that_girl

Oh jeez, it's not a warning, it's an insult.

A warning would be buying her cute things to wear. Or asking if she's ok because she looks tired or warn down.

Putting down her looks and making faces is an INSULT. I'm sorry if you can't see it like that...maybe you tolerate too much in your own marriage.

My husband isn't rude like this to me. If I ask his opinion, he's honest, but just to comment on my looks without my asking? Never. Nor I him.

Yes, look good for each other, but you don't need to be his barbie doll. This is life. Some days you just feel like crap and don't want to doll up. Though crap for him. I promise he doesn't always look like a GQ man...if ever.

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COguy

I didn't read all the responses.

He's doing it because he's insecure. When you dress up he feels like you are too beautiful and is fearful that you will find someone else and leave him. So he gets frustrated and insults you. It is a method of controlling a spouse. By making you feel ugly about yourself you will think less of yourself and feel more "stuck" with your current husband.

Likewise the comments when you don't dress up is another method of control. This is something controlling spouses do, he will make you never feel good enough so that you think less of yourself and then start believing you have to be with him because he's doing you a big favor by sticking around and "putting up with you."

He has insecurity issues. He needs counselling. You need counselling. It will not get better, it will continue for the rest of your life, and probably get worse. He needs to work through his issues. You need to get IC to both treat the damage he's done to you as well as find out why you accept to live in a relationship where you are emotionally abused.

I could be overexaggerating what is going on, but I would bet a good chunk of money that this is not the only issue that comes up in regards to this. He is probably overly critical of many areas in your life correct? Very controlling and overbearing? Micro-managing everything you do? Making you feel like crap regularly?

Trenton

I totally, totally agree. It's immature but to the point. I think it has to do with our personalities in that I really prefer to the point. I don't really want a husband who never tells me how he feels. I'd prefer immature and blunt to passive aggressive or completely removed.

There's a difference between wanting to relax and chill out and always looking sloppy for hubs and dressed to impress when going out which is the message I got from the op's post. I also don't see the op's husband's comments as insecurity. I see them as frustration with the op's choices.

I also agree that sometimes you feel like crap and don't want to get dolled up. Trust me, I don't walk around in heels and full makeup at home every day and lingerie to bed every night. We aren't Barbie dolls and we do get sick, feel under the weather or need down time to just chill in sweats in front of the tv, but I do think wanting to feel attractive to your husband is a natural, healthy part of a relationship and it's too easy to get comfortable and not consider it.

that_girl

All I gotta say is yoga pants and a tight tank top. Problem solved. Everyone is happy.

I wear cute lounge clothes. I look nice when we go out. I do my hair and makeup daily--- even right now as I recover from surgery

I just think if your mate says, "hey that hurts" and you still want to tell them, then you need to change your approach instead of building more pain and resentment.

We don't insult each other in this family. We just don't.

People who do tend to lack in compassion from my experience.

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Trenton

Yeah. I suggested the yoga pants. They're really comfy and a pleaser...no idea why.

I think you're in a really healthy, happy spot in your relationship right now. We don't insult each other either here but there have been times when we have when things were in the crapper.

savannah

Yes! Yoga pants are fun to wear around without looking too dumpy.

You know I don't even really dress that badly at home. I just have very little make up because, IM HOME, I want to relax and have no need to wear high heels while making pot roast! I can't be a 50's mom all dolled up while vacuuming, you know.

But yes, the snide comments are the worse. I have told him straight out that that was rude, before I start really balling my eyes out, I just walk away.

Actually I used to dress up a lot more when we were younger, but as you get older, it is a bit of an extra chore to dress up- We also don't go out the way we used to , no more dinners unless its with the kids, no nights out on the town...

I recently even joined a gym to try and loose some extra pounds I gained that make me feel even worse. He never comments about the wieght I put on, which isn't major, but significant for me.

But I want to look good for ME, not him-- OK HIM is part of it, but I want to dress up or down according to MY mood-- why the hell does he want to suddently judge me for this?

He is insecure. I mean he always have been. Counselling we've tried, with no luck. He's not one to go to those and REALLY understand why. Actualy our conunselling made matters worse becasue our counselor opened up things he didn't necessarily want to discuss and left him hanging for another week thinking about it-- It was a nightmare!

At the risk of living that way, we quit counselling. For the most part I'm on the "ignoring" mode.... he says crap I don't like I just look away and TRY my best not to let it get to me.

COguy

Certainly a respectful approach but you won't have a breakthrough "putting up with it".

If you can live the rest of your life like that then continue on, but don't expect a change if you don't demand one.

savannah

Absolutely right ! He is quite controlling and insecure. He tries to hide it, but he is always afraid people will "see" me dressed up... yet is acceptable to be dressed up if I am with HIM. Yes, that is insecurity right there!

Often times this yo-yo he gives me of why are you dressed nicely vs. why arent you dressed nicely , drives me insane! Sometimes I just dont bother... and it wasn't until lately that I said to myself.. why the hell not??!

I am letting this person dictate how I should dress?
Not like me at all! but I suppose the constant badgering got to my confidence... I try to ignore it and think he's just a complete moron- But sometimes it still does affect me in a bad way...