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Ladies what do you really want?

20K views 191 replies 38 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
Been looking around on here lately and it appears my wife and I are at a crossroads yet again. We love each other and have two small children. Yet it alway seems we have a conflict either a big one or something so small I do not know what it is. My wife is always wanting to "fix" our problem for good which she sees as communication.
I don't think it is communication at all she just does not like some of my answers. Seriously when we have a serious talk she almost starts to cross examine my responses and almost get me to answer a certain way. The big problem we have is really just the classic one: I want and need more sex. She wants more communication and closeness. But here is the kicker I can give her all the closeness and communication to the moon and back but yet the sex life stays as a total back burner for her.
We tried marriage counseling but in the end it seemed to make things worse. It was like she tested me in between each session. Now before anyone says well I need to help her more around the house etc. trust me I more than pull my share. On the flip side if you say I need to Man-up etc. I have tried that too. Once in counseling she even admitted that she does not know what gets her in the mood I even joked it is like Green Eggs and Ham. We all had a laugh and she agreed.
Lately I have just kind of given up cause tired of being the one that in charge of getting her in the mood only to be shot down 90% of the time. She says she is still in love with me and finds me attractive but never ever says anything sexy to me. Never really compliments me much at -- I did not even notice this for like the first 10 years cause not that big of deal to me but now it makes me resentful to tell her how beautiful she is etc. when I never hear anything back. So anyway we are in a three week no sex slump and I have not said a word about sex nor flirted or anything. After kids go to bed she is happy to look at FB, Pinterest or watch TV. Feel like I have another sister.

Not sure what I should do - she thinks we need to go back to counseling and work on communicating more as if she could just change me into the perfect clone of what she wants then life would be fine. For now I am just going to be that clone I guess but will not cannot show her any real husband type affection cause then I feel used.

Any ideas?
 
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#2 ·
Join the club....there is nothing you can do. When situations like this occur, men are basically helpless until the woman decides she wants to change and have a happier marriage. Right now she is only focused on what she needs and not what you need. When and if she ever decides to put her selfishness aside and consider you for once, she might discover that everything she has been wanting and desiring in the marriage will suddenly be fulfilled. Good luck!
 
#3 ·
Ok...sometimes it's not about us being selfish believe it or not....It gets tiring being the one that does the bulk of the work around the house, even if you do help her out, how much more does she do(?), does she work a full time job? As mom's, especially to young children, it seems that we never have time to ourselves and sometimes that's all we want...If we aren't taking care of the kids, we're taking care of the house and after that we have to take care of "your" needs, where does the "me" time come in for us???

Luckily for my H, I want him most of the time just as much as he wants me, we average 4 times per week or so, but there are nights that I just want to be left alone to do what I want to do....Actually I went through a period one year where all I wanted was to be left alone...you get so tired, as the mom and wife, of running constantly doing what everyone else wants and needs you to do....

I'm not denying that there is a problem there and you guys need to work on it, but it's not just a matter of the wife being "selfish".....
 
#5 ·
Well, his post did say, "Now before anyone says well I need to help her more around the house etc. trust me I more than pull my share." So, I don't think she is just tired from housework. Besides that, how much longer are women going to use the housework/I need "me" time excuse? Men are tired and need "me" time too are they not? You will only get out of a relationship what you are willing to put into it. It sounds like this guy's wife wants to reap all the benefits without lifting a finger to keep the marriage alive and strong.
 
#4 ·
We actually really agree on chores. I work full time she works part time but i do most of the grocery and cooking as well as at least half of kids laundry. We really get a long in this way and are very fair to each other - we never argue over chores. That is not it for us. She says she just is not the type to be overtly flirty or sexual but she is lots of fun in bed and is receptive to all kinds of stuff once we get going.
 
#10 ·
Dude you and I are in the same boat minus counseling with longer lapses.

I essentially gave up trying to "fix" our issue, one can only do so much. Then you are done.

I'll try when she tries... that's where I'm at.

Otherwise I just live my life and don't give her too much in return extra. I'm not mean, I do my share but I no longer go out of my way to try to impress her etc.

If she complains about anything I let it just roll off my back without saying anything.

She got us here... I tried really hard for two years. I'm done.

I won't leave her because i made a lifelong vow. One of these days I'm hoping she gets a clue and decides that sex is a way to have a better marriage. She is not deaf so I know she has heard over and over my main needs. Up to her now.

Good Luck.

PS... I feel better not feeling like I'm doing nice stuff that gets no response.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Women need to understand that you can only neglect a husband for so long.
 
#22 ·
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Women need to understand that you can only neglect a husband for so long.
You know what my very first post here at TAM was? A question about how to give my husband better oral sex after years of him being the refuser/non communicator. That was two years ago and he thought all was well because he was getting laid and I didn't mind since I am a very HD woman/part dude. Know what? None of my needs are being met, none. His idea of communication is letting me know who he traded on his fantasy football team, updating me on his career and sending me cartoon jokes via email. He will look you dead in the eye and tell you we "talk" all the time. When we do "talk" about us, it is me doing the talking while his eyes dart around the room or he plays with his phone. Eye contact doesn't exist with that man.
You know that high drive I mentioned? Dead for him. Not for others, just for him.
 
#12 ·
Once we started 'communicating' was when the crockery started to fly. When people say 'we need to communicate more/better' often they mean 'you have to listen and obey a whole helluva lot more' which, to be frank, is often a good idea. I wouldn't stress the chores thing though unless and until you can agree on two things: 1) a compact list of what those are and 2) a clear understanding that once apportioned, WHOMEVER has that chore is free to do it however they wish w.o. the other person clucking and complaining about it. Related to this is the old passive aggressive caveat: "If you want me to do something, ask. But if you demand to do something yourself for the thrill of whining and complaining about it later, go do that somewhere else. I don't care."
 
#13 ·
Every woman is different. For me, I want honesty, affection, respect, trust, love, ect... Affection is at the top of my list. I need flirting(from husband only), touch, holding time, sex, ect...

All of my needs are met. I'm very open with my communication and I make sure all my husbands needs are met as well. I tell him that I appreciate all the effort he puts in. I thank him constantly for the things he does for me.

My husband and I put equal effort into our marriage as far as our needs go. We don't have expectations of each other, but we both do what needs to be done with life in general. He obviously puts in more physical work then I since I'm disabled, I have a lot of down/resting time, but I do make sure the housework is done and the kids and pets are taken care of. He works(more then one job) to pay the bills and does all of the grocery/supply shopping.

Our marriage is very strong and we have a very deep bond. We are each others best friend. We found true love with each other. We support one another with our hobbies, dreams and goals.
 
#15 ·
I think that's a huge problem in marriages, you need to be each others best friend, you need to have fun together and work together. If a marriage is treated like a "you do for me because it's your obligation as my husband/wife, and you can only neglect me for so long before I'll find it elsewhere..." it doesn't make it fun for anyone involved...When my H is being fun, laughing with me and joking with me (which are some of my biggest needs from him) I am more attracted to him than ever.

It's awesome that you and your husband have such an awesome relationship :)
 
#18 ·
She says she is still in love with me and finds me attractive but never ever says anything sexy to me. Never really compliments me much at -- I did not even notice this for like the first 10 years cause not that big of deal to me but now it makes me resentful to tell her how beautiful she is etc. when I never hear anything back.
So you are expecting her to be different after 10 years of being who she is? Why?

I don't know what will help you, but I don't see how counseling can hurt. It should be able to help YOU communicate with your wife, and to help her learn to listen to you instead of trying to get you to say what she wants to hear, if that is what is going on based on your OP.

If she is saying that communication and closeness is a problem, it IS a problem whether you think so or not. Lots of sexual problems start outside the bedroom - they are marital problems that lead to lack of sex. A counselor is a good place to explore those problems and to express yourself and your frustrations.
 
#23 ·
Hey guy don't hIjack my thread. Really wanted opinions from females because I need help and the logical reaction is that she is selfish or I am but that is what is strange I really don't think either of those are true. I feel like she just does not get how important this is to me. And confusing cause she enjoys it when we do it but just will not realize I just need it more. For example never in our twelve years of marriage have we had sex two days in a row. She has only Initiated once or twice. For her the pattern seems to be that she wants sex like desert only on weekends only after a really nice day never right after her period never if tired or stressed the list goes on and on. So this means once every few weeks usually. And on these times I have to initiate and it is nice but we don't actually have sex until almost midnight and even then she is like slow down. But once we get going it is great she always orgasms etc plus we really go at it. So odd that this has to be such a rare occurrence. My idea now is to be as nice as I can but no more flirting at all mostly cause I am just tired of the rejection. But if course she wonders what is wrong etc cause I am not being so attentive. She says I am attractive but can't ever say something sexy or fun without me pushing the issues and she only occasionally bites. What gives?
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#29 ·
Ok thanks females! Funny know offense meant. But seriously l appreciate the feedback and think lots if it is accurate. But my hurdle seems to be that the emotional connection she seeks is so elusive. For example that connection often occurs on weekends and sometimes in weekends we have sex. She has very long cycle so at least one weekend of the month it more there is no sex. She does not even consider fooling around at all when on her period or just after. I have never pushed this but does make me scratch my head sometimes in that even if I had to keep my pants on I would happily kiss her and play around anyway I enjoy giving her pleasure. So anyway back to my main point that connection is tough to reach sometimes and even when it is there it often does not mean we will have sex and sadly it has never translated into her initiating. Seriously sick of doing it myself and the thing is I am really into her I am thinking about her almost always when I finally relieve myself. But as I get older I find I really don't like to do that so much makes me sad cannot have the real thing. So should I stick with my current strategy of no physical affection or giving compliments, flirting etc? This last weekend was typical we were all together as a family I had some alone time to work out she had several hours to go shopping while I had kids it was a nice weekend. But at nIght it was like I was with my sister I guess she might have responded if I flirted some but who knows and if we had done it some mysterious clock would have started that says we cannot have sex for at least another week or more. Just tired of not beIng wanted physically. I bet she will rediscover herself sexually right about when I get ED!
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#46 ·
Sorry to intrude in the Ladies Lounge, but some of the replies in this post really remind me of a debate on another web site long ago, which became really eye opening about the differences between men and women describing a subject like this.

On this other site, I noticed what I thought to be some interesting differences in how the men and women interpreted intimacy. They were using the same terms, but I got the impression that the men understood the words to mean something completely different than the women. I had never participated in forums outside my career fields, but my wife and I did seem to really understand each other well when it comes to a positive sex life, so I replied. Biggest mistake ever. Learned not to touch certain paradigms.

Regardless, there are a couple of areas where I personally think some men miss a subtle, but very important point in these discussions.

First, when we put alot of effort into trying to understand her needs, we often make the assumption that asking or observing her alone will not only enlighten us, but be enough to maintain a strong sex life. Maybe we mimic the things she likes, such as watching certain types of shows or movies. The problem is, most women have a really good handle on what they like, but how can a younger wife automatically know what she will eventually come to like in the masculine traits that her husband will bring to the relationship? We should expect her needs to change over time.

It is far too easy, in my opinion, for us guys to stop at just mirroring her interest in what she already knows of herself early in the relationship. My dad used to jokingly say that too many men try to become more like a woman in their desire to make her happy, but lose the masculine part of us in the process. We forget that a younger woman may not have the experience to know what to tell us when it comes to our masculine identity and how it can really affect her. You see men who say that their wife was happy with them at first, but began to be less interested in them and actually make comments about other men's traits. In our response to such posts, we can't always assume that she no longer appreciates the nice things he does, or even assume that he isn't working hard to maintain intimacy. Sometimes, she's just grown, and may appreciate the masculine confidence more. For example, if she's never been comfortable with the role of the initiator, expecting her to keep initiating is pretty pointless if she responds to a strong initiator.

In this type of case, where it isn't a case of a wife deliberately pulling away from the intimacy, I don't think that refusing to initiate, or spend time with her, or any other 180 tactic will really accomplish anything. Its like asking her to be someone she isn't. And then it seems like the goal for many men at this time just becomes sex. What she perceives to be a mechanical act. In my opinion, this is the time that a husband really needs to focus more on confidence, initiating intimacy more confidently, but doing so in a way that makes it obvious that she is the goal, and not that the sex act itself is the goal. The sex part of it comes naturally in most cases, if we really understand how her needs mature or change through the years.
 
#30 ·
Well doing things like that when on your period is a person by person thing...some women are cool with it, others aren't and I think that is something best left to someone's personal preference....Nothing says sexy like a visit from Aunt Flo!!! And the smell is simply intoxicating!!! lol sorry :eek:
 
#31 ·
Yeah I have never pushed that as I stated but see then I am left with three possible weekends. It really is like a puzzle that cannot be solved she has basically admitted to that and said I am just not into flirting or initating and oh by the way I want you to focus in our marriage but that never ever helps me with my issue. Seriously even during the very best periods of our marriage I have struggled openly and quietly with this lack of sexual intimacy. I think part of it is that she does not understand what it means to think about sex all the time and the other part us that I should just accept her for how she is..... Which makes a lot if sense but I can't go have sex with anyone else so I am stuck. If we did not have kids I would just be gone a lot and hopefully she would desire me. I look at other pretty women and think us this how they are too? She is such a great woman seriously I love her so much but I just can't show it much anymore until she starts by telling me nice things and being sweet to me in a way that is different than her brother.
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#32 ·
Have only read a little bit of this post so far but I have to disagree with Green Eyes a little (at least in my situation)
Our children are mostly older now (13, 18 and 20) and the oldest is away at school. My wife of 26 years works part time during the week (less than 4 hours per day) and yet I am still in the same boat as Veryconfudedhusband and like him, I do help around the house too, everything from washes dishes after dinner (the only meal I am consistently home for) to laundry as well as the typical manly things (yard work, repairs etc.)

We have talked about this many times over the years and went to counseling too. Things would improve for a few weeks or a month and then just backslide despite my efforts of spending more time with her (for God's sake I even sit and watch Dr. Phil with her at night and some other shows I'm too embarrassed to acknowledge). Don't get me wrong, she's actually a great wife except in this one respect. I love spending time with her and talking, she is my most trusted friend.

I too have done the Alpha dog approach with limited success and most of the time I just feel like checking out. She RARELY initiates and I know that this and the low frequency makes me feel like less of a man since it seems (after numerous rejections) that my wife does not want me in that way. No, I have't let myself go at all and she in the last year has lost 30 lbs and look great (but I always thought and told her she looked beautiful to me).

i know she loves and cares for me but after 26 years of marriage it's not always enough.
 
#34 ·
Have only read a little bit of this post so far but I have to disagree with Green Eyes a little (at least in my situation)
Our children are mostly older now (13, 18 and 20) and the oldest is away at school. My wife of 26 years works part time during the week (less than 4 hours per day) and yet I am still in the same boat as Veryconfudedhusband and like him, I do help around the house too, everything from washes dishes after dinner (the only meal I am consistently home for) to laundry as well as the typical manly things (yard work, repairs etc.)

We have talked about this many times over the years and went to counseling too. Things would improve for a few weeks or a month and then just backslide despite my efforts of spending more time with her (for God's sake I even sit and watch Dr. Phil with her at night and some other shows I'm too embarrassed to acknowledge). Don't get me wrong, she's actually a great wife except in this one respect. I love spending time with her and talking, she is my most trusted friend.

I too have done the Alpha dog approach with limited success and most of the time I just feel like checking out. She RARELY initiates and I know that this and the low frequency makes me feel like less of a man since it seems (after numerous rejections) that my wife does not want me in that way. No, I have't let myself go at all and she in the last year has lost 30 lbs and look great (but I always thought and told her she looked beautiful to me).

i know she loves and cares for me but after 26 years of marriage it's not always enough.
I think this explains why the divorce rates are so huge....forget the fact that she is a wonderful wife, does a lot for you, is your most trusted friend, that's not enough...so in other words a wife that doesn't do sh*t, is not trustworthy and does not care about you, but had sex with you a couple times a week would be better?

The thing about marriage, as I posted before, it's not always going to be perfect, you are not going to be happy as a little clam 100% of the time and neither is she, it's how you come through these times together that makes it what it is, and people just aren't willing. I understand that sex is a necessity, I love it, couldn't live without it (well unless my H had a medical reason he couldn't, then I would manage) my point is that sex is now looked at as top priority, marriage is perfect in every way, but not quite up to your expectations sexually, chuck it! .....JMO
 
#33 ·
As I believe Rhett Butler the comedienne on said "A man is like a linoliem floor. Lay him well and you can walk on him for 40 years!"

I know that for myself when we have one of those weeks where we have actually had sex two times in 7 days, I am very complient and my wife knows this!
 
#35 ·
Toffer that does sound similar and bit good for my future. Sometimes I wish she was the type to go out more with girlfriends etc and maybe they would gossip or something cause this can't be how most women perceive normal. I have tried this approach many years ago and she just said well I dont care about what other people do. But I would hope a good girlfriend or someone would change her perspective about this.....this complete lack of initiation and desire is this normal or ok? Women? Wish I could find a way to flirt without flirting and please don't tell me help with kids and all that cause I do lots and most cooking and cleaning etc too or at least half this is not an issue seriously I wish I was one of those guys who could just be more attentive and helpful and have a better sex life but trust me it has zero effect. So ideas? I really appreciate a woman's idea cause I am stuck!
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#37 ·
Never been one to intimate much but much more suggestive when dating and then less after married and now even less. Chuck it? Are u kidding? This is like basic thing eating, sleeping, sex. I cannot turn it off just because other areas are good in our marriage. I guess that is what she wants? Who knows?
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#38 ·
GreenEyes, this explains why divorce rates are high?? I have been with my wife (married) for over 26 years now! If I had wanted out over this issue ALONE (and BTW, I didn't say I wanted out NOW but I see how you may have gotten that idea by my choice of wording) I would have been gone years ago.

We went through the same issues many folks here are experiencing now and especially the issues of my wife's lack of desire when the children were younger. I knew she was tired and needed me time as well as some richly deserved sleep and I used to help her get that by yaking the kids to visit their grandparents on the weekends so she could sleep-in, go to the mall, hang with friends etc.

From what I've read here, it seems that someone like Inlovewithmyhusband (who has a physical disability) has a very strong (and more frequent) love life than I do (and that's great for her). I just want to move myself in that direction more and I think that both my wife and I would enjoy.

I'll also ask if you've read up on what a man thinks about the bond that sex forms between him and his spouse. Sounds like Inlovewithmyhusband has. I just read about it myself a few months back and it really opened my eyes. Before that I often questioned myself thinking that it was just the physical aspect of the act that was lacking but there is a much deeper bond that men form with sex than women realize.

May I ask about your relationship? How long have you been married? How many kids (and what ages)?. How often do you and your spouse have sex? How often do you initiate?
 
#48 ·
From what I've read here, it seems that someone like Inlovewithmyhusband (who has a physical disability) has a very strong (and more frequent) love life than I do (and that's great for her). I just want to move myself in that direction more and I think that both my wife and I would enjoy.

I'll also ask if you've read up on what a man thinks about the bond that sex forms between him and his spouse. Sounds like Inlovewithmyhusband has. I just read about it myself a few months back and it really opened my eyes. Before that I often questioned myself thinking that it was just the physical aspect of the act that was lacking but there is a much deeper bond that men form with sex than women realize.
Your absolutely right, it's a bond that is very deep. It's so beautiful it's hard to describe with words.

It took me 3 years to accept my disability/neck(spine) injury and I'm grateful for life and I don't take anything for granted. We were headed for a sexless marriage because of my neck pain until I woke up and realized how much my husband was supporting/doing for me. We can't get wild and crazy like I'd like to, but the passion is there.

You can't have sex without passion either. It's a very disconnected feeling. I pray my drive continues on this path.

My husband and I both put a lot of effort into our marriage to make it this successful.
 
#39 ·
^^^ Been together 9 years, married 4, 2 kids (4 and 8)....sex varies from 3 to 5 times a week, and sometimes, but rarely, once or twice a week depending on his work schedule, he works midnights sometimes...Sometimes twice a day, ex. this weekend kids were gone for the night and the next day, he got oral (initiated by me) and regular (also initiated by me) He initiates more than I do, but I do when I want to, only turn him down if I am exhausted, sick or uber p*ssed at him for something....even when I'm mad though I rarely turn him down cuz I still have needs lol....When he's sick, tired or mad he turns me down too though so that one works both ways for us....
 
#40 ·
That's great for you. Sounds a little more like our sex life was too many years ago and therein lies my issue.

While I know I am not perfect I do know that I do more around the house than I was able to do earlier in our marriage. I chalk that up to the kids being older and more responsible now and two out of three have their own cars (and one is away in college) Currently, my wife works 3.5 hours a day (M - F) and I commute 1.5 hours each way to work (leave house at 6 AM and typically home just before 7 PM). ife's commute is 7 mins one way

I could only wish for sex 3 - 5 times a week! I know that we have had sex a total of 9 times since January 1st. I'm not even expecting or hoping for anything close to what you have. Hell, If I was having sex 5 times in a two week period I'd be much happier!

Also, I have NEVER turned my wife away when she intiated except for one time years ago where I was uber p*ssed and she knew how mad I was and tried to make me get over it with sex. Like you have needs, I have needs. My wife does too but again not as hish a drive as I have.

I hope you never have to live with the feelings of rejection that I and other members of this board (both male and female) have had when they've been turned down time and time again. It is soul crushing regardless of gender and for a man it is a blow to our often too tender egos and gives us pause to start questioning our self worth. If your husband rebuffed you 80% of the times you intiated, don't you think that you'd start to wonder if you were attractive enough for him or a good enough lover? These are the kinds of thoughts that will go through your mind after YEARS of rejection with no good reason other than I'm tired, it's that time of the month, etc. As it stands now, most of our intimacy (when it does happen) is on the weekends so it's not like we have to get up early for work
 
#42 ·
Veryconfusedhusband, sorry for jacking your thread.

I just thought it necessary to try and give GreenEyes a little more perspective of what I am going through after her last response to me. I also felt that you're going down the same road I did and I hope my 26 year perspective will keep you from making the same mistakes that I did. I let my wife convince me earlier in our marriage (when we were dealing with a very young family) that sex wasn't as important as the kids and there needs so she/we needed to pretty much put it aside at times and focus on them. MISTAKE

GreenEyes, I mean no offense. We are both just coming from different places and I was just trying to illustrate that point because I thought you were starting to paint this issue with a slightly broad brush. You are obviously a more sexual woman than my wife ever was. That's a good thing and you have a very lucky husband! Don't ever lose that aspect of your personality!
 
#44 ·
Absolutely no offense taken :D And I truly meant none either. I really hope that for both you and the OP things turn themselves around because you are absolutely right, nobody wants to be rejected and feel unloved or unattractive to their SO I agree with you on that 100%.
 
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