Ladies what do you really want?
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Ladies what do you really want?

Been looking around on here lately and it appears my wife and I are at a crossroads yet again. We love each other and have two small children. Yet it alway seems we have a conflict either a big one or something so small I do not know what it is. My wife is always wanting to "fix" our problem for good which she sees as communication.
I don't think it is communication at all she just does not like some of my answers. Seriously when we have a serious talk she almost starts to cross examine my responses and almost get me to answer a certain way. The big problem we have is really just the classic one: I want and need more sex. She wants more communication and closeness. But here is the kicker I can give her all the closeness and communication to the moon and back but yet the sex life stays as a total back burner for her.
We tried marriage counseling but in the end it seemed to make things worse. It was like she tested me in between each session. Now before anyone says well I need to help her more around the house etc. trust me I more than pull my share. On the flip side if you say I need to Man-up etc. I have tried that too. Once in counseling she even admitted that she does not know what gets her in the mood I even joked it is like Green Eggs and Ham. We all had a laugh and she agreed.
Lately I have just kind of given up cause tired of being the one that in charge of getting her in the mood only to be shot down 90% of the time. She says she is still in love with me and finds me attractive but never ever says anything sexy to me. Never really compliments me much at -- I did not even notice this for like the first 10 years cause not that big of deal to me but now it makes me resentful to tell her how beautiful she is etc. when I never hear anything back. So anyway we are in a three week no sex slump and I have not said a word about sex nor flirted or anything. After kids go to bed she is happy to look at FB, Pinterest or watch TV. Feel like I have another sister.

Not sure what I should do - she thinks we need to go back to counseling and work on communicating more as if she could just change me into the perfect clone of what she wants then life would be fine. For now I am just going to be that clone I guess but will not cannot show her any real husband type affection cause then I feel used.

Any ideas?
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Join the club....there is nothing you can do. When situations like this occur, men are basically helpless until the woman decides she wants to change and have a happier marriage. Right now she is only focused on what she needs and not what you need. When and if she ever decides to put her selfishness aside and consider you for once, she might discover that everything she has been wanting and desiring in the marriage will suddenly be fulfilled. Good luck!
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:04 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Ok...sometimes it's not about us being selfish believe it or not....It gets tiring being the one that does the bulk of the work around the house, even if you do help her out, how much more does she do(?), does she work a full time job? As mom's, especially to young children, it seems that we never have time to ourselves and sometimes that's all we want...If we aren't taking care of the kids, we're taking care of the house and after that we have to take care of "your" needs, where does the "me" time come in for us???

Luckily for my H, I want him most of the time just as much as he wants me, we average 4 times per week or so, but there are nights that I just want to be left alone to do what I want to do....Actually I went through a period one year where all I wanted was to be left alone...you get so tired, as the mom and wife, of running constantly doing what everyone else wants and needs you to do....

I'm not denying that there is a problem there and you guys need to work on it, but it's not just a matter of the wife being "selfish".....
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

We actually really agree on chores. I work full time she works part time but i do most of the grocery and cooking as well as at least half of kids laundry. We really get a long in this way and are very fair to each other - we never argue over chores. That is not it for us. She says she just is not the type to be overtly flirty or sexual but she is lots of fun in bed and is receptive to all kinds of stuff once we get going.
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

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Originally Posted by GreenEyes View Post
Ok...sometimes it's not about us being selfish believe it or not....It gets tiring being the one that does the bulk of the work around the house, even if you do help her out, how much more does she do(?), does she work a full time job? As mom's, especially to young children, it seems that we never have time to ourselves and sometimes that's all we want...If we aren't taking care of the kids, we're taking care of the house and after that we have to take care of "your" needs, where does the "me" time come in for us???

Luckily for my H, I want him most of the time just as much as he wants me, we average 4 times per week or so, but there are nights that I just want to be left alone to do what I want to do....Actually I went through a period one year where all I wanted was to be left alone...you get so tired, as the mom and wife, of running constantly doing what everyone else wants and needs you to do....

I'm not denying that there is a problem there and you guys need to work on it, but it's not just a matter of the wife being "selfish".....
Well, his post did say, "Now before anyone says well I need to help her more around the house etc. trust me I more than pull my share." So, I don't think she is just tired from housework. Besides that, how much longer are women going to use the housework/I need "me" time excuse? Men are tired and need "me" time too are they not? You will only get out of a relationship what you are willing to put into it. It sounds like this guy's wife wants to reap all the benefits without lifting a finger to keep the marriage alive and strong.
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:21 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

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Well, his post did say, "Now before anyone says well I need to help her more around the house etc. trust me I more than pull my share." So, I don't think she is just tired from housework. Besides that, how much longer are women going to use the housework/I need "me" time excuse? Men are tired and need "me" time too are they not? You will only get out of a relationship what you are willing to put into it. It sounds like this guy's wife wants to reap all the benefits without lifting a finger to keep the marriage alive and strong.
Well a man's definition of "I pull my share" doesn't really say much. I mean that could mean, "hey I do the laundry, and that's not a "man's" job" when in reality laundry doesn't put that big of a dent in the work that needs to be done daily around the house...Yeah men need "me" time too, but I'm talking about "me" time that includes only "me".....And we will continue using the housework excuse until men equally split it right down the middle....

I never disputed the fact that you will only get out what you put in, that kinda goes without saying, but for you to jump right out and say that women are being selfish...that's crap
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

What does it matter what I want, shouldn't it matter what your wife wants? She has told you. What are you doing to fix that?
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Trust me that is not i do it all as does she we really are fair and she never complains about this nor do I.
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

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Originally Posted by GreenEyes View Post
Well a man's definition of "I pull my share" doesn't really say much. I mean that could mean, "hey I do the laundry, and that's not a "man's" job" when in reality laundry doesn't put that big of a dent in the work that needs to be done daily around the house...Yeah men need "me" time too, but I'm talking about "me" time that includes only "me".....And we will continue using the housework excuse until men equally split it right down the middle....

I never disputed the fact that you will only get out what you put in, that kinda goes without saying, but for you to jump right out and say that women are being selfish...that's crap
is it ever concievable that a woman is being selfish? i know that men can be selfish, why does it never seem like a woman is capable of being selfish and spoiled and not contributing to the marriage?
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:50 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Dude you and I are in the same boat minus counseling with longer lapses.

I essentially gave up trying to "fix" our issue, one can only do so much. Then you are done.

I'll try when she tries... that's where I'm at.

Otherwise I just live my life and don't give her too much in return extra. I'm not mean, I do my share but I no longer go out of my way to try to impress her etc.

If she complains about anything I let it just roll off my back without saying anything.

She got us here... I tried really hard for two years. I'm done.

I won't leave her because i made a lifelong vow. One of these days I'm hoping she gets a clue and decides that sex is a way to have a better marriage. She is not deaf so I know she has heard over and over my main needs. Up to her now.

Good Luck.

PS... I feel better not feeling like I'm doing nice stuff that gets no response.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Women need to understand that you can only neglect a husband for so long.
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Old 02-28-2012, 12:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

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is it ever concievable that a woman is being selfish? i know that men can be selfish, why does it never seem like a woman is capable of being selfish and spoiled and not contributing to the marriage?
Woman can be selfish, but it seems on this site that if a woman is not having sex with her H it's because she is being selfish or has something wrong with her....
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Old 02-28-2012, 12:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

Once we started 'communicating' was when the crockery started to fly. When people say 'we need to communicate more/better' often they mean 'you have to listen and obey a whole helluva lot more' which, to be frank, is often a good idea. I wouldn't stress the chores thing though unless and until you can agree on two things: 1) a compact list of what those are and 2) a clear understanding that once apportioned, WHOMEVER has that chore is free to do it however they wish w.o. the other person clucking and complaining about it. Related to this is the old passive aggressive caveat: "If you want me to do something, ask. But if you demand to do something yourself for the thrill of whining and complaining about it later, go do that somewhere else. I don't care."
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Old 02-28-2012, 12:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Every woman is different. For me, I want honesty, affection, respect, trust, love, ect... Affection is at the top of my list. I need flirting(from husband only), touch, holding time, sex, ect...

All of my needs are met. I'm very open with my communication and I make sure all my husbands needs are met as well. I tell him that I appreciate all the effort he puts in. I thank him constantly for the things he does for me.

My husband and I put equal effort into our marriage as far as our needs go. We don't have expectations of each other, but we both do what needs to be done with life in general. He obviously puts in more physical work then I since I'm disabled, I have a lot of down/resting time, but I do make sure the housework is done and the kids and pets are taken care of. He works(more then one job) to pay the bills and does all of the grocery/supply shopping.

Our marriage is very strong and we have a very deep bond. We are each others best friend. We found true love with each other. We support one another with our hobbies, dreams and goals.
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Old 02-28-2012, 12:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

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Woman can be selfish, but it seems on this site that if a woman is not having sex with her H it's because she is being selfish or has something wrong with her....
i would have to disagree with you on that, no disrespect intended. i think there are an equal amount of responses that blame the husband for not meeting the wifes emotional needs. and there are responses that float in between. i have always said that if these types of posts were gender anonymous, they wouldnt last very long because there wouldnt be anyone to blame.
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Old 02-28-2012, 12:24 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies what do you really want?

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Originally Posted by I'mInLoveWithMyHubby View Post
Every woman is different. For me, I want honesty, affection, respect, trust, love, ect... Affection is at the top of my list. I need flirting(from husband only), touch, holding time, sex, ect...

All of my needs are met. I'm very open with my communication and I make sure all my husbands needs are met as well. I tell him that I appreciate all the effort he puts in. I thank him constantly for the things he does for me.

My husband and I put equal effort into our marriage as far as our needs go. We don't have expectations of each other, but we both do what needs to be done with life in general. He obviously puts in more physical work then I since I'm disabled, I have a lot of down/resting time, but I do make sure the housework is done and the kids and pets are taken care of. He works(more then one job) to pay the bills and does all of the grocery/supply shopping.

Our marriage is very strong and we have a very deep bond. We are each others best friend. We found true love with each other. We support one another with our hobbies, dreams and goals.
I think that's a huge problem in marriages, you need to be each others best friend, you need to have fun together and work together. If a marriage is treated like a "you do for me because it's your obligation as my husband/wife, and you can only neglect me for so long before I'll find it elsewhere..." it doesn't make it fun for anyone involved...When my H is being fun, laughing with me and joking with me (which are some of my biggest needs from him) I am more attracted to him than ever.

It's awesome that you and your husband have such an awesome relationship
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