TugOfWar

My husband of 8yrs is very insecure, jealous, controlling and selfish. When I think back the insecurity showed itself before we were married, but I was blinded by love to see it. I believe the others issues surfaced and progressed after we were married. When my friends call and ask me to go out with them he's not too happy about it. When we talked about it he says he's afraid because I'm so beautiful that someone better looking than him will come along and take me from him. But when his friends call, he goes. He once told me he knew that I could get any guy I wanted and that scared him.

Can anyone help me in figuring what could be the REAL issue? What does this sound like to you?

Enchantment

From your description, it kind of sounds like all of the things you mentioned in your first sentence.

How does he show these insecurities? Does he verbalize - in a calm way? Or are they verbalized in anger? Does he do more than that - sulk, pout, shout, stomp, generally lose his cool? Is he passive aggressive with you?

The thing is, he will be the one who has to learn how to rein in his insecurity and anger and jealousy. If he has serious anger issues or insecurity issues, then he should consider getting some professional help for that - anger management or individual counseling.

The only thing you can do is be a trustworthy and self-confident individual who doesn't let it get under your skin, and encourage him to seek help. That is, unless he is verging on to or is outright an abusive individual to you, and then I recommend people come up with a plan of action to get out.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Mavash.

Is it possible to help an insecure man?

No. He will have to fix this on his own. Nothing you DO will ever make him feel better about himself. He has likely been this way since way before he met you.

accept

I believe most insecurities are because you give him reason to believe them. You somehow have to make him sure that they are not true at all.

warlock07

Start your own thread ElleBee

frustr8dhubby

No. I have struggled with insecurity all my life (though I am VERY conscious of it and don't consider myself jealous or controlling). My wife is very supportive and in some ways almost glorifies me and it has no effect on my esteem unfortunately.

Now, her complete lack of desire for me DESTROYS what little confidence I do have...

MrsOldNews

I have to disagree with this statement profusely.

darksideofthemoon

I don't believe so. I've been married to someone who sounds just like your husband for 12 years now.

I've never done ANYTHING to make him insecure, however, I've been accused of doing it with everyone from the bag boy at the grocery store to the boss. He has done his best to sabotage every friendship I've ever tried to make.

In the beginning, I tried very hard to please him and make him feel secure. NONE of my efforts worked. I found myself living a very restricted and unhappy life, while he did whatever he wanted (including flirting with women online). I just gave up on trying to change him. I'm working on myself, instead.

Now I am just annoyed and pissed off when he pulls the insecure crap. They don't realize it does the opposite of what they think it will.

frustr8dhubby

Oh some of us do, don't generalize.

I HATE and have always hated my self-esteem problems. I've done counseling, take medication, you name it. However, I don't project my issues on to her. I don't accuse her of anything (other than not wanting me... ), nor am I particularly the jealous type. I actually wish she could find a good friend that she could rely on. She had one when we lived in CA but hasn't seemed to be able to find one here back home...