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Old 06-25-2012, 09:56 AM   #181 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Have you tried taking the Red Pill? What is the Red Pill? | Married Man Sex Life
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Old 06-25-2012, 10:12 AM   #182 (permalink)
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I resisted at first but it has helped some. Our most recent arguments have almost always come from me calling her on unacceptable behavior. For example I noticed she never gives me a decent compliment about anything especially something physical. So anyway she tells me how a friend of mine looks good with his shirt off. I was like what? Are you kidding me? This is not ok for the women who struggles to give compliments. This went to argument but then she is like great you ruined our day. My ruining of days has lately been on calling her on crap I will not tolerate anymore. However, later in the day she was affectionate and even gave me several compliments. This from the same woman who in the am said "I don't know" when I asked why is this so hard for you.
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Old 06-25-2012, 10:18 AM   #183 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

I am no expert but sounds like she needs a man to show her / tell her what's what.

I'd not be a doormat and put up with her bad treatment of you. She loses respect for you when you do. She might not like you standing up for yourself but she will regain her respect for you, which will put you on a good path.

At the very least you will get your own self respect back and have your head in a good place if you need to move on.

Again I am no expert. I am a female but I think a lot like a guy. I love the Red Pill stuff and am using it to some degree in my world. Very helpful.
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Old 06-25-2012, 10:46 AM   #184 (permalink)
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Well she does but she doesn't. For her sex and the thought of looming intimacy is too much pressure. So odd for me we always have a nice time and she will admit as much when we get going. When she rejects me she is also mad at me for ruining the night. Of course I get distant then and also feel unwanted and shoved off as she has also said she is unsure of her attraction to me. This is clearly a defense mechanism she just wants space and will avoid sexy flirting and now the big weapon i.e. not attracted in order to ensure she does not have to respond. I have told her this is unacceptable and it has also really messed with my head. She says I get all weird and sad and describes to MC how she hates this behavior. I ask him is this really that abnormal and he said no this what is expected in this situation. You see the very behaviors that bother her the most are those that deal with her essentially rejecting me as a partner. But she hates to hear this as she wants a complicated answer that falls mostly on me I guess and she hates the pressure of having to be the one to take a step toward me. Nevermind I am always the one to try to reconcile as she does not want to make up usually "I am still angry" she says.
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Old 06-25-2012, 11:11 AM   #185 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

The Red Pill is not about being insistent about having sex. You need to, generally, act like a man. Not saying that you're not, you're the best judge there. But generally from your description of her behavior towards you and your response to it, you are being a little bit of a doormat. Chicks don't dig that. :-(
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Old 06-25-2012, 12:05 PM   #186 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Quote:
Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband View Post
Our most recent arguments have almost always come from me calling her on unacceptable behavior.
IMO, this should be a KEY ingredient of your talks with MC. If a person cannot accept criticism, it will keep you from reaching ANY progress. Please ask him to address it next time - nothing else, just that.

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For example I noticed she never gives me a decent compliment about anything especially something physical. So anyway she tells me how a friend of mine looks good with his shirt off. I was like what? Are you kidding me? This is not ok for the women who struggles to give compliments. This went to argument but then she is like great you ruined our day. My ruining of days has lately been on calling her on crap I will not tolerate anymore.
Many people have skated through life without ever having to face their bad points, to ever have to apologize, or to speak to someone with true humility. And many of these people accomplish it with passive aggressive deflections such as saying 'you' ruined our day. That puts you on the defensive, because YOU don't want to be seen as the bad guy, either! And then you stop looking at HER behavior. It will do you good to learn how to not get sucked into that. I've seen where people will have a ready response, such as 'You can say all day long that I ruined our day, but you still haven't addressed my comment: why is it ok for you to compliment Joe when you aren't willing to compliment me? I just want to understand why you think that's ok.'

And keep at it, today or the next day or the next MC - don't let her keep deflecting all looks at her actions.
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Old 06-25-2012, 12:07 PM   #187 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband View Post
You see the very behaviors that bother her the most are those that deal with her essentially rejecting me as a partner. But she hates to hear this as she wants a complicated answer that falls mostly on me I guess and she hates the pressure of having to be the one to take a step toward me. Nevermind I am always the one to try to reconcile as she does not want to make up usually "I am still angry" she says.
And you do this...why?

Try NOT doing it. Tell MC that this is what you are going to do, and tell him that if he can't get her to accept her share of responsbility, then you are ready to move on; that you're done shouldering all the weight.
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Old 06-25-2012, 01:29 PM   #188 (permalink)
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Mina - I understand red pill and I understand it is not just about sex but this has been a tough issue throughout our marriage. We can go two weeks and then if I start kissing her it coming up to her she will often get defensive. She wants me to not want it and not care if she says no and never ever initiates. Well that is never going to work out I expect marriage to include sex. She admits that she wants this too but is acting like she does not know how to get there. See she is responsive to me at times but is passive in that it is hard for her to initiate. I think the MC could help us in this area. Tunera - yes I have learned to stay on issue but usually I am not as good at not saying something like "do you think most men would really put up with this?". She knows it is not fair as I would never leave her or my children so lately i have even said I won't leave you can go if you don't want to be married. This talk is not helpful she loves me but struggles to be in love as if giving of herself is giving up control. She is just that way has lots of boundaries and I think it stems from a total deadbeat dad who let her down over and over. So she is never quite sure if I am worthy of her love. Buy she does not want me to leave she wants it safe. Also the idea that she should never have sex unless she wants it - I get that but she needs help getting aroused so I hope to address that with MC as well.
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Old 06-25-2012, 01:35 PM   #189 (permalink)
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Tunera - yes I have learned to stay on issue but usually I am not as good at not saying something like "do you think most men would really put up with this?".
Ouch! Great way to get her wall up, for sure!
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Old 06-25-2012, 01:46 PM   #190 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Quote:
Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband View Post
This talk is not helpful she loves me but struggles to be in love as if giving of herself is giving up control. She is just that way has lots of boundaries and I think it stems from a total deadbeat dad who let her down over and over. So she is never quite sure if I am worthy of her love.
I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure if she had such a dad, she's not going around thinking you have to DESERVE her; pretty sure it's the other way around.
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Old 06-25-2012, 02:23 PM   #191 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Ouch is right. Not trying to be mean but I don't want a marriage one step closer than brother/sister.

As far as her dad I think the lesson she learned was not to count on people and to build walls around her so she could not be hurt. Now this is a bit extreme but it does seem to be why I have trouble truly connecting. The MC has pointed out carefully how she is a bit closed off and detached at times. It is even apparent in our sessions.

The good things is we are in MC and she is coming to recognize all of our problems do not stem from me as she had tried to insist for years. I am just hoping that after we get through this that she really opens up with her ability to love and to forgive so we can move forward together. She told MC laughingly that she could not understand the concept of makeup sex as she just stays angry. Think it would be a big deal if we could get past the tension, which she feels way more than me, so that we can deal with problems as they come up.
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:17 PM   #192 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Closed off and detached = protecting one's self. It doesn't mean you think you're better. And a deadbeat dad will almost always result in low self esteem and major man issues.
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