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Old 03-10-2009, 11:38 AM   #46 (permalink)
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You have taken and continue to take all the right steps. I sincerely wish you and your spouse well.

The fact that your wife seemed 'spent' after therapy is also very encouraging. It means she's doing real work and not paying it lip-service. The therapy sessions in which you make the most progress are often the ones you walk out of feeling like absolute crap.
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Old 03-10-2009, 12:09 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ConfusedinColumbus View Post
Knowing that this likely will be a long road with many peaks and valleys, I am cautiously optimistic and keeping my fingers crossed.
CC
Lots of good signs here CC. Keep up your good work and commitment to yourself, your wife and family. Do not rub it in, time to put egos aside and let things heal. There will likely be more painful steps ahead so keep things as smooth as possible. Continue to give her accolades for her efforts. What she is doing is the right thing but likely incredibly difficult for her at this time. Good luck.
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Old 03-17-2009, 06:42 AM   #48 (permalink)
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And it continues...

She sent/exchanged multiple texts with TOM yesterday AFTER she left work...<sigh>

Haven't confronted her about this yet, but I am sure it won't be pretty (fully expecting the usual - "why are you looking at my phone bill/etc"). She knows I can see these texts (not content), but yet she does it. Damn.
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Old 03-17-2009, 08:16 AM   #49 (permalink)
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While you can’t be forgiving forever it is not a surprise she has stubbed her toe. The process of disconnecting from him will be difficult but it must be done. When you confront her remind her of the boundaries you agreed on and that this cannot continue. She also needs to understand that just as she is hurting in ending this relationship you to suffer in working to regain trust in her. You both have work to do.
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Old 03-17-2009, 01:28 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Your wife needs to suffer and feel some consquences of her choices and actions. Right now she is in an affair fog, and only thinking of herself. I'm sure she's sorry (sorry she got caught) but she's not sorry enough to STOP this inappropriate behaviour with her married coworker.

If your marriage has a chance to work, she has to consider changing jobs or asking for a transfer, away from the married man. And, they need to STOP communicating and go no contact.

Does this guy's wife know about the EA? That's another option .. Tell her so it'll help stop the affair from continuing.

Question - Are you sure it was just an EA? Most people who cheat and get busted lie and deny, let alone minimize details.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.
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Old 03-23-2009, 07:32 AM   #51 (permalink)
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The peaks and valleys continue...

Things went horribly south last week, improved, and then ended with a plateau of sorts.

After her last therapy session (week and a half a go), I did notice she was emotionally drained and she became somewhat ambivalent and a tad distant. The original game plan was for her to go to 1 or 2 sessions alone before going together. Something happened during her last session wherein the therapist suggested she come back a few more times alone before a couples' session. With me leaving on business this week, I didn't want to delay getting in to see the therapist so I suggested I go in alone before traveling - and to a certain degree, I wanted the therapist to hear "my side" so to speak and make sure she had the complete story before the couples' session. Wife was on board and I made the call.

In the interim, we talked a little about her last session and I ask if any discussion about TOM arose...she said not really, as it isn't really an issue...HUH? Understand that I have been bending over backwards to work on the areas I believe need working on. However, I haven't really seen any work or effort on her part to regain my trust/etc (correction to my previous post, her phone is still LOCKED). Recently, I was doing some thinking and I got a little angry, in that all I saw were my efforts and her ambivalence. She is the one who has lied, betrayed, and covered up....not me and I don't see any remorse/etc.

Off to the therapist...

The therapist is fully onboard with this being, at best case scenario, an EA. She asked if anything more had happened, what I would do...I told her I would leave and divorce me wife. I didn't get the warm fuzzies from the question...maybe just a standard question. I vented for a good 1/2 hour and gave her some background I am sure she hadn't heard. She wants to focus on the areas we can use as a door into therapy...rather than focus on the bad/EA/etc...as doing so, she believes, will doom us. She thinks we can revisit those things after we strengthen our marriage as it is in crisis and kept together my a single, frayed piece of wire (metaphorically of course). OK, I get it...but I have a hard time moving forward without my wife recognizing how damaging her actions have been. I also got the impression that the therapist recognizes my wife's ambivalence. Not that it was needed, but it was nice to receive reaffirmation from the therapist. Of course, my "mea culpa" was recognizing (without prompting) areas of the marriage that I need to work on.

The therapist said she would like to see my wife once more (this week while I am a way) and then as a joint session after my return.

After the session and once home, I learned that my wife had exchanged texts with TOM again (see previous post), ironically during my session with the therapist...<sigh> This made me angry. I did make mention to the therapist that my wife continues to communicate with TOM (outside of work) and sought guidance and dealing with this...she suggested telling my wife I love her and committed to working on X and Y, BUT she has to stop communicating with TOM (sounds familiar, have only had that conversation at least a dozen times now).

I raised this with my wife and she tells me it was work-related and scolded me for again looking at the phone bill. I explained to her there is no reason to contact this guy outside of work: zero, nada, zilch. I then began talking about how ambivalent she appears and that how I don't see any effort on her part to regain my trust and work on the marriage....she stated that she was indeed making efforts, as she "was still here". I almost walked out of the room with that reply, very telling. She recognized that I get "an A for effort" on working on things, to which I responded she gets "a D for her lack of effort". She responded and took that position that she didn't do anything wrong. Wow, talk about one step forward and two backward... I couldn't believe I heard that and called her on it...things got a little heated to say the least (I attempted to illustrate the obvious). I told her my energy and patience are finite and if we BOTH are committed to making this work, there is no point in continuing. Still denies it was an EA and is VERY uncomfortable with me, the therapist, and others calling it what it is (still touting it as a simple friendship...I had to remind her that she had previously admitted she loved the attention he gave her/etc).

I asked her to show me the text messages between her and TOM, if they were work-related, that would go along way in starting to regain my trust...she wouldn't show them to me because she wasn't "going to live like this". Wow, that speaks volumes. Nothing to hide, then prove to me it was benign work chat...my guess it was both work and EA related.

We ended this "discussion" with her promising to work on the marriage/etc...I took that with a grain of salt. Same story, different day.

The next AM I see yet another text from TOM to my wife which appeared to go unanswered. While considering the "Nuclear Option", my wife texts me with "he texted me again this AM, wishing me good luck on the project, which is what we were texting/emailing about the last couple days, you can read them if you want". My wife gets a few points back for that, but in my book she is still running a deficit.

We had a pretty good weekend, she tells me she wishes I wasn't going away, loves me, etc. We spent a lot of time this weekend as a family.

I think getting away for five days will be good for both of us.

She is scheduled to see the therapist tomorrow and we will likely have a session together next week.

Thanks for the continued insight, advice, and support.

CC

Last edited by ConfusedinColumbus; 03-23-2009 at 08:49 AM. Reason: Typos
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Old 03-23-2009, 08:18 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Hey CC, this roller coaster comes with free reruns doesn’t it? I do hope it levels a bit for you in the future. It is emotionally draining. In short your wife is either in denial or is completely unaware of what this relationship really is. The fact that they work together really complicates things and until she recognizes that this is an EA and she IS likely in love with this guy she will likely continue to act in a manner of ambivalence. I like the therapist approach to work on other aspects of the marriage first to strengthen it before the ultimate show down in the future. I think that my help when the two of you are ready to discuss and resolve that issue. You are perfectly correct in monitoring the communications even though she resents it. You might keep that in the back ground for now just so you understand what the level of communications is as you move forward. Good luck.
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Old 03-23-2009, 03:15 PM   #53 (permalink)
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ConfusedinColumbus

I know exactly where you are at. You have gone alot farther than me. See "my wifes best friend is an man". Congrads on the email deal but you have the same problem I have. No hard proof of any thing. If only you could read text msgs huh. I do not want to alarm you but I would watch here text while you are gone. I too get the "I love you, we are just friends" but she has several girlfreinds and they talk 1-2 times per week. denial denial is all I hear. Good luck and I hope you two can work it out.
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Old 03-23-2009, 03:18 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Hey Confused, join the club. I wish I would have found this post sooner. I have been and am still going through an exact scenario with my wife. I busted her about 2 months ago. Different situation but same circumstances. We started taking ballroom dance lessons (which she has always desired) about 2 years ago and got to know the owners. Long story short, she got real close to her "instructor" - the male counterpart of the owners. I know something was different with her over about a 3 month period so I started investigating. I looked at her cell phone records and found she was talking to him on the phone constantly when I was not around. Coincidental huh?

Your story plays out almost exactly like mine. She was sort of apologetic at first. I had to get really insanely mad to get my point across. However, 2 months later, we still have issues about it because she is not really sorry and still desires to have a relationship of some sort with this guy. If I am not mistaken, she told me he was "like a brother". I suppose it is hard to quit someone cold turkey when those emotions exist.

I am not concerned about a physical affair since the guy is not attractive at all. I would be surprised if she did. In any case, I am sorry to tell you this but the feeling os mistrust and suspicion does not go away quickly. I still find myself suspicious of her to this day. The trust has been broken and it hurts bad. It's really a bad thing when that happens and I don't know how to get it back.

I feel for you big time. I am still going through these feelings. If she does not love me, then just TELL ME. Instead she plays games and patronizes me. My wife "tells" when she is going to call him so she can supposedly schedule lessons and so forth. What BS that I still have to deal with this but I do. If I cut off her dancing (which she loves) then I am still the bad guy. Know what I mean?

I wish I had answers for you. Let me know how the therapy goes because I am almost to that point. I need someone else to look at her and tell her that having an emotional relationship behind your husband's back is not appropriate it. However, I suspect that she would just be defensive or dismissive.

I am sure you are dumbfounded like I am that a woman would put her marriage and family (we have kids) in a compromising position like this. I thought men were the ones who did stuff like this.

I know some people will tell you that you are to blame somehow because of some need you did not fulfill and all that. While that may be initially one of the causes, that is not an excuse or any reason for any part of the whole EA to continue. I mean enough is enough, there has to be a point where she says OK I give up or OK I will do what you want. Instead, it sounds like both of our wives want to have their cake and eat it too.

We can certainly share some thoughts and plans here because I am in the same exact situation you are. In fact, I joined this website to "get back" at her in a way for all the emotional rollercoaster BS she has put me through. I had to find somewhere to vent because I was going crazy.

What's the next step for you because I can tell you it will not get better anytime soon? I am trying (and have tried) all the stuff you have thinking she would come to some realization of truth. It has not happened. Meanwhile, the source of the problem is still ever present since we still take lessons from them.

Sorry this is so long. I just thought I would let you know that here is another good honest family man out there who is being subjected to the same BS you are. If I was a bad uncaring husband who never gave his wife any attention then I could see why she would do something like this. But I am not and I don't deserve this. Nobody does.
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Old 03-24-2009, 11:59 AM   #55 (permalink)
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...she wouldn't show them to me because she wasn't "going to live like this". Wow, that speaks volumes. Nothing to hide, then prove to me
That's because there obviously was something she didn't want you to see. And her showing you the other text just means that particular one was innocent enough to show you.

She doesn't get it yet which means she's still in a fog and can't or won't see the damage she's doing. She isn't willing to come forth and be an openbook because she DOES have stuff to hide.
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Old 03-30-2009, 07:02 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Just returned from a business trip.

While away, we did manage to have a HUGE blow out (via email/text/phone). Before I left I promised myself I would not check phone records while away, didn't want to ruing my trip and I have since come to the conclusion that I CANNOT control her behavior (that is, can't stop her from carrying on the EA if she so chooses). As such, the argument had nothing to do with recent (known) contact with TOM as discovered by examining the phone/text bill.

We were having a late night discussion on the phone and she become uber-defensive, unbelievabley so - I was simply voicing some concerns (mind you, this is after talking about positive things, reiterating my love for her, etc). She had visited with the therapist again earlier that day, this, coupled with a few obvious glasses of wine on her part and it was a recipe for a rumble...she just lost it...became defensive, defended TOM, called me a few choice names, denied ANY wrong doing, etc....hung up on me and then sent a text telling me she had a lawyer and suggested I get one as well. Ugh.

I responded (via text) agreeing to divorce; asked for her lawyer's name (so I can have my lawyer reach out to her lawyer); and then explained that SHE will have to explain to the kids why mommy cheated on daddy...told her that my patience and energy are finite and close to, if not already exhausted...and then a big "f you". <sigh>

Needless to say that didn't go over too well, a few less than romantic emails were later received (READ: telling me I need to move out, she didn't do anything wrong, blah...blah...blah) which I ignored. We did speak the next AM. She apologized and I again explained to her that if I don't see effort or change on her part, I am out - tired of having the same damn conversation every few weeks now. I have always said that as long as I can look my kids in the eyes and say "daddy tried everything", I will then be able look in the mirror, albeit with some grief, and move on. Long story short, she AGAIN tells me she wants to make this work, loves me, etc. Told her I have heard it before and it was time to prove it...I told her that her actions need to parallel her words.

A short time later, she emailed saying she recognized most of this is her fault (a first) and apologized for hurting me and throwing away my trust. She also said she will do whatever it takes to regain my trust and wants to "start over"...in that there was a time when we were both happy and she wants to get there again (another first).

I was actually encouraged when I read this email, she said things I hadn't heard, but wanted/needed to hear (mea culpa, apologizing for HER actions, recognizing the damage done, etc). I reiterated my desire and commitment to making this work.

My return was warm and no fires have erupted since. We had a nice weekend together as a family. I continue to take it one day at a time.

She will see the therapist once more before we attend a session together (she again tells me she has some things to work out, don't know the details of these "things", but clearly issues that need addressing).

This is truly an exhausting and numbing experience. I am tired, so very tired.

I very much feel as if the next few weeks/months will make or break us. If I don't see her make substantial and considerable efforts at remedying the problems we have, brought to a head by her EA and the related baggage it brings (betrayal, deceit, lies, etc), then it will be time for separation...not going to continue this for years to come in hopes of her changing and her regaining my trust, all the while I spend considerable emotional capital on trying to improve the marriage.

It was actually good for me to be away for almost a week, able to do a lot of thinking, socializing with friends/colleagues, but it also reminded me of how I long for my kids when away... reinforcing my commitment to resolving these marital woes.

CC

Last edited by ConfusedinColumbus; 03-30-2009 at 08:31 AM.
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Old 03-30-2009, 08:17 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Good and bad CC but for the most part I think it was positive. Maybe between you and the counselor she is beginning to realize how damaging her actions are to you and her family. Good luck and carry on.
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Old 03-30-2009, 08:30 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Thanks Amp, appreciate the continued support/advice.

Her mea culpa went a long way with me and gives me some needed hope. There was something very different about her contrition this time...I could be wrong and still in a fog myself, but for the first time she seems to recognize and acknowledge the damage she has caused the marriage/family (of course, I still recognize my shortcomings in the marriage and continue to work on them).

Only time will tell whether this works out or not, but fingers still crossed.

CC

Last edited by ConfusedinColumbus; 03-30-2009 at 08:36 AM.
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Old 04-02-2010, 11:24 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Having been through this myself I can only comment on the following:
1. The number of years married - not important (I was married for 26 years at that point). It can happen to anyone.
2. You will never trust your partner again - EVER.
3. Whether a PA or EA - it has the same effect on the relationship.
4. Having children complicates things - and is never a solution.
5. If you have no children - accept the situation - or get out.

I can tell you this and that...but at the end of it all ...only one person matters..YOU.

Treat this (my fried says) like that first BAD car you bought. Dump it, and find a model that suites you better.
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Old 10-30-2012, 07:50 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Confusedincolumbus... Wow, mirror image.... How did your story work out?
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