Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband View Post
So anyhow we did have a talk last night and I guess it helped to open the dialogue more. As I stated earlier it is the classic not feeling connected emotionally thus not attracted. I do indersrand that and respect it but still leaves us stuck because when I do not get that physical connection I am not as tuned into how I act or speak. I am not a jerk but it just feels like friends which is so tough for me. Of course the clearest path appears to be working in that emotional connection and then the physical should improve but as I stated before that has not really played out that way before. So she feels frustrated with me as she is seeing the MC without me. I just can't go because it proved so poorly last time. If I thought would help I would go. You see last time I really focused on things and even the counselor pointed out how thus was clearly a change but my wife never warmed up. She told me well it is great but I dont trust it. That went in for several months and I never got more of the physical connection.....yes sex and all that goes with that. You see where I am stuck? Of course I will do my best to be a good husband and partner but dam it is hard when I know she does not think of me the same way I think of her.
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From the outset, I'd like to say that my comments are not aimed at the men on this thread, but are aimed instead on some basic paradigms that seem to exist on this site.
Prior to last year, I had never seen a site that discussed marital issues. Culturally, since both of my grandmothers were from a native american people who were loosely aligned to the Cherokee, and I lived with one grandmother off and on through childhood, most of my healthy views of marriage came through this culture. Among her people, your beliefs shaped your heritage, and it wasn't shaped by the percentage of her tribe's blood in your veins. The difference, maybe subtle, was that sexuality was a natural part of a person from the early days, and not just something that decended on you in the middle teenage years. Just saying that differences in the way a person perceived sexuality was as naturally different as other parts of your personality. And the way that it was expressed in a relationship was different.
My point is that when we encounter problems like the men go through in a thread like this, it may not be as simple as some of the arguments back and forth try to make it. Its not fair to lump certain women in a low sex drive category, because it may include a category where women haven't really understood their sexuality well enough to convey it to their partner. Maybe it can be helpful to really look into the paradigms we brought into in marriage instead, at least to try to understand each other's point of view without all the frustration.
Commonly on this site, I see men who are hurt because their wife doesn't initiate sex often enough. We put it into words that declare that it should be her responsibility to make the same effort we do. Somewhere along the line, we link this to something like a cultural expectation that a woman is right if she complies to this norm, and wrong if she doesn't. Maybe I'm naive, but it seems like if I ask my wife and her friends what the cultural norm is, they will describe a completely different set of expectations. And then everyone piles a load of pride and self-respect upon making it fit into these cultural norms. So, if a wife says that she needs an emotional connection, in a sense we add that item to this checklist and try to squeeze it into the program on a daily basis.
I don't mean to demean the way that people describe the problem. We all know that a complex idea gets lost or watered down when we try to put it into words. Really, the whole point of trying to focus on this paradigm is to only bring up the point that there is a very complex set of traits that make up individual sexuality that tends to be standardized through this whole discussion.
My grandmother's people talked about individual sexuality using spiritual terms that don't really have meaning outside of their culture. One story told is about how a warrior tried to win a woman's heart with gifts, bringing simple items, but the one who captured her heart showed her a colorful scene within a forest, because he understood that her needs were very complex, and well beyond his own. But once he showed her this, her heart was always his. The point was that her sexuality was complex, and it is only won through respecting the uniqueness of it. Maybe this part sounds like an extreme oversimplification, but when my wife and I went through marriage counseling with a native american counselor, she had no background with my beliefs, and was surprised by the frank nature of the discussions about the need to throw away assumptions about paradigms and start over with just a focus on understanding each other's sexuality. Instead of focusing completely on the sex act itself, the counselor would jokingly say that this would work itself out in a few years, but we had to understand the spirit within first. He was talking about understanding that complex combination of feelings like enticement, boldness, passion and security within our spouse that makes them really look forward to sex.
For us, though, since I was mixed heritage, I would say that the practical way that we helped my wife overcome some of her reservations about sex was through reading about the tantric principles behind tantric sex. It helped us express needs and interests more clearly, and build a good connection as a couple.
Not sure if this helps much, because I'm far from an expert. Still I think we can all benefit from examining the paradigms that we take for granted.