Ok thanks females! Funny know offense meant. But seriously l appreciate the feedback and think lots if it is accurate. But my hurdle seems to be that the emotional connection she seeks is so elusive. For example that connection often occurs on weekends and sometimes in weekends we have sex. She has very long cycle so at least one weekend of the month it more there is no sex. She does not even consider fooling around at all when on her period or just after. I have never pushed this but does make me scratch my head sometimes in that even if I had to keep my pants on I would happily kiss her and play around anyway I enjoy giving her pleasure. So anyway back to my main point that connection is tough to reach sometimes and even when it is there it often does not mean we will have sex and sadly it has never translated into her initiating. Seriously sick of doing it myself and the thing is I am really into her I am thinking about her almost always when I finally relieve myself. But as I get older I find I really don't like to do that so much makes me sad cannot have the real thing. So should I stick with my current strategy of no physical affection or giving compliments, flirting etc? This last weekend was typical we were all together as a family I had some alone time to work out she had several hours to go shopping while I had kids it was a nice weekend. But at nIght it was like I was with my sister I guess she might have responded if I flirted some but who knows and if we had done it some mysterious clock would have started that says we cannot have sex for at least another week or more. Just tired of not beIng wanted physically. I bet she will rediscover herself sexually right about when I get ED! Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry to intrude in the Ladies Lounge, but some of the replies in this post really remind me of a debate on another web site long ago, which became really eye opening about the differences between men and women describing a subject like this.
On this other site, I noticed what I thought to be some interesting differences in how the men and women interpreted intimacy. They were using the same terms, but I got the impression that the men understood the words to mean something completely different than the women. I had never participated in forums outside my career fields, but my wife and I did seem to really understand each other well when it comes to a positive sex life, so I replied. Biggest mistake ever. Learned not to touch certain paradigms.
Regardless, there are a couple of areas where I personally think some men miss a subtle, but very important point in these discussions.
First, when we put alot of effort into trying to understand her needs, we often make the assumption that asking or observing her alone will not only enlighten us, but be enough to maintain a strong sex life. Maybe we mimic the things she likes, such as watching certain types of shows or movies. The problem is, most women have a really good handle on what they like, but how can a younger wife automatically know what she will eventually come to like in the masculine traits that her husband will bring to the relationship? We should expect her needs to change over time.
It is far too easy, in my opinion, for us guys to stop at just mirroring her interest in what she already knows of herself early in the relationship. My dad used to jokingly say that too many men try to become more like a woman in their desire to make her happy, but lose the masculine part of us in the process. We forget that a younger woman may not have the experience to know what to tell us when it comes to our masculine identity and how it can really affect her. You see men who say that their wife was happy with them at first, but began to be less interested in them and actually make comments about other men's traits. In our response to such posts, we can't always assume that she no longer appreciates the nice things he does, or even assume that he isn't working hard to maintain intimacy. Sometimes, she's just grown, and may appreciate the masculine confidence more. For example, if she's never been comfortable with the role of the initiator, expecting her to keep initiating is pretty pointless if she responds to a strong initiator.
In this type of case, where it isn't a case of a wife deliberately pulling away from the intimacy, I don't think that refusing to initiate, or spend time with her, or any other 180 tactic will really accomplish anything. Its like asking her to be someone she isn't. And then it seems like the goal for many men at this time just becomes sex. What she perceives to be a mechanical act. In my opinion, this is the time that a husband really needs to focus more on confidence, initiating intimacy more confidently, but doing so in a way that makes it obvious that she is the goal, and not that the sex act itself is the goal. The sex part of it comes naturally in most cases, if we really understand how her needs mature or change through the years.
From what I've read here, it seems that someone like Inlovewithmyhusband (who has a physical disability) has a very strong (and more frequent) love life than I do (and that's great for her). I just want to move myself in that direction more and I think that both my wife and I would enjoy.
I'll also ask if you've read up on what a man thinks about the bond that sex forms between him and his spouse. Sounds like Inlovewithmyhusband has. I just read about it myself a few months back and it really opened my eyes. Before that I often questioned myself thinking that it was just the physical aspect of the act that was lacking but there is a much deeper bond that men form with sex than women realize.
Your absolutely right, it's a bond that is very deep. It's so beautiful it's hard to describe with words.
It took me 3 years to accept my disability/neck(spine) injury and I'm grateful for life and I don't take anything for granted. We were headed for a sexless marriage because of my neck pain until I woke up and realized how much my husband was supporting/doing for me. We can't get wild and crazy like I'd like to, but the passion is there.
You can't have sex without passion either. It's a very disconnected feeling. I pray my drive continues on this path.
My husband and I both put a lot of effort into our marriage to make it this successful.
Halien, your point is important because my husband watching a movie I like won't do anything for me beyond a weee bit of appreciation for him being willing to sit through something he doesn't like for me (which I would also do for him).
What gets me going is him going out of his way to support what I'm passionate about. Which is why, in my previous post, I kept reiterating terms like passionate and connection.
Recently my husband stayed late at work to design and print 100 posters for an upcoming gala I'm involved in for a cause I am deeply passionate about. You can bet that his actions thrilled me. Just last night he surprised me with new business cards and a beautiful, beautiful business card holder and you can bet I was blushed with desire and appreciation. I was in the hospital recently because my heart is acting up and he came with me. The only time my heart rate would go down is when he would hold my hand. The doctor actually told him to specifically hold my hand during the procedures because of this.
Our sex life has never suffered. When I say find out what she is passionate about and connect with her deeply...I'm not talking bring home flowers and watch a chick flick. I'm talking investing in love regularly, consistently and on her level by supporting and promoting what makes her feel alive. Then it's easily returned with a smile.
I get that some guys might read this and think...yeah, sure, the man has to be perfect and do all these things just for sex when sex should be something that is a natural occurrence in a marriage.
Let's get real here though. You really love someone and you want to invest in them, you enjoy investing in them. That's the thing.
And then it seems like the goal for many men at this time just becomes sex. What she perceives to be a mechanical act.
This, yes. Intimacy is a combination of emotional, intellectual and physical intimacy. For some, there is also a shared spiritual intimacy.
If we lose the emotional and intellectual connection, sex becomes only about relieving a physical need (mechanical, physical only). And then when a man only notices the bad sex life and focus on having sex sex sex, a woman can become resentful because it seems that's the only kind of intimacy her man "cares" about...that's the kind he wants to "fix".
How many threads are started with "my wife won't have sex with me"? How many are started by men with "my wife and I have drifted apart and are not connecting on an emotional level" or "we don't seem to have much to talk about anymore" or "we don't seem to share excitement about our future together?" or "we have not learned how to argue productively and are constantly bickering and nagging each other"?
That speaks volumes to me - it says men only see a problem if they aren't having sex as often as they want to. Everything else can go to hell in the relationship, but dammit, sex is the only thing they care enough to put effort into fixing it.
I don't feel long-term physical passion for a man unless he and I are in sync emotionally and intellectually, too. If that's broken, he can call me LD or whatever, but the truth is, I'm not into him in other ways and am not connecting with him in other ways LONG BEFORE I lose interest in having sex with him. He just never noticed or listened to me saying so before - not until the sex dried up. THEN, we have a "problem", by his definition.
No I just thInk you took a lot of effort into a post that blames men completely. I came to this forum cause I see in men's forum it is often turned into a man up thing or she is spoiled etc. was hoping to avoid that kind if knee jerk reaction here. Posted via Mobile Device
to me its all about control, whether its a man or a woman that doesnt want sex (there are plenty of examples of both on TAM). "i have something you want and im gonna get what i want first"
No I just thInk you took a lot of effort into a post that blames men completely. I came to this forum cause I see in men's forum it is often turned into a man up thing or she is spoiled etc. was hoping to avoid that kind if knee jerk reaction here. Posted via Mobile Device
You came here in the Ladies Lounge asking questions. Do you want to hear answers or do you want to attack those of us who answer you? I don't give a rat's butt about you but I will answer if your question is sincere and not a method to toss barbs at women. So what shall it be?
Answers are great but to just go on some rant about men in journal is a waste of time. All I said was that she should have saved her two cents and all of a sudden you are in here talking about rat's butts. Who is attacking?
Answers are great but to just go on some rant about men in journal is a waste of time. All I said was that she should have saved her two cents and all of a sudden you are in here talking about rat's butts. Who is attacking?
I think norajane's comment was well presented, it didn't sound accusatory or mean toward men, rather she was trying to give it to you from what could be your wife's perspective....
You came here in the Ladies Lounge asking questions. Do you want to hear answers or do you want to attack those of us who answer you? I don't give a rat's butt about you but I will answer if your question is sincere and not a method to toss barbs at women. So what shall it be?
Nora's answer was a general rant against what "men" complain about and see. (E.g., "it says men only see a problem if they aren't having sex as often as they want to"). There are plently of women who complain about being in a sexless marriage and their complaints sound very similar to the male complaints. It can be offensive when someone says men are suffering from a terrible sex life because " he never noticed or listened to me".
I, for one, absolutly am attuned to my wife, her feelings, moods, sentiments. I can order for her better than she can for herself. I anticipate her needs and wants. I listen to her problems; I try to make her laugh; I gave her 2 years of not asking for anything after our last baby.
She will say I do as much as anyone can ask for from a husband, as will any of her friends or family that are around. And no, I am not whipped, I like being helpful and simply love her.
She was perfectly happy and not thinking anything was wrong with me or our relationship. Her problem was that she did not understand sex as an emotional connection - it is just sex, which is exhausting. She took a long time and 3rd party verification (she read sex starved marriage, she wouldn't take my word for it because I was just trying to get sex). She finally understands there is an emotional aspect. She is "trying" to be better.
This is not a she/he thing, it is a her/me thing. Gender stereotyping is not 2 cents, it is worthless and offensive to those to whom it does not apply.
The personal aspects of Nora's comment was very helpful though - hey make sure your wife is happy (amazing how many people miss this aspect of their sex life).
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Re: Ladies what do you really want? 
