ConfusedinColumbus

Would appreciate some advice/insight to my current dilemma...

Just discovered that my wife of 10 years and a married male co-worker exchanged over 700 text messages in a one month period, including 40+ messages on Christmas day. Text sessions have sometimes been for 60-90 minutes straight, a night while at home. Texts occur in the AM, PM and weekends. She deletes her emails/texts. We went to dinner with this co-worker and his wife (before I knew about the "relationship") and learned that he sent a text to her while at dinner (presumably when he went to the restroom) and another after dinner.

When confronted about this, she claims its nothing and they are just friends. She does not believe it is inappropriate, as she is "one of the guys" and this coworker in question is just a friend. No explanation as to what they talked about on Christmas or why she deletes her texts/emails.

She continues to text him, too early to tell if it is less so. Mind you, she sees him almost everyday at work.

This is her second marriage, she did cheat on her first husband with a coworker (she downplays that because she was young and unhappily married).

Thanks,
ConfusedinColumbus

Amplexor

FLAG #1 This is way too much contact.

FLAG #2 She is taking time away from you and the kids during what should be a "Family" celebration. (So is he) Where are her priorities?

FLAG #3 She knows the contact is inapropriate so she hides it.

FLAG #4 She is in denial or is hiding her real feelings from you.

FLAG #5 She is rationalizing

FLAG #6 They are in daily physical contact

FLAG #7 This one speaks for itself

This is at a minimum an emotional affair. Their actions are hurting two marriages. Does his wife know about the contact? She needs to be made to see what this is and how it is likely hurting your marrieage. Aside from this how is the marriage in general?

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

onlylonelyone

she is guilty on all charges, lol...

ConfusedinColumbus

Thanks for replies...

For the most part the marriage is good (usual ups and downs, still intimate, two kids, good careers, etc). Now however, trust is in short supply (whether me wondering about her fidelity or her thinking about me snooping around).

His wife does know about the communication, but doubtful she knows the unfathomable number of total text messages - she apparently made some mention of it to her husband...with no obvious impact as the texting continued.

We have pretty much brushed in under the rug and my wife now treats it as a joke. He has been made aware of my knowledge of the communication and sent me an email apologizing, but similar to my wife he rationalizes it and said it was just friendly chat. I have not returned this email.

Last evening she told me she was going to check her email real quick before coming to bed and proceeded to text him (and her girlfriend, who she did tell me she chatted with, but no mention of the texting the male coworker). Last text message she received was from him (at almost 11PM).

This is no fun. I have no idea what transpires at work and no idea as to the subject matter in the texts.

Dancing Nancie

I think that if you ignore this issue you will find it get worse and worse.

Well it's never fun to snoop, but I think that you have more than enough reasons to do so. I think installing a keylogger on the computer that she uses for email would be a good start to see what she is emailing about. There are some ways to get a transcript of the text messages, but I am no expert...

daycaremom

This is how things started with my now ex BF of 18 years. We had the house, kids, intimacy the whole thing. His relationship to the OW was a co-worker also. Now i have finally gotten sick of hearing "we are just friends"
He wasn't as careful as your wife. I did get a hold of his cell phone and read some incredible text messages that i now can't seem to forget. She was some friend... he spent hundreds of dollars on earrings for her christmas present. This relationship went on for months and he kept saying it was over. Everytime they got into a fight "It was over" until the next time. Always behind my back.
The bottom line is that if you as her husband feel this contact is out of line then she needs to respect you and stop this emotional affair before the family is torn apart.
If I could go back and change how I handled my situation, I would have kicked him out at the beginning because that seems to shock reality into the offender.
You must follow your gut intuition on this. Good luck

COFLgirl

Whatever you do, don't brush it under the rug and don't ignore it. What your wife is doing is wrong. In my situation, it was my husband who was talking, talking, talking (and texting and emailing) a colleague who was "just a friend." Lord, I get so sick of that term--it is definitely a cover or a way to rationalize something much more serious. If I had followed my instincts about what I found in the phone records, my husband would have had to come clean long before he did.

Please follow your instincts here and don't ignore what is going on. It will only get worse. There is no reason for anyone (unless you're a teenage girl with nothing else to do) to send 700 texts to one person unless they are somehow involved.

Your wife's joking behavior and attitude about the whole thing shows a lack of respect for your feelings. Take it from someone who has been through the same thing. I am still recovering and it has been 3 months since my husband confessed his inappropriate friendship. My husband is genuinely remorseful for his actions-all the calls, texts, etc. However, it doesn't take away the pain that his behavior caused. Nip it in the bud before it is too late!

T-Dub

There is no way you should brush it under the rug. I think you should have a nice talk with his wife. Show her the phone records and tell her you want it stopped. Your wife is acting "Flip" about the whole thing! GO Buckeye's

1nurse

Sorry to hear of your dilemma. My ex would send some months as per his cell bill over 1000 text messages to his "friend" through work. Been there done that. Ask her this question, "do you text your other friends this much?" She's emotionally involved. Once the "friend" gets in there good luck getting him out.

TNgirl232

Been there - been the wife - Mine was on Instant messanger.

It starts as friendly banter, then flirting, the sexual innuendo, to cybersex to the real thing. I don't know where she is in the process but it won't lead anywhere good. All communication MUST stop.

GAsoccerman

I agree on the "over texting"

Tell her if nothing is going on, to let you read them before deleting.

I have plenty of female friends that I am flirty with, I never text them this much or e-mail them.

this is over the top, you have reason to be concerned.

ConfusedinColumbus

Thanks for everyone's replies, validating my belief that something is afoot. But what exactly remains unclear.
What is an "emotional affair"? I have never heard of such a thing...I always imagined an affair wherein one spouse is physically intimate with somebody else...is this like "an affair of heart"? She often says I read too much into things and tend to be overly analytical (job hazard) - she argues such is the case here.

To update, yesterday she locked down her phone (password needed to open - which I do not have) and changed the password for her email account (also do not have).

Trying to figure out how to bring this up again, as the dust was just starting to settle after the initial discussion about the excessive communication, so much easier to stand back and see if it blows over (while trying to monitor the situation). When I jokingly said something about it this AM (after she made mention of something associated with him in a benign way), she just tells me to "get over it".

Still "ConfusedinColumbus"... (Go Buckeyes indeed!)

CPT CONFUSED

i have a question for you? whos names is the cell phone in? if it is in yours you can take the phone to a cell phone provider one that deals with your service and unlock it and read all the texts that are on the phone also some companies have to retain records for a certain amount of time before they delete them so you might also be able to read things she may have already deleted from the phone.

__________________
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"i will be a more sensitive,caring,and emotional person this is what my family deserves from me."
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Amplexor

An emotional affair can be just as damaging as a physical one. In short the wondering spouse is using someone outside the marriage as an emotional center. This can lead on a full PA but not necessarily so. I some cases the two may never even meet in real life. Her locking down her phone and emails only adds to the secrecy and depth in which she is involved with this man. Her “get over it” attitude only underscores he lack of concern with your feelings. She may or may not be aware that she has feelings for this man that a married woman should not have. Has she withdrawn from the marriage of late? Are there other flags you have missed? This relationship is damaging to your marriage and needs to be addressed. I would seriously consider counseling.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

blindsided

Dear Confused:

I suspect you don't need everyone else to tell you what your heart is already feeling and your instincts are already telling you.

Your situation is just like mine, simply with a reverse of the sexes.

So, unless you want to change your name from "Confused" to "blindsided" like me, it is time for a heart to heart with your wife, and I mean NOW. You need to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that this is already a full blown affair (but my hope is that you are not too late). The first step is complete open discussion and putting it ALL on the table. You may not like what you find out, but it must be done. This passwording stuff must stop. You are her husband, and there should be no secrets.

If there is an affair, it needs to end immediately. You need to be clear on this, if you indeed want to save your relationship with your wife.

If possible (was not in my case), they need to stop all contact.

Please don't ignore this and end up regretting (as I do) that I might have prevented it before it happened.

Keep us posted, and good luck.