Re: Wife and Male Coworker
This is the Cliffs Notes version of a LONG talk from last night...
My wife went a down a literal list of things that she has been unhappy about in the marriage (e.g., feels like a roommate, not told she is pretty often enough, I don't help out enough with the kids, not told smart often enough, doesn't feel appreciated, doesn't feel loved, etc...). She just breezed over the current events and focused on just about everything else. I sat attentively, but will add that listening to a spouse go down a list of things, all negative, about you is not easy - but I just sat and listened and never interrupted (mind you, there were many a time I wanted to interrupt and contest what she was saying, as it was inaccurate...but I didn't). During this time she also told me that on more than one occasion this past year somebody suggested having an affair with her which she turned down (WTH?). With regards to addressing what has transpired over the past fee weeks (emotional affair - lying, betrayal, etc), she simply made a passing reference to it - still minimizing the whole episode. Basically, she positioned the EA as a symptom, not the problem and justified it because it felt good to be told she was funny, smart, etc (my guess is attractive and sexy as well).
I explained to her that if I were to concede every issue she brought up (which I don't), for the sake of argument - all of the issues are addressable and workable. However, the betrayal, disrespect, deceit, and complete lack of trust is a much more difficult mountain to climb. She simply doesn't see it that way - she still rationalizes and almost justifies it (wasn't getting the attention at home that she was getting at work). I brought it up that not a single time over the past 10 years has she ever said to me "look, I feel the following because....and we need to work on it/etc". Not once. I absolutely agreed that I was far from perfect and needed to work on some of the things she brought up - all the while illustrating for her that I fact do much of which she says I don't and gave numerous examples. Again, I fully admit I could work on some of that which she brought up.
I pointed out to her it was two way street...I asked her when was the last time she paid a compliment to me? While I do not need such constant reaffirmation, I pointed out to her that the very things she feels I do not do enough, she doesn't do at all (aside from the occasional "you like nice" when we go out to dinner).
I made sure to go over the things that I do LIKE about her: smart, pretty, witty, hard worker, great mother, great lover, etc) and that the positive things far outweigh the negative...(recent events aside). I didn't want to this to be all negative, but not once did I hear the same.
I told her that not once during the marriage have I betrayed her or caused her to lose trust in me. Now however, because of HER actions and her actions alone, I feel betrayed, dishonored, and frankly spit upon.
Clearly there are issues and problems afoot that may or may not have contributed to her having an EA with the coworker. But what about her claim that she has been propositioned by another guy to have an affair (same guy? different guy?) - my guess that only happens after she put herself into a situation/relationship that go to a point where it was the next logical step, at least for the other guy? I didn't even have the energy last night to dig further into that - she claims it didn't happen because it was wrong/etc. I want to to know who that was - a friend? Somebody we have over socially? Somebody she works with? Is it even true? <sigh>
She did mention that it might be a good idea for us to seek counseling. I am sitting on this fence about this, but it might be helpful for her to hear things from a third party.
The discussion last night ended when we were going in circles - she didn't like hearing that she betrayed me, lied to me, etc, she would get really upset and start bringing up the things about me that make her unhappy - she wouldn't see that the what she DID was far worse than anything I DIDN'T do.
This AM things were OK (still sleeping in the same bedroom). She gave me a hug and told me she loves me - whether she means it or not, I don't know. She did make it a point to inform me that all password protection/etc is off her computer...(last night I told her I frankly don't care anymore about her computer/phone, as I have seen all I need to see).
I would be lying if I said I was optimistic about the future of our marriage. I have tried for three weeks now to do the right thing...pay more attention to her, tried to put everything on the table, tried to talk about problems, tell her I love her, communicate during the day while at work, etc....all it got me was more lies and deceit - and she isn't the least bit remorseful (or if she is, she doesn't verbalize it). If she doesn't see it for what it is, how can she promise not to go down the same path the next time she is unhappy?
I guess for now, we will take it day by day, but living with uncertainty abound is enough to make me want to throw in the towel.
Thanks again for the replies...this has been and continues to be somewhat therapeutic.
Last edited by ConfusedinColumbus; 03-04-2009 at 08:01 AM.