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Old 03-25-2012, 06:59 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Wow Stonewall, didn't know you went through anything like that. I take it this was your early marraige, I know you married so very young!! Like your wife again, I am Mrs Strong willed too...I kinda went through that as well...but only while dating...It was very hard for him when I gave his ring back, what was really awkward was..I was living with his wonderful family , had a room upstairs ! I had a job & could have left on my own...I came to my senses fairly quickly , nothing really fell apart for us. He too ...just waited, gave me that time... ...I never cheated on him -I was honest the whole time ....where my head was at.

I just knew I had to figure this out before I walked down any aisles. Why we dated so very long (8 yrs)... After I went out with another...it seemed that was the push I needed ... we moved in together, and planned our wedding, I never looked back or had a 2nd thought.

I do feel young people, if they have only been with one person , should date a little bit outside of that, my experience was terribly small but I know I needed that somehow, or I feel I might have always thought ..."what if "? Somehow. I was never a partying type so I didn't care for that scene, and college was never something I felt I missed.

Though I see all the FUN my oldest is having right now...he says he wants to be a professional student, I do wonder sometimes thinking...darn that would have been a blast !

6kidsanddonecounting, I could say the same....I have 5 boys.


Here is the question... WHAT IS YOUR PASSION...what are you good at ? What makes you feel good about yourself ?? What does others praise you for ?? It could be anything?


What are you feeling you are missing
?

How old are you, mid life crisis ??
Yeah it was a helluva rocky time for me. She never cheated but I just knew in my mind that she did or would if it continued long enough. I never accused her (that I remember) of cheating. But I had to decide if it was worth salvaging if she was.

I decided I wasn't going to let go without giving it everything I had so I made the decision to forgive her of what I had come to believe she was up to. That was difficult as hell! I didn't say it to her as we weren't in a place in our relationship to talk about it; but I did it in my heart and mind.

It is much easier to redirect force than to stop it head on and believe you me she is a force to be reckoned with. I let it evolve by adding indirect pressure here and there. and one day she just came to herself if you will.

Yes it was about 7 - 8 years into our marriage. Very long time ago. About 27 years ago now.
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Old 03-25-2012, 09:27 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Yes, it does. I've tried not to use it as an excuse but I guess it does have an effect on adulthood. I do have counseling starting soon so I guess thats something I'll have to explore. Thanks.
It took therapy for me to learn how to be happy and content in my own skin. It didn't come easily or quickly but I wanted it bad enough seek it.

I had a sucky childhood that I had to undo. I had no self esteem or self worth. I didn't like myself either.

All in the past now.

Last edited by Mavash.; 03-25-2012 at 09:33 AM.
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Old 03-25-2012, 09:48 AM   #33 (permalink)
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While I concur that therapy is helpful (I have had a total of four years.) I think that people view it as a panacea or the answer to all of life's problems. The person seeking counseling has to be willing to listen and implement changes, or else all that talking is useless.

I don't believe in spending decades in therapy-at some point, we have to stop going over our past and use the concepts we have learned independently. Running to a therapist for every problem just creates unhealthy dependency.

I find that timelines work for me because it gives me a goal to focus on. I told myself I wanted to be out of therapy by age 30 and I managed to do so. This new decade will be about applying all that I have learned in counseling. I refuse to be 40 years old and still talking about my abusive mother. She is not going to steal any more of my life.

Everyone is different; this is just my view and what has worked for me.
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:14 AM   #34 (permalink)
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And I think therapy takes as much time as it takes and you can't put a timeline on healing.

I was very abused as a child and therefore there is no way I could have healed from this by the age of 30. No way. I had to grow myself up again and that took time. 13 years to be exact. I'm so glad I didn't just quit. I would have sold myself very very short.

No I didn't go to therapy the whole 13 years. I've had 3 rounds in that time each one a year each. In between rounds I focused on implementing what I'd learned in therapy going back when I got stuck or life hit me with things I couldn't handle.
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:57 AM   #35 (permalink)
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I've never been to therapy before this will be my first time. I've been avoiding it because I thought it was kind of a joke or for crazy people. My family is very disconnected when it comes to emotions and life issues so I never had any guidence growing up they are pretty much all about "find a good man that will take care of u" no real way of showing how to be anything but a wife and mother. Also my dad wasn't around and none of the other women in my family (well thats pretty much all of them) had a man in their life then or now. So there was also a void on how to keep a marriage in tact. Lots of things from my childhood could be causeing the issues I'm having.

I do see everyone point on the "grass being greener on the other side" point, and I appreciate every moment with my kids but sometimes I just feel empty.
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Old 03-25-2012, 11:26 AM   #36 (permalink)
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I don't want to hijack 6kids thread, but I do feel the same as her.

I am sad about the questions you asked...I don't have a passion, I am really not good at anything, but being a mom. There is nothing I do for myself to feel good about, everything I do, I do for others. Though, I do think I am good at being a mom and at my job, but those are things I have to be good at.

I have gone so long putting others first I don't know how to be my own person. And, that is the honest truth. I want to find myself, but don't know how or where to begin.
Great. Who said that u r not good in anything dear. U r good in serving others. What do u think about serving others. I think by reading all ur posts that, u will do this simply great, as u give others life more important than urs. U can do volunteering were they serve others may be child care organisations, or if u like aminals go for those sort of organisations any thing that serves others. U see the best thing is to start with positive attitude. Once u do this u will know ur passion may be u can be a good Social Worker. I think society requires Good and honest people. Dont be sad. When God has given u Life;He also has a destiny in His mind. U will get it. Give Time some time. Feel good, Love urself is the only solution. Think about it dear.
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Old 03-25-2012, 11:31 AM   #37 (permalink)
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I've never been to therapy before this will be my first time. I've been avoiding it because I thought it was kind of a joke or for crazy people. My family is very disconnected when it comes to emotions and life issues so I never had any guidence growing up they are pretty much all about "find a good man that will take care of u" no real way of showing how to be anything but a wife and mother. Also my dad wasn't around and none of the other women in my family (well thats pretty much all of them) had a man in their life then or now. So there was also a void on how to keep a marriage in tact. Lots of things from my childhood could be causeing the issues I'm having.

I do see everyone point on the "grass being greener on the other side" point, and I appreciate every moment with my kids but sometimes I just feel empty.
My heart goes out to you. I remember that 'empty' feeling well. I tried to fill it with all kinds of things like a college degree, a career, husband, the house, kids, junk food, etc. and none of that worked. That empty feeling in me had a name it was called lack of love for myself. My marriage began falling apart almost from day 1 because I had no idea what a good marriage even looked like. I didn't know how to love myself much less someone else.

On therapy there are some real quacks out there so don't give up if it takes you time to find a good one. I've been to 5 and love the one I have now. She's like a therapist, life coach and the mother I never had all rolled up into one. If you don't click or aren't feeling better in 5 sessions walk away.

Again this was no quick fix but I no longer feel empty. Just takes a willingness to do the work and above all else don't give up. Never ever give up on your dreams of having that fulfilling life. You deserve it.
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Old 03-25-2012, 02:50 PM   #38 (permalink)
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and believe you me she is a force to be reckoned with.
My husband says this about me too. So sorry you went through that Stonewall, that was a # of yrs after you married too, she was in her mid 20's by then... sounds like you handled it in the right way.

I have been silly enough to tell my husband he should have not just "waited around so lovingly for me" back then..... but told me he was going to go out & date too... I probably wouldn't have liked that, or IF I heard some girl was moving in on him, I just know that would have been the end of my experimenting ... "a little jealously" can put a flame under some women, we'd come to our senses real quick! But he didn't do that, I kinda took advantage of his kind nature... yeah.... I know... bad Me. But I got something out of my system.... so it all worked out.
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Old 03-25-2012, 02:58 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Great. Who said that u r not good in anything dear. U r good in serving others. What do u think about serving others. I think by reading all ur posts that, u will do this simply great, as u give others life more important than urs. U can do volunteering were they serve others may be child care organisations, or if u like aminals go for those sort of organisations any thing that serves others. U see the best thing is to start with positive attitude. Once u do this u will know ur passion may be u can be a good Social Worker. I think society requires Good and honest people. Dont be sad. When God has given u Life;He also has a destiny in His mind. U will get it. Give Time some time. Feel good, Love urself is the only solution. Think about it dear.
I like this post...

The 1st time I read this saying (below)... I loved it so much, I wanted it for on my living room wall.... I wanted to make it personal -put a picture to the words somehow , so I got a Large picture frame , had my husband drill holes so I could dangle 7 hearts underneath with words of this saying written on each...then choose a picture of 2 of my little boys riding horsey on my back while I am on my hands & knees - we are all laughing. Good memories...

This is the saying:


One hundred years from now
It won't matter
What kind of car I drove
What kind of house I lived in
How much money I had in the bank
Nor what my clothes looked like
But
The world may be a little better
Because, I was important
In the life of a child
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Old 03-25-2012, 03:18 PM   #40 (permalink)
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SA I mean this with all respect. I never had a mom like you. In fact neither of my parents even liked me. (Do you have any idea what that does to a child?) How can someone like me be important to a child if I have no idea what that looks like?

It took professional help to get me to understand everything you are posting on this thread.
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Old 03-25-2012, 03:33 PM   #41 (permalink)
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And I think therapy takes as much time as it takes and you can't put a timeline on healing.

I was very abused as a child and therefore there is no way I could have healed from this by the age of 30. No way. I had to grow myself up again and that took time. 13 years to be exact. I'm so glad I didn't just quit. I would have sold myself very very short.

No I didn't go to therapy the whole 13 years. I've had 3 rounds in that time each one a year each. In between rounds I focused on implementing what I'd learned in therapy going back when I got stuck or life hit me with things I couldn't handle.
I started therapy at age 17 for one year, another year at age 20and two years at age 28. I still go back for a session if a crisis has occured, but that is very rare. I have not quit, I am come to the end of my healing with a professional. Now I work on healing myself independently.

*hug* Not being loved by a parent, especially a mother when you are female, does all sorts of serious psychological damage. It took me many years to learn that the abuse was never my fault and I had to allow myself to be angry with my mom. I feel compassion and pity for her because now La Maman is a lonely old woman, in a sh!tty marriage with adult children who rarely visit or call. She wants to be my best friend, but I cannot bring myself to let her in...my own mother is too emotionally volatile and manipulative. I don't need the drama of a narcissist in my life.

Last edited by FirstYearDown; 03-25-2012 at 03:43 PM.
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Old 03-25-2012, 03:36 PM   #42 (permalink)
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I started therapy at age 17 for one year, another year at age 20and two years at age 28. I still go back for a session if a crisis has occured, but that is very rare. I have not quit, I am come to the end of my healing with a professional. Now I work on healing myself independently.
You got a big jump start ahead of me. I didn't start therapy until I was 33.

Didn't realize I had a problem before then. Well I did but was convinced those 'other' things in life would make it all better. But then one day as I sat in my corner office, married to the great guy, owned a beautiful house, had plenty of money and was still empty I began to get suspicious that something else was wrong. Ya think? LOL
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Old 03-25-2012, 04:08 PM   #43 (permalink)
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SA I mean this with all respect. I never had a mom like you. In fact neither of my parents even liked me. (Do you have any idea what that does to a child?) How can someone like me be important to a child if I have no idea what that looks like?

It took professional help to get me to understand everything you are posting on this thread.
I didn't have good role models either, I had a mother who left me, had a nervous breakdown after a couple yrs being single ran off with a severe alcholic to another state - and I got stuck living with a step mom who wanted my dad all to herself , never planned on raising someone else's child -she didn't even want her own 2 (who still do not talk to her to this day- funny how I remained friends with her daughter).....

Believe me, I envied "happy families" when I was growing up... why I wanted my own so darn bad to make up for what I feel I personally LOST in my youth.

ONe either falls into the footsteps of your parents and their mistakes in life... or if you hated what you went through bad enough... you learn from their mistakes how NOT to live..and treat others.

I did have a wonderful Grandmother next door who favored me and I had the mothers of my friends -these were my examples... I remember writing on my wall some nights " I hate _____ , I hate _____ , I hate ______" .... I could go on & on about some of the ways I was treated, --not really "put down" per say.... but pretty much "ignored" -left on my own, I was a very independent teen who , if I messed up, hell would be the result. My bf/husband felt it was a little like emotional abuse in some ways..... I just bi***ed about her to all my friends while growing up - Sometimes I didn't get lunch money, I always ate in my room alone, there were notes on the fridge door what not to touch, they worked me hard... I was near a model teen though... they couldn't complain. And they know it !

When I was 18, bf brought me back home , they had my whole bedroom on the porch , she even told me when I leave I was not to come back. ...for a time I was living in a camper in someone's back yard, husbands dad told me to come live with them.

So please don't think It was roses for little ol' me. Not so! Did I take all the BS lying down and internally... NO.. I ranted about it to whomever would listen, once I even tried to run away. My Best friends house was my escape - this was more my family...and my grandma. I never let it all get to me. I had other people who loved me , so this made all the difference in my world.....we all do need some of that.

MY father was a good man, but he was wrapped up in his wife, we were just not very close. I am accually alot like the man.

Amazingly, I love my step mom today, she even admits she was very very TOUGH on me and if anyone has a right to be upset, it would be ME. But I am not, it is funny how my husband can remember some of the stuff that happened -that seems to be completely erased from my psyche. Crazy! I have no resentment at all.

I never had any therapy for anything, I just read alot of books ! And I have never held my anger in, I write it out, talk it out to those who are in my life. I know deep within, we can rise above anything - if we so set our mind to it.

I did buy a couple books on anger when I was in my teens - cause I was struggling with that - towards her big time.
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Old 03-25-2012, 05:49 PM   #44 (permalink)
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*hug* Not being loved by a parent, especially a mother when you are female, does all sorts of serious psychological damage. It took me many years to learn that the abuse was never my fault and I had to allow myself to be angry with my mom. I feel compassion and pity for her because now La Maman is a lonely old woman, in a sh!tty marriage with adult children who rarely visit or call. She wants to be my best friend, but I cannot bring myself to let her in...my own mother is too emotionally volatile and manipulative. I don't need the drama of a narcissist in my life.
Thanks. My parents disowned me 13 years ago but I hear more than I care to about them from my sister. My mom is your classic enabler to my narcissistic dad. I was his narcissistic supply and therefore my mother loathed me for it. Yeah like that was my fault.

I feel pity for both of them now. I 'think' they committed my dad. He became a raging drunk who was threatening everyone including my mother and yet she stayed. I have no sympathy for her. She made that bed and now she must lie in it.

My sister is still caught in the middle and I have to keep reminding her I'm OUT of this family so stop telling me details. I seriously don't care anymore what happens to them.
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Old 03-25-2012, 05:52 PM   #45 (permalink)
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SA the one thing I know about you is that you are extroverted. You were likely surrounded by some kind of support that did aid your recovery. I'm impressed that you overcame by just reading books.

I was a shy, introvert who had no one to vent to. I have been on my own since the age of 10. Until therapy I didn't even know books like that even existed. Now of course I've read 100's of them.
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