I've posted before (I think twice) and always deleted them because I am super sensitive and got some not so nice 'advice' plus was afraid my husband would recognize me if he went "searching."
I have been married between 15 and 20 years (just using generalizations) to the same man. We met in our early 20's. We have had a pretty good relationship. The only thing we ever REALLY argued about was booze. He's a heavy drinker and borderline functioning alcoholic (have a whole family full of them so I know the difference). We started having children about five years into the marriage after we traveled a bit and spent "us time."
Since then we've had more than 5 children (!). I stayed at home and cared for them while always keeping a hand part time in a work-from-home position.
The intimacy - like so many others on this board - is just gone. It's BEEN gone for a long time on MY part, not his. He'd have sex every single day. He is constantly trying to cop a feel or look at me dress. His sex drive is in hyperdrive whereas mine is super low (I take antidepressants and antimigraine meds for migraines of over 30 years) All these meds contribute to a low libido and I refuse to give them up. Intimacy is a different story. I lost that four years or so ago from years of emotional neglect.
We recently moved our family from our home state while my spouse still works out of state. He visits several weeks a month and telecommutes. Since having time alone I have "re-discovered" myself. I hadn't realized how lonely, lost and depressed I really was. My spouse doesn't like the "new" me and insists I am probably seeing someone.
Anyway, I have come to the point where I can't take it. I hate to see him unhappy and unfulfilled. He deserves to have his needs met and I just can't do it. I saw a lawyer yesterday so I have my ducks in a row.
Tonight is "the talk" and I have a migraine which I hope to kick before he gets in around dinner time. Any advice from those who have "been there, done that" would be much appreciated.
Hi Between sorry you here it is hard to be intimate with a spouse that's hardly ever home
I think that you should decide what you want in a marriage and do what needs to be done to get their
If yr spouses drinking is untolerable then set that boundary.
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I haven't been divorced, so I can't speak from any experience. My husband, however, has been thru two of them and maintains he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy...it's just too painful (that includes the heartbreak and loss that leads up to the decision.)
From the sound of it, you haven't made the decision flippantly, your well aware of the ramifications of alcohol and you realize there's a happier 'you' inside yourself. You've got big reasons to believe that you and your kids will benefit from new living arrangements. When parents split up I always hope they've worked really hard to do anything they can to prevent the breakup -- kids deserve that -- and it sounds like you have. Alcohol doesn't leave much left over.
I guess if there was anything I could say, I'd say get a firm mental picture of you and your family as you want it to be in the future -- lots of love and connectedness. Focus on moving into that good place, and watch that you don't get seduced by anger. Anger is the hardest thing to manage, I think. A couple of years ago my husband and I got done dirty by someone we thought was a friend - I was surprised at how hard it was to let the anger go. Many nights of no sleep and stewing in fury...it still gets me from time to time.
So...get yourself to a good place. Focus on the good stuff to come, not the bad stuff that's the past. Demand happiness. Stay strong. My best to you!
How did it go?
What do you want for your future? Do you see yourself with someone else or being alone?
Divorce is really difficult, been through it. In my situation, it was really awful. I had to leave for my daughter's sake. The divorce process was a nightmare but my life is so much better now. I don't regret it one bit!
Let us know what happened ok?
I just told him this morning. Just didn't have the nerve to do it then. We've been having long talks leading up to hinting on it, but never really mentioning it. Not to mention every 5 minutes one of the kids would interrupt us.
So all the kids were at school except the 3 year old. He drank a LOT of whiskey last night, mostly because I think he knows in his heart what's coming, so he was hung over this morning. So when he made it down stairs to eat and get coffee I told him. He got angry - called me controlling - said he was a grown man who could drink if he wanted without me telling him what to do.
It's awful. As of this very moment he has a moving company out here to give an estimate on moving back to our original state. I am not even sure I want to go back! This is going to get messy
I reread your OP carefully and saw that both of you have unmet needs - his sexual, yours emotional - and, at one time, you had a pretty good relationship. Is there any chance the relationship is salvageable?
I'm going to comment on sex in a marriage, and I hope you take it well...thoughtfully - I don't know a thing about your relationship, so I may be way off base, and it may be way too late.
Men have a whole different relationship to sex than I do - and I was always quite fond of it. But it's a whole different deal to men. Sex stuff, from the tiniest visual thing to the whole enchilada, bathes them in feel-good warm fuzzies. Your meds, and the deterioration of the relationship, has led to a sexless marriage. That's a deal-breaker for many men.
If this marriage is to be salvaged, sex and the alcohol have to be addressed. Could those two negotiating points be motivation for starting peace talks? You know, little baby steps? Counselors are helpful in this arena because they can suggest give-and-take challenges for each person. I'm not suggesting you get off your meds, but a total lack of libido/sex will be a problem in any relationship... either this one or in your future ones.
Like I said, it may be too late, but I'm grasping for straws. No matter what, he's father to your kids, so I'm looking for the happiest, healthiest ending. Any chance of a family intervention for his drinking? Marriage counseling? Anything to turn this situation around.
Five frogs are sitting on a log. Four decide to jump off. How many are left? Still 5 frogs because there’s a difference between deciding and doing.
To get what you want, take action!
We've been to almost five months of marriage counseling - even the counselor said he drank a lot. We went on an intensive weekend retreat for couples that was "supposed" to work for up to 80% of couple who attend. We did well at first, but again it went down hill.
I would like to remain friends if that's at ALL possible for the sake of the kids. He's a good man at heart it's I who cannot handle his drinking and really shouldn't have to handle it.
I know he has needs and I feel really bad they aren't being met and in a way I set him free. Perhaps there is someone with a higher drive than myself.
Sex, intimacy, comunication problems, blah blah blah. All of those are symptoms to what is really going on. The drinking. I am married to a heavy drinker who will not stop no matter what I do or say. That doesn't make me want to be intimate with him, so our love lives dies a slow death. You are not able or willing to put up with it anymore. You are doing the right thing and being a lot stronger than most (including me). Let him go with love and after all the crap you have to go through to divorce, at the end will be a free soul not worried about a drunk. Stay strong and hang in there!
Set the boundry that he needs to attend AA or go to rehab or both, as you can no longer stand the person he has become due to his drinking issues. And file this should be a good wake up call if not then move on to someone who can meet your needs and wants too.
In the wind, I tried asking him to go to AA - he won't because he doesn't see it as a problem. He said to me today, "I hold down a job, I am not in accidents, etc." He thinks I am trying to "control" him in asking him to stop. The best I could do is get him to stop drinking in front of the children. THAT took a LONG time.
I have a sibling who is also an alcoholic and so was my father who died in '87 in a car accident when he was two times the legal limit. My sibling has been in and out of rehab and just last week was in a serious car accident.
I just can't take any MORE alcohol ruining people's lives, including mine.