My wife and kids are spending the weekend at my in-laws (I couldn't go because of work commitments - it was a last minute trip). Didn't hear from my wife last night, but I discovered that she was texting this coworker until 10PM. I called her on it (didn't hear from you, but you had time to text "X" until after 10PM)...she again says they are just friends and they were not talking about anything of substance. She then proceeded to go after me for looking at the online phone bill/etc...calling me a snoop.
Having had enough, I figured it was time for me to "mark my territory" so to speak and I replied to the coworker's email (see earlier post). I cc'd his wife, who is quasi in the loop on this (see earlier post), but likely has no idea of the magnitude. This will surely cause a storm. I made it perfectly clear to him that there is no explanation he can give me that justifies the amount of contact he has had with my wife and that he needs to immediately stop the texting/phone calls outside of work...or he and I will have a problem (it is not possible to severe all contact, as they work together during the day). I understand this fiasco is a two way street, but I figured it was time for me to call him on this...man to man (going "old school" if you would).
The problem with laying everything on the table with my wife is that she denies any wrong doing. She tries to rationalize the irrational.
Well, the blowback from my email to the coworker is pretty bad. She is still at the in-laws and proceeded to send me some fairly nasty texts this AM asking how I could so such a thing/threats of divorce/name calling/etc. She then proceeded to leave a nasty voicemail demanding I call her asap. I have not responded to any of the texts/calls - trying to let her cool down.
I seem to have hit a pretty raw nerve here. She seems more concerned about the fallout with her coworker/his wife than with our marriage. I do not regret putting this guy on notice, as he continued to contact my wife despite knowing my concerns. My guess is that his wife didn't know the extent of the contact (but now does) and as such, things are a little uncomfortable at their house....or maybe not.
I will reach out to my wife later today and tell her we need to have a serious talk when she returns, don't know what else to do.
Well, the blowback from my email to the coworker is pretty bad. She is still at the in-laws and proceeded to send me some fairly nasty texts this AM asking how I could so such a thing/threats of divorce/name calling/etc. She then proceeded to leave a nasty voicemail demanding I call her asap. I have not responded to any of the texts/calls - trying to let her cool down.
I seem to have hit a pretty raw nerve here. She seems more concerned about the fallout with her coworker/his wife than with our marriage. I do not regret putting this guy on notice, as he continued to contact my wife despite knowing my concerns. My guess is that his wife didn't know the extent of the contact (but now does) and as such, things are a little uncomfortable at their house....or maybe not.
I will reach out to my wife latter today and tell her we need to have a serious talk when she returns, don't know what else to do.
My head hurts...
I think that sending the email was a mistake. So was talking to her about the issue without proof that she can't refute. You need to stop what you are doing and try something else.
You need to get proof that something is going on. You need to install a keylogger on the computer she uses to email him. This will allow you to get a transcript of what they are saying. Without this she will just continue to deny, and you can't do anything to call her out on this.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
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Re: Wife and Male Coworker
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A risky but bold move. I don’t think it was a mistake but it very well could be a make or break move. The content of the texts is not the only issue. It is the amount and it obviously is at an uncomfortable level for you. When I first discovered my wife’s EA I contemplated notifying TOM’s wife but didn’t. I’ve wondered if that would have been the correct move or not. You have now committed so go through with this and let her know this relationship is unacceptable. While you’ve taken a big risk here it may be the wake up call she needs or at least you’ll finally get to know where you stand with her.. I agree, her contacting this man while not calling you while she was away is BS. Good luck and keep us posted. It’s going to get bumpy now, hang on.
I agree with Amplexor. I don't think sending the email was a mistake...one way or the other, you need to know where you stand. I also considered contacting the OW's husband....but in my situation, he was abusive, and I simply would never do anything to purposefully put someone in harm's way.
Hang in there, confused. It will indeed be rough going from here on in, but you are well within your rights all around. I don't care what anywone says, that much texting between two people is not merely a casual relationship.
I hope things workout for you. I know what you're going through, I just had a situation over the weekend where I noticed a guy my girl works with is on her yahoo buddy list. It didn't sit well with me, she claims this guy is gay but I don't even know him. I can honestly admit I have trust issues anyway so I have been trying not to over react. We already have a issue with a "just a friend" that she texts on a regular basis. We're engaged for now but I'm having second thoughts.
The locking of the cell phone is very suspicious. To me you only have so much privacy when you live with someone let alone are married to them. At some point privacy turns into having something to hide.
And no you were not wrong for sending the email. You have every right and he should be glad that's all you did. His wife has a right to know as well. The four of you are all adults and married at that. The extra communication between him and your wife is very disrespectful to say the least.
Again I hope things work out for you. Stay strong and stand your ground.
I agree that you were well within your rights to email the co-worker. I also think you need to get good and angry about the whole situation. When I was in your situation (the roles were reversed), people kept telling me, "you need to get angry." I didn't understand this at the time, but I did finally "blow up" at my husband about a week after he confessed. I forced him to move out of our house because like your wife, he was somewhat in denial and rationalizing his behavior, even though he had confessed before I had to find out the hard way.
My anger did help finally propel him into "waking up" and realizing what he had done and was continuing to do. When he moved out, I would get cryptic text messages while he would call "her," sounds like this is similar to what you are going through. I can guess at the pain and fear you are probably feeling right now. As someone who has been in a very similar situation (as many others who post here also have), I really think you need to play "hardball" with her-how you do it is up to you-making her move out, making sure she knows you are consulting an attorney, etc. My guess is that you're fearful of losing your marriage-so was I. However, once I took a stand with my spouse, it caused him to wake up and realize what he was about to lose.
Good luck to you--I was hoping that we were all wrong and that there was a perfectly innocent explanation for your wife's behavior.
A risky but bold move. I don’t think it was a mistake but it very well could be a make or break move. The content of the texts is not the only issue. It is the amount and it obviously is at an uncomfortable level for you. When I first discovered my wife’s EA I contemplated notifying TOM’s wife but didn’t. I’ve wondered if that would have been the correct move or not. You have now committed so go through with this and let her know this relationship is unacceptable. While you’ve taken a big risk here it may be the wake up call she needs or at least you’ll finally get to know where you stand with her.. I agree, her contacting this man while not calling you while she was away is BS. Good luck and keep us posted. It’s going to get bumpy now, hang on.
She is still at the in-laws and proceeded to send me some fairly nasty texts this AM asking how I could so such a thing/threats of divorce/name calling/etc. She then proceeded to leave a nasty voicemail demanding I call her asap. I have not responded to any of the texts/calls - trying to let her cool down.
I seem to have hit a pretty raw nerve here. She seems more concerned about the fallout with her coworker/his wife than with our marriage.
If it was truely as innocent as she makes it out to be, I can't imagine she would have reacted in this way. Even though she may feel she's done nothing wrong, I think in her mind, this relationship has become an emotional attachement for her and her anger towards you for trying to end it shows just that.
At this point, when you do have a serious talk, try to stay calm and point out why you think the contact is excessive and why it concerns you. If you can get her to open up and admit whatever feelings she is having for him, you will be in a position to try to bring the emotional closeness back into the marriage. Ending contact with him will be important at this stage, but she needs to be on board and understand why.
Well, the latest text message I received from my wife stated that she is "going to file for a divorce" when she returns from the in-laws and there is no need for me to call her back. I have called her twice to no avail (no answer). Ouch.
I have been called some pretty nasty names today and painted as the bad guy here by my wife. I think her reaction speaks volumes about where she was in the relationship with this guy. Having sought the counsel of some close friends, all agree that the contact was best case scenario, inappropriate, and the situation warranted my intervention by telling the other guy to essentialy "cease and desist".
<sigh>
Right now I am pretty wiped out, haven't slept much of late and obviously very unsure as to what tomorrow brings. If I take her at her word, I guess I need to prepare for the worst.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,599
Re: Wife and Male Coworker
I am sorry to hear this but it was a chance you took. I still think it was the right decision. Would you rather live on this way not knowing what was going on? All the secrecy and lack of respect for your feelings? When she returns, be as confident and unemotional as you can and let her know if she is not willing to live within your boundaries the you are ready to move on also.
I am sorry to hear that but it says a lot. Who would really divorce their spouse over "just a friend"?
I hope things work out for you. Maybe she's just acting out of anger right now and doesn't really mean it. She's probably told a friend or family member about what happen and who knows what they may be encouraging her to do or how they may be fueling her anger.
If you feel in your heart the marriage is worth saving then try to talk to her face to face without outsiders. At least that way even if it doesn't work you know you tried your best. And DO NOT feel bad or guilty for your actions, you didn't do anything wrong. Hang in there and I really hope it works out.
At this point, your own self-respect has far more value. You absolutely did the right thing. I will tell you something else, she is likely far more scared than angry. You just blew the little world she thought she had wrapped up, wide open.
She manipulated you.
She lied to you.
She betrayed you.
You just took some control back. I realize it doesn't feel like control at the moment, but it was a significant step.
Don't call her. No point. Think about what you want for an outcome and how much, or how little you are willing to tolerate in hopes of getting there. And let me tell you from experience, if she is unwilling to work with you to reconcile then try to calmly explain she can at least be considerate of your children and work with you to dissolve the marriage.
You mentioned in an earlier post that it seemed you're wife was defending this guy and painting you out to be the bad guy. I soo know that feeling. This woman my ex got involved with could do NO WRONG. Even though her behavior was clearly over the line and juvenile My ex just saw me as controlling and the bad guy. That should speak volumes right there. You took vows with your wife. YOU and your family should be the most important thing in her life. When I was in a good place in my marriage another guy could have grabbed me by my ankles and tried to take me away from my ex I still wouldn't have left. And yes I agree, people don't walk away from their marriages for a platonic friend. Sorry it's come to this point for you. I wish now sometimes I would have confronted the woman my ex was involved with but I didn't want to upset him and push him further away. Don't know what good it would have done anyway. She is a moron. He left anyway. His loss, my gain. Good Luck. Keep your convictions and protect your family. You haven't done anything wrong. It's all her.
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Re: Wife and Male Coworker 
