Re: Wife and Male Coworker
The peaks and valleys continue...
Things went horribly south last week, improved, and then ended with a plateau of sorts.
After her last therapy session (week and a half a go), I did notice she was emotionally drained and she became somewhat ambivalent and a tad distant. The original game plan was for her to go to 1 or 2 sessions alone before going together. Something happened during her last session wherein the therapist suggested she come back a few more times alone before a couples' session. With me leaving on business this week, I didn't want to delay getting in to see the therapist so I suggested I go in alone before traveling - and to a certain degree, I wanted the therapist to hear "my side" so to speak and make sure she had the complete story before the couples' session. Wife was on board and I made the call.
In the interim, we talked a little about her last session and I ask if any discussion about TOM arose...she said not really, as it isn't really an issue...HUH? Understand that I have been bending over backwards to work on the areas I believe need working on. However, I haven't really seen any work or effort on her part to regain my trust/etc (correction to my previous post, her phone is still LOCKED). Recently, I was doing some thinking and I got a little angry, in that all I saw were my efforts and her ambivalence. She is the one who has lied, betrayed, and covered up....not me and I don't see any remorse/etc.
Off to the therapist...
The therapist is fully onboard with this being, at best case scenario, an EA. She asked if anything more had happened, what I would do...I told her I would leave and divorce me wife. I didn't get the warm fuzzies from the question...maybe just a standard question. I vented for a good 1/2 hour and gave her some background I am sure she hadn't heard. She wants to focus on the areas we can use as a door into therapy...rather than focus on the bad/EA/etc...as doing so, she believes, will doom us. She thinks we can revisit those things after we strengthen our marriage as it is in crisis and kept together my a single, frayed piece of wire (metaphorically of course). OK, I get it...but I have a hard time moving forward without my wife recognizing how damaging her actions have been. I also got the impression that the therapist recognizes my wife's ambivalence. Not that it was needed, but it was nice to receive reaffirmation from the therapist. Of course, my "mea culpa" was recognizing (without prompting) areas of the marriage that I need to work on.
The therapist said she would like to see my wife once more (this week while I am a way) and then as a joint session after my return.
After the session and once home, I learned that my wife had exchanged texts with TOM again (see previous post), ironically during my session with the therapist...<sigh> This made me angry. I did make mention to the therapist that my wife continues to communicate with TOM (outside of work) and sought guidance and dealing with this...she suggested telling my wife I love her and committed to working on X and Y, BUT she has to stop communicating with TOM (sounds familiar, have only had that conversation at least a dozen times now).
I raised this with my wife and she tells me it was work-related and scolded me for again looking at the phone bill. I explained to her there is no reason to contact this guy outside of work: zero, nada, zilch. I then began talking about how ambivalent she appears and that how I don't see any effort on her part to regain my trust and work on the marriage....she stated that she was indeed making efforts, as she "was still here". I almost walked out of the room with that reply, very telling. She recognized that I get "an A for effort" on working on things, to which I responded she gets "a D for her lack of effort". She responded and took that position that she didn't do anything wrong. Wow, talk about one step forward and two backward... I couldn't believe I heard that and called her on it...things got a little heated to say the least (I attempted to illustrate the obvious). I told her my energy and patience are finite and if we BOTH are committed to making this work, there is no point in continuing. Still denies it was an EA and is VERY uncomfortable with me, the therapist, and others calling it what it is (still touting it as a simple friendship...I had to remind her that she had previously admitted she loved the attention he gave her/etc).
I asked her to show me the text messages between her and TOM, if they were work-related, that would go along way in starting to regain my trust...she wouldn't show them to me because she wasn't "going to live like this". Wow, that speaks volumes. Nothing to hide, then prove to me it was benign work chat...my guess it was both work and EA related.
We ended this "discussion" with her promising to work on the marriage/etc...I took that with a grain of salt. Same story, different day.
The next AM I see yet another text from TOM to my wife which appeared to go unanswered. While considering the "Nuclear Option", my wife texts me with "he texted me again this AM, wishing me good luck on the project, which is what we were texting/emailing about the last couple days, you can read them if you want". My wife gets a few points back for that, but in my book she is still running a deficit.
We had a pretty good weekend, she tells me she wishes I wasn't going away, loves me, etc. We spent a lot of time this weekend as a family.
I think getting away for five days will be good for both of us.
She is scheduled to see the therapist tomorrow and we will likely have a session together next week.
Thanks for the continued insight, advice, and support.
Last edited by ConfusedinColumbus; 03-23-2009 at 09:49 AM.