14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.
Test 1 - Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a drressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 - Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 - Going For a Walk
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children..
Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.
Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
and to think I had three of them...LOL...it's all worth it when you hear the front door open and it's one of them home for a visit....my job is done. Mostly!
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
I never got gurped on before work. lol.
And I am a PRO at tuning my children out. I can ignore them very well. They don't normally bug me. But, I am a teacher...lots of things don't bother me that bother most people.
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
Its a gamble as to how your children will turn out. You can do all the parenting as good as you can and still end up with a shall we say less than desirable outcome.
for every murderer,rapist,crimnal,wife beater etc,etc.
theres a disapointed parent/parents.
BUT i do think being active in their lives and trully wanting to be a parent makes a huge difference in how they turn out.
divorce is another big thing with children I coach younger kids and even if the parents are civil there is a remarkable change in the children from divorced parents.
they do poorly in school are less social and have a difficult time accepting their new world that was turned upside down inside out. some may never get over it.
thats why staying for the kids happens and in my opinion is the right thing to do.
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
After the amount of time I spent taking care of a 3yr old, and infants.
This cracks me up.
the only thing that seemed forgotten was the part where they always seem to find the most dangerous thing to do in the smallest amount of time possible.
I walked into the living room where a 1yr old was. He was calmly sitting watching cartoons, I walked into the kitchen to stir his dinner, and immediately heard the door as soon as I picked up the spatula.
guess who decided to go for a walk? there was maybe a 3 minute span between me seeing him sitting quietly, and making it to the spatula.
All the stress, all the methods applied, all the effort, all the energy used, strangely, all of it was worth it at the end of the day when my 3yr old counterpart went and got his blanket, climbed up on the couch next to me, and cuddled with me falling asleep to the flintstones. Or when I got to play tummy time with my best friends infant, Or running through the house with light sabers. Kids are amazing, and I don't even have any
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
Quote:
Originally Posted by CLucas976
After the amount of time I spent taking care of a 3yr old, and infants.
This cracks me up.
the only thing that seemed forgotten was the part where they always seem to find the most dangerous thing to do in the smallest amount of time possible.
I walked into the living room where a 1yr old was. He was calmly sitting watching cartoons, I walked into the kitchen to stir his dinner, and immediately heard the door as soon as I picked up the spatula.
guess who decided to go for a walk? there was maybe a 3 minute span between me seeing him sitting quietly, and making it to the spatula.
All the stress, all the methods applied, all the effort, all the energy used, strangely, all of it was worth it at the end of the day when my 3yr old counterpart went and got his blanket, climbed up on the couch next to me, and cuddled with me falling asleep to the flintstones. Or when I got to play tummy time with my best friends infant, Or running through the house with light sabers. Kids are amazing, and I don't even have any
My husband is away and I found my lil girl drawing on the walls in crayon which she's never done. I said 'why did you do this you know you're not allowed to!' and she said "i'm drawing daddy a picture and I ran out of paper...' Childrens logic! She's a great child, happy and loving. Makes my world
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn
Its a gamble as to how your children will turn out. You can do all the parenting as good as you can and still end up with a shall we say less than desirable outcome.
for every murderer,rapist,crimnal,wife beater etc,etc.
theres a disapointed parent/parents.
BUT i do think being active in their lives and trully wanting to be a parent makes a huge difference in how they turn out.
divorce is another big thing with children I coach younger kids and even if the parents are civil there is a remarkable change in the children from divorced parents.
they do poorly in school are less social and have a difficult time accepting their new world that was turned upside down inside out. some may never get over it.
thats why staying for the kids happens and in my opinion is the right thing to do.
I can openly say, I am so thankful my mom never kept that logic.
I might be pessimistic, I might have an odd natural temperament, but what happened when my mom left, and I actually got to have my mom back as a person was and is FAR more rewarding than any feeling of "family" ever could be.
I grew up hating family time, being disgusted by the idea of "family" and disassociated with all of said ideas because of how long she tried to hold together a "family" that wasn't there in a relationship that was dead. Not to mention, the learned behavior from people sticking it through. Would you rather teach your kid to suck it up and stick with something that makes you miserable, or that it is ok in life to be happy with yourself and/or someone who actually loves you?
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
you left out the part where you scribble on the wallpaper in laundry marker. I once walked in the door with wife crashed out in bed, baby screaming in the crib and my eldest sitting on the kitchen floor picking chunks of wallpaper off with one hand and drawing with a Sharpie with the other. I asked him WTF he was doing....."playing!!"
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
Quote:
Originally Posted by CLucas976
I can openly say, I am so thankful my mom never kept that logic.
I might be pessimistic, I might have an odd natural temperament, but what happened when my mom left, and I actually got to have my mom back as a person was and is FAR more rewarding than any feeling of "family" ever could be.
I grew up hating family time, being disgusted by the idea of "family" and disassociated with all of said ideas because of how long she tried to hold together a "family" that wasn't there in a relationship that was dead. Not to mention, the learned behavior from people sticking it through. Would you rather teach your kid to suck it up and stick with something that makes you miserable, or that it is ok in life to be happy with yourself and/or someone who actually loves you?
I guess its a case by case situation I wouldd agree that espically in your situation leaving was better I guess I am refering to marriages where basicaly you have a loving family unit but something in the marriage is really amiss.
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn
Its a gamble as to how your children will turn out. You can do all the parenting as good as you can and still end up with a shall we say less than desirable outcome.
for every murderer,rapist,crimnal,wife beater etc,etc.
theres a disapointed parent/parents.
BUT i do think being active in their lives and trully wanting to be a parent makes a huge difference in how they turn out.
divorce is another big thing with children I coach younger kids and even if the parents are civil there is a remarkable change in the children from divorced parents.
they do poorly in school are less social and have a difficult time accepting their new world that was turned upside down inside out. some may never get over it.
thats why staying for the kids happens and in my opinion is the right thing to do.
Well, I wish my parents never stayed together for their brood of four. All that did was expose us to an unhappy and tension filled home. For years, I never wanted to get married because I had such a bad example.
I can remember turning into a little divorce lawyer when my father's affair came out. I was 12, but I had it all planned out. My mother was to leave my father, sell the matrimonial home and use the proceeds to buy a new townhouse. I even knew which one!
So staying together for children can also do more harm than good.
A good test for parenthood is being a childcare provider for colicky babies or rude kids. That is what taught me that I lack the patience and strength to be a mother. There was a baby girl who made me cry after hours of siren like wailing.
Three spoiled rich kids regularly told me to F-off when I asked them not to do dangerous things. If I could not handle these challenges for 3-8 hours a day, there is no way I could put up with that 24/7.
Re: 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children
I wanted my children so feircely, it caused me alot of heartache when I couldn't conceive, after our 1st son....... I do wish I could take back all of that worrying & fretting, I was such a basketcase at times. It was like God closed my womb for 6 yrs...
So when they started coming in my 30's..... I felt on top of the world, the most happy MoM imaginable.... sure they get irritating at times ...but it has been nothing but a JOY for me to have every one of them. They never slowed me down either, I dragged them all shopping while my husband was working... I didn't need any help either.
The really STRANGE thing about me is ... I was never one of those '' Oh look the cute little baby" type women, I am nothing like that at all... I just wanted my own big family and I truly THRIVE on the chaos of it all ... I know that might sound very strange to poeple.. but it is how I feel. I handle them well, husband is a great dad, I feel we were destined to be parents.
I never minded getting up in the middle of the night to change diapers, do bottles, I even chose to use Cloth on our 1st 3 to save money.
My husband told me I could have as many as I wanted ...so long as I took care of them all..... and I did... faithfully . Where I did screw up is loving them so much, I cuddled with them in our bed ...and forgot about him !
Dahhhh... even with 6, when the last one leaves the nest, I just have a feeling I will not be rejoicing, I love having them around... I can't imagine our world without the kids in it.
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14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Have Children 
I even knew which one!
