i have asked my wife on numerous occasions, during very serious discussions, what it is I can do to improve for her. what it is she needs from me to make things better. i was looking right into her eyes, with every shred of sincerity, and i get...................."i dont know"
and you know what, i believe her, she doesnt know. not much i can do about that. at least i feel like i have tried in ernest to fix us.
Same. Was a day of sadness and clarity when I chose to believe her and move on.
I'm now trying to decide if we have thread-jacked MEM's post ...
That drive in men for sex....sex....sex, sometimes I think that men love in different stages.
Many don't found that one where she is the "ONE". Where the deep love for that one
woman comes from. Maybe it's that "ONE" woman where that tight bond is developed.
You never feel it, until it happens, you truly find her.
It's a much deeper love than your "First Love". That saying, you never forget your "First Love" is true.
Many men get their "First Love" to soon, they are not Mature, not completely ready for it. I believe
that if you are lucky and stay with her, it can develop into that deep love.
I would say that drive in men for love …. love …. love. But that’s me!
My wife was my first love, in that she was the only woman I ever wanted to get married to. I fell in love immediately when I saw her, I didn’t even know her name. I don’t know if that’s crazy, I really don’t care if it is. It’s just me, who I am. And if a love gets any deeper than one which last for over 40 years I'd be truly surprised!
Is it just me and my over sensitive nature or is it real.
Does anyone notice that generalizing statement about woman go unchallenged?
Where are the voices offering a counter argument to the broad brush used to depict woman??
Would it not help? One person says something that has no validity and 10 people agree. So it must be true, right?
When inaccurate statements go unchallenged, the hoped for exploratory exchange that I imagine MEM wanted to engender, turns into the same old rehashing of old struggles.
Lets challenge each other. No one person, man or woman, has any more blind spots than the other.
Is it just me and my over sensitive nature or is it real.
Does anyone notice that generalizing statement about woman go unchallenged?
Where are the voices offering a counter argument to the broad brush used to depict woman??
Would it not help? One person says something that has no validity and 10 people agree. So it must be true, right?
When inaccurate statements go unchallenged, the hoped for exploratory exchange that I imagine MEM wanted to engender, turns into the same old rehashing of old struggles.
Lets challenge each other. No one person, man or woman, has any more blind spots than the other.
Yes ... it's just you.
Let's reassert ...
The premise of the thread has nothing to do with women being the 'bad guy' in sexless relationships.
The premise is that regardless of gender ... if one partner is striving to improve things emotionally, or sexually, and the other partner is ignorant to those overtures or simply has no desire to change the dynamic ... and continue to reject, ignore, or blame-shift ... then they are being emotionally abusive.
That's the premise. And if we leave gender bias out of it, it seems pretty hard to argue with, wouldn't you agree?
Is it just me and my over sensitive nature or is it real.
Does anyone notice that generalizing statement about woman go unchallenged?
Where are the voices offering a counter argument to the broad brush used to depict woman??
Would it not help? One person says something that has no validity and 10 people agree. So it must be true, right?
When inaccurate statements go unchallenged, the hoped for exploratory exchange that I imagine MEM wanted to engender, turns into the same old rehashing of old struggles.
Lets challenge each other. No one person, man or woman, has any more blind spots than the other.
i really do try to stay gender nuetral in most cases, i didnt start out that way on here but i learned that most things work both ways. i have said on here numerous times, if posters did not identify their gender and only used the word spouse/partner to refer to their SO, theis site would be boring
in matters involving my wife and i, i see enequities in our relationship and i will point them out, but i dont pretend that all or even most women act just like her
Several men, myself included have shared their personal experience as a result of having been on the receiving end of a marriage gone wrong. I think therein lies the distraction.
I don't believe that MEM or any of the boys in the Ladies Lounge are trying to insinuate that 'generally' women are to blame.
From my perspective, 'generally' an unwillingness or inability to reframe the discussion as MEM points out is what leads us back to the corpse-strewn trenches of pinning it on either gender.
So from now on when someone,an or woman posts about a lack of sex, let's call it what it is: their partner isn't meeting their EMOTIONAL needs. And by repeatedly rejecting them without honest explanation, their partner is abusing them emotionally.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo
Yes ... it's just you.
Let's reassert ...
The premise of the thread has nothing to do with women being the 'bad guy' in sexless relationships.
The premise is that regardless of gender ... if one partner is striving to improve things emotionally, or sexually, and the other partner is ignorant to those overtures or simply has no desire to change the dynamic ... and continue to reject, ignore, or blame-shift ... then they are being emotionally abusive.
That's the premise. And if we leave gender bias out of it, it seems pretty hard to argue with, wouldn't you agree?
In that I take it that MEM is saying that for men, sex IS an emotional need. In that it is not a want but a need.
And that's his key message and something he's trying to get some form of agreement on or recognition of.
And as such there is a gender bias. And a great big one at that!
sex sounds pedestrian. can i replace that with i want intimacy with the woman i am in love with and committed to?
Yes. Yes, you may.
Because THAT is the loss that we are actually talking about, regardless of whether it is measured in sex, quality time, communication, gifts or acts of service.
Relationships rot on the vine and die when intimacy goes away.
Intimacy is what forges that word I have come to like so much ... 'bond'.
Interesting thread...I'm sitting here trying to absorb everything-and definitely appreciate the men's perspective.
Sex has always been the issue in our marriage. It confuses me,if in fact it's true that men's emotional satisfaction comes from their sex life with their partners....I was in the boat that many men here have complained about-lack of sex with their partner. It got to a point that getting it once every two to three months was normal,and emotionally I *did* need that intimate connection that was almost non existant for 10 years.
LOL One thing you couldn't blame me for,was not being patient
I understand my unique situations is different than most. I've always been interested in a sexual relationship with my partner. I spent many years waiting out his past drug/alcohol induced impotence. As his sex drive starting coming back,it turned out he had severe guilt/anguish about sex and masturbation. When his sex drive came back on line a couple of years ago...I hear the dreaded "I see you more as a wife and mother than a sexual being". That's where his idea of imagining me with other men came from. To want something other men desired. Other men have shown affinity for me,but the truth is I wanted him and ONLY him and my continued stride to keep him sexually excited and engaged as many have successfully done,has worn me down.
So tell me,if a man equates sex=emotional needs...explain this situation?
In our case, if he equated sex to emotional needs,it was always available to him. Instead,he would resent me-act like a woman who resented the "pressure" and then later on fixate on something else to emotionally withdraw from me
Catherine,
I think most of the regulars here do challenge "woman bashing".
Often someone new starts with: my wife is a bad wife and I would leave her but all women are like this and most women reduce/stop sex when married.
Most of us "I think" try to educate posters like that.
Maybe we don't do a good job. Can you post a couple links to threads that are hostile to women?
And in the meantime I will look around myself.
OTE=Catherine602;651345]Is it just me and my over sensitive nature or is it real.
Does anyone notice that generalizing statement about woman go unchallenged?
Where are the voices offering a counter argument to the broad brush used to depict woman??
Would it not help? One person says something that has no validity and 10 people agree. So it must be true, right?
When inaccurate statements go unchallenged, the hoped for exploratory exchange that I imagine MEM wanted to engender, turns into the same old rehashing of old struggles.
Lets challenge each other. No one person, man or woman, has any more blind spots than the other.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Some people are simply more emotional than others. That’s all it is. For me some others have what’s described as “low or flat affect” in that for some reason or other events that’d have a deep emotional affect on me simply don’t affect them. Carl Jung talks about this in his personality types. There are those that rely more on how they think about things and there are those that rely more on they feel about things. I’m one of the latter while you’re probably one of the former. That feeling thing is intuition linked to our emotions.
My wife is also a thinker, in the main. She saw me at times as quite emotional whereas I saw her at times as quite cold. But I know since our separation she has been feeling exceptionally strong emotions, breaking down and crying for example while out shopping when it really hits her. It’s at times like these when we truly understand the power of our emotions. Sometimes they just take us over and it takes some time to regain control, composure. But pity that it is a person has to suffer a very serious loss before they know these things. I don’t think any of us is truly immune, except for maybe psychopaths.
But everyone reading this thread will be either a thinker or feeler! And those that are thinkers will just not get it no matter how it’s put to them. You are doing very well though in that you can see how things can be for other people. Even though you don’t feel these things yourself!
I admit I don't have any idea what love language means and I do not know who Carl Jung is but I am a mix between a "feeler" and thinker. My only comment was that sex to me does not relate to emotional attachment to me as it does for others. There are many things, however, that I can be very emotional about...but maybe I am more of a thinker...let me think about it! (ok, bad joke...lol) Posted via Mobile Device
In that I take it that MEM is saying that for men, sex IS an emotional need. In that it is not a want but a need.
And that's his key message and something he's trying to get some form of agreement on or recognition of.
And as such there is a gender bias. And a great big one at that!
I think there are gender differences if you look at aggregates of men and woman. But individuals never fit into a group.
However, if you were asked to guess what was the gender of the person making this statement - "I have no problem feeling emotionally close to my partner if we are affectionate, we communicate and spend quality time together even if we did not have sex" what would you say?
Most people will guess female. On average, I think you can find far more woman who feel this way than men.
This statement "I have problems feeling emotionally close with my partner if we are affectionate, we communicate and spend quality time together but do not have sex" is more likely to come from men.
Maybe the gender that has the tendency to separate sex from love is really women not men.
28Likes
Re: An open request from one of the men 
Other men have shown affinity for me,but the truth is I wanted him and ONLY him and my continued stride to keep him sexually excited and engaged as many have successfully done,has worn me down. 
