BPD'ers are charming when they want something and in this case it was YOU. They are unable however to handle the daily rigors of life ups and downs as you see. Unless he desires change and seeks professional help I'm sad to say nothing will change and if anything it will get worse.
You say that your sex life is so-so... so does that mean that you are still attracted to him? ...and him to you? And, do you feel love or is it just duty?
Another thing to think about is, how do you feel about your husband now? Have you fallen out of love? Do you guys say "I love you" and mean it?
I'm just giving you things to think about, because, all in all you are the only one with the answers to your situation.
Do you feel like it will ever get better? Or, have you lost hope?
To be honest-- I don't know I think that I love him still - BASED ON WHAT WE HAD BEFORE -- Am I in love with him NOW? I don't know. I certainly have so much resentment towards our relationship-- that I am just really and truly holding on for the sake of not having the kids have a broken family life. I am kind of old fashioned that way, yes -- even at the risk of my unhappiness, I guess that's why I haven't left yet.
Believe me when I say that EVERYDAY I wish I were alone... I hate this thought of an empty marriage. And just cringe every night when I come home from work-- and we are in two seperate places in the house.
I understand this is more my call than anything else.... BUT why is so difficult to do what I think I feel is right deep down??? I know I need to make MYSELF happy.. and to do that I need to be apart from him. but WHY can't I just get up and go???? Why is it harder for me?
I understand this is more my call than anything else.... BUT why is so difficult to do what I think I feel is right deep down??? I know I need to make MYSELF happy.. and to do that I need to be apart from him. but WHY can't I just get up and go???? Why is it harder for me?
Because there is still a certain amount of love for him there. You have spent years trying to build something with someone you love/care for. your feeling are not just going to up and disappear after caring for someone for so long. I hate to say it, but part of it too is guilt. Even though you have done nothing wrong, part of it comes from the fact you know he may have something going on that he can't truly help. Well, partly he can't help, but he does know he needs help, and that is something he can help and choose to or not choose to get. Thats why its important for you to seek help, so a professional can help you deal with your feelings on the issue better.
I'd like to hear his side. and how much you changed and what he feels hes doing and trying to do that your not reconizing as an honest effort on his part.
maybe your expectations of what marriage is like are unrealistic and some more reasonable expectations would go a long way in this instance.
being labled as BPD without a diagnosis seem cruel. as men often we just suck it up and make the best of it and eventually it comes to a head and we short circut which can sometimes seem like BPD.
everything fine one minute and then a melt down over nothing.
espically to an arm chair phycologist.
this might be the perfect time to invest in your marriage take the first step and get the ball rolling.
I'd like to hear his side. and how much you changed and what he feels hes doing and trying to do that your not reconizing as an honest effort on his part.
maybe your expectations of what marriage is like are unrealistic and some more reasonable expectations would go a long way in this instance.
being labled as BPD without a diagnosis seem cruel. as men often we just suck it up and make the best of it and eventually it comes to a head and we short circut which can sometimes seem like BPD.
everything fine one minute and then a melt down over nothing.
espically to an arm chair phycologist.
this might be the perfect time to invest in your marriage take the first step and get the ball rolling.
Well, being as yes I am no medical professional, it might sound mean for me to say..
Quite frankly, exploding in anger and back to joking again and back to exploding over 5-6x a day back and forth isn't exactly what you can call "normal" moods for most people --
so yes, I am assuming, but I think that's safe to say even on our worse days that we don't flip moods that quickly and that often within one day??
I don't mean to sound sexist on this comment either but we all have things that can give us "meltdowns " - Are guy meltdowns and different than womens???
-- I am guilty of that myself what with work, kids, etc I feel like going on a meltdown mood plenty of times ... BUT I do manage to get a grip and not let my moods get the best of my day, my life.
My husband on the other hand can't seem to have more than one issue to deal with at one time... so in fact if i sound very uncaring, it is purely because I have to be the stronger to take control of the family life -- Our family is clearly MINUS one person to rely on, so I have to be both MOM and DAD and keep the family afloat, regardless of my mood for the day...
if he is truly BPD then don't in sickness and in health kick in or is that just mumbo jombo that everybody says at their wedding and it really means if you don't meet my needs I'm out of here.
I'm not trying to be smart Its a true question if he can't help it because he is mentaly sick then dose that make it any better for you to accept?
if he is truly BPD then don't in sickness and in health kick in or is that just mumbo jombo that everybody says at their wedding and it really means if you don't meet my needs I'm out of here.
I'm not trying to be smart Its a true question if he can't help it because he is mentaly sick then dose that make it any better for you to accept?
Oh I hear your point CHILLYMORN, and yes I would like to think I am still an old fashioned girl when it comes to marriage and sticking it out... Been at this little thing we call mariage for 20 years now.... we are now 40 and believe me I thought in the beginning it was immaturity on the whole mood thing...... but 20 years later it still goes on, I think thats part of the "for worse" don't you? Having to have lived 20 years HOPING the man you married will change??
I don't mean to be senical about this whole deal, and granted I do get he needs help. BUT if he can't be convinced to do so, what am I suppose to do? Tie him up and drag him to a doctor? To a counselor?
Savannah, if you plan on sticking it out, you will need to get as much info on the issue as you can. Even though he has not been to the doctor to be diagnosed, it sounds like he might have that, so you need to treat it liked that, and how you do that is, you take care of you. Reading learning, getting counseling for yourself etc. It really stinks that you are his emotional punching bag I agree, but only you can decide if you want that to continue. Its not like he doesn't know he has issues. Its one thing to not know and quite another to know and refuse to get help for it.
Savannah, if you plan on sticking it out, you will need to get as much info on the issue as you can. Even though he has not been to the doctor to be diagnosed, it sounds like he might have that, so you need to treat it liked that, and how you do that is, you take care of you. Reading learning, getting counseling for yourself etc. It really stinks that you are his emotional punching bag I agree, but only you can decide if you want that to continue. Its not like he doesn't know he has issues. Its one thing to not know and quite another to know and refuse to get help for it.
Absolutely! ... I am starting to read up on it... but somehow, I can't help to think... Ummm, why am I the only one doing the reading up? Hmmmm...
If he is BPD and he pretended to be charming and nice in order to get you to marry him, then he married you under false pretenses.
We're the same age so I know what you mean. I held on for so long because of my daughter but when he started to call me names in front of her and start fights with her there, I knew it was time to end it.
The thing is the kids know what his moods are like. They feel you walking on eggshells, they are learning that a relationship of separation is normal. I agonized over my divorce but I know it was for the best for her. Now she can see me a strong woman making choices and meeting my goals. She sees her stepfather and I having a loving relationship instead of living in a house with a miserable mom listening to fighting and seeing her dad's temper tantrums.
I'm sure he would have come up with all kinds of reasons why the divorce was my fault. But he wasn't willing to do anything to make things better. Posted via Mobile Device
When someone is mentally unstable staying and allowing their abuse to continue to me is just nuts. Screw for better or for worse. And who cares what the diagnosis is. What he's doing is wrong. If he's not well enough to be in a HEALTHY relationship then she is well within her rights to leave. This isn't a child this is a grown man.
Now if he were actively seeking help then I 'might' have a different answer.
BPD'ers are charming when they want something and in this case it was YOU. They are unable however to handle the daily rigors of life ups and downs as you see. Unless he desires change and seeks professional help I'm sad to say nothing will change and if anything it will get worse.
I'm at a loss.. feeling I want out.. but holding on... for what, I'm not sure. Feeling I need to help him perhaps?
The one thing I need, that is technically FREE... he can't provide... HAPPINESS in our relationship...
When you said CANT HANDLE DAILY RIGORS OF LIFE ... that is so true! He simply cannot function when he has more than one problem to deal with.. he can't get the bill for the electricity the same time he get the bill for the water... He will simple self implode!
It's funny I suppose now that I think about how I was bent on avoiding to ever have a relationship with the type of man he ois now... yet here I am
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Re: False Advertising??? Hubby THEN and NOW... 
... I am starting to read up on it... but somehow, I can't help to think... Ummm, why am I the only one doing the reading up? Hmmmm...
