we just lay and cuddle without sex comIng up? Well if I had not eaten for many days I want food and think of boy that and it is the same thing with sex. But I am afraid I am way passed hoping she will have sex with me I plan on waiting until she can step up and show me she wants it. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes wrong sorry. This is funny and as you can see my wife is not the only one. And again I really doubt she is cheating. If she was why would she bother with marriage counselor? And yes she is going I know this for sure. I think she just has decided that she cannot share her love for me until I am the absolute perfect non confrontational never say anything wrong husband. And even then I guess she believes that it is her body and sex is just not as interesting as Pinterest or FB or any of her other very normal and feminine craft type interests. Posted via Mobile Device
VeryConfused,
Here's another illustration to show you that you're not alone and we feel your pain.
Last night was sitting on couch watching some TV as we always do most week nights. I had my hand on the inside of her left thigh (no funny business or groping!) while her left hand remained stationary on top of her left thigh. At the same time, our small dog was on the couch to the right of her. The dog was getting her head scratched and her belly rubbed the whole time!
I made a half kidding (trying to keep it light) comment and pointed this out to see if there'd be any tupe of change. You guessed it....nothing.
I now am also suspicious of the "spend 15 hours a week with your wife doing non-sexual touch things". We probably get close to that with most of it happening on the weekends yet little else happens beyond.
Our love love averages about once a week ONLY because I ALWAYS intiate and don't let things slide. But, like you I am getting tired (after 26+ years of this) of this.
I now am also suspicious of the "spend 15 hours a week with your wife doing non-sexual touch things". We probably get close to that with most of it happening on the weekends yet little else happens beyond.
I understand that the 15 hours is quality time with your spouse, not just sitting next to each other slack jawed while the TV drones on in front of you.
To me, that is washing and drying dishes or folding clothes together while just the two of us talk, or playing a game, or even watching and discussing the news (I love being able to pause the TV to talk about it). My wife and I need time to interact with each other as adults, not as mom and dad.
I also think that you should add non-initiating sexual touch to non-sexual touch. Things like coming up behind her and kissing her neck while she is making dinner, or getting a nice grinding hug before work. These touches are sexual (and show that she is desired by you) but are non-initiating, in that there is no immediate plans for sex. I think these sort of touches are just as critical as the hand on the back or holding hands that have no sexual overtones.
TAG, I do these things constantly. We run errands together, spending time in the car talking and holding hands. We clean-up after dinner together almost every night. I kiss her when I leave for work in the morning (usually on the forehead whiles she's still in bed since I leave at 6 AM).
Some nights she'll wait for me to get home before having her dinner (kids can't usually wait for me to walk through the door at 7 PM and her mother is usually at our house 5 -6 days a week so she feeds her too (that's a whole different post!)) and we will often talk during that time too.
We spend maybe 60 mins on the couch watching TV a night (after all the dinner dishes are done and away). We'll typically enjoy a cup of tea at this time too with either she makes or I do.
I do not think any of these touches are intiating touches especially based on our history. I see them more as loving gestures and expressions of love, not sex.
Yes as far as sex goes I do think many guys are dealing with women that have low to no drive and have no comprehension of how this can affect their relationship. While I am very concerned about improving our sex life I am at the point that my main concern is losing my wife. I have been reading about walkaway wives who just decide its over. Recent discussions with my wife in my attempt to actively work on our marriage - this is what she tells me she needs "work on the marriage". As I have stated here before this work has never worked for me as the focus is always on her concerns and then her ensuing judgement as to if I am meeting these standards which she cannot clearly define. But at any rate I have been jumping in with the Gottman book she likes and I find it reasonable.
Well this has been tough but I have been biting my tongue a lot and trying to point out the imbalance in how she is treating me and how she wants to be treated. Plus I am human I can't be perfect so when getting negative comments from a woman he says she is not sure of her attraction to me because of our issues has been brutal.
BUT I think maybe she is finally waking up? I had a confrontation with one of our children and I had to raise my voice as he went into the street which led to a big blowup as this kid always flips out when disciplined and tries to blame the parent. Well at any rate she did not support me very well at all and afterword we argued a bit.
After she said "are you mad at me?" I said "No are you made at me", I was thinking to myself great we are finally having a normal argument and moving on from it. But then she says "No I am not mad but I think it is sad", implying I was in the wrong for how I spoke to our child like some mean dad.
We were all on a long walk away from the house - I just said "Ok later I will see you at home". I was just fed up and I texted her a note reminding her how a few nights prior she had a blow up with this same child and I refused to intervene or judge her afterwards even though I did not like how she handled it. Because in the big picture she was right and I believe kids need to accept discipline.
She never replied to my text and as I walked home and I almost expected her and the kids to be gone and for some bizarre text or call from her saying she just can't put up with me anymore.
BUT instead after I got home she was pleasant and after a bit we hugged and when I told her I love you she said, "I love you too even though I have not been showing it lately".
Finally!!!! From here we can build. This is the first acknowledgement of her role in our problems......EVER! Posted via Mobile Device
Confused,
I think you had it right earlier. It goes like this:
I need to have sex twice a week to feel emotionally connected to you. If you cannot manage that I accept that we aren't going to be emotionally connected.
And then shut up. Seriously. Do not get pulled into a discussion. Let her talk - and when she is finished telling you why you are wrong, just shrug and go do something else. Do NOT debate this point.
Because your W had her shot. She had months and months of you doing everything "her way" and it changed nothing. In fact a whole lot of your marital dynamic seems to be that you try to "get it right" and she sits there in judgement and tells you how you failed. That is a miserable way to go through life. Far better to focus on work and the kids and your friends and a hobby. And let her decide if she wants to be your partner in this marriage as opposed to your superior officer.
I would say that with my W I have about a 10 to 1 ratio. I do 10 good things for every mistake. And you know that is plenty good for her. Her ratio with me is about the same. Honestly if she focused hard on each little thing I got wrong, I would detach emotionally and leave her to her own devices.
Quote:
Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband
Well here we are one more day gone and same old. Kids go to bed I do my thing and she does hers. She shows no interest in anything physical or romantic and I am really done flirting or initiating anything. We have not argued in a few days but she has said a few times that I seem kinda different. She does not like that I am not enthusiastically sharing thoughts but just don't feel like it. Coming home later from work and leaving earlier in the morning as just happier when I not at home. Hope things improve but she needs to take the next step. Still love her and want her hope she can figure out what she really wants cause this marriage is getting strange. Posted via Mobile Device
Confused,
I think you had it right earlier. It goes like this:
I need to have sex twice a week to feel emotionally connected to you. If you cannot manage that I accept that we aren't going to be emotionally connected.
And then shut up. Seriously. Do not get pulled into a discussion. Let her talk - and when she is finished telling you why you are wrong, just shrug and go do something else. Do NOT debate this point.
Because your W had her shot. She had months and months of you doing everything "her way" and it changed nothing. In fact a whole lot of your marital dynamic seems to be that you try to "get it right" and she sits there in judgement and tells you how you failed. That is a miserable way to go through life. Far better to focus on work and the kids and your friends and a hobby. And let her decide if she wants to be your partner in this marriage as opposed to your superior officer.
I would say that with my W I have about a 10 to 1 ratio. I do 10 good things for every mistake. And you know that is plenty good for her. Her ratio with me is about the same. Honestly if she focused hard on each little thing I got wrong, I would detach emotionally and leave her to her own devices.
Yes. When emotions are involved to debate anything with a woman is to lose. Not the least “Just because!”.
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Re: Ladies what do you really want? 
