i would have to disagree with you on that, no disrespect intended. i think there are an equal amount of responses that blame the husband for not meeting the wifes emotional needs. and there are responses that float in between. i have always said that if these types of posts were gender anonymous, they wouldnt last very long because there wouldnt be anyone to blame.
True, and no disrespect taken I just tend to get irritated when the auto-response from people is he/she is selfish, has a mental problem...I know that we can only go from what the OP tells us, but the truth of the matter is, there are probably a whole list of things that are factoring into her behavior that we don't know about, not saying anything he is doing/not doing, but I don't like when men say "she can only neglect me for so long" really? and then what? cheat? It's just irritating when men say that....and would be just as irritating if a woman says it...
True, and no disrespect taken I just tend to get irritated when the auto-response from people is he/she is selfish, has a mental problem...I know that we can only go from what the OP tells us, but the truth of the matter is, there are probably a whole list of things that are factoring into her behavior that we don't know about, not saying anything he is doing/not doing, but I don't like when men say "she can only neglect me for so long" really? and then what? cheat? It's just irritating when men say that....and would be just as irritating if a woman says it...
i am a neglected husband (you'll have to take my word on that), and it would be easy for me to jump on the blame bandwagon. but i really try not to. by the same token, i know how frustrating it can be to be ignored by your spouse.
and i dont really see why that statement would bother you, "she can only neglect me for so long", take the she out of it and it makes sense. nobody should be negelcted in their marriage, it leads to ultimate disaster
She says she is still in love with me and finds me attractive but never ever says anything sexy to me. Never really compliments me much at -- I did not even notice this for like the first 10 years cause not that big of deal to me but now it makes me resentful to tell her how beautiful she is etc. when I never hear anything back.
So you are expecting her to be different after 10 years of being who she is? Why?
I don't know what will help you, but I don't see how counseling can hurt. It should be able to help YOU communicate with your wife, and to help her learn to listen to you instead of trying to get you to say what she wants to hear, if that is what is going on based on your OP.
If she is saying that communication and closeness is a problem, it IS a problem whether you think so or not. Lots of sexual problems start outside the bedroom - they are marital problems that lead to lack of sex. A counselor is a good place to explore those problems and to express yourself and your frustrations.
i am a neglected husband (you'll have to take my word on that), and it would be easy for me to jump on the blame bandwagon. but i really try not to. by the same token, i know how frustrating it can be to be ignored by your spouse.
and i dont really see why that statement would bother you, "she can only neglect me for so long", take the she out of it and it makes sense. nobody should be negelcted in their marriage, it leads to ultimate disaster
Because that phrase, "she/he can only do this for so long" sounds like a cheaters threat to me...If she is neglecting her H sexually, there is a reason, I"m sure she's not doing it for the fun of it...
I completely agree with you, nobody should be neglected in a marriage, been there done that, but the thing is you have to keep working on it, marriage is a never ending work in progress, I could have easily said oh you neglected me for so many years, now I will cheat on you and it's your fault...If I would have taken that attitude and stopped working my marriage wouldn't be progressing in the way that it is today...sure we still have some major downs, but they aren't the first and won't be the last.
Two people + a lifetime commitment does not equal a smooth road.
Because that phrase, "she/he can only do this for so long" sounds like a cheaters threat to me...If she is neglecting her H sexually, there is a reason, I"m sure she's not doing it for the fun of it...
I completely agree with you, nobody should be neglected in a marriage, been there done that, but the thing is you have to keep working on it, marriage is a never ending work in progress, I could have easily said oh you neglected me for so many years, now I will cheat on you and it's your fault...If I would have taken that attitude and stopped working my marriage wouldn't be progressing in the way that it is today...sure we still have some major downs, but they aren't the first and won't be the last.
Two people + a lifetime commitment does not equal a smooth road.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Women need to understand that you can only neglect a husband for so long.
You know what my very first post here at TAM was? A question about how to give my husband better oral sex after years of him being the refuser/non communicator. That was two years ago and he thought all was well because he was getting laid and I didn't mind since I am a very HD woman/part dude. Know what? None of my needs are being met, none. His idea of communication is letting me know who he traded on his fantasy football team, updating me on his career and sending me cartoon jokes via email. He will look you dead in the eye and tell you we "talk" all the time. When we do "talk" about us, it is me doing the talking while his eyes dart around the room or he plays with his phone. Eye contact doesn't exist with that man.
You know that high drive I mentioned? Dead for him. Not for others, just for him.
Hey guy don't hIjack my thread. Really wanted opinions from females because I need help and the logical reaction is that she is selfish or I am but that is what is strange I really don't think either of those are true. I feel like she just does not get how important this is to me. And confusing cause she enjoys it when we do it but just will not realize I just need it more. For example never in our twelve years of marriage have we had sex two days in a row. She has only Initiated once or twice. For her the pattern seems to be that she wants sex like desert only on weekends only after a really nice day never right after her period never if tired or stressed the list goes on and on. So this means once every few weeks usually. And on these times I have to initiate and it is nice but we don't actually have sex until almost midnight and even then she is like slow down. But once we get going it is great she always orgasms etc plus we really go at it. So odd that this has to be such a rare occurrence. My idea now is to be as nice as I can but no more flirting at all mostly cause I am just tired of the rejection. But if course she wonders what is wrong etc cause I am not being so attentive. She says I am attractive but can't ever say something sexy or fun without me pushing the issues and she only occasionally bites. What gives? Posted via Mobile Device
Hey guy don't hIjack my thread. Really wanted opinions from females because I need help and the logical reaction is that she is selfish or I am but that is what is strange I really don't think either of those are true. I feel like she just does not get how important this is to me. And confusing cause she enjoys it when we do it but just will not realize I just need it more. For example never in our twelve years of marriage have we had sex two days in a row. She has only Initiated once or twice. For her the pattern seems to be that she wants sex like desert only on weekends only after a really nice day never right after her period never if tired or stressed the list goes on and on. So this means once every few weeks usually. And on these times I have to initiate and it is nice but we don't actually have sex until almost midnight and even then she is like slow down. But once we get going it is great she always orgasms etc plus we really go at it. So odd that this has to be such a rare occurrence. My idea now is to be as nice as I can but no more flirting at all mostly cause I am just tired of the rejection. But if course she wonders what is wrong etc cause I am not being so attentive. She says I am attractive but can't ever say something sexy or fun without me pushing the issues and she only occasionally bites. What gives? Posted via Mobile Device
Well for starters you can start by calling us women and not "females". Next up, what are you doing to make yourself emotionally available to her? In reading what you wrote, she has told you she needs more emotional intimacy, so what are you doing?
Hey guy don't hIjack my thread. Really wanted opinions from females because I need help and the logical reaction is that she is selfish or I am but that is what is strange I really don't think either of those are true. I feel like she just does not get how important this is to me. And confusing cause she enjoys it when we do it but just will not realize I just need it more. For example never in our twelve years of marriage have we had sex two days in a row. She has only Initiated once or twice. For her the pattern seems to be that she wants sex like desert only on weekends only after a really nice day never right after her period never if tired or stressed the list goes on and on. So this means once every few weeks usually. And on these times I have to initiate and it is nice but we don't actually have sex until almost midnight and even then she is like slow down. But once we get going it is great she always orgasms etc plus we really go at it. So odd that this has to be such a rare occurrence. My idea now is to be as nice as I can but no more flirting at all mostly cause I am just tired of the rejection. But if course she wonders what is wrong etc cause I am not being so attentive. She says I am attractive but can't ever say something sexy or fun without me pushing the issues and she only occasionally bites. What gives? Posted via Mobile Device
First, I think you need to understand that just because she thinks you're attractive does not mean she will want to have sex with you or feel the desire to please you sexually. I find plenty of men very attractive but have no desire to be anywhere near them and never think about having sex with them.
So, sex for me is more about connection and passion than it is simple attraction. Perhaps your wife is similar and although she finds you attractive she feels no desire or emotional stirring that prompts her to want to have sex with you?
If she is then I can tell you that the only thing that will motivate her to want to have sex with you is to feel passionately moved to do so or a desire to connect with you.
While you may be aroused by simple visual (say if she wears tight pants or her nipples show through her top or just because it's been a week or so and you're horny), she won't be the same. So first you have to understand that she is not at all like you (of course this is only if she is more like me than you).
Then you have to understand that, like you, she can't truly understand you or your needs because she literally is ignorant and even when you spell it out for her, she has trouble empathizing.
This is why I think fear of losing your husband when they "man up" or 180 work temporarily because it stirs the woman's desire to connect. I don't think it will work permanently.
So the question is...what will work?
The answer is not simple otherwise all men would find it and then implement it to get what they want...which is regular sex.
In my opinion, in relationships where sex is not the problem (although there may be a host of other problems of course), the two spouses are in sync for sexual chemistry. The man is physically attracted to the woman and this is maintained and the woman is passionately moved by the husband.
In the case where the man isn't getting sex I think the best advice is to begin to understand your wife's passions, what makes her swoon, get excited, feel moved to great joy or sadness?
I think the love languages touch upon this accidentally. You need to understand your wife's love languages because even though you may have a pretty good foundation in your marriage, you are not successfully moving your wife to feel passionately for you on a day in/day out basis.
Asking her directly may not help either because she may not have any idea, or she have shut this part of herself down completely and won't give herself permission to feel it as a result of taking care of others and what she feels are her life/family obligations.
So I would ask you to figure out what makes your wife excited? What does she love to do for herself as herself? What are the things about her that make her who she is or who she was if she no longer indulges in them?
You give her the outlet to feel comfortable, even entitled, to be her passionate self and I think you will discover she will want to connect with you more sexually.
It's not an easy solution though and there are no guarantees, but really wouldn't any husband who loved his wife want his wife to be able to be her passionate self within the relationship and their family anyway?
Hey guy don't hIjack my thread. Really wanted opinions from females because I need help and the logical reaction is that she is selfish or I am but that is what is strange I really don't think either of those are true. I feel like she just does not get how important this is to me. And confusing cause she enjoys it when we do it but just will not realize I just need it more. For example never in our twelve years of marriage have we had sex two days in a row. She has only Initiated once or twice. For her the pattern seems to be that she wants sex like desert only on weekends only after a really nice day never right after her period never if tired or stressed the list goes on and on. So this means once every few weeks usually. And on these times I have to initiate and it is nice but we don't actually have sex until almost midnight and even then she is like slow down. But once we get going it is great she always orgasms etc plus we really go at it. So odd that this has to be such a rare occurrence. My idea now is to be as nice as I can but no more flirting at all mostly cause I am just tired of the rejection. But if course she wonders what is wrong etc cause I am not being so attentive. She says I am attractive but can't ever say something sexy or fun without me pushing the issues and she only occasionally bites. What gives? Posted via Mobile Device
It wasn't until my husband and I were fully emotionally connected before I really initiated sex. I mean, my husband is the nice guy type, he does everything in the world for me. He's always positive, never complains about anything. He's very patient also. I realized what he was doing and then I began researching how men think and what they need. That's what brought me here. I initiate everyday, which I don't want to be a burden on him, but I can't help it. I'm totally in love with my husband. I have such a great desire for him. Maybe it's because he's so patient, kind, has my back, protects me, is so affectionate towards me, looks me in the eye when we have conversations. My husband and I were defiantly made for each other. We compliment one another very well. After writing my first post, I emailed him another appreciation letter. He's a bit stressed out today and hopefully it will cheer him up. He never shows when he's in a bad mood, but I can feel it in my gut something's bugging him.
It wasn't always like this. After I broke my neck, it took me a long time to accept the pain and limitations. I went from running 36 miles a week to barely walking a few hundred feet at time. My husband always was by my side supporting me, even if we went months without any intimacy. I finally woke up and realized how much effort he put into our marriage day after day. I apologized to him for the past and I promised him this would never happen again. I think we sometimes take life and what we have for granted. It's best to always look at the bright/positive things in life instead of the negative.
Hey guy don't hIjack my thread. Really wanted opinions from females because I need help and the logical reaction is that she is selfish or I am but that is what is strange I really don't think either of those are true. I feel like she just does not get how important this is to me. And confusing cause she enjoys it when we do it but just will not realize I just need it more. For example never in our twelve years of marriage have we had sex two days in a row. She has only Initiated once or twice. For her the pattern seems to be that she wants sex like desert only on weekends only after a really nice day never right after her period never if tired or stressed the list goes on and on. So this means once every few weeks usually. And on these times I have to initiate and it is nice but we don't actually have sex until almost midnight and even then she is like slow down. But once we get going it is great she always orgasms etc plus we really go at it. So odd that this has to be such a rare occurrence. My idea now is to be as nice as I can but no more flirting at all mostly cause I am just tired of the rejection. But if course she wonders what is wrong etc cause I am not being so attentive. She says I am attractive but can't ever say something sexy or fun without me pushing the issues and she only occasionally bites. What gives? Posted via Mobile Device
I don't know, if you guys have mutual respect for each other and neither of you is selfish I think the only logical answer is Life, Life is happening, you have 2 small children, jobs, etc. There are many nights that my H initiates sex and I do not want to do it at all because I"m tired or something, but then it ends up being awesome, it's not that I don't want him, I'm tired and at the moment until I get going I can't imagine being able to get into it at all, therefore, I do not initiate a whole lot....
First, I think you need to understand that just because she thinks you're attractive does not mean she will want to have sex with you or feel the desire to please you sexually. I find plenty of men very attractive but have no desire to be anywhere near them and never think about having sex with them.
So, sex for me is more about connection and passion than it is simple attraction. Perhaps your wife is similar and although she finds you attractive she feels no desire or emotional stirring that prompts her to want to have sex with you?
If she is then I can tell you that the only thing that will motivate her to want to have sex with you is to feel passionately moved to do so or a desire to connect with you.
While you may be aroused by simple visual (say if she wears tight pants or her nipples show through her top or just because it's been a week or so and you're horny), she won't be the same. So first you have to understand that she is not at all like you (of course this is only if she is more like me than you).
Then you have to understand that, like you, she can't truly understand you or your needs because she literally is ignorant and even when you spell it out for her, she has trouble empathizing.
This is why I think fear of losing your husband when they "man up" or 180 work temporarily because it stirs the woman's desire to connect. I don't think it will work permanently.
So the question is...what will work?
The answer is not simple otherwise all men would find it and then implement it to get what they want...which is regular sex.
In my opinion, in relationships where sex is not the problem (although there may be a host of other problems of course), the two spouses are in sync for sexual chemistry. The man is physically attracted to the woman and this is maintained and the woman is passionately moved by the husband.
In the case where the man isn't getting sex I think the best advice is to begin to understand your wife's passions, what makes her swoon, get excited, feel moved to great joy or sadness?
I think the love languages touch upon this accidentally. You need to understand your wife's love languages because even though you may have a pretty good foundation in your marriage, you are not successfully moving your wife to feel passionately for you on a day in/day out basis.
Asking her directly may not help either because she may not have any idea, or she have shut this part of herself down completely and won't give herself permission to feel it as a result of taking care of others and what she feels are her life/family obligations.
So I would ask you to figure out what makes your wife excited? What does she love to do for herself as herself? What are the things about her that make her who she is or who she was if she no longer indulges in them?
You give her the outlet to feel comfortable, even entitled, to be her passionate self and I think you will discover she will want to connect with you more sexually.
It's not an easy solution though and there are no guarantees, but really wouldn't any husband who loved his wife want his wife to be able to be her passionate self within the relationship and their family anyway?
And Trenton sails in Dennis Connor style for the win. Listen to this master yachtswoman.
Ok thanks females! Funny know offense meant. But seriously l appreciate the feedback and think lots if it is accurate. But my hurdle seems to be that the emotional connection she seeks is so elusive. For example that connection often occurs on weekends and sometimes in weekends we have sex. She has very long cycle so at least one weekend of the month it more there is no sex. She does not even consider fooling around at all when on her period or just after. I have never pushed this but does make me scratch my head sometimes in that even if I had to keep my pants on I would happily kiss her and play around anyway I enjoy giving her pleasure. So anyway back to my main point that connection is tough to reach sometimes and even when it is there it often does not mean we will have sex and sadly it has never translated into her initiating. Seriously sick of doing it myself and the thing is I am really into her I am thinking about her almost always when I finally relieve myself. But as I get older I find I really don't like to do that so much makes me sad cannot have the real thing. So should I stick with my current strategy of no physical affection or giving compliments, flirting etc? This last weekend was typical we were all together as a family I had some alone time to work out she had several hours to go shopping while I had kids it was a nice weekend. But at nIght it was like I was with my sister I guess she might have responded if I flirted some but who knows and if we had done it some mysterious clock would have started that says we cannot have sex for at least another week or more. Just tired of not beIng wanted physically. I bet she will rediscover herself sexually right about when I get ED! Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Ladies what do you really want? 
I just tend to get irritated when the auto-response from people is he/she is selfish, has a mental problem...I know that we can only go from what the OP tells us, but the truth of the matter is, there are probably a whole list of things that are factoring into her behavior that we don't know about, not saying anything he is doing/not doing, but I don't like when men say "she can only neglect me for so long" really? and then what? cheat? It's just irritating when men say that....and would be just as irritating if a woman says it...
Next up, what are you doing to make yourself emotionally available to her? In reading what you wrote, she has told you she needs more emotional intimacy, so what are you doing?
