Damn now I am pissed off for you. Please do not go into the fetal position and fade away like an emotional wreck. Tell him you are pissed and that the calls are unacceptable. It sounds like it is ultimatum time and that if the line is crossed again you are done. Start to consult an attorney and be prepared to serve him notice figuratively and then literally if it does not penetrate his thick skull.
If I seem passionate about this it is because I am. My wife has always had strong emotional relationships with other women and though it has never been to the degree that yours is it still hurts. I cannot imagine you living through that on a day to day basis.
Maye you can learn the lesson I learned the hard way, just by hearing my experience; so, I'm sharing it. My WH/EH/STBXH had a friend who would not stop flirting with him, but she would always claim she just saw him as a brother. She would find ways to exchange "I love you" and "I miss you" and other such things. She would pretend to be torn up in grief over the death of her sister and use that as a free pass to flirt obsessively. She'd post on his FB and chat with him multiple times in a day, telling him how awesome he is and how lucky she was to have him in her life, you know...all the stuff girlfriends and wives are supposed to say. She'd play the victim and he liked being the knight who saves the damsel in distress, so thought that my objections were me being a jerk because she was grieving. When I did see their conversations, I found that while there was no sex talk, there was a lot of coded exchanges of affection and not a lot of grief counseling going on. She liked the thrill of talking to him illicitly and felt glad that he would put me down and prioritize her over me. He liked that someone needed him and kissed his butt all day long and acted like his dog. She was butt ugly and stupid as salt, but affaired down with all his APs because they were supposed to be disposable for him, while he intended to keep me around and mistreat me. To this day, he defends his behavior with her over our marriage and doesn't see her poaching behavior for what it was. I had four separate conversations with her telling her to back off and she refused; she lied every time, telling me that she would stop and then would immediately and secretly complain to him and say those things anyway and he'd console her and encourage it some more. I tried telling him I was okay with their friendship if he stopped the flirting and I tried believing her when she lied to my face and said she would stop; they just took it underground more. Now we are separated and I'm sure she's one of those poaching types because she dove to the rescue after causing some of the problems in the first place. Anyway, people who are trying to throw you off the scent when you're onto something will say things she and he have in your story, so ignore the words and look at the actions. Cheating spouses carrying on long-term affairs will often talk trash about their APs so their loyal spouses don't get as suspicious. If he isn't putting you first, you need to address that problem right now.
Visiting while you're not there, thanking you for letting their "friendship" continue, saying he's "like an uncle", his secret calls to her during the day when you're not around...would you behave this way with your uncle and his wife? Hmmm....If nothing else, this is an inappropriate friendship which is destabilizing your marriage; you ask him to stand up for you and he just lies to you? Don't put up with it!
Don't make the mistake I made of allowing the friendship to continue. He needs to understand that the marriage comes first and girlfriends who pretend to be nieces are not allowed. Don't rug-sweep this. No contact is your only option. She's addicted to him and acting like a girlfriend. He likes the attention and is encouraging it. I bet he is not being honest with you. Get a keylogger or a VAR. They are disrespecting you. Put your foot down. Otherwise, you're sending the message that you're okay with a one-sided open marriage and that your needs don't matter.
So I gave him the letter I wrote, Basicly i said how every thing was affecting me and how I am no longer happy or willing to put up with this situation any more. He said he is trying to get it under control. But I stood my ground And I said you have had a year and a half to get it under control. It is done or I am gone,
I told him I have talked to my family about this sittuation And if need be I am welcome to come home. I have found another job closer to my parents place and it is mine any time i need it. I also have talked to a lawyer about the steps of filing for divorce.
He was shocked maybe floored, He started to cry (ive never seen him cry before) Any way he said the daily phone calls will stop he has promised. I said from now on I am ordering a detailed phone report for the house and our cell phones.
I hate to be this way but being nice about it doesnt work, He did call her last night while I was there and told her we are having problems and the constant phone calls and texts are a strain on our relationship.
He explained I dont hate her but its not fair to me.
So I hope things change, and if they dont I have come to the conclution it is not healthy for me to be in this situation and I am mentaly prepared to walk away.
So I gave him the letter I wrote, Basicly i said how every thing was affecting me and how I am no longer happy or willing to put up with this situation any more. He said he is trying to get it under control. But I stood my ground And I said you have had a year and a half to get it under control. It is done or I am gone,
I told him I have talked to my family about this sittuation And if need be I am welcome to come home. I have found another job closer to my parents place and it is mine any time i need it. I also have talked to a lawyer about the steps of filing for divorce.
He was shocked maybe floored, He started to cry (ive never seen him cry before) Any way he said the daily phone calls will stop he has promised. I said from now on I am ordering a detailed phone report for the house and our cell phones.
I hate to be this way but being nice about it doesnt work, He did call her last night while I was there and told her we are having problems and the constant phone calls and texts are a strain on our relationship.
He explained I dont hate her but its not fair to me.
So I hope things change, and if they dont I have come to the conclution it is not healthy for me to be in this situation and I am mentaly prepared to walk away.
I guess only time will tell
Good for you. Sometimes we would like to be nice and give our spouses a gentle tap on the shoulder. All to often it takes a 2x4 to the head to get through.
Good for you. I think you stopped a potential EA in its tracks. Now you can start feeling good about yourself. You made the choice to no longer be a doormat and you just may have saved your marriage. Just be diligent... Your husband may try to take this fledgling EA underground. Track his calls and install a keylogger on your PC to see if he tries to email her. Posted via Mobile Device
I feel your pain. I am living the same issue. Not even married a year and his best friend seems to hold more of his attention than I do. She goes as far as buying him gifts that we normally could not afford. I dont' have an answer. One thing that we have done is given ourselves a time block with no phones, no computers, just time together. We go on walks, play Monolopy, strip poker... this has improved things for myself and I feel our marriage. Outsife of the time block... I will occasionaly bring her up and ask him how is she doing. I hate hearing about her dramas but at least he is sharing with me.
Worried,
You're doing the right things for your relationship and marriage. If you have moments where you are unsure if you are doing the right thing, ask yourself if you were being honest with him. You are being honest, and therefore this is the right thing. You can't spend the rest of your life being in second place with the man you put in first place. The imbalance will destroy you.
I have a close female friend that goes back to high school. I owe her a response for something small she recently asked of me. I'm over 2 weeks late in responding, because Ive been busy with other priorities.. and I probably won't get to it until next week. I've made lots of time for my #1 priority - my fiance - every single day. Consistent actions and prioritization and total transparency (and vigilance to not let any EAs start) have made my female friends a non issue with my fiance. You deserve the same in your marriage - there should be no question that you are #1 by a large margin.
wow great job! I just read through this whole thread and it amazed me how you handled your self through out all of this.
I hate needy codependent people who just latch on and won't let go and think they take priority in the lives of thoes around them. Just hate them blood life sucking people. Sorry I just ended a friendship similar to the one you discribed.
No understanding of boundaries. GOOD FOR YOU!! YAY!
I hate to be this way but being nice about it doesnt work, ...
So I hope things change, and if they dont I have come to the conclution it is not healthy for me to be in this situation and I am mentaly prepared to walk away.
Attagirl! Now that is how it's done. You did the right thing. Now stay firm. Keep checking on him. Make sure he knows you mean it. And enforce no contact AT ALL with this girl. Make sure he's not secretly talking to her from work or his car. Make sure he doesn't get a secret disposable cell phone. Make sure he doesn't get a secret account that you don't know about. He may try to trick you or test you, either by going more underground or by seeing if you're going to stick to your guns after the initial anger passes. Stay firm. Don't let him off the hook yet because he has to know that you mean it.
Hang in there! You did the right thing by standing up for your marriage and yourself!
Frankly I think Worried 123 is over reacting (please bear with me).
Both the 'friend' and her husband say that they have only ever been friends...ie no sex.
Had the 'friend' been a male, would you, Worried123, feel any differently?
I have male friends that I have known since my school days, LONG before my wife ever entered the scene. Just as my wife has.
I have my friends, she has her friends and we have OUR friends.
So I totally disagree with one statement made earlier about if he/she isnt a friend of the marriage then he/she is no friend atall. How sad.
Having said all of this, and whilst I think Worried123 is over-reacting, it is the way SHE feels, whether we agree or not. That simple fact alone; how SHE feels about it, should make her husband do something...tone it down a bit.
Sometimes when I 'react' to something and my wife whinges at me for being pathetic I reply..'I know YOU might think I'm being silly but that fact is, its how *I* feel, and that should matter to you'...
I dont agree with all that has been posted on here i dont believe that if a friend isnt a friend of the marriage they need to go. This woman is a friend of mine to. And never ever have i been concerned about an affair. I have never felt the need to read texts or emails I trust him 100%
But I dont think its fair that he allows some one else to monopilize his time. Would I feel differently if it was a guy probaly not. regardless of what sex I should be priority. I have made him priority in my life
Before we were married I had a very close male friend, we are still friends but i do not feel the need to text and call all of the time because I have what i need in my husband.
I think this woman uses him when its convienent or when she needs something. She has hurt him and let him down in the past and im always there to pick up the pieces.
Frankly I think Worried 123 is over reacting (please bear with me).
Both the 'friend' and her husband say that they have only ever been friends...ie no sex.
Had the 'friend' been a male, would you, Worried123, feel any differently?
I have male friends that I have known since my school days, LONG before my wife ever entered the scene. Just as my wife has.
I have my friends, she has her friends and we have OUR friends.
So I totally disagree with one statement made earlier about if he/she isnt a friend of the marriage then he/she is no friend atall. How sad.
Having said all of this, and whilst I think Worried123 is over-reacting, it is the way SHE feels, whether we agree or not. That simple fact alone; how SHE feels about it, should make her husband do something...tone it down a bit.
Sometimes when I 'react' to something and my wife whinges at me for being pathetic I reply..'I know YOU might think I'm being silly but that fact is, its how *I* feel, and that should matter to you'...
People who have EAs often say that the affair partner is "only a friend" so you can't always go by what a person says. You have to go by the actions. Actions speak louder than words. In this case, her husband said he would put an end to it and didn't. It was only after repeated conversations, letters and an ultimatum that he took action. It should never have gotten to that point.
You should read Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. She talks about this phenomenon. Many people think that infidelity isn't infidelity unless there's sexual contact. The new breed of affairs start of as peer relationships then move to the slippery slope of secret emotional intimacy where time and attention are devoted to another person of the opposite sex. Many people don't recognize it as such until they're in too deep. The only way to prevent it is to have awareness of personal boundaries. I wrote about my personal boundaries here.
A friend should be a friend to the marriage. A friend to the marriage means the person doesn't cross boundaries in the friendship with the married friend. A friend to the marriage doesn't mean a friend you get after the marriage. A friend to the marriage could be a friend you have before the marriage or after the marriage. The time at which that person enters your life doesn't matter so much as the fact they don't try to insert themselves in between the husband and wife. I have several male friends I've known long before I got married to my husband. All these male friends are friends to my marriage. None of them flirt with me or call me at odd hours or make demands on my time and energy that would take away from the time and energy I have to give my spouse. That's the difference.
I don't see this situation as being so much about the fear of adultery (although it could be heading that direction). The issue I see here is with respect.
You have voiced your feelings and concerns to your husband, and if he truly respected you he would have told the girl-buddy to back off and get her emotional needs met elsewhere. He hasn't, at least not to your satisfaction, and that right there is disrespect... disrespect in a nutshell.
No husband should be doing anything to cause his wife unneccesary stress. Your hubby has poor boundaries, and if he cannot act like a true husband is supposed to then you need to educate him yourself by way of tough love and sanctions (i.e. he gets to sleep on the couch until he straightens up). Men are kind of like dogs: positive reinforcement and the occasional treat when they do well, negative sanctions and a smack on the nose when they are being naughty.
I don't see this situation as being so much about the fear of adultery (although it could be heading that direction). The issue I see here is with respect.
You have voiced your feelings and concerns to your husband, and if he truly respected you he would have told the girl-buddy to back off and get her emotional needs met elsewhere. He hasn't, at least not to your satisfaction, and that right there is disrespect... disrespect in a nutshell.
No husband should be doing anything to cause his wife unneccesary stress. Your hubby has poor boundaries, and if he cannot act like a true husband is supposed to then you need to educate him yourself by way of tough love and sanctions (i.e. he gets to sleep on the couch until he straightens up). Men are kind of like dogs: positive reinforcement and the occasional treat when they do well, negative sanctions and a smack on the nose when they are being naughty.
I'll get the wet newspaper, you get the bitter apple. We'll have this husband straightened out in no time.
All kidding aside, Bandit is right. Some guys need a 2x4 to the head because they can't feel a tap on the shoulder.
Worried123 - whatever this friendship is or isn't, it bugs you...your husband married YOU....even if he thinks you are over-reacting and being 'silly' (not saying that he IS) he should tone it down because its bugging YOU, his WIFE...
There ARE men and women out there who ARE friends with each other but who do not have sex with each other....Contrary to what some people may think.
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Re: My HUsbands Female Friend 
