My wedding was just awful. I hated every minute of it.
We could not afford a real wedding, so we eloped. My parents were only going to help us financially, if we let my mother control our day. Of course, we could not accept that kind of manipulation. She was also very rude and unsupportive; La Maman refused to come wedding dress shopping and she told me that I was too fat to look good on my wedding day. Neither of us wanted that kind of negativity!
My few guests were late, which ruined some of my plans. One of them had the nerve to confront me about my angry reaction-we paid the photographer extra to come early and he was just standing around! I found out later that one of my so called best friends told her stupid man secrets about me. He was the driver and he picked up the rental car the morning of the wedding, which made everyone late. This fool constantly bothered my husband and I to pay for the car that HE wanted to rent-several annoying phone calls the night before.
I have read about people simply having the wedding they wanted later on. If a couple has already been married for a few years, how can they repeat the ceremony? I wish my father was able to walk me down the aisle, but my mother was just too mean and hateful to have around.
People say that I still got my husband out of it, but I still feel very cheated. I never had my prom either and I just feel like I am missing out on important occasions and memories. Those who say that at least I got my husband are usually people who had nice weddings and therefore don't know how I feel.
My therapist told me that I want special occasions so that I can feel some semblance of a normal life-my 30 years on this earth have been marred by bad health and abuse. I am blessed to be alive, but sometimes I wonder what for.
I never wanted the huge spectacle that my materialistic mother insisted on. She wanted nearly 200 people, with a wedding party that she chose. I only wanted about 60. Every time I go to other people's weddings or see pictures, I just want to cry.
What do the ladies of TAM think? If you had a small wedding and you were happy with it, that is great but it does not help my situation.
Well, I don't know why you can't do what you want as a special celebration.
Admittedly this was for a special wedding anniversary - but my mom and dad 'did over' their wedding on their 40th anniversary.
They planned it out, sent invitations, and performed it just like a normal wedding - pictures, clothes, cake - everything. They renewed their vows in a church, my mom wore a tailored wedding dress, dad wore a tux, they had the same attendants as during their original wedding, they had a big reception afterward with a wedding cake. When they had originally got married, it was a rather small affair - my mom wore a regular street dress and they only had a few guests as my mother's family was unhappy with her marrying my dad at that time (they later came around.) She had always wanted to have the wedding of her dreams and had thought about a special celebration on one of their anniversaries for years.
They did it on their 40th because my dad has dementia and they weren't sure he would be able to do something like that at their 50th (and he wasn't), so it was particularly poignant in that regard. It was really special to see it, especially in light of the fact that my brothers and I weren't around for their original wedding and none of mom's family attended the original, but did on the repeat.
I say - go for it. I can't imagine why you would regret it. Why can't you set up and celebrate the wonderful things that happen in your life? I get what your therapist is saying, but life is for LIVING. LIVE it up the best way you can.
My wife and I eloped when we got married 30 years ago. At the time both families hated each other and us. Our first year of marriage was very hard. We are planning a recommitment ceremony this year. Of course you can have a do over.
I'm not a lady of TAM, but my wife and I did our reception over, because we were not able to attend our original one. I'm glad we did. I've also seen several people renew their vows. Nothing has to be elaborate, because the emotional connection is usually the main point. It can be quite meaningful and enjoyable. Go for it! Hire a decent photographer to record the event and take some fun posed photos. I recommend spending the larger portion of your budget on your photography. It's the one thing that will help solidify your memories after the day is over. You could even get a little album done up.
Life is short.... and if special occasions are what you need, then of course you should have them!!!!
You are older and wiser now.... just invite who you LOVE and want to share this with. It's supposed to be about love and happiness.
I just got married Oct 2010, we would have loved to elope and go somewhere and have a blast, just the two of us. But, we have 7 20-somethings between us. We wanted it to be a kind of family-bonding occasion.... and it was. We ended up with blue jeans and white shirts out in the back yard, with about 30 people there. It was perfect!! I wouldn't change ANYTHING!!!!
Chelle, I don't know why you feel that I did not discuss the aforementioned issues with my guests. Making plans and confirming them is just common sense. I do that when I am just having lunch with a friend, so why wouldn't I plan and confirm for my wedding? Honestly, it would have made more sense for you to simply ask about the details instead of erroneously blaming me for lack of planning.
FYI, we all knew that I wanted pictures beforehand, so the correct time was agreed upon and confirmed weeks before the ceremony. It was the driver that made everyone late, because he was trying to find the best deal for the rental car at the last minute. The fool decided that he did not want to use his car and get a rental one day before the wedding.
So I was quite capable of planning my own wedding without help. It was one person who decided to change everything the day before and it all came crashing down. Also, one of my guests had her hair cut on the morning of the wedding, which ate up travel time to the resort and contributed to the lateness.
Our pictures were gorgeous because we splurged on a very talented photograher. We married next to a lake among foliage. He took pictures of everything, such as the ceremony, licence signing and cupcake smooshing. The gentleman also got some great shots of us making toasts, kissing after the ceremony and individual shots.
I hope my explanation makes sense. You did not sound harsh, but I found your assumptions very confusing.
My main concern about the do over is looking foolish because we are already married.
IMO its not foolish at all. I would also like to have a vow renewal, a nice one where I get to actually wear a wedding dress instead of jeans and a tank top :P ...
Live it up! Have your celebration your way and enjoy every minute of it!
In your case (and I have a mean family too) it will still come up short. Having another ceremony no matter how well intentioned it might be will never ever erase that feeling of being 'cheated'. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow because I've been where you are.
Your best bet is to stick with therapy and MOURN the loss of what you didn't get instead of trying to get a do over.
Your loss is real and needs to be grieved but at the end of the day you didn't get that wedding just like the millions of things I didn't get as a result of being raised in a toxic, abusive home.
Peace comes when you accept life as is without trying to go back and fix things.
BTW I eloped. Been married 20 years now and have no desire to have another ceremony. I got married THAT day and that's all that matters.
Mavash, I think that there is so much wisdom in what you are saying. My husband feels the same as you; life does not offer do overs. He is fine with redoing our wedding to make me happy, along with my father and his brother. We were only really concerned about their hurt feelings.
I have given myself until my fifth anniversary to get past this. Therapy is certainly helpful, but it cannot erase feelings. I ended therapy a few months ago after two years because I am tired of whining about my childhood. That part of my life was terrible, but it is over. Now I have to figure out how to be happy.
We are a very independent couple and my parents hate that. I just feel happier when I am not around my mother, though I love my father dearly. When he gives a gift, it is out of the goodness of his heart. When La Maman gives anything, it is so that she can use it to manipulate us.
Like I said, since we are already married it may look dumb for a married couple to play bride and groom. That is why if we did go through with the do over, it would be a surprise.
I have given myself until my fifth anniversary to get past this. Therapy is certainly helpful, but it cannot erase feelings. I ended therapy a few months ago after two years because I am tired of whining about my childhood. That part of my life was terrible, but it is over. Now I have to figure out how to be happy.
Timelines won't work either. Sorry I know another bitter pill to swallow. Healing takes as long as it takes. There are no shortcuts. I've been at this for 13 years so I have experience. Furthermore the more you try to 'get past it' the more that feeling of being cheated will stick with you.
Therapy DOES help process feelings not erase them. Are you sure you had a good therapist? Whining about your childhood isn't helpful. What you need are skills to help you get past the hurts so you can move on. A new way of thinking is in order. Learning to find joy TODAY instead of focusing so much on the past or what you didn't get. Learning to cultivate gratitude is a good place to start.
It's a process and I'm sad to report not a quick one either. It will take time and effort on your part to overcome. It won't just 'happen' that I can assure you. I only wish it were that easy.
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Can you really "do over" a wedding? 
Of course, we could not accept that kind of manipulation. She was also very rude and unsupportive; La Maman refused to come wedding dress shopping and she told me that I was too fat to look good on my wedding day. Neither of us wanted that kind of negativity!
I wish my father was able to walk me down the aisle, but my mother was just too mean and hateful to have around.
It was one person who decided to change everything the day before and it all came crashing down. Also, one of my guests had her hair cut on the morning of the wedding, which ate up travel time to the resort and contributed to the lateness.
